I was considering whether I should post this on antiwork or workreform first, but I realize those are more based on American work culture, so posting it here would probably allow for more insight.
This post is just me telling you the reason why I wanna quit this student I have, and how I plan to do it. I’ll take any advice you kindly give.
I (25f) work as a traveling violin teacher at the moment. I have taught over 50 students and have rarely had any issues with a parent, and if yes it was minor and resolved immediately.
The company I work part time as a contractor for finds the students for me, and we are not allowed to contact them directly (probably to protect us from people like the person I’m about to talk about), so all communication is done through another person over phone or email.
Ok here is where it begins.
I recently took a break and visited the United States for two consecutive weeks. One of the weeks coincided with golden week, you know, the week pretty much everyone takes off?
I tell all my students that I will be gone, everyone says sure, enjoy your break, see you in two weeks, maybe bring back some chips or something?
The parent I’m going to talk about, let’s call him M. Probably in his 50 or 60s, the first thing he says when I inform of my break is “when can we do makeups?” as if doing makeups is a given, which it is not. First, I never scheduled any lessons for those two weeks anyway. In addition, he is doing a plan where you do 40 lessons in a year, and he has had about 12 lessons since starting in April since he does 2 lessons a week (which I don’t understand the point of, his kid never practices,but that’s neither here nor there), so he has more than enough time. He says that since I will be gone for two weeks, he wants 4 makeups. I told him I will try, but can’t promise it.
Two weeks pass by in America, I have a good time, watched sonic 2, recommend it.
Anyway, I come back and have my first lesson with his kid since my return. Before the lesson starts, he asks about the makeups like the most entitled person in the world, “Come on Friday or Saturday or Sunday, pick one of those.” which are my days off so I tell him MURI DESU, but I can offer longer lessons since he is the last student after all. He says nope.
有無を言わせずに, he tells me to pick one of the days. Knowing there’s no dealing with this guy, I just tell him fine I’ll come on Sunday, but as an EXCEPTION and only because I happen to have an opening that day. We decide to discuss the rest of the makeup lessons (which again, he doesn’t deserve and are pointless), over the phone with my guy.
I tell my guy over the phone that makeup lessons are impossible for me, and he should not worry about it because he’ll have 40 lessons before the year finishes anyway. His kid doesn’t practice ANYWAY, it’s a waste of time (didn’t say that though). My guy agrees, says he will call M and transfer what I said.
Ever since then, I have had many, many times, the same conversation over email and phone this week. He also wanted a schedule change which I was able to do easily. I gave his old time to another student, but now he says he wants this time back. I said no, I already gave it to someone else. He said “もともと俺の時間だったので入れ替えてください”, at least 5 times.
My guy calls me back “yo doritheduck, we explained how the system works to him but he reaaaallly wants 4 make up lessons, you think you can do it for him, and you think you can give him his old time back?”
At this point, this dude has given me so much agony over all these fucking makeup lessons my mental health is about to be more ruined than Rome itself.
not in Japan, not in the states, have I ever had an issue like this, and never had any languages issues either, since I am close to native level in Japanese and English. Not to mention how fucking nervous I get every time I have to talk to him because like I said, 有無を言わせない。he always just ignores what I say and goes なんとかなんとかしてください。
I’ve had more phone calls about him begging for makeup lessons than there are fucking Marvel movies, and every time i see him in person my heart races like the blue hedgehog because I just wanna get away.
I’ve even done some makeup lessons for him in the past that he didn’t even deserve just so he could get off my damn tail, and IT WAS ON MY DAY OFF, SATURDAY, and I told him it was an exception. But last week I had to miss a lesson because he suddenly changed the time again so I gave it to someone else, so he wants a makeup for that as well, making it FIVE lessons I have to give him, all 1hr btw. And I forgot to say, he lives an hour away from me.
Honestly, my plan is to call my guy tomorrow and tell him I’m done. I don’t want to teach him anymore. I will say “I am not asking for permission, I am just telling you, I will never come to his house again.”
