How to make better connections at school?

16 comments

1. “but I don’t speak Japanese”

   Fix this. Even if you only speak some, use it on people if they seem like they’re interested **and have time**.

   A good amount of language acquisition is… using said language.

2. As for the kids, you can’t force them to be social with you. They’ll say hello because saying hello is expected of them. Eventually you’ll be able to tell the difference between a genuine hello and a perfunctory hello.

   But they have their own lives, clubs, friends. The ones who want to talk to you will decide when it happens. Some students with great English would talk to me in class, but were never interested in chatting outside of class while others were fairly terrible at English but would wait outside the teachers room for my co-JET and I to leave so they could try and chat with us for as long as possible. It just depends on the interest and attitude of the student.

3. Getting along with the kids depends on the age range. I don’t believe you specified the school level, so I’m going to assume elementary for my suggestions.

   Interactions aren’t solely communication based. They’re probs just as nervous as you, you dont speak much Japanese, they’re not confident in their English. Go a different route. Sports, games and the like don’t require that much communication. Play with the kids during recess and lunch. Learning how to say “Can I join” in Japanese isn’t too difficult a task. When they get more used to you and your presence in the school, they will be more likely to acknowledge you with more than a cordial hello in the hallway.

   Dont be so serious at school either. Many look down on playing the clown to fit in, but it works to a degree. Be funny, and kids will like you

   Its already been said, but yeah. Work on your Japanese. I know we’re here to teach them English, but kids will open up when they know you have some level of Japanese

   In any case, good luck

4. Really comes down to Japanese knowledge. You can be the most outgoing person but if you’re not speaking Japanese to the kids hourly they’re not gonna accept you. 90% of kids do not want anything to do with speaking english and I don’t blame them. Study japanese harder and ask the students to teach you stuff.

5. Go to the drinking party. Get super drunk. Find the person with the best English and open your heart out.

   This is the way.

   Edit: To be clear, this isn’t sarcasm. This is how Japan works. If you don’t drink, pour drinks for people who do.

6. First piece of advice, don’t compare yourself to other ALT’s so much. Their situation and yours can be entirely different due to factors beyond your control (friendlier or more outgoing teachers, different Japanese level, etc.). They may have troubles in different areas too that you don’t know about. Nothing wrong with asking for advice from them if they seem to be doing something you are struggling with, but be open to the idea that its just a difference in circumstances and factors outside your control and you may have to be a bit more patient.

   Second, just that, be patient! You’ve only been here a month. You are new and the staff and kids aren’t used to you yet, and while they are your primary focus during the day, you are not theirs. Unless you are at a high academic/international oriented high school, English is going to be a low priority for most of your students. For your JTE’s you are only a part time helper, they still have to worry about teaching their full class schedule when you are not there AND the standards and expectations they are judged by are far tougher than they are for you. You are a temporary worker, this is their career. Even if it becomes yours too, they can’t assume that because your path is necessarily different from theirs.

   Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t form meaningful friendships and relationships with your coworkers and/or your students. Absolutely you can, but it won’t be with everyone, and it will likely take time.

   Here are some things you can think about/do:

