For context I’ve been living in Japan for almost 3 years and recently found a Japanese woman I really like. We have our occasional arguments but nothing terrible.
The other night we were at a bar and a local man about our age asked the question *”So when are you leaving Japan?”* I think this has happened maybe once before but for some reason I thought it was extremely rude this time. I know I’ll always be perceived as an outsider here but it felt very alienating to hear that. It put me in a really bad mood from then on but my girlfriend thought I was overreacting.
Anyways I’m curious about other people’s perceptions about being asked this question. I know its my own insecurity but isn’t this a impolite thing to be asked?
\*\*EDIT: I think I’ve gotten to root of my feeling why it was offensive. As I said my girlfriend was right next to us both and felt like he was implying that A) I’m GOING to leave and B) That I’m not serious about her
by tegamikureru
26 comments
You get it over it. The vast majority of foreigners move back to their home countries so it’s common for locals to see foreign faces come and go.
I’ve recently only been asked at during job interviews and I just reply “I bought a house here. I’m not planning to move back”
No need to get worked up or stress about it, I think it’s normal for most people to just assume foreigners want to ‘go home’ at the end just like they would (if you think about ut, most people live pretty close to where they were born).
I just say ‘oh I really like this country, so I haven’t made any plans yet!’ – I feel that works regardless of the question’s subtext and we move on to more interesting topics.
Interestingly to me not a single Japanese has asked this question ever. Only other expats 😂
Do you think you’ll ever go back to your country to live?
Honestly, as a foreigner wanting to live here long-term, it’s more often than not that people leave so even I ask it sometimes 😅
Definitely not something to be too offended over
Already had a lengthy thread about this not even a week ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/comments/1b71i0f/is_this_considered_a_microaggression/
I’d say your girlfriend was right, you’re gonna get the question a million times more while you live here and there is nothing you can do to change it, so why worry about it? I don’t let it bother me, just like the jouzu comments about speaking Japanese or using chopsticks just go with the flow
Lately I don’t get asked this question any more because I’m settled at work, neighborhood,
kid’s schools… But to be fair, if I meet a foreigner this topic might come up after some time as well. I have no intention investing my energy in friendship with a person who decided already to leave in a year. As a question when chitchatting with a stranger who nows that I am not a tourist? It’s not appropriate and I will end the conversation with this person.
Plenty of Japanese would love to leave Japan — sometimes the question comes from a place of vicarious interest over imputed homesickness or lack of roots
I’m on the side of your girlfriend. Most of the time you get offended by a Japanese person’s question, while your feelings are valid, the Japanese person probably meant no ill will in asking. They don’t have the same sensibilities you do so naturally they don’t mean to insult or offend you. Also why do you guys harp on the whole “I know I’ll always be an outsider” thing so hard. Of course, you’ll always be one because you aren’t Japanese, weren’t raised here and don’t have a connection to the culture here. They probably didn’t ask that question just because you’re an outsider. They probably asked because most foreigners don’t make a permanent home here. Don’t take it as “When is your ass leaving Japan?”
There’s nothing discourteous in asking a question in the *spirit of sincere curiosity*.
“Why do you ask? You gonna throw me a farewell party?”
I was asked the same question when I was abroad, and I didn’t find it rude since almost all foreigners eventually return home. It’s just small talk.
on a serious note, when are you leaving japan?
She was right. Asking a foreigner when they plan on going home isn’t a weird question because more likely than not they are planning on returning home at some point. TELLING a foreigner to go home is insulting.
“but my girlfriend thought I was overreacting.”
Your girlfriend is right. How many people work in Japan for a year – or not even – and then leave? On the other hand, at decades in, I know very few foreigners who are here long term.
I’ve literally asked some variation to this question to foreigners in my own country and I was just genuinely curious if they plan to stay here or go home some day.
Just chill out. Unless someone tells you to gtfo then you’re over thinking it.
If you don’t get over small comments like this you’ll just grow bitter
I’ve been here for a little over 10 years now and am married with kids.