Is that okay to say? Probably not, but I don’t care anymore.
Here are some other things that he told me that made me not want to ever go to his house again
-The first time I called him (the No contact rule was an exception that time), he asked me if I was blonde
-he asked me where I was from originally and I said Ukraine but moved to Kazakhstan (my parents moved originally as refugees) and then germany at a young age. He then proceeded to give me a nonsensical 10 minute history lesson about refugees and Ukraine and the war and claimed my parents didn’t go to Kazakhstan for refuge, so told me I was lying. I just nod over the phone like an idiot, giving benefit of the doubt. Haha yeah I guess you know it better than me, sorry!
-I always come 10m early. One time I waited 10m for him to open the door. He went “since you’re late I’ll have you stay an extra 10 minutes”.I was too scared to stand up for myself, so I just gave him the extra 10m
-over the phone he told my guy he wants me to start telling him at least a week in advance if I’m taking a vacation. First of all, he was never home when I initially planned to tell him; I’m surprised at all I was able to tell him the day before I left, that was the one day he was at home. He also never once checked the messages I sent him over the company app. Also, it was golden week. 当たり前じゃないですか、バカ太郎！
So tomorrow I plan on telling my guy that I will not ever go to his house again. I plan on taking more “vacations” (some of them will be because I will be getting surgery) for a couple weeks again, once in the summer for 3 weeks and in the winter for 3 weeks again (I would like to meet with my dad who’s super old), which again, would not interfere with his 40 lessons.
I’m thinking of saying something like
-先生として向いてないかもしれません。
-Mさんは毎回対応しにくくて、毎回すごくストレスが溜まります。これからもたくさん休む予定ですので、振り替えは残念ながら無理です。
Something along those lines.
There’s a lot of more things M did that frustrated me but typing it here would make this post a Phd, so I’ll stop here.
Let me know your opinion on this. Hopefully I can get my frustration validated.
Edit: random tidbit but god help me I just remembered that on our first lesson his violin didn’t even have all 4 strings on it, only the A and E string. I told him “we need all the strings to play, I don’t think we can continue the lesson”, to which he replied “just use the other ones” like it’s the most normal thing in the world. I mean, that’s what I ended up doing, playing on only two strings like reincarnated Paganini, but can you imagine?
**UPDATE**: I emailed my company telling them very firmly and concisely that I am dropping the student and will never work with that parent again.
To my surprise, I immediately got a response saying sure that is ok. We had some back and forth emails where they expressed to me “for you to want to drop him like that, something terrible must have happened. Could you just give us some details so that we on our part don’t make the same mistake again and can learn from this?” So I told them some of the reasons such as him being greedy with make up lessons, disrespecting my time and being 自己中 etc., and they deeply apologized to me, and told me that I don’t need to do anything and they will take care of everything else! In other words, everything worked out really well! The relief I feel is indescribable.
And thank you for all the insightful comments, they reenergized me and helped me carry out what I needed to do. Thank you.
47 comments
Ouch that sounds tough. Sorry you have to go through all that. Although I am wondering why your company doesn’t handle this. Disputes between makeup lessons and such should be their duty I would imagine.
> My guy calls me back “yo doritheduck, we explained how the system works to him but he reaaaallly wants 4 make up lessons, you think you can do it for him, and you think you can give him his old time back?”
I guarantee you that this middleman isn’t sticking up for you at all when they get between you and the entitled customer. They’re probably apologizing over and over to him for how difficult that horrible teacher is being.
This is the problem with the “one cushion” person-in-the-middle standard method of dealing with situations in Japanese society. That person inevitably ends up placating whichever side ranks higher, without regard to justice or fairness.
