Got plans to move in with my gf and parents want to meet. Father asked her why a japanese guy was no good and expressed how our kids(if we get married) will be bullied.
How have any of you handled meeting parents that are like this?
Bring him the traditional gift of a big old bottle of whiskey and get shitfaced with him. All will be fine.
Although are you an eigo sensei? Because let’s be honest, if you are his next question is going to be how do you plan on supporting my daughter and your future offspring on an eigo sensei’s salary which is going to be a hard sell…
Stand your ground and show how much you care for his daughter. The best way to get him to trust you is just time and patience really. It’s hard for someone especially someone with conservative values to accept what they are against.
Ofc he doesn’t like you, you’re banging his daughter and he has no idea who tf you are. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but it’s incredibly normal and understandable.
I wouldn’t take it as more serious than it is
Not that I am defending the father, but this is far from the worst I’ve heard (Japanese) parents say about their kids foreign partner. Just be polite and don’t hide yourself and maybe he will come around. And if he doesn’t you can still figure it out from there.
The positive is that they’re asking to at least meet. Probably a lot will be on your gf to calm her father down before meeting, and all you can do is be polite and answer any questions the best you can. Take a small gift of food or something when you go meet and do your best to keep any emotions in check, even if they’re a bit rude, because any outbursts or bad expressions will only “prove their point” in later family discussions. Good luck!
This worry tends to disappear in practice if you show up and are an “upstanding citizen”. Of course there’s an unfair bias to overcome, and it’s not fair, but not insurmountable. Just… yeah, maybe a shitty Japanese guy would have it easier than a mediocre you.
You are mostly dealing with preconceived notions here. I was in a similar situation with very traditional parents who were outright against international marriage. I arrived in a suit on my first meeting, sat in their home’s tatami room for a “meeting”, brought gifts (alcohol, famous omiyage snacks, etc.) Practiced what I was going to say to get all the “formalities” correct. Once they saw I spoke Japanese and wasn’t some boogeyman, things completely changed. Happily married with no problems from the inlaws since. If anything, they’ve been supportive and very kind.
He might sound scary but hold your judgement until you meet him or at least ask your gf what he’s actually like. My FIL talks some shit about a lot of things but he’s basically soft when you know him.
As someone who also had to handle that kind of BS racism in my own country, please don’t care. Do you want someone like him to like you, do you need his approval? Be polite, be yourself, and if it’s not enough, move on. Tell your girlfriend you love her and that SHE is important. If she asks you to hide yourself just to please a man who treats you like a second-class human being… well, Your call but I would leave.
Best of luck.
I’m glad I don’t have any such issues with my in-laws…
As long as you’re not an English teacher, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Stand your ground.
Just think of it as “he doesn’t like you BECAUSE he hasn’t met you yet”. The fact that you care about “not being liked” is enough to make me think you’re serious about his daughter.
14 comments
Hope you speak Japanese!
Just want to say good luck and stay strong man.
Bring him the traditional gift of a big old bottle of whiskey and get shitfaced with him. All will be fine.
Although are you an eigo sensei? Because let’s be honest, if you are his next question is going to be how do you plan on supporting my daughter and your future offspring on an eigo sensei’s salary which is going to be a hard sell…
Stand your ground and show how much you care for his daughter. The best way to get him to trust you is just time and patience really. It’s hard for someone especially someone with conservative values to accept what they are against.
Ofc he doesn’t like you, you’re banging his daughter and he has no idea who tf you are. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but it’s incredibly normal and understandable.
I wouldn’t take it as more serious than it is
Not that I am defending the father, but this is far from the worst I’ve heard (Japanese) parents say about their kids foreign partner. Just be polite and don’t hide yourself and maybe he will come around. And if he doesn’t you can still figure it out from there.
The positive is that they’re asking to at least meet. Probably a lot will be on your gf to calm her father down before meeting, and all you can do is be polite and answer any questions the best you can. Take a small gift of food or something when you go meet and do your best to keep any emotions in check, even if they’re a bit rude, because any outbursts or bad expressions will only “prove their point” in later family discussions. Good luck!
This worry tends to disappear in practice if you show up and are an “upstanding citizen”. Of course there’s an unfair bias to overcome, and it’s not fair, but not insurmountable. Just… yeah, maybe a shitty Japanese guy would have it easier than a mediocre you.
You are mostly dealing with preconceived notions here.
I was in a similar situation with very traditional parents who were outright against international marriage. I arrived in a suit on my first meeting, sat in their home’s tatami room for a “meeting”, brought gifts (alcohol, famous omiyage snacks, etc.) Practiced what I was going to say to get all the “formalities” correct. Once they saw I spoke Japanese and wasn’t some boogeyman, things completely changed. Happily married with no problems from the inlaws since. If anything, they’ve been supportive and very kind.
He might sound scary but hold your judgement until you meet him or at least ask your gf what he’s actually like. My FIL talks some shit about a lot of things but he’s basically soft when you know him.
As someone who also had to handle that kind of BS racism in my own country, please don’t care. Do you want someone like him to like you, do you need his approval? Be polite, be yourself, and if it’s not enough, move on. Tell your girlfriend you love her and that SHE is important. If she asks you to hide yourself just to please a man who treats you like a second-class human being… well, Your call but I would leave.
Best of luck.
I’m glad I don’t have any such issues with my in-laws…
As long as you’re not an English teacher, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Stand your ground.
Just think of it as “he doesn’t like you BECAUSE he hasn’t met you yet”. The fact that you care about “not being liked” is enough to make me think you’re serious about his daughter.