Sorry if this is ranty.
I went to a gay bar in Nagoya this week. It was a weekday so it was kind of intimate; only two other customers and two bartenders.
We’re all conversing when one of the customers in his 40s looks at his phone after receiving a message (from presumably a Middle Eastern person?) and says 「いやーアジア味系は怖いわ。メッセージやめて欲しい」
I’m a bit icked out but can see from the faces of the other people that they’re also kind of taken aback, so I feel emboldened to turn to him and ask 「具体的に何が怖いんですか？」
The whole room goes 「ほらー」and there’s a spotlight on him, so he immediately gets flustered and tries to make up something concrete: 「アジア系っていうか… だって中東の人ってさ、返信しなくてもしつこく来るじゃん？いつも。興味ないのに？」
I’ve been in this gay thing for a good 27 years now and I know that there are men of all nationalities and ethnicities who don’t know how to take a hint when someone isn’t interested. This isn’t even a phenomenon unique to gay dating? Considering this and the fact that he has a good 15 years on me, I was in disbelief that he still does not know this. Regardless, I point this out to him and the conversation is eventually glossed over after a minute-long exchange.
From this point on the atmosphere is very clearly against me for the rest of my time there. People’s body language suggests that they don’t really want to converse or interact with me anymore. People start being shady toward me, saying 「以外と若かったんだ」when I tell them my age, etc. Definitely not the comfiest vibes.
I was shocked because I obviously wasn’t the only one bothered by his comments, and still no one else spoke up or even slightly signaled that they were on my side. I wasn’t confrontational or picking a fight, yet was made to feel as if I was the one who said something inappropriate. Especially considering everyone there is a gay man who should be well-acquainted with prejudice, it was all around a disappointing experience.
When I went home the man in question was like 「今日はちゃんとしてる外国人と会えてよかった！」. Obviously a lot to unpack there but I was too annoyed to even say anything so I just rolled my eyes said good night and went home.
I know the reasons behind what happened (Japanese-style relationship management/face-saving/collectivism/harmony maintenance etc etc), but I just wanted to know if anyone else has have ever had a similar experience?
EDIT: I’d just like to clarify that I am NOT at all shocked that the “vibe was ruined.” I’m not here to express how bewildered I am that the atmosphere turned into what it did. I know how society is here and I knew that would probably happen the second I decided to open my mouth. Because of what’s written here, as well as other unrelated reasons, I had decided in my mind that I would never go to this bar again thus I had nothing to lose lol ! I’m just expressing disappointment that it turned out the way it did, whereas back home my comment likely would have been met with a little more open dialogue and we could have both left not feeling weird.
I also obviously would have bitten my teeth had it been a Friday night or Saturday night with dozens of people and it was a bit more lively. I saw a chance to not let someone get away with something and I took it! Oops!!
by t_enshi