I am Japanese. I grew up in Europe and finally moved here for the first time in December of 2021.
It’s not the country that’s the problem – I just really hate being here. I used to be a straight A or B student when I used to be in Europe but now my grades, my mental health and my life is going downhill all because I had to move.
I’ve been overworking myself to try and keep up with school but most times I just don’t understand because I struggle a lot with Japanese. The stress has caused me acne, weekly breakdowns, and the worst physical health I’ve ever had.
My Japanese parents don’t understand because they don’t know what it’s like switching and adapting new lifestyles while not mentally prepared or having the opinions to choose.
I’m also very sure I have ADHD because I’ve done research on the illness (reading books, articles, visiting websites, watched videos from licensed doctors etc) but my parents won’t let me get help because “they know someone with ADHD and I’m not like them”.
My sister isn’t helping either, she has also become very stressed but she releases it by beating me on a regular basis.
I want to catch up with the other students but I just can’t. All the teachers I’ve met here either teach by adding pressure and negativity in contrast to the teachers in Europe.
The kids here sometimes suck too. So much judgement and relentless bullying.
I wanna take myself out at this point. I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with this for the rest of my life.
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You won’t have to deal with this for the rest of your life. Take a deep breath; you’re still very young, you don’t have to be a straight A student. You just have to be average. The pressure to excel is all in your head and while it’s a great thing, the stress will ultimately wear you down. Take things one step at a time; life is hard, school is hard, and things suck. The first step is to ask yourself—what cards do you have in your hand? Step two is, create a strategy and play them.
It seems like you still in high school, and Japan education sounds like a lot of pressure too. But luckily you don’t have to deal with this for the rest of your life. Try passing high school and select a university abroad for further study would probably be a good choice. If you don’t have money and couldn’t apply for a scholarship, try to choose study in a smaller country like Vietnam would also made it easier.
Good luck!
Sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time, I made the move as an adult so things were a bit different, but I certainly remember as a child feeling like I could never do the things that Japanese students are expected to.
Just to be sure, this is your situation?
Academics
* Linguistic barrier to keeping up
* Difficulty with the course material itself (i.e. Is the math more difficult, or are you having trouble understanding the Japanese instruction itself?)
Medical
* You may or may not have ADHD and your parents refuse to let you see a doctor.
Social/Family
* Sister beats you
* Not getting along with judgmental kids
Each one of these alone sound like terrible things to deal with, never mind all at once. You definitely shouldn’t have to deal with this.
Have you ever had the chance to discuss everything you just shared as a whole (Not just ADHD) with your parents?
As for advice, I’m not an expert on any of this, but have you tried contacting 発達障害者支援センター, 児童（子ども）発達支援センター, 児童（子ども）家庭支援センター to consult about your ADHD situation? Also, if you can gather a few thousand yen you may go see a doctor even as a minor. I think you may need “informed consent” forms from your parents for formal prescriptions or diagnosis, but if you can get a letter or word of mouth from a medical professional, maybe you can convince your parents for further screening.
As for academics/social life, how about contacting free 帰国子女 consulting services like 公益財団法人 海外子女教育振興財団?
how old is your sister?
what do you mean she is beating you up?
All I can say is it gets better. Gaman for now. Plan how you’re going to get back to Europe eventually. Do what you need to achieve that goal, and if the goal changes, go with it.
I’ve taught many students who returned to Japan and struggled academically. The details vary from person to person. If you’re lucky you can make an adjustment in a year or two. If you’re unlucky you might never really adjust to the school system here.
One thing you shouldn’t try to do is compare yourself to other students. Unfortunately the system has a lot of standardized tests, and some educators love to put people in categories based on this course they get in certain subjects. But those scores don’t tell you who you are as a person, and they don’t tell you your potential.
Another thing that can be hard for students to see is that the teachers don’t all agree with each other on everything. It’s easy to think of the school as a monolithic entity, but actually each teacher has their own values and priorities. Some of them would probably love to support you, and others might be less interested in spending time doing so. If you can find one or two teachers at school who seem like they’re genuinely interested in helping you out, tell them about your academic struggles and see what they say. It’s not like they can magically fix things overnight, but they might have some good advice, and if nothing else they can listen to you talk about what you’re going through.
Especially in high school, if you show some initiative to try to make improvements at school, you’ll find a lot of support. If you quietly struggle but never talk to anyone outside of class or after school, it’s quite likely that people will leave you to your own devices.
Try to convince your parents to put you in a different school. Our niece was very unhappy in a strict evangelical school my wife’s sister put her in. We finally got her into a relaxed school in Tokyo, and she is happy. If there is an international school where you live, and if your parents can swing the fees, go there. The curriculum and teaching style will be similar to what you were used to in EU, especially if you go to the EU country’s school in Japan.
I grew up with 3 older sisters who tried to terrorize me. I made them stop, and fear me.
Hang in there.
