[Part 1 (from April 2023)](https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/comments/12q5695/awful_divorce_lawyer_got_me_screwed/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)
TLDR: She cheated, got the kids, house, massive amount of child support, then started living with the cheater with my kids in my old house.
Part 2: A year later and nothing much has changed.
So I started mediation around when I made the first post. One year later, **it’s still ongoing**. Japanese family courts work in slow motion. A typical meeting; 3 hours of talking, no one can agree, OK let’s continue this **NEXT month**. Yes, one meeting a month, often one every 2 months. Put it this way I had 7 mediations in a year.
Because kids are involved a “child investigator” is also present, asking me questions about the kids, my relationship with them, how did previous days/visits with the kids go, etc. A stranger is trying to determine if I’m a good father, yet the mother is deemed automatically “in the right” because she is the one with custody and living with them (plus she’s Japanese). The domestic violence against me? Not important. The videos I have of her hitting the kids? Not relevant. The kids don’t say anything bad against her so they **don’t even look at the video**. 4 months of investigations later, “*OK so we see no issue with the kids seeing you, and the kids want to see you so let’s arrange some days when you can see the kids.*”
Great. The problem is, my ex can completely ignore those requests and suffer no consequences. She’s says they’re sick, tired, got homework, don’t want to see me today, the list of excuses are endless. The next mediation it won’t even get mentioned. No consequences for her, meanwhile that’s another month I haven’t seen my kids.
When the day finally comes that I **can** see them, the kids feel “off” and distant from me. I can tell their mother has spent the last year telling them “Daddy is a bad guy, he doesn’t even want to pay for you guys”.
For those that missed part 1, I’ve also been trying to reduce the child support payments from **60% of my monthly salary** to a more reasonable 20%. This is the root cause of my ex going full psycho on me and cutting me off from the kids. Full explanation of why I signed such a awful agreement is on the previous post, but TLDR: Japanese family lawyers suck.
My advice:
* Get a good lawyer. However note that **most if not all family lawyers in Japan are bad,** your Japanese spouse’s lawyer will get a bonus if they make sure you pay more child support and don’t see your kids (so my ex’s lawyer must have got a huge bonus). **Your** lawyer will get a bonus if you get visitation and low child support payments, and they take a % of how much they saved you. If/when my new lawyer successfully reduces my payments, he’ll get a huge bonus. They are incentivised by money, not the welfare of the kids. Obvious but worth restating.
* If you take the mediation route, don’t give up on what you’re entitled to like I did. If you don’t agree by the end, a judge will make a decision somewhere in the middle of what you both want, but this will **take over a year** get done. Your spouse will have no option but to sign by the end.
* If child support **reduction** is involved like me, note that every month you don’t pay the full amount, it will have to be paid at the end of the mediation as one lump sum. Because the mediation is taking so long, it’ll be calculated as one year of partial payments, therefore, a massive amount to pay at the end (I’m saving for that). My advice, get your lawyer to focus fully/solely on that first, mine didn’t and it’s going to cost me more in the end. Plus he gets a bonus for reducing it remember.
* Finally, this sounds harsh but **don’t have kids with a Japanese person if you’re a foreigner and have any doubts about your spouse.** Not without some unbreakable pre-nup at least. The family laws are stacked against us here, doesn’t matter how long you’ve been here, how good your Japanese is, how good your job is, you have no rights post-divorce, and there is a high risk you’ll never see your kids again if that happens. 10 years ago I would have scoffed at such a comment, now I’m writing it. If your spouse works, has an international mindset, and a loving soul I’m sure you’ll be OK, but just be careful and smart. Unlike me.
It can get even worse, and there are foreign organisations fighting to change the custody laws, the Japanese government are useless. Heck just do a Google for “parental abduction Japan” and you’ll be shocked about what’s going on right now under our noses.
I’ll try to answer any questions, especially if you’re in a crappy divorce situation like me. Cruel/rude comments from people will be ignored.
by burnerdivorce
31 comments
My sympathies on your situation. It sucks.
Have you managed to sell off your share of the house to her? If not why not.
I assume your visitation wasn’t court ordered and that is why you are in mediation now? I am still wondering why that wasn’t part of the divorce conditions. Did you initiate the divorce or did she?
Also supposedly the joint custody law introduced by the MOJ last year passed the lower house vote with the upper house vote to take place in late June this year also expecting to pass. If all goes well it could go into effect earliest April 2025.
Also the joint custody proposal isn’t going to change things significantly. There is still the issue that even in separation where both parents still have parental rights, there is still a designated parent determined by whichever parent had the kid the longest. It doesn’t mean that judges will start ordering the kid spend 50 50 at each parents place.
The only legal changes with joint custody are,
1 you won’t be charged with kidnapping if you pull your kid out of school when wife is not looking but most likely the kid will be sent to jidousoudanjyo if such action initiates a fight. As if that is any better.
