Recently at a lunch with Japanese female colleagues, they asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said not yet. They acted very surprised and said, “But you’re kawaii, it’s impossible.” I answered that I just go with flow.
But I’m wondering the real meaning behind that comment. Maybe I’m overly sensitive but it actually made me a little bit uncomfortable.😅
Edit:
Thank you all for the insights. Figured out that’s just a neutral comment and doesn’t mean something negative. Christmas cake and Toshikoshi soba opinion are also interesting!
You guys made my Friday afternoon:) Enjoy your weekend and holidays!
23 comments
Wow you’re overthinking it.Pretty girls usually have boyfriends -> it’s surprising you don’t have a boyfriend because you’re pretty
edit: If people say that to you it’s meant as a compliment, not some backhanded insult
This is the country with the term *Christmas Cake*:
*Once December 25 rolls around, Japanese Christmas cakes become heavily discounted—a fact that started the awful Japanese slang term, “Christmas cake.” It scornfully refers to unmarried women past their 25th birthday. Basically, once you’re over 25, you’ve reached your “best before” date.*
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The cynic in me would say they are jealous that you’re good-looking and thus are fishing for juicy gossip to use against you in future.
You should take a page out of Japanese people’s books and tell your colleagues *nothing whatsoever* about your private life that you wouldn’t want getting out.
There are plenty of people who spend years at a given company, whom everyone thinks is single, and then suddenly you hear “oh Tanaka san got married”, “eh, I thought she was single?”, “Nah, apparently she’d been dating some for like 2,500 years, long before even she came out of the womb”, “eh shiranakatta——-“
I said exactly the same thing to a Japanese friend of mine and she took it as a compliment (I’m a gaijin). Strangely enough, her response was also very similar to yours and just for the record she is way past the stale “xmas cake” age that someone else has mentioned in this thread. That’s a new one for me.
They’re trying to compliment you.
literally who cares about what Japanese people think about you, most of the time is unfounded nonsense anyway
Depends, how old are you ?
Dating and getting married, in a lot of ways, is still seen as a social responsibility/obligation here. Konkatsu is a thing here – where people are actively looking for marriage partners. Not dating partners, and who said anything about love and romance – just marriage partners.
And to further stir that pot, a few years ago I glimpsed a variety TV show that was titled something like – these women are happy despite being single in their 40s.
So, just being honest, the older you get, the more you might get some weird looks and behind the back talk about it.
But I did date a lot of single women in their 30s and 40s over the years who were mostly fine. They held jobs and pursued their own interests. If people talked shit about them, they didn’t seem to care all that much.
To be honest I’m not entirely sure this is a Japanese thing though, as it seems like there’s a fair bit of innate prejudice against being single in Western cultures as well.
They will say stuff that might make you side eye them (“You would make a great wife!”), but I don’t think they mean any harm by it.
It’s just that they’re so used to idea that a woman’s ultimate goal in life should be getting married and having kids.
Just take the kawaii compliment and ignore the other stuff!
“I said not yet”
Not yet means that you’ve been trying but failed. So their comments make sense actually.
It does
But I think they tried to compliment you.
I think that’s just the stock response for that situation, I’ve heard it used between women lots of times. It’s polite to act surprised and say, “oh but you’re so cute!” regardless of whether they actually think that or not (not a personal attack on you OP!!!!!).
It’s meant to be a nice comment and something to keep the conversation going, instead of fizzling out when you say you’re single
I don’t think it’s malicious or a Christmas cake thing in this case 🙂 lots of women these days are getting married and having kids older, or not doing it at all. Some people do think stupid things about older single women, but I don’t think your colleague was insinuating that you being single is bad or a problem in this instance!
First- They always ask my gf at her workplace the same exact question. Most probably they just want to chit chat and gossip about you. Even if you did end up getting a partner or not don’t discolse it to your ‘friendly’ looking coworker if you don’t mind the whole place to know about you.
I’m on the verge of being paranoid as this had happened twice at my partners workplace.
Even people at my part time used to enquire exact thing.
Second – one of my female friends also had that and she started to get stressed about why she is still ‘single ‘ and not married. In the end regardless of what you do they are always gonna ask you that no matter what.
PS: and eventually they will also make you choose between S or M. Dunno why thats even a thing.
>they asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said not yet.
The correct reply is “many”. They shut up after that.
If this happened like 20 years ago, maybe, these days thankfully it’s shifting a bit
An optimistic view: Your coworkers genuinely think you are cute.
A cynical view: Your coworkers are trying to test you and flush out your potential flaws.
A neutral view: Your coworkers are merely following the social conventions of small talk. It’s like talking about hobbies, which usually can lead to conversations about private life.
My two cents if you are feeling uncomfortable you should trust your gut instinct. But in any case, all scenarios are part of life and no one can really turn your life upside down, whether they give you a lot of power by complimenting, or has some incentive to make your life difficult.
In my experience I have been asked relationship status at interviews – this one truly sucks big time but unfortunately quite common.
If you care too much about what Japanese people mean by what they say, you’re going to go crazy. Sometimes it just means they’re surprised you’re single because you’re cute. Sometimes it means they’re surprised you’re however many years old because in this country, you become basically an old maid at 30.
It doesn’t matter which it means. Don’t snark about it, just do a そうですか or まあ and move on.
Out of curiosity, what country are you from originally? I think this kinda comment is very common in a lot of countries, even in the west:
“Do you have a man in your life?”
“No, I’m single right now”
“Girl? Someone as pretty as you? That’s not right”
Same vibe in my opinion! xD
I don’t think so. I have about 20 female coworkers between 30-65. Legitimately, every one of them is single. I’ve never heard anyone mention anything about that being bad. I hear some of them say they want kids, but that’s about as far as it goes 🤷
I think the more interesting aspect of this is that many Japanese adults refuse to accept the premise that marriage = success. Late stage capitalism breakdown right there.
Honestly, the dating scene is really hard imo. It feels that the coronavirus just turned everyone into workaholics here in Tokyo. My friend hasn’t even gone on a date in 2 years because of risking catching COVID-19, and I already once got politely turned down because my fling said her job was taking to much of her time and she didn’t have time for a real relationship.
Yea it is but the time frame is more relaxed than China or Korea.