I would have stopped lessons a long time ago personally haha
Not being able to contact students directly is not to protect you. It is so you don’t “steal” students / set up classes without the contractor. Never think a company is doing something for your benefit, they are not
Pretty sure the middleman is not telling the student straight up what’s going on. It’s like on of those things where you ask a Japanese person “can we do X instead of Y” and all you get is “a loooong ちょっとですけど、なんかreason reason”
But I’m with you. Stand your grounds. You seem to value your time and your client does not. Also he doesn’t seem to listen to your opinions or suggestions anyways. No point in teaching him. I’m
You know what? Give him an outrageous reason that you can’t teach anymore I’m sure he would be glad to drop you. The guy seems so stubborn I’m sure you know how to press his buttons now. Why not go for it on your own terms lol.
Since you’re doing contracted work and not entirely freelance (I’m sure you have dropped the douche a while ago if the latter were the case), I’d go entirely by the book. All the way. No direct contact, no staying longer, no coming earlier, no coming on your days off, no makeup sessions, and no deals without your intermediary. Also if your intermediary asks you if you can make exceptions you say you can’t. They’re the person to deal with the client, not you.
I say this in full support of your best interests – fucking hell, discover your backbone and stand up for yourself. Everyone is fucking you sideways in this situation, including ‘your guy’, who is probably backstabbing you to the client about how shit you are and they’re doing their best. Cancel the student unilaterally, never communicate with this toxic piece of shit again. Do not give a reason other than a truthful one.
Hells no!!! This is about control. Japanese people usually FREAK OUT if they feel like they’re not 100% in control of you. They think that if you work for them they own you. Get out of that toxic nightmare. I just feel bad for the kid.
You put up with a *lot* of ridiculous shit and I think it really comes down to
>I was too scared to stand up for myself
There’s nothing wrong with being non-confrontational, and it’s perfectly normal to have a hard time standing up to a man twice your age… but if you make a conscious effort to learn how to set and hold boundaries, it will really benefit you a lot.
If possible, block his number because 100% he will call you once the company says you’re no longer available. I would also avoid answering any unfamiliar numbers for the next few weeks.
You say that you said 無理 but in the end it sounds like you fold and give him what he wants almost every time. That’s probably part of the reason. Almost every “no” magically turned into a “yes” so you shouldn’t be shocked/surprised that he kept pestering you. You literally taught him that doing it *works*.
Also as someone else said, the “middle man” is absolutely not on your side. That person is there to essentially get the customer to book another lesson/use up another one of their “tokens” so that they can get said customer to buy another block quicker. Nothing more nothing less.
You’re a part-time contractor so essentially just a piece of meat to them, from which they can only make money if you are actively teaching people on their books.
Finally, you might want to prepare for the possibility that this violin contracting company will give you an ultimatum (ie keeping teach M/his child or leave our agency completely) given that “your guy” (doesn’t sound like “your guy” at all) appears to be less than interested in sticking up for you.
I would have told this guy to find another teacher the first time he started to be a dick head.
Tell him his son has an outstanding talent and that you cannot garner to his fullest potential and give a referral to another teacher in the area. Ego stroke for the guy and you are out of dealing with it.
One other “solution”: Try to write up all your time he has wasted on this topic, probably something like 3-4 hours at least, and then reduce the number of lessons accordingly or send him an extra bill for those hours?
wait, sonic 2 movie just came out?
sonic 1 came out like less than a year ago???
That dude sounds like a controlling entitled asshole, who thinks just because he has the money to pay you, he can make you bend backwards as he pleases. Better to draw a line for your own sake.
Why are you working on your day off?
I’m sure the dad doesn’t see you as an actual human, so it is useless to try and appeal to him like that. He treats you like a foot stall so act like a foot stall. No extras, no talking and bare minimum teaching to the kid I’d say
I hope you do manage to never teach at his house again though! I absolutely sympathise, I had a private student who I didn’t like (for different reasons) but he paid me ¥5000 an hour so I couldn’t make myself stop going for a long time. Spent all week every week dreading it though, it definitely isn’t worth it.
You’re a pushover, and he knows it, that’s the problem.
Think about when you deal with your real-estate agency, do they ever concede anything? Not in my experience, that’s how I learned that asking for anything from them is a waste of time and don’t even bother anymore. I hate them with all my heart and soul.
The word of the day is: パワハラ.