2 you don’t have to disclose money you are saving for your kid and b he other parent has no ability to take it.
3. Maybe you can call your kid as much as you like.
Sucks man. Not sure how much this applies to your case, but a new joint custody bill was just passed: https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2024/03/08/japan/society/joint-custody-bill/.
If this can’t get sorted, I’d probably just move to another country with higher wages, keep sending my child support and start-over, then try to get into the kids’ lives when they are old enough to better understand the situation. It’s harsh, but we’ve seen cases of divorced parents fighting this kinda stuff out for years and the non-Japanese parent are usually on the losing end.
Real Japan hits hard
That’s insane….
Is leaving Japan an option? It just sounds so unfair to you that even though Japan is a fun country and relatively safe compared to most 1st world countries, even that is not worth your current situation.
Your ex wife has pretty much ensured you’re out of your kids lives. It’s not going to make much of a difference for them if you are here or your home country.
I am sorry for what’re going through (to say the least). If it serves as any solace, know that you writing “prenup”. I will take it into account if I ever get married here.
> **most if not all family lawyers in Japan are bad**
This is true for the affordable ones. Let’s not talk about the cheap ones because there are none.
The really good ones cost an arm and a leg.
> They are incentivised by money, not the welfare of the kids.Â
Gonna be real with you here. The same is true for all of them. Its a job, compensation matters. You want someone hungry for victory fighting for you. Its not their kids, those are your kids. You get to be emotionally driven because you’re a dad. No one will fight for your kids like you do. You go above and beyond for them. But don’t expect your lawyer to get inspired by that (considering the cheating ex, do be worried of any other male inspired by that). Lawyers are doing their job. They will be incentivized by money. They did not spend thousands of hours studying law and spending a ton of cash paying for tuition so they can be emotionally inpired by some stranger’s offspring. So what if their motivations are different from yours. What is important is that they are motivated in the first place.
Bottom line is, family court ain’t fair. Very few regions on this planet has a fair family court. Most are just straight up broken and rigged. Be it from corruption, systemic bias, religious influence, cultural issues, etc. The only places on Earth that gives advantages to foreign parents are a few of the really worse-off third-world countries that all but worship the wallets of their caucasian tourists. Couple that with how backwards the justice system is in Japan, and its just a huge messy pile of stuff people would rather not be involved with.
The unfortunate and painful fact is that its a game of manipulation where morals are ignored in lieu of money. If you want to win, then you’ll need to be unfair, cruel, and taking advantage of your opponent’s every single weakness, weaknesses that you will likely need to create, becuase you can’t capitalize on something you can’t predict. Find a lawyer that’s a killer shark hell bent on winning. It won’t feel nice from a moral standpoint, but I doubt you feel good either way.
Sadly, I know nothing about the rules for changing legal representation. Though a bloodthirsty lawyer would probably have a workable answer for that.
> **don’t have kids with a Japanese person if you’re a foreigner and have any doubts about your spouse.**Â
LOL. forget anything about nationality. Or even having kids. Or even making them your spouse. The key words are: “***If you have any doubts***”. Like seriously, why’d you even commit to person you have doubts with.
The whole point of a courtship/dating/pre-wedding romantic relationship is for a couple to learn and figure things out with each other before they decide that they can and should tie the knot. Is this the person I want to grow old with? Can we stand by each other at the worst of our times? Do I have any doubts about their sense of responsibility, loyalty, critical thinking, morality, etc?
That ain’t harsh at all, it’s a warning that comes a little too late.
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Makes me second guess if I want to marry my Japanese girlfriend. I didn’t know anything about these laws, it’s kinda scary. I hope you get through this eventually.
Man… it must be feel so defeating. You’re living my worst nightmare.
Note: this is not advising you on hat to do or any course of action. Only giving me story about me and daughter.
I keep a daily blog, password protected, of what I was/am (less often now) going through, and my feelings for daughter. Record the truth, the other side of the story she did not get to know.
My figuring was that one day she will be old enough to google me or her own name.
Kept a regular blog of everything, kept it positive no bad mouthing her mom, but not lying either. Kept it about her, not my relationship with her mom. Notes to her about the things I wanted to tell her, share with her. It also has double password protected links to the abuse recordings, so that those will only be shared when I absolutely feel it is OK/needed/ the right thing.
If she googles her name or mine (oh, I also own [hername] . com domain) she will find it. It is password protected with a note that she can ask me for the password.
*However* thankfully I don’t think it will come to that. When she was younger it was always “She doesn’t want to see you.” and to be honest, she didn’t because of the bullshit her mom said and she did not clearly remember the abuse against both of us.
