I haven’t officially proposed to my fiancee yet, but we’ve begun wedding planning and are planning to set a date/inform her parents, whom I’ve never met.
Today is the day we meet them for dinner and I convert from 秘密な彼氏 to full on 本物彼氏。
The parents are apparently traditional (so is my fiancee) and don’t speak much, if any, English.
For anyone who’s been through this or something similar, any advice for making a good first impression and/or any useful Japanese phrases to know?
My Japanese is ok, but I’m very shaky on 尊敬語 and 謙譲語. Looking to survive the evening.
18 comments
You’ll probably spend most of the evening just asking questions so I think that the usual “masu” form is fine. Maybe prepare a few questions to ask yourself (“What was your fiancée like when she was younger?” is a good one) but just be polite and humble as you already know.
Not really what you’re asking but also watch their family dynamic for future problems that you’ll have to deal with in the future.
I would say to take care about first impression as much as you can, shave, cut your hair, put on a nice shirt possible with a suit, like if you would attend a job interview. Be nice, polite and shy at first. After this, depending on their reaction, you can slowly start to relax and be more yourself.
In my first official presentation I remained silent as much as possible, just listened carefully and let them take the initiative. Let them ask whatever they want, even if it’s a bunch of mumbo-jumbo loaded with stereotypes it’s OK. Of course knowing Japanese is a huge plus. You don’t need to use keigo that much, but do try to be a bit formal.
Wish you all the best, if there is love and respect anything is overcome. In that first presentation I was very nervous, but now every time I go to spend the weekend at my in-laws’ house I even walk around the house in my underpants and they treat me like one of them.
When I first met my wife’s parents the mother was like ‘oh it’s Perry. Hello there!’.
Go to department store. Descend to basement. Buy nice whiskey for dad, nice sweets for mom. Have both professionally wrapped by staff. Hand over at beginning of meal. Don’t get drunk. Say everything mom cooked was oishii desu. Agree with dad’s opinion on any topics. Go home the victor. Keep plowing daughter.
Just to clarify you are going from “secret boyfriend” from the parents to straight into “We are getting married?”
Do the parents know you are dating at all? Hopefully you are not doing this but do not go in as a friend having dinner with the parents & escalate to we are getting married.
If they know you exist, know what you look like, & are dating usually things may go well.
I’ve had an ex’s parent literally walk out on us after surprising them we were dating, when I was younger. Do not do this, it messes you up for a while.
Just do what all of us do and prepare a PowerPoint presentation with all the pros of their beloved daughter marrying you
* Ask your partner what to wear.
* Use desu/masu form.
* Bring a small gift, biscuits/lollies from your country would be great. (Check what they like with your partner)
* If her parents drink maybe bring some alcohol, a six-pack could work well. Especially if you’re going to be discussing marriage
* You may be expected to ask permission to marry. Check with your partner.
I did this a long time ago. Meeting seemed to go well, afterwards my ex says “they were shocked you were foreign and think we should break up, but you are a nice guy so they’ll come around”. We did break up later for other reasons, but sometimes I felt like I should have stayed with her just to spite the racist parents.
If you were the secret boyfriend the whole time, brace yourself for the ”Is a home-grown Japanese boy not good enough for you?” directly in your both you, and your fiancée’s faces.
Definitely get a black blazer, with a solid dark color turtleneck, or a nice expensive-looking solid dark color dress shirt. Get a nice wrist watch, preferably gold if going with a wine burgundy shirt.
Emphasize how you two met, what you have in common, and why you like each other, and how spending time together is easy.
Tell them your job offers long-term, stable opportunities.
I only met my wife’s father four times in our 24 years of marriage, the last time after the birth of our son 10 years ago.
We sat on the floor of his house, drinking tea, and I invited him (in perfect Japanese) to visit us in Los Angeles anytime he wished to see his grandson. He looked at me with a cold, lifeless gaze and shouted:
外国嫌い！俺は日本人だ。
That was the last time we ever spoke and the only time he’s ever met his grandchild.
Dress up and be polite. A small gift would be nice. I suggest an expensive fruit gift of some sort from a basement of a department store, professionally wrapped. Can’t go wrong with that. As for what to say, I honestly have no idea. I asked my wife’s parents for permission in Japanese but I already knew them quite well and it was a surprise to their daughter at the time. I’d probably just let your fiance do the talking and feel out the dynamic first. If the dad is furious and you suddenly say you want his permission, it would probably not go down well.
Some good advice here, especially the whisky and sweets. Also, if like me, you have a bit of a beer belly or some other physical aspect that might be commented on, be ready that this might be pointed out – best to just laugh it off or say thanks for the concern “years of dedicated beer drinking” etc. It doesn’t seem to be a big deal here to be reminded that you need to lose a few pounds…even if you would be “average” elsewhere..
Best of luck!
You’ve never been mentioned? This is a bit of a red flag for me. Have you asked your SO why she hasn’t told them about you?
I took them out to dinner and formally asked to marry their daughter.
We discussed finances, career, children, the usual marriage talk. Then her mother looked at me and told me that there might be months where you don’t talk to each other but once you start a family you stick through it. I still remember the look they gave each other. It was nice. I had prepared to talk about those things.
The worst part is her father invited me to run a 10k the next weekend. I was a 96kg fat fuck at the time. Her father was probably 63 at the time and most of the members of his jogging crew were 70+. I pushed through it since I didn’t want some old geezers to kick my ass. Part of our jog was through the nightlife district and he asked me if I ever partake in said activities (he left that pretty vague). Then we went to the sento and got blitzed.
Did the same last year. Your best bet is to ask those questions to your partner. As recommended by my partner, I went in a suit and prepared a small “presentation” about what I liked about my partner and how I would take care of her from now on. Use -masu and desu form. It was much like a job interview.
Bring a small gift (ex:some nice sweets/snacks) and hand it over before starting the show. It only took like 15 minutes, but sure felt a whole lot longer. Both parents looked happy and the father gave me a nice watch that he doesn’t use anymore.
0 – 100 in one meeting? That’s balsy…
Good luck.
I did have about 2 minutes of absolute silence after the “musume kudasai” but at least my existence was known and I’d met them a couple of times before asking!
Have the parents ever met or heard about ‘a previous’ boyfriend? Do they know whether their daughter has ever dated at all? It may be quite a shock for the family, depending on what they’ve experienced up to now.