I came to Japan in October. Originally my husband was supposed to follow me shortly after, but we’ve been unable to get him a dependent visa because of COVID, and now the borders have closed completely once again. I can’t visit home because I won’t be allowed back into Japan. I’ve been struggling increasingly with loneliness. I don’t speak Japanese (my husband does, but he’s not here so…) I video call my husband every day but it’s not enough. I need things like hugs. I’m becoming unbearably miserable, to the point where I’m barely able to function at work. I asked my company, but I’m not allowed have a dog in company housing.
I feel like everyone who has ever been an ALT has endured these conditions and they’ve been fine. But I can’t— am I just weak? I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it to the end of my contract like this. Does anyone have any advice?
36 comments
You could hang out with other ALTs. Or go to Meetups. There’s an app called meetup which has tons of social events 🙂
Don’t give up! I was lonely too but I started learning other skills and began to value my own time.
I dont have an advise but I just want to let you know you are not alone in this, but it does get easier. Hope your husband comes into Japan soon after this whole over blowing omicron situation.
If you are not happy then just go back home. Honestly, it’s not worth being miserable right ?
I’m sorry. This is a really terrible situation to be in.
>I feel like everyone who has ever been an ALT has endured these conditions and they’ve been fine. But I can’t— am I just weak? I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it to the end of my contract like this. Does anyone have any advice?
So, on one hand, you’re absolutely right that every ~~ALT~~ immigrant to Japan has a potential to have to deal with loneliness. But there’s a huge difference between a person who is single, moving to a new country knowing they will be single there, and a person who has made a commitment to marrying someone who expects every opportunity to bring their spouse with them, and then suddenly circumstances change. Add to that that we’re entering into the holiday season most famous for family togetherness (both according to most of our home cultures and the host culture) *and* you’re probably hitting about the time that the new, shiny welcome-to-Japan feeling starts to wear a bit thin. No wonder it’s hard!
So you aren’t weak for struggling with this. I’ve met tons of happily single non-Japanese teachers over the years who took it for granted that they will not be spending the holidays in Japan before the pandemic hit, so great was the potential for loneliness. You’re perfectly normal for finding this hard, and I think you should forgive yourself for that.
But I also think that though it’s hard, getting through the loneliness is possible here. If you don’t have a local friend circle, you need to try and find one. If that means hanging out with a bunch of English speakers you met through [Meetup.com](https://Meetup.com) , do that. If you can’t get a dog, go to a dog cafe (or cat cafe, or see if a local pet shelter will let you socialize their animals). Study a little elementary Japanese, if for nothing else than to take your mind off things. Make sure you take a walk outside regularly and people-watch. Take a train somewhere local you’ve never been to and just walk around a bit. You can do this.
I hope things get better for you. My personal bet is that in the next few weeks, we’ll start seeing detailed data come in about the omicron variant, and my hope is that before the new year, scientists will have good reason to recommend against keeping borders closed. I hope your husband continuing to be away is a problem you only have to endure for weeks more, not months more.
Best of luck to you.
Where are you located? Look for a FB group in your local city or prefecture. LINE also has groups that might be of interest to you. Typically majority of groups might be in Japanese but you can easily find language exchange groups.
Hang out at the local cafe, bar, izakaya. Go around your neighborhood to find a gymnasium, swimming pool, community center, library. You have to be out where people are to find others.
Share your challenges with your JTE or other female teachers at school. You have to reach out to people and share your challenges. No one is going to approach you.
I would go back home if you’re not happy. Being an ALT isn’t a career job anyways so you’re basically just wasting time and being apart from your husband. Also since you’re married, you don’t get to participate in the “single life” where you can go on dates, meet people via Tinder etc which probably adds to the loneliness
It’s definitely easier to meet people and find activities if you are in one of the larger cities but that can be much harder if you are in a smaller area. Even taking short trips into larger cities to meet groups for activities is an option. Hugs might be difficult to come by because many natives aren’t that physical with friends/acquaintances. Are you in a large city or close to one?
Keep yourself busy with hobbies and activities, it helps a lot. If you have good internet connection, start watching series, play games.
Maybe even utilize this time to learn Japanese and other technical or valuable skills too.