Now as she is older, she has come to realize that there are two sides and that everything her mom says is not true, and that I am not what she has been told. She now actively calls me to do things and has asked to come stay with me for extended periods sometimes when her schedule allows. I don’t think I will ever have to share the really bad stuff with her – at least not to prove anything. It will only be for a bit more context for her to fill in the blanks of her childhood once she is much older and wiser and mature enough to really understand it all.
I know it is terrible at the time when you can not see them. And I know all the thoughts you think about what they must be thinking about you, and what you are missing, and it is terrible.
I opted not to “fight” for her because I saw no way to win, and I did not want her to be the center of a fight. I figured that the harder I push, the more her mom will BS her – her mom had always weaponized her. Abused her because she knew that was the best way to hurt me, and even if I get to see her, she will be seeing me grudgingly and resent it and resent me – because she was too young to really understand.
I decided to suck it up and hope that one day at the very least she would know. Then I felt like she will say “Why didn’t you fight for me daddy?” I don’t know what felt worse, not being able to see her grow up every day, or thinking that she might think I abandoned her. Even writing this I cry.
I am now happy (or resigned my self to be happy) with my decision. She is now a young adult, and has a better grasp on things, and ha been able to come to her own conclusions without pressure from me, and I missed a lot, and if I focus on that I cry. But when I see her now, I don’t feel so much about what I missed. Everything slips into the moment and I feel like maybe I was just away on business for a while, or in prison, or in a coma, or whatever other reason other people have in their life that prevents them from being there as their child grows.. Things are OK now. As OK as they can be and all the signs show that it will only be getting better.
They grow up fast. It has its good points and its bad points. She grew up fast, and I missed so much of it. For that I am sad. But on the other hand, she grew up fast, and so the time where she has more free will, and more capable to understand has come faster than I expected and so now we can have a relationship that is honestly better than I expected it would be.
I’m in the same position waiting for something to happen. she’s got everything but haven’t signed any co tracts at all so far. I know my son is suffering.
Lawyers suck. They are mostly greedy parasites. Legal systems are basically set up to keep this parasite class in money while wielding huge amounts of social and political influence. Justice systems have nothing much whatsoever to do with popular concepts of justice.
Haven`t been in this position but your wife is a cruel, manipulative asshole. Yeah you made a mistake marrying her in the first place but people like that who are real life sociopaths/psycopaths can successfully hide who they are. And there are selective sociopaths/psycopaths – some are the type who have a good circle of friends/friendly acquaintances, seem to get along with everybody etc but one to one in a serious sexual/committed relationship start showing just who they are and what they think of you.
When somebody shows you who they are and what they think of you – believe them. It`s too late in Japan once you`ve got hooked into marriage, true for both men and women. Never share everything money and asset wise with your partner regardless of how good they seem or are – keep some separate accounts etc in your home country that you never mention to them. Ever. As a foreigner that separation of knowledge and finance is one weapon you`ve got against a partner that turns out to be toxic.
When you get into a situation where you need legal advice and assistance as a foreigner – ask around your foreigner circles for info on a good law firm. If you don`t have that information available from your foreigner friends and helpful acquaintances or don`t have any, do your research.
In the same situation I would never have got a female J lawyer. Not being sexist here, just realistic. For sure women are undervalued in this society for their intellect etc and J women in the professions like legal and medical for example are high caliber.
BUT this is a male dominated society for the most, get a male lawyer and one who you`ve researched online etc. For a few legal matters that have happened in my J life, I`ve always gone for J male lawyers that have spent significant time in a western country studying and working. They will work more for you and be less concerned about trying to fit into compromising with your adversary. Unfortunately those lawyers who`ve been good for me don`t do family law or I`d recommend em.
Last point to everybody – nail your marriage partner when they cheat using the J laws available. Most of the time once your J partner has cheated it`s over – you either have to accept the fake marriage deal where you`re together for face saving or you have to bring the marriage to an end with you taking the initiative to avoid being screwed over in the case of having kids, owning the house etc.
To the OP – if you`ve still got money, you should look at leaving, go somewhere else you can get employed or go back to your home country and start again. It`s doable, it`s just tough mentally to think of at first. Best wishes.
Sometimes I’m really glad I’m not attracted to japanese women.
Dude I remember that first post.
Wish you the best.
While I would love for the court to rule in your favor and she face every vile thing she has done…
It may end up one way, the other, or somewhere in between.
No matter what happens, your kids need to see you being a civil, mature, and reasonable adult who undoubtedly loves and cares about them and their futures above all else.
I have a kid in between houses and I am SO happy that I didn’t fall for my ex’s drama and bs.
My kid is old enough to see all of this now and understand just how much I put in to her happiness.
To look back and reevaluate the discrepancies between my ex’s stories and how I carry myself.
