There have been many posts about physical affairs, and I think the basics have already been covered. (Some Japanese cheat, like in any other country. You can be sued for cheating in marriage, yet some take a practical and less moralistic view towards sex compared to many countries.) However, things like ***micro-cheating*** (e.g., flirting, DMing) and ***emotional affairs*** in Japan have not been brought up much, if at all. They can be just as important since they can lead to physical affairs. (Western marriage counselors say most affairs are not intentional; affair partners usually start as friends or co-workers, and things evolve as they repeatedly let their boundaries slip….) And, regardless, many people (most women & some men) are more hurt if their partner has an emotional affair compared to a purely physical affair.
In my 20 years here, I have noticed that Japanese tend to have very different norms around expectations and boundaries in marriage. Western and Japanese reactions to my past situation painfully highlighted these differences…. In an seemingly otherwise great marriage, my Japanese wife repeatedly ignored my not-so-strict boundaries (my boundaries: male friends are 100% okay, but if you are attracted to someone, don’t try to deepen the connection, i.e., frequently DMing them, meeting up with them), and she likely had a brief emotional affair… at the very least. When I (N. American male) brought up this on relationships and infidelity subs, they absolutely roasted me. They replied that I was weak for not holding her accountable, that she is a horrible person, and that we did everything wrong, based on what marriage counselors from North America suggest. (They say clear communication & boundaries are essential; if cheating happens and is discovered, full disclosure, remorse, and action are needed for their to be any chance at reconciliation).
In contrast, my friends who have been married to Japanese long-term, my wife herself, her Japanese friends, and videos about Japanese marriage suggested the opposite: I was being too controlling and too jealous. “Boundaries don’t exist or are not discussed.” “You just trust them.” “You do what you want… but you also face the consequences.” “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” “Avoid drama.” “If something is discovered, ignore it or get a divorce.” “Marriage counseling is for losers” (as the wife of one commenter noted). However, this is also anecdotal evidence from a few sources, and I suppose it may be exaggerated or an over-generalization. (Also, even if true, I know Japan is not the only country to have some of these ideals.)
If you are Japanese, if you’ve had a long-term relationship here, or if you know reliable sources on the topic, what would you say are the norms here, if any, around boundaries? (E.g., You can’t meet someone of the opposite sex alone? Don’t do anything behind their back? No DMing? Or… There are none – just consequences?) You could say that it is up to the couple, but norms exist and these things are often not discussed, especially in Japan.
Is there really little hope for open and honest discussions leading to reconciliation in Japan? (Is it really mostly either sweep-it-under-the-rug, long-term resentment, or divorce?)
I do not want advice or judgment, and please no stereotyping or trashing the culture. I just wanted to bring this issue up for discussion as it is incredibly important for anyone in an inter-cultural relationship…..
Thanks!
by SoundRelationship76