Hi,
I’m at a bit of a crossroads and I’m not sure there is a right or wrong answer for me, but I’d like to seek some perspective from life-experienced people here. Sorry if it is long as I lay out the details.
I’m a 30 year old engineer from the US who recently received a job offer in Nagoya City. The job is at a Japanese startup in an emerging technology, within my expertise, and pays well for Japan. Interestingly, there is a large international contingent at this company, given that the technical interviews were in English with other foreigners, while the HR interviews were in Japanese. Whether they’ll still be in business in 5, 10 years is a concern to me, but this is also the nature of startups.
I previously lived in Tokyo for a year while working at the Japanese branch of an American company in Tokyo. It was not a temporary assignment and I hired directly in. The office largely spoke Japanese only, which I did fine with. I was able to navigate life on my own, although it was of course more challenging. I continue striving to improve my Japanese.
I felt that life in Tokyo suited me well. I really enjoyed the walkable and bikeable spaces, public transit, and things to do. It felt like this is the way society should be, and it made me feel peaceful. Making friends was hard sometimes compared to the US so I was lonely sometimes. However I did have several good friends through my language exchange connections back in the US. I met my ex while I was there, also from a foreign country, and we spent a lot of time together.
I ended up leaving the company and coming back to the US in May last year. I did not like the nature of my job and felt like my career was dead-ending. I missed my parents, sibling, and relatives, but also I felt a lot of pressure and guilt to move back especially as my first nephew was born. I don’t live in the same state/time zone as them, although it is much easier to travel to see them or communicate due to the shorter distance and time difference.
Perhaps I was short-sighted, impatient, or homesick, but I did not search for other jobs in Japan. I returned to my old company in the US because I knew it was a good job. Disliking my supervisor in Japan, and generally the various pressures I felt at the time, probably contributed to this.
My relationship with my ex ended as she went back to her home country too, and plans for her to come to the US fell apart due to the reality of US immigration laws. I was unwilling to change my plan and move to her country, which perhaps was stubborn.
Ever since I’ve gotten back I’ve felt disillusioned. I am adapting very poorly to returning to a sprawling American metro. It is dangerous to just cross the street, let alone ride your bike. Public transit is entirely inadequate and it seems like everything is a 30 minute drive away minimum. I didn’t realize how much this mattered to me, or how much living in Tokyo left an impression on me, but I didn’t account for how I would view living here differently upon my return.
I have searched exhaustively for jobs in more walkable areas in the US, but the reality is that I cannot get a job in places like San Francisco and New York City, because engineers who make airplanes work in car dependent, industrial or suburban areas. Nobody puts their factory in Manhattan. This is endemic to the US and a consequence of how previous generations built our country, and is therefore out of my control. This prompted me to search for jobs in Japan, fast-forward to now.
Now I am weighing the long-term consequences of moving back. Yes, I would get the walkable spaces and all the other nice parts about Japan. However now I worry about my future kids. I have seen first-hand the low wages they receive, despite the tremendous academic pressure they are put under. As a foreigner I can get paid highly for specialized skills, acquired from American schools and industry, but my kids would be culturally Japanese and be paid accordingly. And yet, the idea of my kids not being able to safely walk places in public or take the train, being trapped in their American suburban home like I was, sounds terrible. Are they really better off being Japanese than American?
I tell myself that I need to do what it takes to be happy and enjoy my short life, even if it means moving away from family. But would I regret my children not being more involved with their grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins in the US? Moreover, would I regret not being more involved with them, especially as they age?
Alternatively I could give up on achieving a lifestyle like I had before in Japan, and try to make the best of the suburban American life. I’ve found that I can make a lot more money than I am now in the US, and money is important too. I could get a remote job, and move somewhere that doesn’t require as much driving, or where I could at least just walk to the grocery store and library.
I realize that this is ultimately a decision I just have to make and live with, but if anyone has some perspective to contribute I would greatly appreciate it.