I posted yesterday about blonde hair
This morning we were fine. I asked him for help with my pension documents and he got angry because he was already busy worrying about money this month
It became a fight so I left the room to de-escalate which made him more angry
I just cried in bed while he shouted at me and I ignored him which I regret now
I texted him a few hours after that saying hello and I heard a crash
I realised later he threw his phone at the tv and now the tv is smashed.
I don’t think he smashed it on purpose but perhaps this is why he still doesn’t forgive me
It’s been about 8 hours and he won’t talk to me except for being mean. If I enter the room he says omae jama, go away, uzai, baka, go home.
If I say I want to nakanaori he says it’s stupid and no point because these 3 years have been shit because of me. He says I made him into an angry person because of culture differences, I don’t know if this is true but I said sorry so many times
He hates hearing me crying so he just closes the door and ignores me. I feel trapped and alone. I’m trying to wait it out until he’s ready to forgive me, but my heart hurts so much I just want to hug him again
I’m not scared of him but I just don’t know how to fix this and make things better again. Or what we will do about the smashed tv. I’m sorry for the jumbled sudden post. I’m really shaken and I don’t know what to do anymore
30 comments
It is an abusive relationship. If you have no kids, then why stay with him?
Is there a friend you can stay with to collect yourself? Because you shouldn’t be there if he’s lashing out like this. Get out and stay with someone and reevaluate this relationship.
Well, if the other post wasn’t enough, there’s enough red flags here to supply nascar until the year 3000.
No kids? Not many possessions? Get out before you’re the next target for that phone.
Tokyo Women’s Plaza
5-Language DV Consultation Service
For people suffering from abuse by their partner
[https://www.twp.metro.tokyo.lg.jp/consult/tabid/256/Default.aspx](https://www.twp.metro.tokyo.lg.jp/consult/tabid/256/Default.aspx)
Don’t wait. Maybe they can recommend you a shelter, I have no idea. But you need to put someone between him and you. Possibly someone japanese who will tell him what he’s doing isn’t right. For now it’s him VS you. You need to put more people on your side, and also take your distances. Also, for your pension, just go straight to your ward office with your papers and ask for help.
I said it yesterday and I’ll say it again to you.
He obviously has insecurities, he blames you for them.
He blames you for everything wrong in his life because he refuses to accept responsibility.
You need to make the choice yourself, to get out of the relationship, for your own good.
If he is at this stage, there is no coming back and it’ll only get worse.
I have been in your exact position. Get out. You did nothing wrong and it’s not your fault. You are better off without him.
Leave him, sweetie, if your visa allows it do it sooner rather than later. If you’re stuck on a spousal visa start talking to lawyers and looking at forums for advice. Stay safe, it’s only a matter of circumstances if he gets physically abusive.
Kind of been in a similar situation with a Japanese spouse, but with genders reversed.
Stay safe, and find an exit.
You did nothing wrong. You don’t need to ask for forgiveness. You are not responsible for his tantrums.
There are so many red flags: He’s projecting his insecurities on you, insulting you, and now smashing properties that belong to both of you.
If this is happening to your friend, what would you advice them? Time to reevaluate what kind of relationship you have, and if this is worth fighting for.
He’s an ass. Get over him. Move on and out.
I’m sorry. This is an awful situation. And it’s not remotely your fault.
You need to get out and get air at the very minimum. He’s insecure and smashing up objects. That’s a sign that things aren’t getting better without work and you need to not be the only person who puts in the effort.
>He says I made him an angry person because of culture differences, I don’t know if this is true but I said sorry so many times
Holy gaslighting, Batman! A problem that exists between the two of you, that both of you need to put in the work to get around is something that makes him mad and you feel you should apologize for? No. This is not about you.
You didn’t make him an angry person. He made himself an angry person. What you’re describing is clearly abuse, and you don’t deserve it. He’s not the person you want him to be.
Don’t apologize for something you didn’t do. He clearly has issues and needs to grow up.
