I’ll try to make this concise but I also want to give all the context so it might be a little long winded, forgive me in advance.
I moved here in April, I’m a 27 year old language school student with intentions on going to university after I finish and I work remotely.
I met a girl on HelloTalk who’s very very friendly, super chipper and outgoing and good attitude, very polite and respectful. She speaks decent english but nowhere near fluent, and I speak meh japanese, I’m around N3 but I forget vocabulary a lot. She offered to pay each time we went somewhere on our two times hanging out and she texts me a whole lot, and just seems like a very normal and polite person.
We hit it off well and made plans within a week of starting to talk, and we met in Shibuya. I took her to a gorgeous restaurant, we had a really good time, went to the club, I introduced her to some of my friends, and it seemed like she was head over heels. I made a few blunders (put my arm around her shoulder a couple times, unfortunately wasn’t aware how culturally inappropriate that was, but she leaned into me and seemed to be having a great time, and we were both hammered.) I said ‘next time let’s go on a date!’ and she laughed and said sure.
We kept talking nonstop for the past 2 weeks and just tonight we had our second hang out. We planned on going to dinner, bowling, and karaoke. I gave her a pink rose and some godiva chocolate, we went and got soba and had a great time. Then, we go to karaoke and it was AWKWARD AS FUCK:
**cringe warning:** I couldn’t find any of the songs I knew how to sing, I didn’t know any of the songs she wanted to sing, she didn’t know any of mine, and I really REALLY fucking suck at singing. she started to seem not so interested anymore. Afterwards, we went to pay, and for whatever reason we had to install some app to pay, my phone was dead and it was taking her like 15 minutes because it wasn’t working properly.
We started to walk away and I was like ‘okayyy sooo lets go bowling!’, praying it would be my redemption after the embarrassing karaoke session, and she was like ‘nah i think i’m gonna head home, it’s already 11 (to be fair she lives 1h30m away)’. So I was walking her to the station and I was like ‘you wanna sit in the park for a few minutes and talk before you head out?’ since we passed one and she wasn’t having it. So I offered to walk her back to the station, she wasn’t having that either, so I just cut my losses and said alright take care and walked away.
I figured it’s as good as over, so I just texted her and said ‘thanks for hanging out, sorry if it was a bit awkward’ and I get hit with a very aloof, blunt ‘thanks for the gift, take care \*waving hand emoji\*’
Then she starts in with saying ‘oh it wasnt you it wasnt awkward I was just really annoyed about that app!’. So I’m like, alright, maybe lets see if she’s down to even hang out again! So I said ‘next time lets hang out earlier so we can have some more time! and she says yes! and was talking about how we should both study eachothers language more so we can communicate better, and that it was fun etc… and generally seemed like she was down to meet again.
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**But, here’s where I’m confused and would like the help of some people with experience with the cultural differences:** is she just being nice? my japanese friends told me if she didn’t want to see me again she wouldn’t have agreed to it and would’ve just blocked me and that she’s definitely still interested. the vibes are just weird, how the fuck am i supposed to know how she feels? i’m not too good at this i guess, just wondering on your guys’ thoughts.
10 comments
Are you in high school? Just take her out again and see where it goes. You aren’t leading the UN mission between two nations here 😂
You are overthinking it.
Just try to ask her if there’s anything in particular she likes, or a spot somewhere she likes going out and ask her to show you. Perhaps she’s not that much into bowling and karaoke after all?
There’s not a whole lot of cultural differences here in your story, other than some people are less touchy in public and you suck at singing in the land that invented karaoke. I would practice some Beatles songs, btw. They are the lifeline here.
It sounds like a lot is going well for you. Your cringe date is nowhere near as cringe as some other stuff I’ve read.
What it sounds like to me is that you want to further the relationship faster and you’re upset that a bad date is going to slow that process down more, and you’re trying to get her to bed faster than she’s interested in. Meeting earlier is referring to “not wanting to be stuck with someone acting drunk and touchy if I miss the last train”. That’s what’s up, and applicable in every country.
Slow down and keep doing fun stuff together and when time allows try to talk about a shared future seriously, that’s all there is to it. Good luck.
PS. And carry a battery pack if you’re having a full day together. They sell them cheap on amazon and some are the size of credit cards now, fits in your wallet. If not this, carry a compact charger so you can charge during stops.
lol, tell me you’re a virgin without telling me you’re a virgin
Dude you are way overthinking this. If she hasn’t ghosted you and isn’t making excuses for why she can’t get together you’re doing fine.
Does she work? Have you ever worked?
Drunk bowling at 23:00 is something you can do when you’re a student. Most (working) people will take a last train home, this isn’t strange or culturally different.
Dude, women here will ghost you for breathing through the wrong nostril.
If you haven’t been ghosted, you’re ok.
>I’m a 27 year old language school student with intentions on going to university after I finish and I work remotely.
Please keep in mind that working remotely as a student is not as simple as working a standard hourly job within Japan. Depending on the details you may be required to get specific permission from immigration in order to work remotely, and such permission may not be granted if immigration deems the job to be your main activity (vs. studying in university).
Look. Japanese girls have very high expectations when it comes to foreign men, especially white ones, and especially if they haven’t dated such guys before.
She probably just expected you’d be an absolute Ed Sheeran in the Karaoke. The other fact that she got a hissy over the app thing probably points to her having a short temper….don’t fuck around with short tempered Japanese girls. They may seem quiet now but down the line that firey dragon will come out and you’ll be asking yourself why you married this woman and where it all went wrong.
Find yourself a girl who digs you from the start, who’s not shy, can take a joke, and doesn’t get upset over spilt milk.
Dating takes time, believe me I know better than most. But there’s some really amazing people out there and you’ll just know it when it happens.
Some advice from a guy with more experience:
Don’t buy girls gifts so early on. It shows way too much over-investment and it puts pressure on the girl because now you’ve spent $$ on her and she’s going to feel like you’ll be upset if she doesn’t put out to reciprocate. Don’t feel like you need to “win” her affection. Let it develop because you guys spend quality time together and have fun.
Don’t apologize for being awkward because you just draw attention to the fact that you were awkward. In general, don’t apologize unless you actually do something wrong. If a girl says she’s going home, don’t try to drag her a bunch of other places because you then start to be needy/desperate. Just say cool, smile and walk her to the station.