Last year, my father-in-law (FIL) passed away. He was given a terminal diagnosis, and he died a few months later at home. I was able to participate in all aspects of the funeral service given the Buddhist traditions.
As a foreigner with no experience with Buddhism (raised Catholic but an atheist), this experience was very unique. I figured writing about it may be helpful to anyone attending a Buddhist funeral or someone that is curious about it. I also realize there are several schools of Buddhism, so I am sure there are differences based on that as well.
My FIL passed away at night. My mother-in-law (MIL) called the nurse that had been attending to him and they made plans to come by the house with the doctor the following morning. Apparently, only a doctor can declare someone dead so even though my FIL passed away on a Wednesday, officially, he died the following day.
We also contacted a funeral home that came in the morning. They advised to keep the room as cold as possible. This was particularly difficult during the summer months. I had only seen a corpse once during a funeral service, so it was very shocking to me to have the body stay in the home until the following morning.
After my FIL was declared dead by the doctor, the funeral home took the body to their premises where it was kept in a cool place. We went there the following day with a monk to offer prayers and incense.
My family met with the funeral home director for a long time to discuss so many things, I was surprised with how much planning was needed. They choose to have the body cleaned and so the day of the funeral we all went there early (immediate family only) and entered a room where two workers were going to clean the body. This included removing facial hair, cutting toenails and fingernails and putting a bit of makeup among other things.
Before they started, each of us was invited to throw some water on his body which was covered by a white sheet. After that, we were dismissed of the room and went into another room with tables, sofas, and even an adjacent room with futons for people staying the night. The staff finished cleaning the body and placed him in a white coffin. The coffin was kept opened.
Later, the monk arrived once more and there was a small ceremony with lots of chanting. We each had to stand up in front of the altar and in front of the coffin and offer a prayer and incense. This included bowing to all families present and raising a bit of incense at forehead height 3 times before starting a prayer. The altar included a picture of FIL, surrounded by white flowers and presents received by others.
After the ceremony, a dinner was held with all attendees. Because I had a small baby, I left afterwards but my husband and immediate family of my FIL stayed in there with him during the night. Some people from out of town came by at various hours to say goodbye to FIL.
The following day, we all went back and another ceremony with the monk took place in the same room where FIL and the altar was. After the ceremony, we all placed some type of plant all around him (my guess is to aid with cremation). We also included letters and things of that sort and many people touched the body for the last time. Then, they closed the coffin and a procession was started to move him to the funeral car waiting outside (I can’t remember what they are called). MIL and monk rode with FIL. Everyone else followed in their cars to the crematory.
When we arrived, the body was moved to where the cremation was to take place. We all watched him be put inside and the door closed. They placed his picture at the door and we left for another room to eat lunch while we waited for the cremation to end (about 2-3 hours).
This was the most shocking part for me. We all went back to where he had been cremated and watched them pull him out. You could see the shape of the skeleton with only the bones left. They moved everything like that to another room. Here, we all took turns in pairs to place the bones in an urn using long chopsticks. After getting most of the bones, a person working in the crematory finished the job and used a small brush to gather small pieces. Once finished, the worker closed the urn and covered it in the Buddhist-style white bag. Then, we took the urn out and came back home. To note, there is an order of picking up the bones. I think you start at the feet and move up with the head being last. As if the deceased is in the correct position within the urn.
After a few months, we held another ceremony with the monk in which the urn was taken to its final resting place at the cemetery. This was a family grave so many urns were there. We also took everyone to eat lunch afterwards.
The whole process took many days in total. We also received many envelopes with money and people coming by the house to offer prayers/incense during this time. They recorded how much money everyone gave and provided return gifts after FIL was taken to the cemetery.
To note is that dressing appropriately was very important. Only wear black, very little make-up for women and men all wore black suits. Also, the monk gives the deceased a new name. This is so the living are not calling on them after their passing. Very interesting stuff. Be prepared for a lot of chanting and incense if attending a Buddhist ceremony. Each ceremony lasted about one hour.
by Ordinary_Life