The situation is as ridiculous as the titled suggests.
My husband (edit: who is Japanese) said he has realised that the reason so many yankii/yankee guys look at me is because they see my blonde hair and think I’m a stupid/yankee girl, because most normal Japanese girls over age 22 don’t have light blonde hair.
I said okay but I countered it by saying surely when they see my face they realise I’m a gaijin and not a yankee so who cares? And also I think all kinds of people look at me because I’m a gaijin (he has often complained about ossan looking at me too…)
But he doesn’t budge. He then went off and said that maybe the guys looking at me are my type so he gets annoyed. When I say that no one is my type and I’m absolutely not looking at anyone else he just snaps, “this is my feelings, it isn’t about you!” ?? 🙁
He also said because he’s a bit older than me (10yrs difference) he feels insecure. When guys my age look at me he feels like I’m part of “their group” and not with him anymore. Again, I said that I unequivocally don’t look at anyone and I only care about him but he just said that doesn’t matter…
So as a result, we didn’t go to a fireworks event this evening because he thought a lot of yankee guys would be there and look at me.
He’s absolutely paranoid about men looking at me and talking to me. I think he feels insecure and emasculated when people stare at me right in front of him… but he thinks the reason for them staring is that I’m pretty, not that I’m a gaijin.
He seems to think I’m a lot prettier than I actually am (which I’m happy about but not in these situations…). I believe people stare at me because I’m a gaijin, not because I’m attractive.
Anyway, besides dying my hair black, does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this situation? Or something to share from the male perspective that may help me understand how to deal with this? Thanks
49 comments
From a male perspective, he’s being an irrational idiot.
If you listen to him and dye your hair he’ll find something else to complain about.
Where do you live? I haven’t seen any of those dudes in ages. Sad that he’s so insecure. Not likely to get better, you know.
Your husband is 100% fetishizing you and the implications of what he’s saying are pretty damn gross. Blaming the behavior of other men on you and treating you like you’re promiscuous because of your appearance as a foreigner is racist. And then for him to compare you with Japanese women as if you’re inferior to them and should aspire to emulate their looks and behavior is a whole other level of fucked up.
Personally, it sounds like you made a huge mistake in your spouse.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this controlling behaviour continues and/or escalates.
Tons of women here in Tokyo, university age to much older than 22, have blonde highlights, or full blonde hair.
Your husband has insecurities and is blaming you for them.
You may want to think careful about what to do next, also how to handle it, because guys like him only get worse.
Not to be rude but he sounds like a Japanese guy? I mean the whole society is about blending in and not sticking out and all that. He liked you when you were different but now it’s been long enough he expected you to change and start blending in more probably. If he married a more traditional Japanese girl he wouldn’t have this issue.
It’s made him uncomfortable now because it draws any attention. It should make you uncomfortable because he should have known this from the start. You are not a traditional Japanese girl and he needs to realize what that means. That’s going to be really hard for you guys to figure out.
Your husband is right in when he said it’s about him and not you, so don’t try adapt to his insecurity.
I’m no expert but maybe try to cheer him up, remind him why he’s important to you and maybe he’ll gain some confidence.
Why don’t you sit down and lay out some boundaries? He is obviously insecure, perhaps from some past trauma or baggage from childhood who knows, but it’s unfair of him to project that onto you and you need to be clear about that. Of course reassure him, but also let him know that by him projecting these insecurities onto you, not only is it unfair to you, but it’s damaging to the relationship and he needs to do some self-reflection to tackle those thoughts. You can work together with him to tackle those thoughts, but you ultimately need to have a serious talk because it will not fix itself and it could escalate into bigger issues in the future.
Your solution is to communicate your concerns and be firm about your boundaries. If you try that amicably and that doesn’t work and it blows up, *then* you can reevaluate the relationship.
At least he seems honest by admitting his insecurity. Unfortunately, he’ll probably probably remain so for a while, hopefully he’ll get used to it. But it is unlikely that it is just about the hair.
I would say your husband definitely needs therapy for his insecurity, but I don’t think that’s really an option in Japan. You definitely need to talk with him about this, because it’s having an impact on your marriage. It is about him, but he needs to find a way to address and deal with it rationally.
Ok, so even if he thinks they look, so what? Shouldn’t that make him feel good, that they think you’re hot and he’s the one you picked to marry? His mentality just makes absolutely no sense, very irrational. Hopefully you can talk it through with him, but his insecurities are something he needs to work on.
