It’s getting to me way too much and just feel sad. I have a JLPT N3 and my wife can speak conversational English. When I’m with her at a restaurant, people ignore me to speak to her and when she translates something I already understood in the first place, they say WOW you can speak English!? Whilst avoiding me because I’m a gaijin and basically refusing to speak Japanese with me.
Even today, I’ve taken her out for lunch, gone shopping for clothes etc and even if I’m the one paying, they will take the cash out of my hand whilst making eye contact with her only. It’s as if I’m a ghost and it really puts me down sometimes.
I’m sure many people can relate to this so my question is, how do you overcome? What’s your advise on getting through the days where you feel depressed and fed up of being a gaijin?
32 comments
Its not a you problem so please dont let it make you feel bad. Maybe try ordering for the both of you when youre out together? Tell your wife how this is making you feel and ask for her backup?
Better go alone the next time I guess.
Yes, happens. But I got used to staff that take my credit card, process it, let me enter the code, and then give it back to my wife, haha. Or in the home centre, when you need to push a button to call a staffer for certain things, suddenly no-one is around. Or staff that goes “no English, no English” even though I had asked my question in Japanese.
I cannot change it, so I got used to it. In the eyes of some, I will always be the little pet gaijin of my wife, so what.
My wife and I laugh about how fucking ignorant some people are, then continue on with our day.
Did you show the lady your N3 certification? That would have put her right in her place! In all seriousness stop complaining about the incredibly small and unimportant downsides to being foreign in Japan when much worse ones (renting, police stops, etc.) exist and focus on the massive bonuses. You are free from all the exhausting parts of being Japanese in Japan.
So annoying! I’m sorry that happens to you so often, I’d be frustrated as well.
That being said restaurant staff’s behavior is not something you can control. Either be assertive and confront the staff directly about it or don’t and let things continue. I generally choose the former if it’s something of any importance. Just my two cents but I have bigger things to worry about than a part-time university student telling me about the menu of the day.
Has your darling not noticed this phenomenon?
It’s always very satisfying seeing the traumatised expression of cosmic horror on their face when we approach the cash register as a group, but then my precious princess wanders off to inspect something or other, leaving me and The Boys to *take care* of the poor sod using whatever methods are necessary.
> https://imgur.com/a/LmbW46e
Has your darling not noticed this phenomenon?
It’s always very satisfying seeing the traumatised expression of cosmic horror of their face when we approach the cash register as a group, but then my precious princess wanders off to inspect something or other, leaving me and The Boys to *take care* of the poor sod using whatever methods are necessary.
> https://imgur.com/a/LmbW46e
this happens to me too , usually what my wife would do is , when they ignore me and talk to her she immediately stares back at them and points at me so the other person is forced to talk to me .
This is gonna sound stupid, but I always start with a long “eettoooo” before speaking my terrible, no good, broken Japanese. It tends to get their attention, and prepares the listener to expect Japanese. Think of it like discourse markers in English: “Well” or “Sooooo”. It gives the listener time to relax and get ready to listen (in this case, also lets them know it’s coming in Japanese), rather than stress that you’re gonna start speaking in English and confuse them. Many Japanese are easily overwhelmed by the prospect of dealing with English.
It sounds like you’re waiting for them to talk to you instead of talking to them first. Why should they just assume you can speak Japanese?
I wonder if OP has had the experience of paying for something in cash, and having the staff put the change in their wife’s hand lol
PayPay has pretty much ended that for me but was always hilarious when it happened
You could wear a shirt with big phrases written in Japanese
Tell your wife to pretend she doesn’t speak Japanese, yell at the staff in Chinese for greater effect.
In reality though, I’m a grumpy old dick and prefer people to leave me the hell alone anyways, so I don’t have any useful advice for dealing with this if it bothers you.
Is this really that prevalent? I’ve personally never had to deal with something this blatant. Generally people will ask something and look towards my girlfriend, then when I respond in japanese they continue talking to me after.
Have you tried just answering them in Japanese OP? Of course if they can they will try to speak the language they’re comfortable in rather than struggling in English, so they look to your wife, but if you respond and participate I feel like this will stop happening? Maybe I’m making assumptions, but it sounds like you’re just waiting for them to finish talking without you then getting upset that they didn’t talk to you.
This reminds me of a hilarious video on youtube featuring a cast of Japanese-fluent westerners who are also long-term residents trying to order lunch at a cafe. The Japanese waitress only pays attention to their friend from America who looks Japanese but doesn’t understand a word of Japanese. After a long rigamarole where each westerner tries to prove his or her fluency and cultural knowledge, the skit ends with each of them telling the American visitor what to order because the waitress just can’t understand a thing unless she hears it from the foreigner who looks Japanese.