I completely understand what you’re dealing with, and while I’m not trying to minimize your feelings, I know that many ALTs/foreigners in Japan have been feeling this way since the start of the pandemic.
I came to Japan JUST before the pandemic hit, so I never got to experience “normal” Japan with traveling, exploring new places, etc. It’s been 2+ years of this. It sucks a lot.
But for you, it’s only been 2 months. Things always suck at first when you go to a new country, especially during this time of COVID. You never know what could happen. They could open borders in 2 months or something, so if this is your dream and something you’ve worked so hard to achieve, give it some more time before you call it quits.
Don’t have your husband be your only means of human contact. Try and make friends. Talk to your teachers more. Learn Japanese so your daily life isn’t so stressful. Find new hobbies to enjoy in your downtime. Go visit some dog/cat cafes or shelters and try to volunteer your time since you can’t have pets at your place.
You’re not weak to feel lonely. Everyone feels lonely at some point in their lives. You just have to decide if you will risk letting everything go so quickly and deal with your final decision. Everything is full of unknowns at the moment, so do what’s best for you.
Just go home. Being an ALT will still be a thing. Better to be home and happy than not home and miserable. Its easy for someone like myself, who is single and has no issue being alone. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. You are lonely AND alone. That’s a double whammy no money type of situation.
You can’t get a re-entry permit if you leave?
Not many people come here already married and even worse for you is that the omicron variant has made the situation even more sticky.
When I came over, my husband came three months later.
Loneliness, big ouch. Someone to hold us at night while we’re struggling to cope with life here. Big ouch.
I started to be more open than I usually am and try to meet up with alts and try different things that I probably would not have attempted before. Then make myself so tired that I just loved getting home to my own bed and sleeping well. Taiko, running, japanese class and any thing else that could possibly fill my time.
It doesn’t get easier, you just get better at distracting yourself. Leave the apartment!
It’s not a weakness. I think that you should go back home if you’re missing him this much because you may end up feeling worse then going back to him even more sad than you are now.
If you have a visa you can go home. You just have to follow quarantine guidelines when you return to Japan.
If you’re in Tokyo (and maybe other big cities) there’s a girls meet up group on Facebook called Girls Gone International. I’ve met plenty of people through there!
Just go home! Why are you staying if you’re miserable, can’t speak the language and can’t function at work just to be in Japan?
I SHALL COMFORT THE LADY.
Try Bumble BFF to try to make friends with any locals or Japanese people who can speak English. It’s better than limiting yourself to the pool of other ALTs within your BOE or company since you’ll be able to find Eikaiwa teachers, foreign nationals, etc as well.
Though I’m not sure about your relationship dynamics, I’d recommend not video call your husband every day. Give yourself more time to relax, explore, spruce up your home, enjoy a hobby that’s not Genshin Impact, cook, learn Japanese, meet new people, etc. If the only thing you look forward to every day is the call with your husband, nothing is going to change. Don’t get in the mindset of not wanting to try things or go to places thinking that you’ll do it once your husband gets here, do it so you can recommend it to him from your personal experience.
These feelings might be due to you being past the honeymoon phase, so things might get better as time passes.
That really does suck. From the title post I was expecting something less sympathetic, but your situation is downright terrible.
I agree with the people suggesting meetup.com.
But, beyond that, why not learn Japanese? Start learning and go sidle up to the local snack/yakitori/karaoke/etc bar counter and get to chatting. Even in desolately empty towns, there’s still somewhere to be a *little* social.
The act of learning itself will help you with the loneliness, plus having a goal, plus having something you can share with your husband when he eventually does arrive.
Think I’m just echoing others here, but here goes anyway.
First: You’re not weak for feeling lonely or being miserable. It’s quite natural to feel lonely when you’re alone. It’s quite natural to feel miserable when you’re in a situation that’s bad for you.
Second, and connected to the first: It’s ok to go home. The way you feel is nothing to be ashamed of, and your job isn’t a stepping stone to some great career opportunities, so really there’s no reason to torture yourself over it. If you can’t handle your situation, get out and don’t look back. You won’t be the first or last to break contract. No shame in heading back if it’s all too much.
