[Kyotopia Podcast](https://open.spotify.com/episode/5FAwIiSMHtBM6MA8JwjFJ7?si=wv8_PCspTXi4eeJYOYK70w&context=spotify%3Acollection%3Apodcasts%3Aepisodes)
Would appreciate hearing your thoughts/experiences regarding the concepts of “uchi” and “soto” in Japan.
Do you find it challenging to develop a friendship with Japanese people that is deeper than superficial?
What does the word “home” mean to you?
1 comment
I am a 29-year-old male from America. I have Hispanic roots so some of my ideas of closeness and friendship may differ from other Americans. Also, I am married to a Japanese woman so I often ask her what she thinks, and she definitely changed my views on friendship in Japan.
Maybe I should start with my definition of friendship. I feel friends are those who you can have fun with but more importantly those you can count on even when you’re not happy and feeling your best. They ultimately accept you for who you are but can lovingly guide you towards healthy decisions.
When I first arrived in Japan I was 23 years old. I didn’t really understand Japanese ideas of friendship or how they formed naturally for Japanese people. I just assumed a relaxed friendliness with my coworkers and the people I met. For the most part, I was happy to be here. So every relationship was interesting and felt like a true friendship. After the honeymoon phase lifted I realized that the people I hung out with didn’t include many Japanese people but did include many of my other foreign coworkers.
This isn’t to say I didn’t have some Japanese friends. I did but not as many as I predicted. I did meet a nice coworker who quickly became like a second family and to this day almost 5 years later I still often meet and go on trips with them and their family.
This person wanted English lessons as often is the case but paid for them with amazing dinners his lovely wife would cook for us.
I would say most of my “closer” Japanese friends feel superficial in the American sense. Because I don’t often have spur of the moment hangouts, and many events are planned months in advance.
However, I realized that trust is a huge part of making friends in Japan. Most relationships I have are from mutual friends that introduced us. People giving their time is seen as showing their respect for your relationship.
I also know that location in Japan is really important. If you are not in the right place (bar, restaurant, etc) you won’t likely get to talk about personal matters with the people you meet.
I recently met up with an old coworker (a different person than the example above) I hadn’t seen in over a year. We met up at a restaurant and I felt like I hadn’t missed a beat with him. We were able to talk about many different aspects of our lives. I know that I can truly call him a close friend.
I still have a long way to go before I am more comfortable with my Japanese friends and coworkers. There are many times I can’t read the air. But I feel if I set appropriate expectations for my friends based on their culture and history. I can have fulfilling relationships in Japan.
Also, I have to add learning Japanese was the only way I was able to keep many of the friendships I developed. As my Japanese language ability improved so did my relationships. It was the key that opened many hearts and doors. And many of my Japanese teachers are some of the closest relationships I’ve ever developed even back home in America.
TLDR: To me, Japanese friendships seemed complicated at first. But ultimately I learned they are built on trust and time. Giving time shows that you care about the relationship. And learning Japanese is probably the most important thing when making friends in Japan.