She asks about clarification sometimes and I still don’t badmouth the other half, but I phrase my answers it in a mature way that makes my daughter understand I’m respecting her feelings and taking her seriously.
Fight your fight however you need to. But don’t leave a trail of trash for your kids to follow.
They’ll love you for being real.
Had the same run around. Only one child and an ex that was clinically insane. Had no idea before we married. She was an academy award winner actor. I had mediation weekly for 2 1/2 years.
Mediation person- what do you want?
Me- A divorce.
Ex- I still love him
MP- see you next week.
Yeah, it was like that for 2 1/2 years
Sorry to hear, I hope you can get through this all right. May I ask looking back, what were some of the yellow / red flags that she showed?
I remember your original post.
Honestly, good on you for making the last point. The real victims in all of this are your kids, who are stuck in the middle of a situation they don’t deserve to be in. Unless the custody laws here are changed, your situation will continue to occur — and people (mostly men, but also women) need to be very realistic and acknowledge this possibility before having kids.
i’d leave the country and disappear in such situation no matter how much I love my kids becuase I don’t think I’d get to see my kids again. Once you’re gone the guy your ex wife is with currently will also probably leave bcoz he’ll have to pay for their support.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. This is an unfortunate situation that sadly is very common in Japan. I work at a Japanese law firm and see this type of situation all the time.
I wouldn’t say most lawyers in Japan are bad, but rather, the system in Japan doesn’t give them much to work with. Even if you win a case, if the mother refuses to comply with an order, the most you can do is start another court case for “indirect enforcement” which is ultimately a nominal fine. In this legal landscape, there’s really not much more that a lawyer will be able to do since there is no good method of enforcement in Japan.
Ever time I read something like this I thank the gods my parents did divorce correctly. Best of luck OP. I hope something changes. Do your kids have (or are they old enough) for cell phones? Email?
I will commend you for your restraint. I probably would be in prison by now if I were in your shoes. This whole post just made me rage.
I come from ignorance, but from what I’ve heard Japan is pretty tough when it comes to cheating, with cases where the affair partner has to repay the cheated on person for ruining the marriage, or something along those lines.
Wouldn’t the fact that she cheated on you (if it can be proved) be very in your favor? (of course I guess the answer is NO considering you’re posting this, but I was wondering how was the dynamic there).
This is why alot of People in Japan doesn’t want to have Children
The court should start to punish Cheaters Males or Female financially
The Government should NEVER Enable Cheaters and Domestic abusers in Court
If anyone want to cheat then Leave the relationship stop being a disgusting piece of garbage
This sucks and I hope things will get better for you. I know a few people who were or are in similar situations in Japan. However, I would like to say that this happens to Japanese men with their Japanese wives too, and not just foreigners. My Japanese friend whose wife cheated on him ended up taking the kids and house etc. I asked him ‘when was the last time he saw his kids’ and replied ‘I don’t even know where they are’. He is an extremely extremely nice guy so I think like OP said, you have to be an AH when going through something like this otherwise you’re gonna be eaten alive. You’ve already been cheated on so there’s no reason to be nice. It’s weird because Japan is apparently a patriarchal society but nice men get absolutely torn apart in these kinds of proceedings. 60% of your pay along with the house doesn’t even make any sense.
Man, it sounds like an awful situation to be in. I hope it comes to a somewhat bearable conclusion. My parents divorced when I was a kid and absolutely hated each other, so I know what it’s like to bounce between two parents who constantly try to put down the other side. Just keep fighting, because they won’t be kids forever and will soon recognise a parent that has been fighting to spend time with them. I certainly realised as I got older that a lack of effort on my father’s side was the reason we barely got together.
I’ve got a kid of my own and thankfully I’ve never gotten the impression that my wife would do something like this. She seems more the type who would forgive endless amounts of shit just to keep the family together. Not that I intend to put that to the test, not after my experiences with my own father.
I’m curious how you ended up with such unreasonable child support payments, since I didn’t think child support was even enforceable in this country. Or was it agreed between you as part of the visiting rights agreement?
Good luck, man. Really.
In the states I worked in family law. We saw cases like this all the time. It really sucks, and it’s not just a Japanese problem.
Something I couldn’t strongly recommend enough is to keep proof of everything you’re saying here. Every time she says, “They’re too tired” you need to document that and keep the proof. While she’s telling you THEY don’t want to come she’s telling them YOU don’t want them to come. They’re going to grow up thinking you’re the reason the visits aren’t happening and they might not believe you when you tell them it wasn’t you later down the line. However, when you have 8 years worth of “They’re too tired’s” screenshotted, that’s much more believable.
Only reason I’m still in my marriage is because of my kids. I know 100% I’d lose them in a divorce.
For the low low price of being shunned and ignored by my family, I at least get to watch my kids grow up. Now just counting the days until something finally breaks mentally.