Hey guys, so I (23M Caucasian) just need some help and perspective on something. So I’m kinda the type of person that likes to be myself and learn how to show my true personality to the world. So it really bothers me because with my Japanese friends that are girls, I feel like they are almost constantly “acting” like an actor on stage. They speak with such a high pitch voice that it sounds unnatural. They call everything cute. It’s like they’re always trying so hard to act cute and innocent.
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t every Japanese girl but I feel like it is the majority, and it makes me cringe. I don’t really encounter this with my Japanese guy friends, it’s just the girls.
I guess it just makes me feel uncomfortable when I feel that someone is trying to be something other than themselves. And the whole overly cute thing makes me feel like it wouldn’t be appropriate to bring up anything serious around them, because they only wanna present themselves like a cute, naive little kid. And it bothers me even more when they sync up in harmony and all act cute together about the same thing.
Am I missing something here?
I want to enjoy my friendships with Japanese girls and even would like to date a Japanese girl one day, but am finding it difficult to get passed these thoughts and feelings I’m having stated above.
I know this post may come off as a bit passive aggressive but I’m actually looking for advice here because it’s affecting my desire to potentially wanna move to Japan one day, and is affecting the way I see my friendships. Any advice would be helpful, thanks
Edit: Something I would also like to add is that it seems like there is very little consistency in their life plans and the personality they portray. It’s like most of my Japanese friends that are girls have serious career plans such as working in the hospitality industry, or making their own business. But then they act as though they are a cute little kid, which totally contrasts with the fact that they are dealing with adult responsibilities. It seems a bit fake to me
18 comments
Different country different manners. This applies to every country, but not to every person.
If you don’t like their “acting” tell them or find a different friends. Simple as that.
Can I ask how old these people are? I guess a lot of women of all ages call things cute, and I doubt that is what is really bothering you. But people who behave as if they are acting? It is nowhere near a majority of adult women. In fact I would say it is a pretty small minority. Either you are having bad luck, choosing the wrong people to be friends with, or possibly even just imagining it.
I’m afraid I have to echo the sentiments of the other poster here. If the way people act in a particular country is affecting your desire to move to that country then… move to a different country or just stay home I guess. But also personally I lived in Japan for a little over 2 years and have spent over a year there as a tourist too, and this problem you are having is very low down on my list of reasons why I wouldn’t want to move back there. Like if I had time I would be able to list literally hundreds of better reasons not to move back there than the way a particular type of girl behaves. So I guess I can’t relate.
Japanese culture is extremely homogenous. It’s a double-edged sword. You’ll notice in the decision-making process with businesses and social groups is not often individually determined, but involves a lot of looking around the room to see how everyone else feels about something. There’s a heavy expectation to be agreeable, a tendency for them to say yes when they want to say no, to not ask for things of others for their own self-interest (or even genuine need).
The result is a *lot* of what you would call acting. It’s not terribly different from the stiff English expectation of always being “proper” that has been fading in recent decades, somewhat. The primary difference is that it’s not just properness that the Japanese have in the rigid cultural environment that homogeneity has created. There are a lot of other things that get normalized and baked into the cake and the results are pretty fucking bizarre sometimes.
One thing I’ve noticed is that romantic relationships and what we think of as genuine trusting friendships have a very difficult time breaking the shell of those cultural norms. I had a Japanese friend in the states who had been away from Japan for a very long time and it became an insurmountable challenge because we never could establish a true trust. It really destroyed a lot of things for me, actually.
To be fair, I’ve also had the total opposite experience with Japanese friends who I consider very close. These are people who are very individualistic and considered atypical in Japan. I’m not trying to give a bad impression, just giving you an explanation of what some of my experience has been in case it’s helpful.
It’s just the widely accepted communication protocol. You also act all the time – you don’t go around saying every thought in your mind, and you also strive for a high standard of behaviour.
The protocols are different, but the human nature is the same. The explanation lies inside your heart.
You notice this because its not your culture. Honestly, American girls are constantly trying to be “girl boss” or sexy or something. Japanese guys can notice that. so honestly everyone acts to fit into cultural roles.
According to the vast majority of psychological literature (and, before Psychology was a thing, according to most philosophy and art), there is a difference between who we are and who we show to the world (for the purposes of this comment, our “persona”)
. This (again, as per pretty much every expert) is true for everyone…especially for those who think they’re not that way. In fact, in such people the differences are especially pronounced, since people who become aware of it do a better job keeping it under control.
One of the main reasons why we put on a persona is to fit into our culture. I assume you guessed where this is going: if someone is from a different culture, it becomes very easy to spot the “persona”. It’s much harder when it’s someone from your culture, since, unless you are mindful of this phenomena, you are liable to just assume that their persona is “normal” (whatever that means…obviously, not much).
