I have been living in Japan for almost 4 years now, I have a good job, I have a house, two cars, and am married and contemplating having children. At face value it would seem as if I have a great life in Japan, which I do, but I often switch between bouts of wanting to live in Japan forever, and wanting to leave immediately.
Recently at my local gym, another customer called the gym manager, and he told me that someone reported that a, “scary looking foreigner who possibly has tattoos (I always wear arm sleeves to cover them) is working out at the gym”
The manager told me I need to “smile more” and try to “not look scary” I am 190 cm 110kg with a shaved head and tattoos. I also do amateur bodybuilding.
Everytime I leave my house everyone stares at me relentlessly no matter what. When I go shopping with my wife, people will glance, then look again at me, then tap the shoulder of their partner, whisper something, then their partner will turn around and stare at me too. Sometimes I can just ignore it, but other times it borderline causes me to have a mental breakdown.
I feel that if I get “nihongo jouzu’d” for saying, “tabako 228ban” or “doumo” one more time that I might scream. I really only speak Japanese all day every day, so it gets frustrating.
I also get annoyed when people say, “nihongo daijoubu desu ka?” And I say, “eigo dekimasuka?” Then they respond, “zenzen dekinai” in which I have to respond, “nihongo de ii yo”
Like why even ask if Japanese is ok if you can only speak Japanese anyway?
I also have a hard time dealing with how technologically deficient Japan is. EVERYTHING is a hassle. Everything requires tons of paperwork, navigating terribly made websites, using hankos, etc.
I do love some things about Japan, the housing market is great and compared to my home country we got a house that’s twice the size at half the price.
The Japanese credit system and shakai hoken systems are pretty decent in comparison to the benefits in my home country. Also due to the low birth rate, my area offers free childrens healthcare, and free local daycare/preschool.
And of course the two big things, it’s very safe here, and the food is amazing.
We think about moving often, but my wife tends to flake out because she wants to stay near her family (fair enough). However, I don’t have any family in my country so I have no restrictions. I do want to do what’s in my wife’s best interests though.
How do you all deal with these issues? Do you share these feelings ?
14 comments
Please check out the medical resources on the [wiki!](https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/wiki/medical)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/japanlife) if you have any questions or concerns.*
To be honest, I really don’t feel as out of place as you do. I’m also only half white, and 175 cm/65 kg, so I probably don’t stand out as much.
Also, where do you live in Japan? I used to get the “nihongo jouzu desu ne” when I lived in rural Osaka, but I’ve never heard that once in the 7 years I’ve been in Tokyo. It also helps with covid, I wear a mask all the time, but 99% of the people I meet don’t even seem to notice I’m foreign tbh
I finally got over it by not comparing Japan to my home country or comparing Japanese to English. I just accept that Japan is Japan and go with the flow. It took me five years before I finally settled into my life here in Japan. I’ve been here a lot longer than you have and I still get the 日本語が上手ですね compliment. It’s just the way people are. When I visit my family in the US my Japanese husband gets the same thing. People compliment him on his English and ask him stupid questions like, “Can you use a fork?”
The first time we went to the US together so I could introduce him to my parents there was a plumber in their kitchen working on a jammed garbage disposal. When he walked out of the kitchen and saw my husband he said, “He looks like an Asian, where’s he from?” I said he was from Japan, to which he replied, “Is he inscrutable?” My husband was standing right there in front of him the whole time. It was embarrassing.
>I am 190 cm 110kg with a shaved head and tattoos
Dwayne Johnson is that you
You’re hitting the wall of what we like to describe as the honeymoon phase. You’re now becoming way to self conscious of your difference and the different treatment you get (mostly positive) for being different.
My only advice is if you met your wife here and she is reluctant to move back home you better be certain you’re actually committed to living here full time because she won’t be living there long term. Especially if you have kids. It’s not fair to her or your future offspring.
But then again I’ve stood out no matter where I’ve lived. My physical beauty and prowess make me the object of awe and adulation wherever I go. Japan is no different.
Bask in the glory of your big bald bearded tattooed beauty.
I’m going through the shift right now and it’s pain in the ass for paperwork and websites. I am half Japanese but do not look like a typical Japanese guy.. grew up in the states. Im bigger (not in fatness) but people at the pub I go to say that my arms are big like in America. My wife is also black so we get stared all the time.
I left US and there are more good things in Japan once you are settled in my opinion. But yes I am getting annoyed with the constant staring for my wife and I feel bad for her
The next step is the couples staring at your mixed kids ‘かわいいー’
It’s a small price for a comfortable life. We used to live in Australia and even though it was mostly OK, my Japanese wife would sometimes get a racist remark from random white people, or people trying nihao her. When covid hit it was the worst.
