Meeting and staying with boyfriends family

7 comments

1. In no particular order: don’t hug them (unless they do it first, unlikely as that is). Wear the toilet slippers. Be intensely interested in what they show you, oohs and ahs don’t require translations. Don’t be the only one laughing at something and especially not someone. Compliment the food. Don’t forget the -san behind the names. Be prepared for the possibility that they may not like you or your SO bringing in a foreigner.

   You may be in your head a lot before you meet them because you want to make a good impression. Don’t overthink it, be yourself. You’ve seen a bit of Japan, you see how things are done here. Just do more of that and try not to be a dick – which is advice that applies globally when you meet the parents.

2. That’s great, I hope you have fun!

   Some suggestions but please don’t take them as gospel:

   * Snacks/chocolates with nice wrapping is the expected gift. Avoid kit-kats
   * Dress conservatively, muted colors. No cleavage, long skirts. Think 50’s America. Cover up tattoos if possible
   * Don’t wear perfume or anything that gives off a strong scent
   * If you’re drinking together, have whatever beer they order first before anything else
   * Expect to be complimented on your amazing chopsticks ability and how well you speak Japanese. This is small talk / icebreaker conversation just to fill the air. Just say not at all, thanks, etc. Expect some small talk about the weather, practice this
   * No shoes in the house of course, they’ll probably lend you house slippers. There is sometimes a second set of bathroom slippers, so don’t mix those up
   * Some families share the bath water, meaning that you should shower (soap) before getting in the tub. No soap in the tub, basically. Fish out hair when you get out
   * When you’re using your translate app, omit the word ‘you’. Translate apps will write this as ‘anata’ and it comes across very rude, but without it the sentence can still be understood well without it
   * Asking what people do for a living here when you first meet them can sometimes be taboo, but expect people to ask your age immediately (this is to make sure they are using the right honorifics) and some people are quick to comment about your weight. This is just a cultural thing to get used to, don’t take any of it personally
   * Expect them to act relatively or distant cold compared to meeting parents in the West. That doesn’t mean they don’t like you (though it might) people just tend to open up much slower here. Drinking helps but that varies greatly by person/family
   * If you go out late together, come back together. My brother in law thought it was incredibly rude that I didn’t share a taxi ride back with him and has been bringing it up for five years as if it was some great betrayal. You can leave again after you get home.
   * No touching 🙂 Don’t hug or kiss or handshake or touch anybody lol. There are varying degrees of bowing. Do the very deep vow the first time you meet them and then after a half bow or head nod is fine

   Good luck!

3. Not necessarily, but offering to help with any kind of house chores will please your boyfriend’s family(especially mother), and will help you be accepted in the future.

   1. offer to help clean-up dishes
   2. get up earlier than boyfriend’s mother, and offer to help anything if mother solely prepares the breakfast
   3. just do help with any kind of cleaning in the house or at least help making beds, his mother in law is not the house-made.
   4. Just say “Osaki desu” after the bath. So Family will know they can enter the room.

   Your boyfriend’s mother will say no a few times, but just offer strongly and show her that you are willing to help anything in the house.

   Is this only for a woman?

   No.I am a man and do the same when I visit my wife’s family.

   I always clean the toilet and bathroom. If weather allows I bring all the Futons outside and dry them under the Sun as well. Other than that, my wife’s parents are over 70s so I sometimes offer help on how to use smart phones. Whatever browsing history they have, I ignore what I see, and just erase inappropriate contents like that never happened.

   edit: space

4. Gift something your country is famous for.
   I was in the same position when I first arrived a couple of months ago. I just bought some local wine (which my area is famous for) and they loved it. Great talking point too!

   Also compliment the food they make for you, and when you’re done say “gochisousama”.
   But otherwise as long as you are thoughtful and polite you’ll be fine

5. All good points just wanted to add that it took me three years to be accepted by my Father in Law. To say he was not thrilled with his daughters choice in BF at the time is an understatement.

   25 years later and we are cool. So what I am saying is if they are cold at first they will eventually warm up to you.

6. Its just luck. They already basically love you or hate you. In my case the dad was quiet and the mother was super cool. In my friend s case, both parents hated him from the very beginning.

7. You know this but… when you speak directly to his mother and father, don’t use “anata wa…” (as one of my friends did… he got off to a bad start with his future in-laws!). Refer to dad as “otou-san” and mum as “okaa-san”. So, for example, if you want to ask dad if he likes baseball… “Otou-san wa, yakyuu ga suki desu ka?”