Just divorce him, he’s already manipulating you and making you feel like shit.
Men who seek partners far younger in age, like your husband, tend to be immature control freaks. They want relationships with imbalanced power dynamics. I wish you well in breaking through to your husband, but he is probably set in his ways.
I was in a relationship where the other person was insecure like that and it never stops. I really don’t think there is a solution to this kind of thing. You either sacrifice your own freedom and sanity to put up with what he wants to do, or move on.
Your husband’s insecurities are massive and handicapping. He’s terrified that he’s going to lose you to someone else, but what he doesn’t realize is that manifesting his fears and letting that affect the relationship is ultimately more damaging than 100 different guys looking at you while outside.
If I were you, what I might say to him – look, I understand that this is how you feel, and it’s not my place to tell you how you should feel. All I can do is tell you how I feel. It doesn’t matter if 10 or 100 guys are looking at me, or why. I love you, I want to be with you. I’m married to you, you’re my husband. You have to trust me, that I’m not going anywhere. And even if 100 guys stare at me because they think I’m super attractive, stand proud to know that I’m yours. I wanted to go to the fireworks festival, and I want to go out and do things together with you. I’m sad and disappointed that we couldn’t. Is giving in to your insecurities worth that?
As a male giving my perspective, he needs to get that insecurity under control. It doesn’t matter if guys are looking at you with intent. (Most are probably staring because gaikokujin, and folks here don’t know how to MYOB)
Even if they DID have intent, if you don’t reciprocate, then it’s whatever. Being older than your partner is not a big deal. But that overprotective attitude and jealousy isn’t attractive, from a man or woman. And it’s to the point it is messing up relationship moments.
Tell him not to make his problems your problems
This isn’t the first time you have complained about him publicly. He sounds extremely insecure and immature, and frankly I don’t know what you see in him.
Why are you still married to him? Do you even like him? Do you have kids together or something? I’m struggling to understand why you put up with this controlling behaviour if you can see the red flags. Is it a visa thing? How long have you been married?
I had a boyfriend like this once and turned out he was cheating on me and even had another girlfriend on the side.
My husband is Japanese, and I have natural red hair, for context.
My husband has never acted this way. He knows I get the gaijin stare, but his response has been to stare right back at them, in a slightly menacing way to get them to realise they are being idiots. He does this even if I don’t notice the stare. He wants to protect me. He also went out of his way to get a non-Japanese style haircut so that now I am not the only “unicorn” that people are staring at. I think he is marvelous.
It sounds like your husband is suffering from insecurity issues. Talk to him, and keep comforting him, till you turn blue in the face. If he is a reasonable person he should realise that these are his issues and attempt to make a change so that the two of you can be much happier.
>besides dying my hair black, does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?
Ask your husband to dye his hair blonde, if he loves you.
Like he said, it’s HIS problem, not yours. Don’t dye your hair; it won’t help with HIS INSECURITY. He will find something else to complain about. Either you guys work together (this is not what you can solve by yourself) or break up. Don’t let his negative thoughts get to you.
He should really go to therapy. He’s insecure and thats causing him to be controlling. He’s ultimately self sabotaging, because in the end if he’s jealous and controlling he’ll probably lose you because of it. You’re not doing anything wrong.
I was wondering if you were the same person who wrote [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/comments/vifcj6/weekly_complaint_thread_23_june_2022/ideqlug/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) a few weeks back, and sure enough…
idk what to tell you except that he’s gotta learn to trust you and get over whatever insecurities he has. Good luck, wishing the best for you.
This behavior is indicative of a pretty poisonous attitude coming from your husband. I encourage having a very blunt conversation in which you articulate that this is unacceptable. You won’t skip social events and you won’t wear a burqa to appease his sensitivities, period. No compromise.
There’s no justification; his feelings don’t matter; he’s just wrong and doing something unacceptable and he must stop immediately and unconditionally. If you don’t draw a bright “I will dump your ass” line on this kind of thing, it will proliferate, there will be more bullshit like this, and it will take over your life.