Can’t speak to the “scary looking foreigner” because I live in a small town and everyone has known me for 10+ years. But can reply to most other things.
Shopping and you ask for something or have something custom ordered in Japanese. The “Wow, you speak Japanese so well” reaction is something to **just take it at face value**. Because most likely, they are doing the same to you. I doubt they go home and say “Wow! This foreigner came in an asked for a pack of smokes in Japanese!” Just say “Thank you” and go about your day.
With the “Can you speak Japanese?” question… it is **legitimate**! (sometimes) When I was first getting started in Japan, one city staff member asked me in JP, I said yes but I’m not confident. So I asked back “Can you speak English?”, she said “No, but we do have an English speaking staff member. Wait one moment!” Once the English speaking member had finished with another customer, she came over with a smile on her face and got to helping me (she worked in the U.K. before).
To be fair…youse a big boi….
Not only that, I’m Asian but I tend to look at foreigners like “oh hey we are both foreigners” but I guess I just come off as Japnese
You are a unit by Western standard, imagine how they see you 🙂 Gojira’s in town.
You cannot make yourself less conspicuous so may the solution is to go the other way and as other commented go all in “The Rock” and smile to the little people.
I think we all get something that grates us. I bet its even more infuriating when you really speak Japanese at least I don’t understand if they make fun of me.
The IT thing is so true… and Web design… WTH is that.
Find out who reported you at the gym and smile at them for the entire time they are working out, never breaking eye contact.
I’m also a bodybuilder. You compete in FWJ / NPC? Add me on instagram if you want “isaac in osaka”. I’m 26 days out from a show now.
There’s another female FWJ / NPC competitor on this subreddit as well who just won 2 divisions in her show yesterday.
About the difficulties of living in Japan…. Not as difficult as Kentucky lol.As an American I notice people from nice places often only stay for a short while here, and people from shitty places make lives here. I met another guy from rural kentucky a while back who’s lived here over 20 years. I think Japan being a step-up or step-down from what you’re used to is a HUGE factor.
Meth, heroine, poverty, low wages, violence, shitty police, shitty laws, shitty house market, shitty healthcare system, no public transport, no entertainment, no good public spaces, no activities for kids, poor education, low-class rude people, hoards of people with no hope/ambition, horrible politics, race/class issues, etc.
I remember vividly learning that people in New York made more working part time at McDonalds than I made working brutal physical labor, 76 hours a week, with molten metal, and forging, in the 2nd most dangerous OSHA inspected factory in that multi-state area. I felt like I was worth less than people from other areas, and I honestly wanted to cry. I was absolutely busting my ass to save money while my wife was pregnant, and I’m not even making other state’s minimum wage, with twice the work hours.
No thanks, I’ll take “日本語上手” any day of the week over “My ‘Olde Kentucky Hellhole” .
Have you trained/studied pitch accent? I have got almost zero nihongo jouzus since I started taking pitch accent seriously. Just my 2c to what’s a big problem when living in this country
Isn’t children’s healthcare free in the entire country? It seems to be how the system is run. Pregnancy is something different, and based on the local system, but children get free healthcare.
It is annoying at times. For me the thing that is driving me up the wall right now is the lack of international food offerings in my area. Not even restaurants, just being able to buy things in the grocery store. I want cheese enchiladas with rice and beans so damn bad I’m practically clawing the walls for them, and candy corn as well. But I’m also very pregnant so there are food cravings coming into play there that I haven’t been able to feed my entire pregnancy. Still miss decent tamales though, that will never stop.
I’m lucky that, though I am a very tall woman, people just tend to dismiss me and not be scared of me. The local community has just shrugged and even the local grocery store has started putting their little paper signs in the store up higher so I don’t bump into them. I was in there when there was a new checker that just froze when I was in line until another checker just shouted back at her to get back to work, and that I spoke Japanese well enough.
But I live in a fairly rural area where everyone knows everyone and everyone’s family. They all know me, I teach at the local kindergarten so I inevitably teach a friend or relative’s kid, and they all know the family I married into.
It’s just the international food, and just food from back home in general, that I really miss. And I wish there was a better frozen food selection. Being very pregnant in this weather sucks. I’m tired and just want to put a frozen lasagna in the oven and fucking think about it. But I can’t because there aren’t frozen family sized dinners to cook for sale. Or even just regular frozen dinners. Really wish there was the convenience of those in this hellish weather.