I’ve stopped caring about comments like this because being angry every time a Japanese person essentially calls you out for being a foreigner is just going to make you miserable and you’ll be known as the classic “foreigner who complains too much” to Japanese people
The foreigners who last here long term are the ones who stop giving a shit about being called 外人 or told 箸が上手ですね etc.
I think a lot of people who get angry about this are early 20s white dudes who come to Japan and have their first experience of being “othered” or not thought as being “default/normal” in terms of looks. Get used to not being in the majority. This is coming from a white American lol
The few times I’ve got this question, I just say that I go back every year.
I guess this lets them reconsider the question they wanted to ask, and finally pass on it.
Just yesterday I did a work course on Unconscious Bias, and one of the examples was asking a foreigner when they were going home.
Dont let anyone here deny you your feelings about this. Your right to have negative feelings about one of the many comments which come under the umbrella of “you dont belong here”. But they won’t stop coming, and the only thing you can do is grow a thick skin. I’d have my ass handed to me asking the same question in many other countries.
But I think you can minimise the sting if you consider that the majority of Japanese people would never imagine leaving Japan and never returning. They’re home birds. And they’d naturally assume that people from other countries will inevitably want to ‘return home’ too. Theres no malice in the idea itself – unless its said with contempt or malice – in which case you might be better off finding another bar to drink at.
Not so long ago some guy (who I’d met for the first time in a bar) asked me the same question “*When are you leaving Japan?*” and I responded with a very ambiguous (not aggressive at all) “*why do you ask?*”.
The guy then proceeded to go on about how a lot of foreigners don’t stay very long etc etc etc etc. I simply replied with “*yeah but that doesn’t necessarily mean everyone is coming to Japan with no intention of staying permanently, right?*”. He gave me a 確かに確かに and then the conversation just naturally drifted towards talking about football, life in general etc. I think I “diffused” it fairly well without even having to answer his question and (hopefully) he got the hint that it would be better not to go around asking people that question (or at least in that way).
This is now my go-to response if anyone asks me.
If someone instead asks some variant of “*Are you planning to stay in Japan for the long term?*” then I’d be happy to answer them.
**In your specific context** (your girlfriend being right there with you) it was **absolutely rude of him to ask**, regardless of whether he offered to buy you a drink. It’s extremely rude to you and your girflriend.
You were right to be angry and I can imagine your dilemma at that specific moment in time, having to decide whether to press the issue (and risk ruining the evening for yourself and your girlfriend) or letting it go but still being angry later.
I would chalk it down to this specific individual being a *dickhead* lacking social skills who absolutely cannot “read the room”, because I know plenty of Japanese people who would never dream of asking such a rude, loaded question, especially in that context.
I’m on your side OP. That’s a dick move to pull on someone when they’re with their gf of said country. He knew what he was doing.
Maybe he thought you were a tourist. Otherwise, yes, an incredibly rude question to ask a complete stranger, I think. You’re not wrong to be a bit upset about it.
He probably didn’t realise how it might come across and just spoke without thinking. Not many among us can claim never to have put his foot in his mouth after a few drinks.
I just tell people that I am leaving tomorrow.
I consider it rude. Even in English it’s more polite to ask how long you are planning to stay than to ask when you’re leaving. And Japanese people are low key rude. Similar to British people. Haha. So unless he asked it in English, which would be a second language, I would consider it rude.
Assuming the question was いつ国に帰るか and not one of the many slight variations that would actually be polite いつか国に帰るか？
Fuck the people in the comments telling you how to feel. It’s okay (good, even) to be disappointed or frustrated at prejudice, which is what this literally was. It’s okay to not want to harden yourself against micro aggressions, and to just be treated like an individual human being.
The ideology of racial/ethnic determinism (writ large, lookism) has a stranglehold on this country. This guy either has the social skills to frequent this bar but somehow not to realize the rude implications of what he said… or maybe he knew it was rude but felt it was okay to be rude to you anyway. I can’t know for sure but I do know what my money is on.
I’m sorry you had this shitty interaction. I don’t know how to smooth talk my way out of these kinds of situations yet either, but some other commenters can and seem to have advice.
All I can say is that there are a bunch of really cool people all over Japan who know how to be real ones, and the more you go out, the more likely you will be to run into them. Hope this helps.