Third: All that being said, you haven’t been here long at all, so I could understand if for your own peace of mind you want to give it a little more chance before you pack it in and head home. In which case know that the misery does pass. Usually. Eventually. So if you want to try to get through it, go out. Do things. You didn’t say where in Japan you are, but unless you’re in one of the really isolated areas you most likely can reach a populated area without too much trouble. At least on days off. There’s online groups, meeting apps and websites, hobby groups. Say yes to things even if normally you wouldn’t. Set some goals. Things you want to do or see in Japan then go and do or see them.
You came in October, it’s not even two months yet. I think you’re just going through a phase, maybe this is first time living alone? Or in foreign country? Anyway, I think you’ll get through it and you’ll be stronger and more independent as a result. I don’t think you should listen to the “go home” crowd. At least give it couple more months.
If my wife were back home instead of here with me, I’d break contract immediately and go back home. Fuck everyone, and fuck Japan. My marriage and my wife comes above all else.
My heart truly goes out to you. I love Japan and my Japanese friends so much. Do whatever you think you need to do to take care of yourself. We only have one life to live and it should be lived with nothing but Love. You know what is good for you more than anyone else. Good luck friend.
It’s a terrible situation but COVID is what it is. If you hate it, just move back home. No one is getting in here any time soon, especially a dependent spouse of an ALT.
Hey. I just managed to move to Japan as well, leavibg friends behind in Australia.
Im lucky because Im now with my beautiful wife after being apart for nearly 2 years (similar situation but in reverse).
I like you would be interested in a way to meet friends in Japan.
what groups (someone mention LINE groups etc) or meetup, do people recommend?
You mentioned wanting a dog — have you considered volunteering at an animal shelter? Depending on where you live, I know there’s the Animal Rescue Kansai. That would be a way to get some hugs and cuddles (with dogs) and maybe make friends with other volunteers.
One) Depending on your visa status you can leave and come back into Japan you just need to quaratine (different conditions/lengths depending on where you have visited). Also it’s a tricky time to leave the country atm because flights are getting cancelled etc but it’s not impossible. Two) it’s completely ok to feel lonely it’s really rubbish circumstances. I’m single but have felt lonely a lot during the pandemic wilderness and not knowing when I can visit my home country is very tough. Three) it’s completely ok to quit and leave before your contract is up. It’s ok its just a job at the end of the day. Yes they may be disappointed, yes maybe it’s not the greatest time as they might be left without a replacement for you but you won’t be the first person to ever have quit a job early and they will get over it. Put yourself and your mental health first. All that being said I am not travelling back to my home country for the holidays as much as I want to because of the quaratine and the associated difficulties. And I do feel lonely now and will likely feel lonely during the festive season. It’s ok though I’m going to try to make myself feel better in different ways. All of this is tough!!
Not advice but maybe some hope. My husband and I were separated for 1.5 years when he first came to Japan. I was supposed to follow 2 months after him and circumstances changed (before Covid) and though we both experienced extreme loneliness and anxiety we pushed through every hard day we had apart. We got married in Japan shortly after I arrived. Never doing that again, but if you’re both serious about being in Japan long term keep pushing together, if this was temporary from the beginning then maybe it’s not worth staying.
you are weak sauce I’ve been in solitude for over 30 years. haha
Biggest mistake I made in my life: waiting for someone to live my life. It doesn’t matter if you have someone or not, go out, make friends, go on a trip, do something instead of just waiting. Focusing on the thing you don’t have takes you away from the things you have or could do.
On another note, a lot of foreigners are living in Japan, and organise quite a lot of events with other foreigners and Japanese people who speak English. You need to pay a fee (usually around ~¥3000) but it’s quite nice to make friends or at least be with people for a few hours!
Who will take care of your new dog when you’re working all day? Will you want to take this new dog back to your home country if you decide to leave Japan next month? Please don’t just get a dog to fill a temporary sadness gap in your life.
I’ve been in this situ. Do you have a hobby or something you’ve always wanted to try? Find a local group for that. For me, that was ballroom dancing. And that community made my life so much more enjoyable. Covid makes it hard but Japan is a communal country where people like to do stuff in groups. Good luck.
To preface, I’m just a stranger on Reddit. Everything below is just speaking from my personal experience. I hope it helps somehow, but of course it may be irrelevant to you in reality.
