JJapanese

My first Japanese haiku – what do you think?

I have recently gotten into haiku and I am trying to write it in Japanese. I have a few books with some of the classics and I am trying to learn from them. My biggest worry is my poetic style and use of grammar (like the”や” 切れ字) that is correct and very easy to understand, so any advice on that would be awesome thanks! Here are a few of my attempts:

昼下がり

蝉が通りを

埋め尽くす

​

足音や

お喋り虫が

無言なる

​

鉢植えや

テレビの隣

隠して

​

灯籠の

下や魚が

隠せない

​

I am lacking some advice so anything would be awesome, thanks!

2 comments

  2. The limited range of particles leaves one to wonder if you’re simply not aware of the others.

    The first one says the *street* is literally *buried* under a solid covering of cicadas. I think you might want 街 here.

    The second one, you can’t just drop the に like that. Try 黙り込む instead.

    The third one, you’re running this や stuff into the ground. You also have a problem here that appears in the fourth one as well…which is that you’re not paying attention to the distinction between the transitive verb 隠す and the intransitive verb 隠れる and it *greatly* changes the meaning from what you meant to say.

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