Making friends as a non-white foreigner

11 comments

1. > I don’t exactly want to give up on the country yet

   What’s there to give up on? You don’t have to dedicate yourself to Japan for the sake of Japan. Do what you want; move where you want; live how you want.

   Honestly, all foreigners face these troubles, and depending on their background they face slight differences. And, some people prefer this type of discrimination compared to what they face at home.

   Either you put up with it, find ways to deal with it, and do as you must. Or, move on to something better.

   On the friends side:

   First, understand that the older you get, the fewer friends you will have. That’s just common no matter what. People are busy with jobs, family, partners and kids, etc.. Then add on that it can be harder to make work-place friends in Japan in general, add on that you’re a foreigner.

   Then there’s the language and culture barriers. As friendly as communicative you think you are, it’s probably less so in other people’s eyes. If you’re not fluent and there’s no serious reason to hold on to you as a friend, people feel intimidated talking to you because of strangled communication and lacking of social cues.

   And when all the stars align and things work out… you might have a few friends you regularly meet.

2. >When I try and join groups with native Japanese people I get a lot of strange looks and if I am at a restaurant kids point to me and ask “Why are you burnt”

   Depending where you live (guess it’s not a big city) it’s inevitable and kind of normal, as people of color are rare in Japan and do stand out of the crowd.

   The kids aren’t necessarily racist (depending on their age they might not even know what racism is, since a Japanese person in Japan hardly ever experiences this) or intentionally rude and you could parry that with some kind of joke, like “Been exposed to the Sun too much” or actually tell them a short story about how big the world is and how there are other races and skin colors out there, depending on your mood, of cause. May be even mention the Oda Nobunaga’s kashin, Yasuke, heh.

   Long story short, this is most often plain curiousity, than straight toxicity.

   ​

   >the social scene is so hard for foreigners to adapt to

   As u/Keroseneslickback already mentioned, every foreigner is subject to culture shock (of varying level) and a long adaptation period when entering the country with largely homogenous society and a social culture that is pretty different from his native (“western” in general).

   I guess you’ve got hobbies, right? So, you might try looking for a community into the same hobby as you (be it CCG\board games, jogging\cycling or whatever) or joining a volunteer group of some sort and eventually making some friends. Don’t try too hard, however.

   However, bear in mind that the Japanese understanding of “friendship” is totally different compared to the “west”. I.e. they are quite easy to call somebody “my friend”, but it doesn’t really mean there’s actual friendship between them and that “somebody”.

   I had a colleague of mine who kept chit-chating with a local shop owner on a daily basis (since the shop was next to our office) and saying – “He’s my good friend”. However, one day he confessed that he doesn’t even know that guy’s name (neither the shop owner knew the name of my colleague).

3. Why are you in Japan? If you’re there working, I’d lean heavily on colleagues and coworkers. Find people at work who are similar to you in some way and get to know them, and let them know that you’d be keen to go for drinks or otherwise hangout sometime. If they’re interested, make plans and invite them. Much like anywhere else in the world, social networks in Japan often comprise largely of colleagues and coworkers.

   If you’re in a big city, go to meet-ups. Meetup.com has events posted all the time, a lot of them being general “make new friends” stuff.

   Go online. Lots of towns and cities in Japan have expat networks on Facebook.

   Once you have even a small number of people who you have made acquaintances with, make plans to hang out with them.

4. Wrong sub if you’re already here. Try r/japanlife

5. It’s hard to believe that this is a genuine post, because I always see these types of posts from newly-created accounts here that complain about how they don’t fit well in Japanese society but always include words like “although Japan has some great aspects the social scene is so hard for foreigners to adapt to,” somehow including other foreigners in the same boat as them. There is also no context of where they live, just a general condition as if life was the same anywhere in Japan.

   I really feel like these are just troll posts of people wanting to move to Japan but want some sort of assurance that their insecurities in their home countries won’t transfer to a possible life in Japan, or to get proof that the stereotypes they read online aren’t real *(I have had some foreigner friends but they would always try and prove that they are more “Japanese” than me and how I am not as good as embracing the culture as them)*. It’s too shallow, worries not even worthy of a young adult fiction story.

