At work I get paid double of what our rent is at home. My wife works part time and tries to help with rent but ends up not having much money for herself because her salary is basically half of what I earn.
She wants me to start paying for all of our rent and living costs so that she can spend more of the money she’s earned on her hobbies etc over the weekend.
Our situation is that if she worked full time hours, the extra money she earns will just be taken up by hoken as right now she’s under my health insurance which works out cheaper for us. If she earns more money we have to pay our hoken separately so in a way it would be counter productive to get her to work full time.
I feel guilty for having more money after we split the rent but the reason is because my job is really stressful and the salary I earn just makes up for how hard the job is but I don’t want her to feel she hasn’t got enough cash at the end of the month and she’s stuck not able to earn more if she wants to.
How many of you are full on Breadwinners for similar reasons?
We don’t have any kids.
35 comments
What if you add your salaries together, paid for rent and living costs (+ some savings), and then halved the remainder for personal spending?
We mix our finances for this reason so that each person gets the same spending money each month. It just leads to resentment that one person gets more than the other especially when you try to justify it by saying you should get more because your work is more stressful.
I’m in exactly the opposite situation. I’m happily married to a Japanese guy who makes a lot more money than I do so he has always subsidized my living expenses. He knew that my income ability was limited by the type of work visa I had when I first started living here so he always felt a bit guilty about it. If he wants to do something or buy something that I can’t afford on my income he just pays for everything.
Does she pay half rent/basic living expenses or a percentage equal to the ratio of your salary vs hers? The latter is what I did.
We do percentages. Combining our salaries, I make 60% to her 40%. So, any bill we get is split 60/40. I tend to pick up the check when we eat out, as well. Easy peasy.
>Our situation is that if she worked full time hours, the extra money she earns will just be taken up by hoken as right now she’s under my health insurance which works out cheaper for us.
Not to nitpick, but if her salary is half of what you earn and she is working part time, she would still come out ahead if she started working full time.
>I feel guilty for having more money after we split the rent but the reason is because my job is really stressful and the salary I earn just makes up for how hard the job is
Do you also do a majority of the housework, or does she? It feels like you might be overlooking the extra labour she does while at home.
Fwiw, both me and my partner work full time, but the amount we put towards expenses is roughly equivalent to the amount we each make. That seems more than equitable.
Can’t you give her a bit of spending money? Does it have to be earned by her?
A common tactic in these kinds of situations (where partners earn an unequal amount) is to split costs by the percentage of how much your wage makes up the total household income.
A quick example: if you earn 7 million yen a year and she earns 3 million yen, you could pay 70% and she pays 30% (or whatever your situation is). Then both people are contributing but everyone has money left over.
My Japanese wife is the big earner. I’m asked to give a certain amount each month and then she’ll handle the technicalities.
We both work full time and have two kids.
Even then I’m sure she’d want me to contribute more.
I don’t think you should feel guilty – but you’re a team.
Maybe figure out a budget together – rent, bills, food, savings/investments, childcare if applicable, anything else you need and then split what’s left?
In my particular case we both work full-time but I earn double her salary so we split all expenses 60/40 and I take care of savings and investments for our future.
What about savings? I pay more overall for expenses but I am also the one doing the saving, which we need for the future. She doesn’t seem like a saver. So I’m not keen on taking on a lot more expense because it’ll eat this away.
If you’re going to have a family, you need some put away.
I really don’t get the splitting of everything. My wife and I both work, do housework and care for the children. Everything goes in the pot for our family. We don’t have separate accounts (apart from for paycheques).
If I need something, I buy it, and so does she. If it is over a certain amount then it is discussed.
Our jobs are only one aspect of our lives, and we contribute to each other in other areas that feels balanced.
That said, I would struggle if my partner didn’t work or I felt contributed less but expected more. I would end up feeling used, or lose respect for my partner.
Arranging a marriage in percentages and based more around money doesn’t seem like a union, more like a business arrangement.
I just pay for everything and she saves. Works out for us. I get paid like 2x she does, so I can afford to do it this way.
You should pay 75% of the rent. The fact that she only works part time and you have no kids means she has plenty if free time, which is at least as valuable as a few ten thousand yen a month, if not more.
I am not sure if this helps but just to share with you our financial state; No kids yet.
My spouse and I earn around the same but since I am not good at numbers and a spender myself spouse helps organizes and what we’ve decided was to combine all of our salary automatically to one bank account every payday and from there we will have our own okozukai . House expense and living expense are also being taken from that account. And half of that account’s money will go to our piggy bank (separate account) which automatically goes to stock to invest more.
Personally IMO When one is not a good money saver like me (when money is there I really spend but lately I have been able to control myself) you should combine your salary and mange from there. Good luck!
My wife made way way less than I did for the majority of the relationship and we shared everything and always shared all the money. Now she got an amazing job and makes nearly double me and we still share everything so there’s no resentment at all. Give and take like everything else in the relationship
I pay the rent, she pays utility bills. Works out pretty fair.