   1. Don’t be a burden/hassle to your JTE’s as much as possible. Obviously you are going to need information from them to plan lessons, so you’ll have to talk to them sometimes, even if they are busy with a million things. And sometimes you need to ask a question because you don’t know how things work and they do and they are the only ones who you can ask. Thats fair. But beyond that, be respectful of their time. If they are busy try not to bother them. If they are in a hurry, don’t stop them for a casual chat. Take advantage of downtime to engage with them, sure, but be mindful of their other responsibilities.
   2. Be as helpful as possible. Can you take on tasks, even small ones, that would make their life a little easier? Go for it! Either ask them to let you do simple things like take attendance or pass out worksheets, etc. or if you notice something that can be done and you can do it, do it! It doesn’t need to be the biggest thing either, even small things will help.
   3. Omiyage! When you travel, even domestically, bring back a little something. You don’t need to break the bank, but treats are an easy way to get on peoples good side. I usually bought small items that the whole teaching staff could share, and then got something a little more substantial for the JTE’s I worked with.
   4. Be on time, in fact be early. Don’t leave them worrying if you will show up for the day only to roll in at the last technically allowed minute. If you are late they have to deal with it. Mistakes happen and its not the end of the world if it happens once (Hey we all have bad days) but don’t make a habit out of it. And, don’t be afraid to hang around after school a bit to help out, do some of your work, etc. This helps with the students too. Some days I’d spend some time in the afternoon dropping by different clubs. Not for the whole time, but just dropping in (where it wasn’t disruptive) and interacting with the students.. Nearly all of them either appreciated it or were at least not bothered.
   5. Engage your students in Japanese outside of class. It can be bad Japanese, and yeah, they might laugh at you (kids do that) but it can also help break the ice and further, show them that its OK to make mistakes when learning another language. A lot of them are probably reluctant to speak to you in English because THEY are afraid of making mistakes. I made mistakes in Japanese ALL THE TIME, but we could still communicate at least basic ideas. If I say a really good drawing in art club I could say “sugoi!”, if I missed a basket when dropping by the basketball club I could say “zannen” or “warui”.
   6. What topics are they interested in? If you see a particular character on their pencil pouch or backpack you recognize too (say Mickey Mouse or Doraemon) say something about it “Oh I like Mickey Mouse too!”. Attack on Titan was huge when I was doing JET. When I got to the part of my self introduction where I talked about my family I made sure to emphasize my nephew, who shared the same name as one of the main characters. The kids (particularly the boys, its Jr High) thought that was soooo cooool (as if I had any control over the naming).
   7. Try to make your class as fun as you can, obviously you still need to teach to whatever material your JTE’s ask for, but YOU aren’t going to be judged on the curriculum like they are, you often have a lot more freedom. I tried to do more games and activities around the grammar, different from the worksheets and lectures they normally got. When your class is at least a LITTLE fun, it stands out compared to their regular classes and they start to look forward to when you visit.
   8. Accept that most of the students and probably the JTE’s aren’t gonna be your besties. Its ok to connect more closely with a smaller subset, teachers have favorites and its often the ones who make an effort to connect with them too. If you have a student who talks to you after class or in class more often, or who seems particularly interested in English, make a point to get to know them better, learn their name, remember what they like. You won’t be everyones favorite teacher but at least you might be the favorite for a few of them.

   And again, be patient. You are still learning the ropes, adjusting, etc. IMO the second year is way easier because of the knowledge you pick up along the way. Work on getting settled in, finding your groove, etc. and don’t try and do it all at once.

7. It’s the middke of the semester so don’t worry about getting to know people now. Wait til summer when it’s quieter.

   If you’re sporty, find the club teachers and ask to join the morning work outs during summer (this way you’re not bothering them during drills or actual training). Use that time to get to know teachers and students. I did this with basketball and track n field (and ended up teaching Track tumbling and floor work on rainy days).

   If you’re not sporty, ask to observe the arts clubs and once you’ve asked permission a few times, just make it a habit to show up. I did this with tea club and drums. The girls taught me some of the tea ceremony after a while and I learned the movements for the Japanese castanet.

   It sounds very biased right now. So maybe double check you’re not just being sensitive by asking yourself “have they actually said or done anything to suggest I’m being a pain?” More than likely it’s just a feeling you have, because i also have that feeling! I’m very shy so always have to check myself and say “come on, just do it.” And usually there’s never a problem!

   Don’t compare yours to other alts’ experiences. My best friend would have Friday night dinners at his colleagues because he was from new Orleans and his colleague’s wife played jazz piano. I got taken out on yachts during summer and pretty much left alone during semester. Others had colleagues who went out with them a lot at night or even went to pink bars… You’ve been here a month, the chances you’ll get a super lovely accommodating colleague who wants to be your best friend and great students who’ll approach you first are astronomical! Just focus on you for the time being, and being a good worker and figuring out what you want to do while you’re in Japan. Maybe your colleagues won’t factoe into that. That’s fine. Most my friends don’t leave and keep in touch with their colleagues but they do with the community members they made friends through shared hobbies and interests.

