So I have been living in Japan for almost 2 years and have been married for almost 3 with a Japanese woman. After we had our first child together my wife has become increasingly more violent. Of course I do not want to separate our son from his mother, however I have noticed she can’t control her anger and has issues with people not following her rules. And I am afraid it might come down to her losing it on my son for something as simple as leaving a cup out. He is 1 and till this moment the violence has only been to me, yet I did see her get angry at him for moving around when he she was trying to dress him. I know that Japan is the wild west of parental rights and many people have come back from living abroad with their children with the partner never seeing them again.
Has anyone actually dealt with divorce and custody rights in this community and if you have any advice on what I should do. Right now I am doing everything I can to be a part of my sons life and taking the beatings. I have chosen to move out and live down the road so I can still be with him all day, since it seems she really doesn’t want to do the things that mother’s do. As I am doing the cleaning, cooking, bathing and caring and she only changes him and feeds him at night. I am personally at my wits end, I am beaten and alone while working as a actor and model. It isn’t what the government would consider an important job, and her threats of divorce and me losing my marriage visa and being forced out of the country is heavy on my heart and soul.
I just need to know that I could have a chance to have my son.
Edit: I would like to add I never saw her violent side in the 4 years we dated, it wasn’t until the first 2 weeks of me living in Japan did I notice it regularly. She had one violent moment before we left to Japan that I marked down as stress from having to sell off all my things and pack to get ready to leave. I gave up my career, my home and my friends and family for a new adventure only for it to become the nightmare it is now.
I want to say I am not attacking Japan or it’s government, and thank everyone for their helpful advice. I understand that this is rare and it does not reflect on my experience living here. I do love Japan and it’s people. I just know that no matter what I will always be a foreigner here, and sometimes that can be scary when you are dealing with these types of personal information. I am only giving truth and sometimes that truth can upset some people. I hope you understand this isn’t against Japan in any way.
7 comments
Sorry to hear that.. there was a “DV help over Obon” thread with answers leading to good resources. You should definitely check that thread, OP deleted her post for safety reasons but the comments are still there. First off, you should immediately sign that document that prevents your wife from unilaterally divorcing you and stealing your son.
https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/comments/wme2n4/dv_help_over_obon/
What sounds scary is, if you’re out of the picture, your child can become her new supply.
Talk to a lawyer and get a regular job as soon as possible so you can be considered for custody.
I know it doesn’t answer your question, but do you think getting her some kind of medical help/counseling might help improve things.
Any chance you could convince her to move out of Japan first (since you mention this side of her only seems to have emerged after coming here)?? It may not be feasible but if you can rack up a couple of years outside Japan, your son will have lived the majority of his life outside Japan and, at least internationally, that Carrie’s some weight.
I am obviously no expert on the matter – just some thoughts!
So you have any reason to believe it could get physical or it’s mostly verbal etc?
Really sorry this is happening to you bro. Thinking about it, it’s so sinister that she didn’t do anything in Canada knowing what it would lead to and bid her time till she came back here and was under the protection of a shitty system.
I wouldn’t doubt that was the reason she wanted to be back here.
First, speak to a lawyer. You can speak to a lawyer for free (or reduced price) through many bar associations, or government agencies. Depending on your wages you can also get a subsidised lawyer.
Meanwhile, gather as much evidence as possible.
“I have chosen to move out and live down the road ”
Can you add your son to the juminhyo for that house?
Do not move out without the child or she can claim you abandonned them thus get unilateral divorce and custody.
As said by other, read the linked thread about DV during obon. And contact the relevant association so that they can help you.
Sign the non divorce form.
Continue recording. Do not hesitate to go to some electronic shop and buy something which can be used for that purpose on top of phone without her knowing, this way she will just target the phone.
Contact police. You are a victim of violence. (do not necessarely expect much for them, it is mostly to have it on record)
Can you get a visa for your job ? Entertainement visa one :
[MOFA](https://www.mofa.go.jp/j_info/visit/visa/long/visa3.html)
[More details](https://www.japanvisa.com/visas/japan-entertainer-visa) (not governmental link)
Can you join a language school ? Try to negociate attendance because of your job. (Potentially that could open you the option to get a student visa and if they already agreed to a special schedule, they could be fine to continue this way. Then top it with a permission to engage in other activities.)
Contact police and child assisance your child is victim of violence and you fear it will escalate in physical one. So you need help and advice as to how to protect your child. (do not necessarely expect much for them, you mostly want advice and have the situation on record).
Equip yourself with japanese fluent speaker : friend, interpretor, family member which happen to side with you, lawyer, … but still try to follow the conversation in japanese and take part in it in japanese to prove that you are not fluent in japanese yet but trying your best to become it.
Could you consider offering her, when she is not in berseck mode, to help her go peacefully throught therapy by having you live with the child and her living by herself. You will both come several time a day so that she can play with the child &co, you can help her do housework &co, … but she will mostly be able to stay alone doing her things at her pace without being bothered and dealing with the effects of therapy peacefully (the getting worse before getting better is not a rarity). You can also discuss the option with her counsellor.