That’s what this client is doing, plain and simple.
– The demands for make-up lessons
– Failing to respect your schedule and off days
– Messing you around by making you wait at the door then demanding you make up the time they wasted
– The repeated private contacts
– The demand that you submit to their version of your own darned life (this one was so crazy that I had to read it three times to be sure I understood correctly, because it seems insane)
And this client is clearly getting off on your discomfort. Like most bullies he’s probably getting pleasure from harassing you. He won’t willingly stop, and his behaviour will almost certainly escalate.
You’re 100% right in wanting to get as far away as possible from this client.
However here’s the tricky bit. There is a third party in this relationship, the company you work you. You need to give them a way to save face to the client.
Now what excuse you give them is up to you. I’d suggest adopting an approach that avoids making anyone look bad. Yes, this client is awful, but that doesn’t help the company.
Maybe phrase it as something like, *”I am very sorry, but as you know I will be having some surgery in the near future. Recovery time is always uncertain and this client is already unhappy over missed lessons. To avoid further embarassment to the company and inconvenience to the client I will be withdrawing from teaching this client. Please find them a new teacher. I apologise for the situation, but it is unavoidable for health reasons..”*
This way the company guy can simply say that you had to withdraw “for health reasons”. A nice convenient non-confrontational catch-all category. If pushed he can honestly say that you had to have surgery and is uncertain when you’ll be back.
Then just don’t go back to that client’s home. If the business schedules you lessons with them then just don’t go. If you see one scheduled contact your manager about the “error” in the schedule and make it clear that you’re “busy” at that time and they need to send a replacement. Don’t budge.
This harassment will only escalate if you budge even an inch. I sincerely advise not even one more lesson. No goodbyes, just a nice clean exit. Oh, and block the client’s number on your phone right now.
Your mental health is more important than any job. You’re a highly talented individual (I can’t even play the kazoo!) and your skills are clearly in demand. Your company knows this and while they’ll want an excuse they can offer the client I doubt they’re stupid enough to risk the revenue from your other clients for the sake of one client who is clearly difficult. If they are stupid enough to push you then state this clearly. They can get this one client another teacher, or they can lose you and all the money you bring in from other clients. Violin teachers do not grow on trees.
I have fired clients for equivalent and less. Having boundaries as a private tutor is good. If you are good at what you do, it will not damage your bottom line.
He’ll just move on and find another private teacher to abuse.
Sometimes things can get complicated with how to deal with these situations.
But I think of it more simply.
You did a good thing being flexible at first for a one off situation. That’s good. But he showed he wants to take advantage of your kindness there. At that point going by the book hard is recommended. When he asked to do make-ups the answer should be “I have no free time”. I think he is a manipulator, he will dig dig dig. With these types of people you need to not entertain their manipulations and stick to the simple. “I don’t have availability. Only our scheduled times.” If you have to repeat it a couple times, so he gets it fine.
Another thing is when he asked you to do longer lessons, you could say to him all conversation should go through the middle man because its official that way.
Him wanting you to give back the time is so rediculous he is literally asking you to keep your time open for him without him paying you for it.
Be simple. Have clear boundaries. And dont do any talking with that guy directly. Only go through middle man from now is my suggestion.
Fully fire this student/ his father. There are people that take advantage of absolutely anyone they can to get “a good deal”. Tell him you’re not coming back. Tell your company you’re not going back. I bet this guy goes through through teachers like popcorn, and your company is pressing you to stay on.
This guy knows he can keep pushing, so he does. From here on, stick to the phrase “please contact my company to make arrangements.”
Kind of confused.
You say ‘No’ to things he unreasonably asks, but then you cave and do them, and yet you’re surprised / bewildered / upset by his continuing awful behaviour?
There’s not much anyone can do but yourself here; that much should be clear, no?
But yes, it all sounds infuriating.
You need backbone.