I’m your wife but not Japanese. I also have not taken extra paid work in the last few years because of the tax situation. For us there is no “mine and yours” money only “ours”. The rent, phones and utilities come out of his account. All the food and daily necessities come out of mine. If I am short during my non-paid vacations, he’ll front me. Anything leftover is pooled and considered savings for BOTH of us. We discuss bigger purchases for the apartment but are free to buy small tag things like clothes etc – we usually end up mentioning it first, though, just to ask for opinions about color/size etc.
Every relationship is different. This works for us. Converse, communicate and find a common ground between “me” and “us”.
(I got him to read this before hitting reply because I didn’t want to put words into his mouth and he thought I’d summed it up).
I’ve never understood this “his money” vs. “her money” when married. In our house, it’s “our money.” Now one thing we have done is try to live off of the money I make – mortgage, food, bills, spending, etc. Then, with the money she makes, we try to put 100% of that into savings. She only makes a third of what I make, but we’ve been late to save and we need to. Perhaps, living off of the main breadwinner is a bit difficult for some. But if you can, you’ll start to feel a bit more stress-free as your savings gets larger.
I pay for everything so my wife does not have to work. If she wanted to work and therefore had an income, she can either put it in our shared account or use it for herself. I would be fine with both.
I pay for everything so far and when our kids are older she’ll work and help. We’re a team so if she needed cash for a hobby, as long as it’s reasonable, she’s welcome to use my card or auto withdrawal from my account. We also share a family savings that she can take out cash anytime. We are both responsible with finances and don’t waste on name brand crap. Life is short and if it helps her feel better I’d be happy to pay.
We pay half on everything we have together, and pay separately for things we buy for ourselves individually. She makes double what I do and I still have lots of money left over for savings each month.
If you are struggling that much to pay then you are most likely living above your pay grade. Moving somewhere smaller and less expensive would be a good idea. Especially if you are childless.
Sounds like you’re being groomed for handing over your salary every month.
Each to their ability. You could spend the proportional amount which is 2/3 of the rent since you bring 2/3 of the combined salary.
If you make more do something like 40% of the rent & you pay utilities.
Nah she should work full time based on principle. Wouldn’t she get her own insurance working full time?
IMO it’s all shared money, so who cares who pays more? But in the real world not everyone can see it this way, including my wife. She refuses to ask for money from me when she over extends, then gets mad that she pays the rent and I take care of everything else. Just ask for money!
1. You probably shouldn’t live in a place that costs half your salary to rent. Huge waste of money.
2. Tell your missus to stop being such a deadbeat.
I’m married to a Japanese gentleman, not lady so I hope I can weigh in here.
Anyway, what about groceries? Who pays for those? I pay for groceries because I get paid a little more and then we spilt everything else.
So if she’s also spending on the food, then she’s spending a lot I think. Even if you only spend ¥1000 a day on both of your food, that adds up.
For a short period my wife paid my hoken, and then I paid hers for a while (moving because of work and one or the other took turns looking for a job while settling down). For the past few years we are both full time workers with basically the same income. At no point was the tax burden of both being full time employees even close to make our net income lower to what it was when one of us was not working full time.
Check online or ask friends with similar qualifications of your wife for their full time salaries. Then calculate the yearly taxes using that information and see how much it will add to your household income and how much you will loose of tax discounts from not having her under your insurance. If you need help with that, maybe someone at city hall could help, but I’m not sure. Anyway, you will realize it is worth it.
I’m not saying that she working another 2 hours of baito would be economically sound. What I suggest is that she takes a regular full time job. If instead, your wife doesn’t **want** to work, specially a non-glamorous job that requires no qualification, then it’s a whole another issue and my opinion on that would just make me be downvoted to oblivion…
It’s easier when joint accounts are possible but all the money goes into one pot and all the expenditure comes out of that pot. Spend what you need of the remainder without going crazy and plan bigger purchases together – holidays, cars etc. I hate seeing couples arguing over who pays how much of a restaurant bill. Keeping your ‘own money’ seems like less than 100% commitment to me.
The wife and I have 100% combined finances.
The thing is, workplaces will value your time at different rates. But you both only get the same amount of total time in real terms (life) and to me her life is just as valuable as mine.
As long as we’re both putting in full time hours (contributing the same amount of our life) then we should split it down the middle.
That’s a partnership yo.
TIL only men married to Japanese women have to deal with sharing finances and figuring out how to split rent.
How would you feel if she made more than you but you had to pay just as much as her? I don’t understand this mentality, you guys are married so start acting like it. Make a budget you both agree on and make sure both parties understand where the money goes.
I was the breadwinner over my husband for a long time but never once demanded we split 50/50. Now he makes more than me and he still gives me control of the finances. It’s so hard to manage every single paycheck but easy to combine and just sort it out for the month.
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If you had kids things would be different but at this point, she seriously needs to stop making excuses and get a proper career and pay her part. That hoken thing makes no sense.