I can’t handle being stared at anymore

This is just a semi-rant because I just got back home tonight and I feel like a freak. I know it’s not that much of a big deal but I didn’t realise that staring could take such a toll on my mental health.

I’ve been in Tokyo for about a month now, and came to this beautiful country *fully* understanding that I would be stared at because I look different from almost everyone else in this country (I’m white).

Unfortunately, I didn’t realise that at it’s best the staring would be constant, all day, everyday, with maybe a few schoolgirls waving at me, and that at it’s worst the staring is coupled with looks of disgust, snide comments about how I look/dress – often right in my face because they think I’m an idiot gaijin who doesn’t understand anything, and a lot of not-discrete-at-all photography.

I’m generally very comfortable with how I look. I’m quite fit, tall (6ft), and (not to brag in any way) somewhat handsome. I’ve been described as イケメン by a few of my friends here which is very flattering so I thought I would be able to handle the attention, I even thought I might enjoy it, but I don’t.

I used to be very overweight and had been for most of my life so I understand what it’s like to be perceived as an other and be stared at for looking different.

After a few unpleasant interactions I don’t even consider wearing some of the things I used to wear in New Zealand. I went to Disneyland on one of first days here and wore some Mickey Mouse overalls that I love but ended up crying at the end of the day after an *endless* barrage of staring, comments (both positive and negative), and photos.

Recently, I’ve tried dressing very conservatively, covering almost all of my skin and dressing just like other Japanese guys, but still it doesn’t seem to help whatsoever.

I know that most of the staring is just out of interest/curiosity because I look different from 99% of people here, but I never realised how relentless it would be and how dehumanising it would make me feel.

I thought I would be able to handle it before coming here but obviously I can’t. I truly don’t hold it against anyone here because I’m sure I might do the same in their shoes but obviously this isn’t working for me.

I love it in Japan and have met so many wonderful people that I don’t want to just give up because of something so seemingly trivial.

Do I just need to get used to it and suck it up? Would another city in Japan be better suited for me? Am I unknowingly still doing something to stand out in a particular way? I know that this is an almost comical first world problem but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading, maybe I just need a drink <3

16 comments
  1. Have more than one drink…

    If you were 7ft tall I’d get it.

    Right now I am wondering if you are either trolling or are severely deluded but I won’t judge.

  2. I’m going to say that’s 99% in your head. As a fellow white, 6’, often told I am “handsome” or “cool” looking (a little more so when I was younger), living in Tokyo, barely anyone is staring at you. Unless you live in “Tokyo”, aka outside the 23 wards in some rural backwater, it’s just not happening.

  3. >Would another city in Japan be better suited for me?

    If you can’t handle a month in Tokyo then you’ll be suicidal everywhere else in Japan..

  4. Just because they look in your direction doesn’t mean that they are staring at you. Tokyo is a big city with lots of people; they all have to look somewhere.

    And you’re a minority, you’ll better get used to that.

  5. I mean, props for the proper paragraph spacing for your weird question/complaint/humblebrag (???) but, as I scanned through I caught:

    *”(not to brag in any way) somewhat handsome. I’ve been described as イケメン by a few of my friends here which is very flattering”* …

    and…

    *”wore some Mickey Mouse overalls”*

    Yeah…. ummm …. I’ll just leave it at that bro.

  6. No one is staring at you, trust me.
    People in Tokyo don’t care that much that you’re white, you’re not that special
    I’m also white, I live and Tokyo, and I don’t feel that anyone is staring at me, ever

  7. It’s all in your head. If you keep thinking that people will stare at you, then you will feel that they stare at you, even when they aren’t. Same as when you notice a specific number or car, and you start noticing that number or car everywhere.

    [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frequency_illusion](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frequency_illusion)

    Stop thinking that you’re the center of attention, and you won’t be.

  8. Look, I’m going to come across as a blunt asshole but you need to hear the truth.

    This is all in your head.

    You are not being stared at and you absolutely can not understand what the locals are saying likely quite some distance away from you and behind masks, a month after arriving, no matter how much study you have done. Listening to real life Japanese speakers is a very different skill.

    Secondly, 6ft is above average but in no way remarkable or rare, even in Japan, and especially in Tokyo.

    Get help, you are suffering from severe mental issues.

  9. Don’t want to be rude, but that’s mostly in your head or more likely you over interpreting people around you. The same way you look at people around you, they look at people around them, which sometimes happen to be you.

    And, 6ft in Tokyo is far from been something special, they see taller people than you probably everyday.

    So except if you are acting or dressing really eccentrically, which in that case is something you either assume and therefore don’t care if people around look at you, or don’t and that’s on you, people will not change for you.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like