This is going to sound harsh but at least have a read through it.
Why did you marry this guy?
Whatever you thought there was at that time is gone or was fake.
You must be able to see that things are escalating over a short period of time. That behavior won’t stop. It may peak somewhere but it won’t just stop. He either can’t control himself or doesn’t see any need to.
You need to get out and get help. If you are dependent on him you need to make plans for independence.
Deep down you already know this. You need to find the motivation to make first steps. Confidence will come slowly later. The only one who can change your situation is you. Unfortunately you can’t change him. Get out while you still can before you are totally broken or worse.
Yeah nah, girl. Dumbass has gleefully sailed past the edge already. You did nothing wrong to warrant this. Get a friend or two to support you in person and end the relationship.
I mean, I know it’s typical Reddit to suggest breaking up, but this isn’t a “he chews too loudly :(” slight, the story as you’re describing is straight up abuse, and nobody deserves that.
It is called an abusive relationship and it won’t go better because he need to solves his mental/anger issues.
Even if you love him, for your sake, you should leave.
Leave him! There’s nothing in it for the both of you, even if you still love him. And if he is ready to smash the tv, you’ll never know what or who he will smash next time. It’s not worth it. You will heal over time, but not if you stay.
This is one step away from him hitting you. Folks who break things when they are angry usually also hit people.
You should get out before that happens, because it’s a lot harder to leave a physically abusive relationship. Even if you don’t want to divorce him, this is a good point to distance yourself and to tell him that you won’t return unless he goes to therapy about his anger issues and that you will divorce him the next time he loses it like this.
Don’t ignore this. It’s a massive sea of red flags.
Leave.
It’s great that you tried to de-escalate and tried to talk. You’ve made an effort (for something that doesn’t appear to be a problem you’ve caused). But I think you already know the things you need to do. If you can’t get your husband to meet you half-way (or any part of the way) you’re in for trouble that goes beyond this current situation. This sounds like its more than just blonde hair and pension documents.
You might need a push to do what you know you should do, and it’s sometimes easier to find support from anonymous strangers on the internet. That being said – random strangers might not be the best place to find real support.
Others have posted various links to support networks. I’d also advise you talking to someone who actually knows you – it would be great if they were also in Japan and near you, but if not, a video call isn’t a hard thing to do. The hardest thing initiating the contact and talking about your situation with someone. You don’t have to be alone.
Also please be careful. Even if you’re not ‘scared of him’ – sometimes a moment of madness can change lives forever.
You don’t have to nakanaori with him. Leave. If this is happening to your friend you’d tell your friend to leave too. That’s the best option.
A phone thrown at the TV is just the tip of the iceberg.
My Japanese ex-wife was abusive to me over the 12 years of marriage including threatening me with a knife over her frustration of culture differences.
You need to get out, seek help, and leave this person.
You’re a foreign girl in Japan. You can find a new dude in a week.
But if you want my brutally honest advice, Japanese men typically don’t treat women well. So I would recommend to avoid them like the plague.
A lot of them are basically children in adult bodies.
I used to throw my video game controller at the screen when I was like 10.
But then I grew up and like most people learned that this is not good behavior.
The next target for the next object that he throws will be you.
Get out of there.
Now.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You’re delusional. Read back your post and pretend it was your best girl friend who wrote it about her husband instead. Get out now.
There are Soviet propaganda films with fewer red flags, go get help please.
After the TV he is gonna start hitting you. That is not a warning, that is a fact.
As everyone is saying, you are in an abusive relationship even if you don’t want to see it.
Your fault because you are a foreigner? Well, he knew where he was getting into when he married you. He was, and is, an adult of sound mind. Albeit too immature and insecure about himself and this relationship.
You have nothing to win from this, and everything to lose. I have seen it with my aunt and cousins, and it’s something I don’t wish upon anybody.
Take your things and leave. Women shelter, hotel, friend’s home… whatever it takes. Get away from there.
AND GET A LAWYER!
