During my last trip to Japan, hanging around Kabukicho and elsewhere, and noticing few people talking the way I was originally taught, I thought maybe “what if you tried something new?”, maybe leaving that drab textbook nonsense behind and speak the way your inner Japanese animal wants to.
**Introduction:**
First of all, your Japanese conversational sentences are way too long and complex. You need to be saving time, expressing things in a short way, forgetting the usual care and consideration to your words that you’ve probably been applying.
While keigo wins out versus Teineigo by the length of the expressions, very casual Japanese wins out vs Teineigo in terms of brevity.
Very casual English is marked by insertions of swearwords and maybe a few short form verbs, whereas Japanese seems to be marked less so by just curse words, than by the short usage of casual forms in the place of their formal counterparts, and in general avoiding a higher register of the language, as well as by the usage of colloquialisms. More subtle than English to be sure that the lack of care is what constitutes 80% of the rudeness.
**Pronunciation:**
Through countless hours you have possibly refined your pronunciation of Japanese now in the way you were taught. Thankfully, most of it is still useful with two exceptions:
the diphthong of a and i, that is to say ai is not pronounced like I in English when it is part of a word. Rather it’s pronounced “e” like え
\-jikan ga nai – jikan ga neeee
\-kikanai – kikanee
The other modification you probably need is to how you pronounce Japanese’s troublesome “r” sound which is usually a brief brush of the tongue against the top of your mouth.
The way it is pronounced now is as those familiar with languages like Spanish would say it, a rolling R. Practice it using “Ore” (me, I) a number of times as a refresher. More of that next..
**Verbs:**
\-First place to start here is by dropping the -masu or -imasu, -mashita or their equivalents. Use the dictionary casual form for everything as a starting point. Quick easy, and straight from the dictionary
Random examples:
ikimashita – itta
kimasu – kuru
kirikakarimashita -kirikakatta
and so on….
One of the greatest enemies of your inner animal, the full expression of subservience to society and to others is “desu”. Forget it, leave it. Such a word need never pass your lips again.
Your first step is to transform “desu” into “da”, it’s casual equivalent.
Negation of this might be worth being precise about: “de wa arimasen” switches “de wa nai”, but honestly, no one like you is going to say this as it’s too long. “ja nai” works fine.
In fact even seeing anything that sounds close to -masu or -masen should be dropped. Some notable expressions:
\-arigatou gozaimasu – replace this with doumo wherever
\-ka mo shiremasen – ka mo shirenai (maybe)
I think you get the picture.
Negation of verbs (except for de, desu, for which you use the above):
A simpler and time-saving way that fits our purposes for the negative is to
\-use the neg. casual form
\-furthermore, drop the “ai” ending from your negations
ex: wakaru – wakaranai – wakaran
kamau – kamawanai – kamawan
sumu – sumanai – suman (which you can use for “sorry”)
Note: on “ja nai”. Often this be used at the end of a sentence to say, “isn’t it so?” “that’s x, isn’t it?”. In such a case, you make it shorter by turning “ja nai” into “jan”.
Ex:
\-Akemi wa bijin ja nai? – Akemi wa bijin jan?
**Pronouns:**
Even in our western culture, pronouns are something we provide a lot of care to. No more.
*1st person pronoun:* “Watashi” – this needs to be dead and forgotten as quickly as possible. some people suggest you can leave the first person pronoun out entirely, but for our purposes you should probably go for the shortest one
Replace “watashi” with: ore, or if you’re feeling fancy sometimes and occasionally wish to rub it in, add -sama to it, i.e. oresama.
One exception to what other people say (regarding regular polite speak), rather than taking advice to drop the first person pronoun whenever it isn’t needed, it might be advisable to use it whenever possible, enunciating the “o” of Ore. Make people know you’re around and who’s saying it!
*2nd person pronoun:* Drop the anata, don’t replace with people’s names with an honorific either…
go with anta (shorter and saves time) or omae, or better yet when speaking to guys, use “Teme”
*3rd person pronoun:* forget kare, forget names… based on where they are, follow the forms of koko, soko and asoko for these gems, all meaning “he/she\*\*\*\*”:
\-koko – Koitsu
\-soko – soitsu
\-asoko – aitsu
Another simple alternative is to kono, sono or ano with yarou. (Note, this is to be used with men only)
Often you may know a person’s name, say a guy named Yuki. In such a case, if you can’t help yourself, then leave it without an honorific suffix, or use the above.
\*\*\*It might be suggested that often when referring to women in such contexts, as a man, aitsu would not be used, rather “ko” an alternative reading of 娘
Kono ko, sono ko, ano ko
This would apply if its young girl we’re talking about. If it’s an older woman, replace
with ばあちゃん
Equally you could use jiichan for an older man if you exclude them from your ire.
***plural of pronouns:***
You probably learned the suffix -tachi to add plurals to pronouns…. takes too much time.
replace it with “-ra” and you’re done.
**Particles:**
When asking questions, replace “ka” with “kai”.
Ex: Wakarimashita ka? – Wakatta kai?