The overwhelming majority of foreign looking people in Japan, don’t speak Japanese or know just enough phrases to get by but can’t hold an actual conversation. So people in the customer service field will often proceed to judge the situation on appearance first. Then they judge you on your accent. If you sound very foreign or have a weird tone/pitch/cadence to your Japanese, they will assume your skill is limited. They won’t know how “skilled” you really are or consider yourself to be. All they know is that they need to get your customer service over with as quickly as possible so they can help others. So they assume your Japanese must be limited and either grasp on to whatever Asian looking person you have with you or ignore your Japanese and force English. They usually assume their English is better than your Japanese.
This doesn’t magically stop or go away even if you have a N1, unless you also have Japanese mannerisms when you respond to someone/request something and your pitch/accent/cadence all reach a decent level so that they don’t automatically think you are parroting some phrases you memorized.
I think when you’re out and about, until you can hit this goal post don’t take it too seriously. Those customer service people are usually panicking out of ignorance and your contact will be limited so it’s best to not worry. If it’s a person you meet often that keeps reacting this way, then have a talk with them and explain yourself or keep pushing the conversation in Japanese. Eventually it does change, but not as quickly as some people hope.
Some people might be quick to pull the racism card or discrimination card, but you’ll notice as your Japanese gets closer to being fluent, you’ll start to do the same thing to Japanese people who try to speak English. You might start to accidentally cut them off and force the conversation into Japanese just to make the conversation move faster or communicate something more clearly.
It tends to just be a mix of a lot of things. Your feelings are perfectly valid. Just wanted to throw some info out to balance the thread a little. I know it can be frustrating. Everyone goes through this hurdle with new language but you eventually get past it.
lol.
Your not alone.
I’m half japanese, but I look like a typical gaijin.
My mom look like Japanese and when I go out with her the cashier will always ask something and look at my mom instead of me lol. Even if I’m the one paying and swiping my card xD
I don;’t think it’s something that can be changed. It’s the way japan is.
I just speak English to them. Usually call them by name. “Hello, Sato-san! How are you?” They can’t ignore me then.
WHy get upset about it? In 99% of cases, it’s likely mishmash of “good faith” with a dash of omotenashi.
So, why not have fun with it? Have your partner clearly explain to the staff “Yeah, it’s u/013016501310 ‘s turn today, he’s really trying to get this down, it may take a bit longer but can you accommodate us?”
It’s a great way for you to get real world practice and a great way to teach (most likely, functionally mono-lingual local) people in a positive manner about the struggle of learning a foreign language as an adult, etc
You’re N3? Try what I do, make some quick small talk right away so it is clear they can speak to you. Works 99% for me
It is what it is, this is a part of Japan that will be slow to change, don’t sweat the small stuff, and enjoy ur time in Japan.
The more people assume they can’t communicate with me, the fewer people I have to communicate with. Seems like a win to me
I just breath a sigh of relief that I don’t have to speak Japanese and embrace it.
Happens to me all the time. I usually ignore it, because there’s not much else you can do, but every now and then when I get really sick of it I say very sternly 私に話してください to let them know I think they’re being rude.
Why is your wife translating for you? That’s giving big signals to the staff that you don’t know Japanese so I don’t blame them in this case.
I’m an obvious white gaijin and my husband is a full (and hot) blooded Japanese. When we’re out and about together he is often treated the same as me… he is one of those Japanese with facial features who could look a bit Thai or maybe South-east Asian so a lot of Japanese people simply assume we are a gaijin couple and try to avoid conversation (or simply use English) until he blasts them in Shinkansen speed Japanese. It’s always fun to see the jaw drop and backtrack. But in all seriousness it’s OK we just laugh about it and get on with our day. Some Japanese people ignore gaijins for various reasons which you don’t need to take personally. And others don’t. Maybe for you it sounds like your partner isn’t very understanding about your feelings. Maybe you need to communicate that…
I might get downvoted for this but don’t be such a wuss. When you enter a store or are in a situation where a quick dialogue will happen, just be proactive and start the convo. Greet them or say “onegai shimasu” as a quick signal to them that you can understand the language. Then things will go much more smoothly.
I live in Naha (after moving from Kyoto) and have noticed a lot of locals will automatically speak to me in English or think I don’t know any Japanese. I often just ignore it and reply in Japanese, or I start talking to them in Japanese. More than often, it catches them off guard and they communicate to me in Japanese.
But saying that, I have experienced negativity towards me not Japanese, then assuming I don’t know Japanese and even my own Japanese language skills (I got mocked once for using Japanese and not English in Kyoto). I simply ignore it, they’re not worth my time and move on.
Just ignore and keep speaking to them while they stare at your spouse. And laugh at it once the transaction is done and talk about how weird/awkward it was 🙂
It used to bother me but, meh. Roll with it. Try not to get agitated. You’re not going to change Japan.
I don’t really care to be honnest.
It even amuses me how all many japanese behave the same with foreigners