I’ve been through what you are, though to a lesser extent. All I can say is do your best to hang in there and I guarantee you’ll come out the other end with a unique and better rounded view on the world than most others. As you grow older, you’ll learn to appreciate those things more and resent the shitty aspects of your past less. The key is to avoid asking yourself what if and accept what is and take what you can from it. Best of luck.
Japan doesn’t have to be the rest of your life. I’m not sure how old you are, but you could look at doing your university education back in Europe (or another country). That will open up pathways for you to live and work abroad as well.
I have some experience myself with having to adapt to a new country/culture, and I empathize with your situation.
I think it is important to make your parents understand your predicament, and understand how seriously you are struggling.
A face-to-face talk can go off on tangents, it can get interrupted, someone can get emotional, or sometimes you just can’t find the necessary words; if you find that a face-to-face talk isn’t working, perhaps you can write a letter to your parents. Not an e-mail or a Line, but an actual hand-written letter.
Take some time to clearly write down your struggles, your feelings and your fears. Avoid placing blame on someone, just listing complaints, or writing a manifesto. Describe how you’ve tried to make thing better on your own, but that you are still struggling, and clearly say that you need their help.
God bless
You can’t see it yet but once you get over that hump you are going to be a rare thing: a Japanese with PERFECT command of English. This is going to awesome for the rest of your career and most of the bozos spanking you now with their kanji knowledge will NEED people like you to interact with the outside world.
It’s going to be fine – your sis needs a baka slap though that’s a job for your parents.
You are getting stronger everyday.
Honestly, if your school has a guidance counselor that would be my first stop. While people can offer sound advice here, getting your parents to listen is another matter entirely. If you can be as honest with your counselor as you’re being with us, then I’d be inclined to think that they would speak to your parents on your behalf. I think that a lot of old school parents tend to dismiss their kids’ complaints, but it can be harder to deny with pressure from another adult.
You might want to consider what others have mentioned. Your school dictates so much here. Private schools can be much less problematic, if that’s something your parents could go for. But this could also be something to discuss with a counselor. Like seriously, I wouldn’t worry about opening about any of this. Changing schools, violence at home, suicidal thoughts. Lay it all out on the table. Don’t feel embarrassed about the pain you’re going through and don’t try to spare anyone’s feelings.
As for the rest of your life, as others have said. It’s really not. I know it feels like it, but this shit show that is high school is done in the blink of an eye. After high school things only get better. Plan out things you want from the future and see what your parents are willing to go for, support-wise. My main goal would be to move out though. Even if they won’t support you moving abroad, moving to another prefecture would at least be something. Take the little victories you can get.
Hey, I’ve been in your exact situation, and as brutal and unhelpful it might sound, just tough it out. There is nothing you can really do to change your problems, the most you can do is to change your mindset from “ugh I hate this” to “I guess I have to accept that this is the way it is”. The education system certainly sucks, but just tough it out and aim for a job that you will get you out of this country.
Most of the issues that you’re having will go away with time. Most teenagers have acne, but it disappears when your hormones stabilize, either naturally or otherwise.
You’ve been in Japan for less than a year, so of course your Japanese is far from good. Just keep studying and you will get good a it.
You seem like a kind person, so you will eventually make a group of friends here too, that should help with your mental health and bullying.
The problem with your sister is more worrisome to me, you live in the same house so you can’t avoid her. I don’t know what to tell you, except that if she’s older than you, she will eventually mature and realize what she’s doing is wrong, or get a job and move out of the house.
So ganbatte, don’t give up, there’s a group of people here willing to support you with whatever problems you have.
Do you have relatives in Europe, where you could spend the rest of your school years, and who could act as your “caretakers” until you’re 18 and can take your life in your own hand?
> I wanna take myself out at this point.
Don’t opt for a permanent solution to a temporary problem. High school isn’t forever, and you don’t have to stay in Japan forever. Deal with it one day at a time and do what you can to prepare to get out after you graduate.
Are you an adult?
Oh, hell. The Japanese people I met who spent a good amount of time in (and enjoyed said time) the West and then attempted to come back to Japan, especially when their “gaijin card” is not valid… it doesn’t generally end well. They can see the flaws in the Japanese system like foreigners but without the “out.”
Ask your parents if it’s possible for you to be an exchange student in Europe.
A lot of this sounds hard! Of course you have every right to feel stressed. That is okay.
Ultimately, these will be temporary problems. You don’t have to “keep up” with everyone else. You don’t have to be the star student either. If you want to improve you just need to be a little bit better than yourself each day.
To climb a ladder you have to start at the bottom and take it one step at a time. You have to become your own biggest supporter. That means acknowledging that what you’re facing is hard. And that its okay for you to feel what you do. Acknowledge it. Feel it. Sit with it. Accept it. Take a deep breath, let it out and you’ll find that you’re okay. Eventually these feelings pass.