You possibly should be increasing your usage not just of yo, which is still rather light, but
\-zo, ze – to emphasize what you’re saying
\-sa – when you’re telling a story or expressing a feeling at the end of your sentences as an interjection
Not a particle, but if you’re feeling particularly angry when talking with someone, or just to get them to wake up to whom they’re speaking to, add “kora” or better yet “oikora” at the end of your sentences. (kind reminder not to remember the new pronunciation of the “r”)
**Imperative / Requests:**
If you’re feeling generous, then at least drop the kudasai, it’s too long. From now on it’s “kure”, preferably with “yo” (just like you’re speaking Korean)
Matte kure (yo)- Wait!
For cases where you’re not feeling so generous, then it’s the command form you should use, which is easy:
it’s replacing the “u” with “e” to the dictionary whenever it’s not an -iru or -eru verb
\-Seikyuu wo nome! – Accept my request! (nomu)
\-Zaifu wo dase! – Get that wallet out (dasu)
\-Doke – go away (doku)
***-iru or -eru verbs get the iro and ero endings respectively:***
\-Kisero / Usero! – Beat it! literally disappear (kiseru / useru)
\-Otoko wo misero! – Show me the man you are. (miseru)
\-Zama miro – Serves you right (miru)
***Kuru is an exception, becoming “koi”***
\-Motte koi -Come and get it (kuru)
***Other exeption is suru, which becomes “shiro”***
\-iikagen ni shiro – Stop it, cut it out
Negative request retains the same form: casual form + na
Kuru na – Don’t come
**Giving / Receiving**
Learners of teineigo and keigo will have been hurting their heads trying to figure out when to use kureru, kudasaru + ageru, sashiageru and all that jazz,
Kureru, kudasaru… no time for any of that. Drop it entirely. For both to receive and get, or notice that someone did something for you, use morau (to get).
\-ichimanen wo moratta – I scored 10 000 yen
\-kuruma wo shuuzen yatte moratta – I got (him) to fix my car.
No time to think about whether the person did it as a favour, or whether it was done forcefully. Doesn’t matter.
Ageru, sashiageru….. (to give) should be replaced with yaru.
Kane wo kashita yatta : I lent (him) some money.
**Shortcuts vs. Polite language**
Must form /obligational form:
\-kereba ikemasen / kereba narimasen – replace with nakya from the nai form (saves a LOT of time)
Ex:
sugu konakeraba ikemasen – sugu konakya
**Clause: -ru koto vs -tte**
suru koto, ryoukou no koto, oyogu koto…
It all takes too long. Apart from replacing koto with a “no ga” or “no wa”, you could replace it all with -tte and maybe nanka. This expresses the lack of importance of whatever it is and you can get on with saying what you want about it.
ryoukou no koto ha mendokusai desu – ryoukou tte mendokusai – Travelling is annoying/ is a hassle
odoru no ga jouzu desu – odoru tte jouzu da – Hes good at dancing
**Completed form:**
It should be very important to verbalise and emphasize when you’ve done something with some finality. In regular Japanese, this is the -te shimau form. This of course takes time that we don’t have, so the -te shimau is shortened to -chatta.
\-kekki wo tabete shimaimashita – kekki wo tabechatta.
\-kinenbi wo wasurete shimaimashita – kinenbi wo wasurechatta
This form is very very common. It may be advisable to use this often instead of the simple -ta form.
**Avoid softeners:**
For sensitive clothing, softener is used. Equally Japanese uses forms that although you may not consider them at first glance to be softer forms, are in fact such.
\-Deshou /darou: Though often translated as “I wonder if” “I expected that”, they are often just a softer form of “da” in the same place. Therefore unless you really are using them in the meaning above, consider just replacing with “da”.
\-volitional form: Similarly ikimashou or ikou are used when giving light commands rather than the command form, as if you are including yourself among the person you are communicating the command to. As you are above whoever that person might be, often you may wish to replace it with the command form above.
**Nuclear form:**
>!if you’re particularly (very) angry at whoever you’re talking about or to, whenever they do an action (or indeed you’re telling them what to do) then when describing what they’re doing or what they are to do, use the stem form, adding -yagaru!<
>!Conjugation of the verb is then done via yagaru which is simpler, I think.!<
**Vocabulary:**
Similar to keigo in that obsolete way you used to be talking in, this new style has its own specialised vocabulary. The following list is non-exhaustive:
\-suru, nasaru – no longer needed, use yaru
\-hontou ni – just use sugoku or meccha
\-utsukushii – so long…. use bijin (if referring to a person)
\-taberu – too long, use kuu
\-kantan – choroi
\-shinu – kutabaru
\-utsu – replace with yatsukeru
\-okoru – mukatsuku
\-tokoro, bashou – replace with hen
\-korosu – barasu
\-tsukareru – mairu (yes, the same as the keigo form of to go)
\-tomodachi – renchuu
\-kodomo – gaki
\-kao – tsura
\-arigatou – doumo
\-konnichiwa – oi
(probably can and should replace the contents with appropriate kana and kanji but this is the first draft)