I’m sorry but, “ugh I’ll do it but just know that in the future…” turns into “… I’ll do it…” and everything else is ignored. They see you from then on as lying about other obligations. “Oh that’s the violin teacher that always tries to talk their way out of working by lying that Saturday and Sunday is vacation, you can get whatever you want, just push them hard enough.”
I would also start advertising on JMTY, is there anything like Task Rabbit in Japan?
Lastly, no offense but this is Japan. This is par for the course here. You’d have better luck moving Mt Fuji to Tokyo than changing that part of culture here.
you’re a contractor, so you should have some room to determine the services you provide. In this case just TELL the company that you will no longer teach that client. The company can deal with the client. The company might do some drum beating and threatening, but it’ll be all bark and no bite. If you are well liked by your clients, the company won’t risk angering them by reducing your work or firing you. Also consider joining the general union before negotiating with your company.
Why does it sound like your contractor isn’t doing much in your favor? ’cause you’re just one of their many talents? It sounds like they are just there handling messages. If that’s how you contract works I’ll have no opinions.
TBH if it’s gonna sound this stressful to even read through all those lines it’s probably be better to just quit this one. The world is messy and people really are just trying to find a peaceful place of mind for themselves. There’s nothing wrong in quiting toxic jobs/offers/contracts.
I’ll be rooting for you.
Don’t say that you are 向いてない, it sounds like you are saying you are not good enough to be a teacher.
Make it clear, you are a good teacher, and he is a bad client
At least, that’s what I would do – but you seem to want to keep away from frustration.
Either way, you should definitely get out of this, you’ve let him walk over you for too long. Good luck!
Try to imagine a job and a salary that would be worth losing your mental and emotional health along with your own self-respect and dignity. What kind of hours would it entail? What would be the tasks? Now compare that to what you are doing and ask yourself if it is the same as what you have just imagined. I think the answer to your dilemma will come to you quickly.
On the other hand, please learn a little about what you might have done to help prevent this situation in the future. This guy is used to stepping over and erasing boundaries with a mixture of abuse and muddying the waters.
By agreeing to do makeup lessons when you didn’t need to do it and contacting this guy directly, you have facilitated this situation in a small way. From now on, set clear boundaries with your students and your employer and stick to them like glue. It is harder than it sounds, but it is much easier than dealing with the situation you are in.
There are Japanese, especially guys, that are like that especially if they come from wealth. Stand your ground. Tell your agent that you will not be teaching this student any more. うるさ過ぎ！Walk away… for your health. Violin teachers are not that easy to find.
Also mention that he is too jikochushin, wagamama… and his actions are affecting your work with other students.
> we explained how the system works to him but
Managers of foreigners all across Japan love that line. God forbid anyone asks for an extra ketchup packet at McDonalds, but getting a foreigner to waste hours on their day off because a customer made a pouty face? No problem.
I mean, you don’t even have to give the company a reason why you need to drop the student. It’s your life, they’re not shackling you to this crazy dude.
Just say like 予期せぬ事情によりM様の先生として続けれません。M様からのレッスン要望、対応など以後一切承れませんので、ご了承ください。
He is harassing you. Drop them. Complain to whomever you can that they harassing you.
I was getting stressed just reading this. I would be furious at this insufferable man in your position. absolutely cut him off. seems like his son won’t be missing out on something he loves anyways. god, what a twat he is.
I think you really need to start making a firm boundary for when is your personal time off, cancel this client and move on.
> I just tell him fine I’ll come on Sunday, but as an EXCEPTION
This was your first mistake – you let him have the assumption that you can work anytime, even on your days off.
Don’t let people tread on you like this. Be firm and assertive when you say “no” – whether it’s your day off or you can’t do it for whatever reason.
Speculation: this guy is also bullying you because you’re young and female.
I hate to say it, but your actions/inactions at his behavior and capitulation to every one of his nonsense demands is what is enabling his behavior. He’s a bastard, but why would he not act like this if it gets him everything he wants?
Textbook Japanese creep. (I am not implying that jaapnese men are creeps, I’m saying that the ones who are often have common habits for using aspects of Japanese culture as a weapon against women) Fuck that guy.