   You’re probably doing a lot better than you realize

   P.s. you said you wanna have positive relationships with colleagues and students. You need to figure out what that actually means, cause I’d wager just getting through every day and doing your job un-bothered by bad relationships is “positive!”

8. I’ve worked with and known many ALTs over the years, and I can tell you that teachers quickly learn to not get too close to the super new ALTs. It’s just a horrible use of our time. And I don’t mean this in a judgmental way. It’s simply a practical consideration.

   A lot of the things that you probably want help with are things that you’ll figure out if you watch what others do, or if you get online, or if you ask other ALT friends. But if you think you can get the answers from a friendly teacher at school you’ll keep going back to them for help again and again, and they won’t be able to get their job done.

   Another factor is that a lot of the socializing that teachers do happens in the evening after you go home. When we finish club activities at 6:30, we might chat with another teacher for 10 or 20 minutes before leaving, for example. You probably aren’t around that time, so you don’t have that chance. It’s not your fault, but it’s not something that anyone can fix.

   One final thing is that many or most first year ALTs have strong opinions about how education should or shouldn’t be done, but a lot of those opinions are based on very limited information on what’s actually happening in the schools around them, and why. So even if you’re talking about education, maybe other teachers expect that you won’t have any new insights because you’re not yet aware of how things really work.

   I think other people gave you good advice on what to do, so I just wanted to explain what teachers around you might be thinking, and why they probably aren’t trying to make a lot of time for you.

   If you’re going to school during summer vacation, probably people will be able to hang out and chat much more than they have so far.

9. Try not to read into to much. It can sometimes feel like there’s this expectation that your JTE should be your best friend and invite you over for dinner etc. But a lot of the time they’re married with kids and have lives of their own. They’re just busy. It’s not a reflection on you if people aren’t rolling out the red carpet for you and offering to take you places left and right. JET’s marketing and stories from other JETs make it seem like that’s the norm, but in my experience it’s really not. Everyone, JTEs, other teachers, the kids, all have their own lives going on. These instant, deep, profound, life altering experiences that you have from the second you land in Japan are the minority of experiences, but get made to feel like the majority via marketing.

   That’s not to say you won’t make connections, have life altering experiences, etc. But relationships take time to develop and life altering experiences don’t happen every day. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’ll meet people and make connections. Maybe with the people in your school, maybe with people outside of school. Just keep putting yourself out there, and it’ll happen. Just not quickly

10. I was in a similar position and sort of still am. I’m also a naturally shy person and making conversation, in another language as well, is sort of hard. However, a big part of it was just me overthinking everything.

    Don’t compare your situation with another ALTs, there’s no reason to do so. The grass is always greener. Some folks seem to be best friends with their JTEs but that’s probably due to various factors out of your control. Instead, just focus on your situation and who you can befriend.

    It may feel like you can’t getting close to them, but that’s probably because they’re just busy. I found that the teachers at my school actually liked me because, well, I started chatting up my JTEs whenever there was a chance. Even simple pleasantries and staying out of the other teachers ways helps them grow founder of you as well.

    But at the end of day, they’re just coworkers. There doesn’t and most likely, wont be anything deeper than that. Just having good relationships are enough, find meaningful connections outside of work.

    As for the students, be approachable and make an effort to talk to them. A lot of the time, they seem like they don’t want to talk mainly because of the language barrier. They get nervous and shut down.

    A big part of how I got over my shyness is to just stop overthinking things. I jsut accepted that I can be a clown and do whatever I want because I’m not afraid to be judged by children and the staff finds it easier to approach me.

    At the end of the day, it’s only been a month. It’ll take time for the students to warm up and the staff as well. Just get comfortable in your position and work from there. Make yourself seem open and available for communication and the pieces should all fall into place.

11. As someone teaching now in Japan, but not in a JHS environment, I will tell you how much time I would have in a week to sit around chat with a new ALT:

    0 hours, 0 minutes.

    Given JHS teachers are some of the most overworked in the world, they simply do not have the time and energy for you to be on their radar.