So, these Japanese girls most likely think exactly the same way you do: they are entirely unaware that they have a persona, and think they’re simply acting as themselves. They’re probably also quick to spot a western person’s “acting”.
P.S. Just to avoid any misunderstanding, I’m not suggesting that having this persona is a bad thing. Actually, I think it’s a good thing, to some extent…as long as you pay attention to it, and try to have a bit of control over it.
it all comes from a countries MEDIA
Americans have mannerisms from movies and so do they
Your post sounds like you fetishize Japanese culture and are not happy that is isn’t exactly as you want it to be.
If the way actual Japanese people behave is making you not want to live in Japan, don’t move to Japan.
Americans “act” too. Everyone wears a different mask to suit the situation they’re in. Like Americans (and everyone else), Japanese people are just people.
100% just a cultural difference. In asia being cutsey and acting cutsey is the cultural norm, especially in female-male relationships. How you observe the acts can seem very uncomfortable for you bc in the west you’re told to grow up and have a more ‘adult-like’ attitude. In Asia it’s kind of just normal for grownups to act cute for jokes and it’s especially important for bonding in relationships. There are definitely others in Asia who are in the same boat as you so I think you’re fine to continue thinking this way, just try to understand that it’s not really as serious as you may think it is. Maybe you can do some research to better understand this part of asian culture? There’s a term in Korean called aegyo which come’s with it’s own history and meaning and understanding why it exists would better help you understand that cute culture in Japan.
I think you have a self limiting perception of the culture if it makes you as uncomfortable as you say. I also would argue that it often isn’t fake or acting, because when you grow up with a culture that’s okay with liking and being cute, it’s likely that it can become a genuine part of your personality. Western culture is like this too, there are many roles that we see as “unique” and “individual” but know that nothing and no one is truly unique and individual. All of us have recycled personalities, so your point of equating Western culture to individualism doesn’t really hold. Not to mention that people and their personalities are like, always multi-faceted. It is possible to like cute things, such as anime and hello kitty, while running your own business. If you’re serious about Japan, I think you should try to be more open minded and leave the fetishism behind. “Acting” cute can be genuinely innocent and a way to bond with others. It’s not always sexual or wrong.
Yea I have noticed that too , i guess it’s just different types of cultural upbringing that contrast each other. I prefer the ‘western’ style more so than the peculiar north asian style you are talking about but tbh if we really see then the ‘majority’ of both sides population are fake to various extents , extents that vary from mildly uncomfortable to absolute red flag. It’s just that the kind of fakeness they use and you have encountered is easy to spot since it’s culturally considered cute. People in general are just fake and it’s hard to find some whose fakeness is just on an understandable level instead of the former range I mentioned but I guess it’s pretty cool when you discover the needle in hay. Keep searching is all I can say.
All the behaviors are real, not an act, just expressed in the appropriate situation for them. They are just as real as cultural manifestations in other countries which seem natural to us because we grew up in those paradigms.
Cultures are weird everywhere.
We don’t notice our own culture’s strangeness until we have enough experience with other cultures that the oddities become apparent.
How do you know these girls? Im japanese and i have japanese girl friends (from US and Japan) and none of them are like this. Are you sure it isn’t you “acting” like a “23M Caucasian” thats triggering them to act like that? Lol .. And no, i dont know what a 23M Caucasian stereotypically acts like 😄
Maybe they don’t exist for you? Maybe they’re just living their life?
Maybe it’s because you’re a foreigner. It is widely known that making real friends in Japan is extremely difficult for foreigners. No matter how well you speak Japanese, they will mostly still view you as an “other.” So it’s not surprising that they tend to portray a fake/shallow approach when dealing with foreigners and these friendships would rarely go beyond acquaintance level. It’s still possible to break through that wall, there are some foreigner guys who were able to make real Japanese friends and even marry a Japanese girl in Japan. But it definitely requires more effort on the guy’s part.
You are not as mature as you present yourself to be. I’m going to give you the benefit of doubt as you’re only 23…You say you like to be yourself but you’re not okay with how others express themselves. No one wants to be friends with someone who judges them. That’s how you’re coming off as. You contradict yourself when you say you want to date a Japanese girl but you think your female Japanese friends can be annoying and this is affecting your potential future plans. So your reasons for moving to Japan and dating a Japanese girl are not as serious as you say. You should work on yourself to be a better friend and a potential partner. There are plenty of sources out there to help you. Maybe even do some volunteer work so you’re not focusing so much on yourself.
Ever since we are born, Japanese people grow up in this culture of placing value in cuteness than sexiness. Maybe in the hope that the young people would stay cute and innocent for as long as possible. I’m guessing the reality these days are not like that, but most adults keep hoping to keep the culture wholesome.
As it’s working for them, I see it as a good thing. I live in the US now and try to remember that even if I see something I may not care too much for. It’s a great chance to understand different culture and to know my original country is not the only one with unique culture in the world, and it makes us richer by knowing others as well.