Probably it has been pointed out, but I have seen this in a completely different field (teaching IT certifications) and it’s frustratingly common in pretty much any country I’ve been to (HA as though that’s been a lot – I have taught IT in the US, Korea and Japan). So JUST like a few people already mentioned, this is a middleman, passing the buck situation in order for you to take the responsibility and for them to keep the money.
Correct me if I am wrong but teaching violin is (imo) a special skill that makes you a lucrative asset. If your contractor does not understand this, it might be a good idea to start finding another contractor.
You have many good answers already, but this point sticks out to me:
>> I’m thinking of saying something like -先生として向いてないかもしれません。 -Mさんは毎回対応しにくくて、毎回すごくストレスが溜まります。これからもたくさん休む予定ですので、振り替えは残念ながら無理です。
You do not need to make explanations to the end client or to the agency. Simply tell the agency you cannot provide lessons for this client anymore. If they ask why, simply repeat that you cannot take lessons for this client anymore. End of story. The more you try to explain, the more you open yourself up for persuasion and argument and guilt-tripping.
The 40 lessons in the year thing really isn’t on you. That’s an agreement the end client has made with the agency. The agency has had other teachers back out, and it’s their job to placate the client, find a replacement, or figure out how to deal with this guy if he demands a refund. Not yours. That’s the payoff of working with an agency vs private students. You’re accepting lower rates, and in exchange you get to outsource the legwork of finding new clients and dealing with administrative junk and interfacing with difficult clients. Effectively, you’re paying the agency to deal with headaches so you don’t have to. (You’ve actually met the kid, so you have a better handle on it than us, but the pushy, multi instrument demanding, “is she blond?” parent sounds to me like someone who may well have burned through other teachers or other agencies already.)
And as another poster said, if your other lessons are going well, there’s a good chance your agency will keep you on anyway, since it would be a massive pain in the ass for them to find another violin teacher and explain to all your existing students why there’s been a change. It might put a damper on things with this agency in the future (e.g. they might be less inclined to intro you to new students), but as a vendor, you’ve got options. Sign up with their competitors.
Edit: Oh, also, your writing is great, and your intelligence really shines through. You’ve obviously got a lot to offer your clients. Don’t waste your time with ones that make your hours unpleasant. Or if you do, charge them 4x as much.
i live here from about 11 years now, and after 7 years i figure out that if you’re “gentle” you’ll have some bad time here ( actually a lot from my point of view ) then i just switched me to be just cold and rude to everyone, and magically my bad time and feelings here’s gone.
i like to do this “rude” part? no.. but i can’t live without that anymore ( here )
Tell your guy to change the teacher to another teacher because you refuse to teach this guy any more.
I wanna hear the parent’s side of the story!
Oh girl, you’re me. I work as a freelance translator/ VIP attend and always feel responsible or bad causing a problem with saying no to some job. Especially if I had already said yes, but then something huge comes up, like a best friends wedding or parents in Japan for the first time in years! And I’m like “nooo I committed… I can’t say no. All the trouble I will cause”. Coz of all the stupid 責任感
I usually end up missing that important thing, but recently my SO tells me to just say no, and when I do, my agents usually like “yeh okay”.
意外と責任感じてるのは自分だけだから
Even if they don’t say ok, it’s not the end of the world. You’re replaceable, this kid won’t die if you leave. Mental health is so much more important.
You should ditch the company ASAP, they aren’t doing anything to help you and they don’t seem to want to. No student or job is worth your mental well being.
why don’t you just drop his kid as a student?
what am I missing?
This biggest problem is that you’re being a pushover. He’ll keep pushing because he can and keeps getting away with it. You can’t expect him to magically have a change of heart and stop or for somebody to step in and fix it for you. You didn’t have to write all this out, you’ve identified the problem, now get rid of it.
Totally unrelated, but where can I sign up for the lessons? I am a working adult btw. 😅 Hope you get your mental health back in check. Good luck!
Is there an update on this situation? I’m super curious.