Eventually you’ll absorb the language. Eventually you’ll communicate better. Eventually you’ll look up and realize you had a much better handle on everything than you believed.
The Westerners will like this post bro and pick you up.
Call TELL Japan Lifeline: [https://telljp.com/](https://telljp.com/)
If you feel like you’re going to blow up, give them a call. I don’t know what it takes to solve your problem. You probably do, or you will eventually, you just need to get some peace of mind to get there. Someone to listen can help.
if it makes u feel any better, your acne is probably caused by the weather. a lot of people that normally don’t have bad skin get breakouts during this season
I’m also from Europe, and I sometimes find it hard to live here as people around me are extremely cold compare to warm blooded people of Europe. However I just realized that it’s just my environment right now. Not every Prefecture is created equally. All my foreign friends are also saying the same thing. I’ve been to some other places and shocked at the difference. Planning to move out of this Prefecture as soon as possible. I think it’s all about finding a good community. So i say, hang in there to finish high school(which I’m assuming you are currently going to) and try to go somewhere with more open minded people for the college.
What are your goals?
It’s better that u go back to Europe.
For me, I am the same case as you. But I hated the country and education I grew up in. Went back to Japan, my lifestyle improved alot as well as academic.
Lots of awesome answers here.
You are doing very well as someone young, very aware of your own emotions and struggles, being exposed to more than one culture, trying hard to adopt in a new environment. And you are taking care of yourself by posting here and starting a conversation.
That’s a positive thing you’ve done for yourself.
It’s never easy to switch countries, schools. Hopefully you know you are not in here alone. I guess your parents would love to help in their way if they understand better about your struggle and pains. There are also free online counseling services here in Japan for English speakers, for example TELL.
Not sure about your age. Sometimes being teenager/a young person itself can be overwhelming and hard enough.
If you just need someone to talk to but you can’t find anyone, please DM. I can be there for you and listen.
Hope all will get better for you eventually. Good luck!
I didn’t see you talking about chains or handcuffs holding you here. If you don’t like it here… then work on leaving. I presume you have another main language, so you’d have a preference on where to go live.
Work on leaving: by studying hard, getting a good education, and then getting work overseas. Once you’ve done that, you can apply for permanent status there, and perhaps eventually take on their citizenship.
Work on leaving: If you complain, feel sorry for yourself, and DON’T work hard, I can almost guarantee nothing will change or improve. Suicide solves nothing, and only causes more problems for other people to deal with.
Many people have a shitty childhood; my own in the USA wasn’t very good, either. But I kept going and didn’t give up. Hang in there, and you can do it too. Things change in life more than you can believe. Opportunities appear from nowhere. What seemed impossible to put up with when we were young becomes a forgettable time once we get older.
Again, hang in there. Work on leaving. You can start now. Some other very good advice in other comments here, too.
Like my favorite math tutor told me – do your best but remember that you don’t have to solve every problem on the test. Try doing what you’re confident at, don’t stress yourself over stuff that isn’t going well, focus on something else you have even a slight amount of confidence in. That way of thinking really helped me with my schoolwork and actually made my math grades significantly better
With the exception of Japanese, stop caring about your academic progress and stop caring what other people may or may not be thinking about said progress.
Trying to learn things in a language you struggle with is like trying to learn how to run before walking. Attack the language first, then slide yourself back into caring about your general education.
That doesn’t mean you stop paying attention in lessons… Paying attention in lessons will still help you pick up vocabulary. But the rate at which you learn the things being taught in class will be **significantly lower** than your peers. It is inevitable, accept it.
Your life sounds tough right now. I remember some pretty bad times over the years in school. One day I woke up and something just kinda flipped. I completely stopped giving a shit about school and whether I get good grades or not. I was ready for my parents to get angry at me and I was ready to not give a shit about that either. Life was a lot better for me after that.
Chill.
All the best to you stranger.
Please, whatever you do don’t commit suicide. This is temporary. You have your whole life ahead of you. It will pass, I promise you.
Just relax and live your life and enjoy your life. You don’t exist to please other people. You exist to enjoy your life. If you can enjoy your life in Japan’s dysnfunctional society, I guarantee you you can enjoy yourself anywhere.
Japan is a deeply, deeply sick society. And because it is not dealing with this sickness, the people have become psychologically dysfunctional as well.
You feeling bummed out here, is a natural sane response to an insane society.
Relax, roll with the punchs and build up your strength, slowly and surely and you will love your life, I promise you!
Books I recommend:
The Count of Monte Cristo
Crime and Punishment
Les Misérables
These great works of literature will become lifelong friends to you, as they will enable to transcend any misery you encounter.
Advice. Just pass school and apply to go to university in another country (europe if you can or states or other places) then move out. I did that. I struggle in school but had a lot of life skills and social skills and excelled a lot that way. School isn’t everything, but try to work towards going to another place for university. Once you have a goal in mind life will be easier to work towards it.