   > When I try and join groups with native Japanese people I get a lot of strange looks

   Do you talk to them? Or just wordlessly infiltrate the group like a swan entering a team of ducks? Because if you did you will understandably get strange looks. But if you did talk to anyone it’s hard to believe you will get ignored.

   > “Why are you burnt”

   Is the original Japanese redacted to persuade an English speaker? Or because you don’t speak Japanese and just thought this up? It’s very hard to think of a way for kids to ask you why you are burnt as in cremated in a funeral pyre, compared to asking why you are tan. One is more shocking to an adult English speaker, but in Japanese that one won’t make sense to ask a darker-skinned person.

6. I’m also a non-white (brown southeast asian) foreigner.

   Firstly, where are you based? I’m in Tokyo and I think it makes meeting people much easier. I’ve never encountered those attitudes from Japanese people here either, they’re used to having foreigners around.

   >I have had some foreigner friends but they would always try and provethat they are more “Japanese” than me and how I am not as good asembracing the culture as them.

   Where are you meeting these people? Most of my social circle is foreign but I’ve never experienced people doing this.

   My friends are mainly from

   * coworkers, lots of foreigners in my company
   * communities of people from my home country, we meet to celebrate our cultural events and make/eat our home country’s food
   * hobby groups which are predominantly english-speaking

   Are these avenues which you’ve tried?

7. One of the only bad things about Japan is other foreigners.

   Japanese external media has broken the brains of a *lot* of people who move to Japan.

   You generally have two groups of these brainbrokes –

   1. “The foreigner who is actually Japanese and you just don’t know it.” Commonly seen walking around with his Japanese support group, speaking some *real native* Japanese, living in his bubble world where he’s the main character of his own J-drama. Probably majored in Japanese but thinks himself above all the “tourist” foreigners. Thinks his 5.5 incher is god’s gift to east Asia.
   2. The weeaboo who made it across the pond. Generally overweight, with a ponytail, newsboy cap, grandpa glasses and poorly grown chin stubble while he breathes through his mouth exclusively. He’s either teaching kindergarten for 200,000 a month or attending one of those mangaka grift schools for 3 months to “use the Japanese he learned” (from schoolgirl futa animes).

   Now, that’s not to say there aren’t normal people out there. That said, since Japan is a place where a lot of people settle down, there doesn’t seem to be a really good “foreigner scene” of younger people who are just there for a few years who want to have fun. The bulk of the rest of the non-brainbrokes are generally 40-something bald British men with two half-Japanese kids who work 14 hours a day as a junior vice president for a foreign company or something.

   My advice: Don’t bother looking. If you meet some cool people, great. If not, whatever. Keep your friend group from your home country via facebook, texts, discord servers, snapchat, whatever. They know you better and they’re literally a phone’s length away, and if they’re *real* friends, they’ll support you if you feel lonely or bored.

8. Skin Whitening Cream

9. I’ve heard of some foreigners making supposedly good friends but mainly they share a love of alcohol.

   I’ve socialized with a few people who treat me decently but with restraint. Everyone loves their junior high friends and they stay loyal to them.

10. Why would being non-white be a problem in a country that is majority non-white?

11. Start with who’s close to you. After graduation I came to Japan as an Eikaiwa teacher, the job and the pay was shit but I met a lot of other cool foreign teachers who I’m still friends with today. Half were white, half weren’t. The ones who are just the right balance of weaboo and grounded jaded gaijin were the most fun. There were a lot of female Japanese staff at the company who were mostly fresh out of college and looking to make friends and hang out so we’d all eat and drink and go to karaoke and festivals n stuff. Friends would introduce friends and so on. A surprising number of us ended up getting married and either stayed or brought their spouse back to their countries. Foreigners can definitely form and grow genuine relationships in Japan with both Japanese people and fellow foreigners.