This exact thing happened with my wife and I, except for she didn’t come to Japan as an ALT (apologies to the mods if that makes this reply out). We were separated over a year. I want to be positive and tell you it will be okay, but it really is very difficult. I hope that things get better soon for your sake, and your husband is able to get here soon. But, speaking from experience, you should definitely figure out if and how you can hold out.
Being separated like that can be really painful and strain your a relationship – it can also cause whatever progress you’ve made communicating with each other to regress. We were lucky that we both like games, so at the very least we were able to spend time doing _something_ together, and of course we also spent almost the whole time on video. Of course, we still had to spend a while rediscovering each other, and we still kind of are.
If it were the me of today talking to my wife and I when this started in the past, I would recommend spending some time discussing if it really has to be now.
If you decide to do the same thing as we did, maybe it would help to explore what options you have for spending time together, apart from just video calls. One thing I definitely learned during our time apart was how to talk about anything and everything that happens. I think it takes a lot of honesty and effort to make it work.
Again, stranger on Reddit, but maybe this can help somehow. Hopefully you find something that feels right.
I honestly think you should just find a side guy until the pandemic is over. No strings attached, no falling in love, just friends with benefits. Cut ties when travel bans are lifted.
Well, first of all, I wouldn’t say every ALT that has endured those conditions has been “fine.” Between the meager pay, the second-class nature of the job itself, the lack of ability to communicate, and the slow realization that Japan is not a magical anime Mecca, but rather, just another country where people are just trying to live their lives… turns out things aren’t exactly stacked in ALTs’ favor, unless they’re just there for a kind of “gap year” or extended vacation kind of deal or have some objective to being there.
You should consider why you’re doing this in the first place. You’re married and you’re away from your partner—were you originally both planning on trying to migrate to Japan and start a life? Bit of a tall order for one person, much less two, but we’ll set that aside for a moment. Is there a big financial incentive for the both of you to do so? Do you have a skillset that is high in demand? Do you have family or friends or connections in Japan? How does being in Japan align with your long-term goals?
If you don’t have any solid answers to those questions, you should consider going back. A job as an ALT isn’t exactly lucrative, especially when you could probably make bank right now with the labor shortage doing just about anything else with that degree back home (I’m assuming you’re American—apologies if I’m off). An ALT job is really more something you do while you’re still figuring stuff out to give you a year to work things out and have a decent time in a new setting. If you’re not finding any joy in it, and you don’t have anything else you’re trying to accomplish by being there… there’s not much of a point sticking around, honestly.
I was long distance with my husband for 6-7 months when I came to Japan before covid hit, he got in just as they were considering the first border shutdown. If you have any expat orgs in your area like AJET that are running events, you should be going to those to make friends. Inviting people over to your house or to do activities also helps. Try to keep yourself busy. Hire a private teacher to learn Japanese. Try to interact and appreciate the region you are in.
You are not weak. I can’t imagine setting off to another country without my partner, expecting them to be there right behind me, but then…all of this…happens. I’m sorry. On top of that is the winter setting in, the stress of being in a new culture and not speaking the language, etc.
My only advice would be, if possible, to see if you can make a few friends outside of work (if your coworkers don’t seem available or appealing). There are language apps where you could easily meet a local friend. You could also maybe find a new hobby or some outlet to focus on? I’m a language nerd, so I made best friends with my textbook and Japanese tutor back when I came here. It can be hard coming in from work to a lonely house, especially in the winter, even more so when you have someone special you can’t see.
Excercise and meditation also help alleviate any anxieties I’ve got going on.
These won’t fix all of your problems, but could help you manage the stress and loneliness before it becomes too much to bear.
Hang in there. Sending warm thoughts your way.
This may sound weird, but try to hang out with the students more by participating in or helping out with club activities.
I am having an absolute joy with the volleyball club at my JHS, the teacher/coach sometimes leaves me alone to supervise them if he can’t make it to practice.
I get to exercise a bit too, but you also get to build better relationships with students on a more personal level.
Maybe anecdotal, but I’ve noticed that since club activities were allowed again, and I made a committed regular appearance in the club, students belonging to the club are a lot more engaged during my lessons now. A few of them also improved their score greatly in the speaking tests. No offence to the teachers I work with that teaches their class, but their English speaking skills are questionable at times.
So I know the club students themselves practised speaking better at home more.