He is abusive verbally and emotionally (モラハラ/morahara or moral harassment as they say here). There is just one step to physical abuse. Audiotape anything you can, take photos of the broken TV, build your case with your lawyer AND👏🏻GET👏🏻THE👏🏻FUCK👏🏻OUT👏🏻
Your post history is made primarily of posts about your husband being abusive…get out of that relationship for the love of God.
What a loser….
The Guy complains about money… proceeds to break expensive household item (TV)… whilst also risking potentially breaking another expensive individual item (phone…. Unless it’s Nokia 3310 because that thing is Chuck Norris’s Kryptonite).
Firstly, if you’re having money issues you *should* be able to get a pension exemption.
Secondly, and maybe most importantly, leave this guy.
I’m gonna be brutal right now and scare you because this is probably your last chance.
Your life is pretty much over. The abuse will get worse. You’re going to become physically unappealing and he’ll berate you for it.
At some point he’ll try and get you pregnant to secure you as his ‘thing’ and permanently trap you. The abuse you receive now will not compare at all to what you’ll get when you have kids with him.
Your husband is a loser. You married a waste of space loser who has an obsession with Yankees
I’m not sure what you’re hoping to get out of posting on here about your abusive relationship besides the resources to get help for yourself, and the many comments telling you to leave before he gets physical.
No one can tell you “Just do X and he won’t be an abusive shit head to you anymore”.
Speaking as a survivor, this is not your doing and therefore you can’t fix this. You could take a magic potion to be a black haired Japanese woman who attracts zero attention from other people and poop out gold. He’s still gonna abuse you, because he’s an abuser and it’s nothing to do with what *you* are doing.
However, what you *need* to start doing is taking action by utilizing the resources people have given you. You could also reach out to your embassy and ask for help.
You can’t stay in this relationship. It’s done, and no amount of love or nakanaori will fix it. It’s okay to cry and feel sad that this is ending, but know that you deserve more than how this man treats you and you will have happier days ahead.
This is so painful to read – as others have said, you’re in an abusive relationship. And you’re blaming yourself for it. You think you’re not good enough, that if only you did better, everything would be alright. And you’re trapped in this relationship and don’t even realize it. I’ve been there, despite being a man. Oh, and my Japanese ex-wife also blamed me for being blonde by the way, so it’s really eerie reading your posts.
So let me be clear: you are NOT responsible for HIS mood. It is NOT your duty to make HIM happy (normal couples work on that together as teamwork). It is NOT your fault. You need to get out, and you need to do it now, before you go one step forward in the Cycle of Abuse (look it up).
He’s currently following the abuser handbook:
– Breaking things, especially valuable things (which is physical abuse, by the way)
– Silent treatment, so he makes you suffer until you apologize enough that he forgives you even though he is 100% at fault (my ex-wife would say “I want to make sure you suffered as much as you hurt me”)
– Gaslighting, blaming you for his shortcomings, making you feel worthless because you’re doing your best, and your best isn’t good enough (at least according to his criteria)
– Unknowable rules and criteria that keep changing: you are always walking on eggshells to keep him happy, because when he’s happy, things are good in the couple. But sooner or later, you’ll do a transgression without meaning to, and he will get angry again. He will act out as the victim, you will internalize it as it being your fault because that’s how he’s conditioned you, and rinse and repeat.
I’m sorry if I’m projecting or presuming too much, it sounds so familiar and this is really a trigger point for me.
But seriously, you have to get out. If he’s paying for the apartment, just leave with your main belongings and find a hotel or get a friend to let you stay at their place (or if you’re like me, by now you don’t have friends anymore because he’s systematically made you cut ties with them, directly or indirectly). Typically you want to send him a breakup text and then block him, otherwise…. Well the next step in the abuser handbook will be triggered: hoovering.
So he will try to hoover you back in by apologizing and promising to change and making you feel sorry for him (yes, hoovering is the last resort of the abuser when his victim attempts to leave his control). But one step at a time.
It’s hard but please, please, please you need to get out.