    The number one thing I can suggest for your JTEs is to offer to help with their marking or class/test prep.

    Failing that, bring biscuits or chocolate for everyone on Wednesday or Friday. At least they will like you as “the ALT that brings me chocolate for my coffee time”.

    In general though, I wouldn’t be looking to your schools to fulfill your socialising needs in Japan.

12. This is normal. New job adjustment phase and culture shock adjustment phase are both in play. Japanese office chatter culture is a bit different than what you are used to as well. Language barrier also makes communication difficult so when the teachers are busy or tired they don’t really feel like expending the energy to get around it.

    If you’re shy unfortunately you’re going to have to force yourself out of your comfort zone.

13. Hello! Don’t get discouraged, you have only been here a month and it will definitely take time before you will be able to make connections with your teachers and students. I got here last year and I am still working on getting the kids more comfortable with me. It has only been a month so I am sure the kids are still trying to feel you out and they might be just as shy (honestly probably even more shy than you) and thats why they won’t approach you. I think its okay right now if you are just kind by saying “hello” and at the end of the day saing “See you” for now. Once time has past a little bit, maybe add on more like “hello, how are you?”. I made a thread recently about getting closer to the students and one person suggested talking to them any chance you get when they have a break like after lunch, between classes, etc. It won’t be easy but they will warm up to you quicker this way. It really does require a lot of work on your part is what I have learned since being here, so don’t expect them to go out of their way to talk to you (co-workers or students). They are in their natural environment everyday, so if you think about it, whats easier? Talking to a stranger with a language barrier or talking to your co-workers who you’ve known a while that know the same language as you on a native level. I don’t say any of this to be discouraging, but to put into perspective the reality of the situation. Once I realized these things it was easier to put myself out there because I knew nothing would change unless I put the work in and my hard work is starting to pay off. I also don’t know much Japanese so I use broken Japanese to talk to my teachers and they sometimes use broken English back, which oddly is enough for us to get the message across. Doing silly gestures to get your point acoss is also a great and a funny way to lighten the mood too with your co-workers or students. Good luck OP, don’t give up!!

14. I don’t have any great advice, but I can share my experience as someone who kind of felt the same way. I have a resting angry face/ naturally downturned eyebrows and who knows what else that probably makes me outwardly unapproachable. I can definitely be considered a quiet and reserved person around strangers.

    In my classes (high school), I am very animated and open with myself and whatever I’m talking about. Even showing up to English club whenever they are having it and let me know. Still, it felt like students were a bit cautious.

    We finally had a sports day last week. The first one I was present for because I was a 2020 who showed up in November. Not sure what happened, but students started flocking to me on that day (maybe because I was outside rooting for them and watching the whole time). Everyone wanted to pose for pictures. I just think that kind of fun environment and the students seeing me in it helped them realize that I’m not a scary guy. We’ve moved on to more students saying hi voluntarily outside of their classes and things seem to be improving.

    In the end, as others have said in this sub, we are our own worst critics. I’m sure you’re doing much better than you give yourself credit for. Just try to relax and be yourself. You’ve got this.

15. Seconding what everyone else has said. This is normal. As a more introverted person, here are some things that worked for me.

    1) Omiyage – is great, but SNACKS IN GENERAL can be a conversation starter too. You don’t have to limit yourself to travel souvenirs. For a while, my office developed a culture of everybody just bringing random snacks to share which started because I’d bake things for ESS club and share them with other teachers.

    2) Students can be shy. Instead of direct conversation, give them other ways to reach out to you, like with an interactive English board. I put up mostly blank posters outside the English department along with sticky notes and a basket of pens. Each month there would be a question written on top, like “What did you do this summer?” followed by “Please write in English!” Students who *never* spoke to me would write on the posters.

16. One thing I found: don’t necessarily try to get buddy-buddy with people individually (that just freaks them out) but rather with the larger group.

    To that end, make sure you’re attending school events – assemblies, staff meetings, PTA events, etc…. Not even necessarily being an active participant; just show up and look friendly. It’s a good way to take the edge off with new coworkers