He won’t go to therapy. He won’t change. Reconsider wasting the next 5-10 years of your life until you can’t take anymore and leave. Trust me, I’ve been there, twice. I also have several friends here married to dudes like your husband. He’s not the best you can do
Run
Just saying… you can enjoy fireworks without him. :/
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Maybe a lot of people said this already, but 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
@OP it sounds like he is testing your boundaries for controlling behavior. These problems are completely his problems and you should tell him to fix them himself. Changing yourself to fix his made up problems will never work as if you dye your hair he will imagine a new problem.
Considering the behavior I see often with local males, I also would wonder if he’s making up excuses to not go out together because -he- doesn’t want to be seen with you. Not because of any issue with you, but because of possible infidelity and being caught by mistresses (or, as an excuse to make more time for going out with them instead).
How long have you been married?
Yeah wtf?
My gf just colored her hair blonde (she is jp) and i dont give a shit
You do you. If he doesn’t like it, its his problem
Dump the idiot and find another guy
You’re reaching out for help (more than once) and the resounding response is clear. You need to stand up for who and what you believe in and have some respect for yourself as a woman so as not to be manipulated or dominated into submission over the inadequacies of a wounded man; and you should also do the right thing to make him understand that his behaviour is self generated and overly sensitive which will cause the breakdown of the relationship…….. Ohhhhhhh perhaps he’s already decided and is making the moves to destroy the relationship and make it look like it was your fault.
You divorce the controlling asshole. That’s how you solve the problem.
He’s irrationally possessive and he’s probably isolating you from your friends.
Lol what an insecure looser . Sorry you married such an imbecile . Tell him to grow up or leave him . Lol
This ain’t about your hair.
That’s not a healthy marriage going forward, is it…
I’ve seen quite a few situations of foreign women with Japanese male partners like this. From the patterns, this is the start of him trying to control little by little. Giving into his insecurity now might be the start of a snowball effect of other aspects of your looks, behavior, or actions he will start to control and complain about.
I’m going to play devils advocate since the overwhelming majority of people on Japan subreddits tend to play the racism, sexism, or fetish cards right away.
I’m assuming since you married him that he has redeeming qualities about him that you love and this one thing might be that outlier. So I’ll continue under that assumption.
It’s highly possible he’s just extremely insecure or has conservative values that only came into play as he got more serious about your relationship. As a male, in my own personal experience, my wife’s suddenly conservative views only came out after we had a baby.
The first one was me and other women:
I explained to my wife that I had female friends and that in western culture it’s fine to hang out together. And she was fine with that until the baby. Then it she started feeling insecure, not because of jealousy but the negative social impact to the family. When it was just us, nobody would make rumors or care. Once a baby is involved everyone and their mother is watching me like a hawk and will spread rumors like “so and so was with a woman last week. I saw them at the convenience store!” You’d think we could shrug these things off but Japanese gossip has a way to making it back to your work and other aspects of your life. So she asked me to refrain from being alone with female friends due to that. I obliged because having been here long enough, I know how much social homogeny is important to Japanese. Now I just do group outings.
The second change was my attire.
Before I would dress in loose sports wear 24/7. But after the baby being born, I was asked to dress more father like when we’re out with the baby (I can dress however I want when I’m on my own). Once again, social perception played a role.
I’m not saying this is the case with you two, but just some insight. It’s always possible that this same sudden conservativeness is happening to him. I’m not defending it either. Just posing a possible reason.
That being said, I don’t think you need to dye your hair but you might need to do a little extra to make him feel more secure. If he isn’t against PDA, embrace him or give him subtle ego massages about how much better he is than the Yankees. Etc etc. We always assume our partners just know these things, but you’d be surprised how much their demeanor changes when you say it out loud. I now make it a habit to tell my wife how grateful I am that she always goes out of her way to take care of the home stuff, the complicated paperwork , or whatever else she does; just so she knows that I do notice and do acknowledge it.
I’m assuming that if he was a ___gaijin hunter___ you would have noticed the signs by now. And you made the choice if you’re okay with it or not. So for all those saying he’s fetishizing you….blah blah. We don’t know. Only you do.
Having lived in Kansai before, I kind of see his point. There are a lot of Yankee who will hit on married and “taken” women. So if he has been around that all his life and is super insecure, he must be a nervous wreck. It seems that he thinks he struck out lucky with this beautiful wife. And if he thinks he is nowhere near your level (ignoring your thoughts right now. Going purely off of his inner thoughts only), than it makes sense to a degree. And if this is the case, the only thing that can rectify it would be to have a heart to heart in a calm environment and carefully explaining how you feel and why he shouldn’t feel insecure. You love him and only him and even if some random chad (yosuke? What would be a chad name in Japan? Haha) makes a pass at you, you’ll just ignore them since you only have eyes for your husband.
I think before we all assume the worse, you two need to figure things out. Have a long discussion, figure out exactly what you two want and how to compromise or improve the situation. If nothing works and you two can never come to a compromised then that’s when you have to consider your circumstances.
For now, I’d say don’t give too much weight to random people reddit comments. We’re all looking in from outside and are jaded by past experiences. We don’t know your situation or if his is a one off thing. Do what you can to work it out between yourselves and then if nothing works, you’ll have to do some soul searching.
**Good luck OP! I wish you the best outcome, whatever that may be.**
u/sillygoose4327
This is a him issue not a you issue. He’s insecure to an unhealthy degree and he’s lacking faith and trust in you. This is really not good for a relationship and will only lead to further issues down the road.
Nothing you do is going to make this better because this isn’t your fault and you’re not doing anything wrong. He needs to recognize that he’s being unreasonable and unfair to you and he needs to have some trust in you that you aren’t going to go off with some other guy.
He needs to gain some confidence in himself too. Obviously you like him for a reason. I hope that he can recognize that this is a problem and work toward solving it and stop snapping at you in the meantime. He’s afraid of losing you but his behavior is only going to ensure just that.
Girl, your post is full of red flags about this dude.
Please, you deserve better, leave. It WILL escalate.
Tell him to stfu and go to the fireworks show.
As another man, he’s being a huge baby and just reading this pisses me off.
Good luck, sigma has adult-sized diapers.
Does your guy have any redeeming qualities or
I can promise you, dying your hair black won’t solve anything. He’ll find another thing to complain and blame you about, because he’s an insecure and controlling man.
Unless he’s willing to go to therapy and learn to deal with his own issues, this isn’t gonna get any better for you and if anything, it’ll only get worse.
Edit: I saw your post history… He deliberately ruins his health and finances to punish you, and doesn’t want you seeing your friends because their husband might want you? Girl, you *have* to know this isn’t healthy. Get out before he gets you pregnant. You’re in danger.
This along with your comment history history of;
> My husband doesn’t want me to go for dinner with my friend, her new husband and our two other female friends who I haven’t seen in 2 years. My friend even invited him but he declined as he is quite introverted, but that’s not a problem
>His list of very legit reasons include the new husband looks like a yankee, drinks/smokes a lot, looks charai, is a surfer so he’s a party boy, looks like a girls bar owner (???), married my friend so he is a gaijin-hunter, will definitely be interested in me and will definitely try to hit on me (?????)
>Nevermind the fact the dinner is to celebrate MY FRIEND’S NEW MARRIAGE. And even if he is all of those things, who cares??? It’s my friends husband… why would that matter to me?
>My husband is extremely protective of me and is insecure himself. I guess he got used to me being in the house 24/7 due to covid. I don’t want to make him upset, but come on dude for Christ’s sake
And
> My husband tends to engage in mildly self-destructive behaviour after we have even the smallest disagreement. For example he’ll over-eat some unhealthy food or gamble money away on the stock market, then say his life is shit and try to blame me for it
>I used to get really really upset by this, feeling like I’d made him do it and it was my fault. I used to try everything to fix it. But now I realise that it is his own behaviour. I feel quite indifferent and just say へー when he tells me. Does that make me cold-hearted?
>I hate upsetting him. I suspect he suffers from mild depression in these times, but I’m no expert. The rest of the time we are fine and very happy. It only happens about once every 2 months, but I’m secretly selfishly relieved that I’ve somehow learned to save my tears and heartache. I just wait it out until he calms back down instead of crying and making it worse. Sigh. Relationships are hard 🙁
I know it’s a meme to recommend divorce on Reddit but just divorce the guy holy shit. I’m guessing you’re like his only serious/longterm relationship ever? I’d bet 5万円 he’s the type of guy who *had* to marry the foreigner and the woman 10 years younger than him because any Japanese women/women his age would pick up on his crazy way before marriage. He had to find some young, foreign girl with rose coloured glasses who would not catch on to his bs until he could lock it down with marriage.
I speak from experience as well, I have been through a divorce, so I know the implications and how it’s difficult and I’m not recommending it Willy nilly