Something I’ve been wondering about other couples with Japanese. My wife has certain traits that are specifically hers and some that are just Japanese in general. I’m not making this a rant or advice post. I’m just trying to take a temperature test on this quality of her personality.
Of course there’s the general “she’s never wrong” in relationships lol, but I’m leaning more towards the nonverbal communication of Japanese in this aspect.
I feel like there’s times where she knows she’s in the wrong but she’s just silent about it instead of saying anything.
Edit: yea I have brought this up with her before and it’s not the major issue with us. I’m just simply polling couples for their experiences.
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My Japanese husband and I rarely have any conflict because we’re pretty good about resolving our differences amicably. We don’t like to let problems linger so we talk about them as soon as they come up. I get an occasional ごめんね from him when he says or does something that annoys me and he gets an occasional sorry from me.
Hmm, my wife is “always right”. If she blatantly screws up she’ll say something but thinking about it, if she apologizes it is often sarcastic.
In non-mixed Japanese relationships, it’s usually expected that one apologizes when frictions occur. The Japanese who have difficulties with that cultural norm often end up choosing a foreigner for partner as it’s supposed to be less stressful (they are often proven wrong for other reasons). The Japanese who expect that cultural norm from you as a foreigner will often fight with you if you don’t comply with this custom.
My husband apologizes.
She has apologised/admitted wrong once in nearly twenty years. And the thing she apologized for was something I didn’t even care about.
Fucking bullshit man
We both apologize. Not communicating and fixing the problem isn’t good for our marriage so we both accept our faults and try to do better.
Every time I see these posts along with a super generic “Japanese people don’t apologise” I wonder why people don’t communicate more. Have you asked her about it?
It took five years, a lot of communication, patience, empathy and a few sessions of relationship counselling but we finally got there.
Hmm I don’t think it’s specific to Japanese, just some people’s trait.
Like in my family we never say “sorry” even once, so whenever we did mistake we just silent and try to fix it.
But we do say sorry normally to other people.
Maybe try to talk instead of speculating?
Depends totally on her and perhaps her parents relationship to each other.
We came home tonight to the young girl who lives below us crying outside of her door, begging for her parents to let her in because she missed her curfew and was locked out. My wife told me again about how her mom did the same thing to her and we talked about what we would do when our daughter is old enough. I’m not a huge fan of it but at least the punishment matches the crime and the child understands exactly why they are being punished. Not every family is so clear.
So, the question I have for you is does your wife know exactly what you are upset about and what she needs to apologize for.
Japanese wife married to an American husband here. I apologize very easily. I thought not apologizing was generally more of a western thing!? We had an opposite problem when we first started dating. Japanese say Sumimasen… literally all the time in their daily life, right? I like to apologize if I hurt somebody’s feeling, even if I didn’t do anything wrong or even if it wasn’t on purpose. Whatever it is, I made someone feel bad, that’s something worth apologizing for to me. Now my husband respects this and he will apologize if he makes me even slightly upset. Mutual respect works well 🙏
Honestly, I put most things down to personal/family traits. There are some things my wife does that I know “normal” Japanese people wouldn’t, so whenever there’s something that gets on my nerves, I never think of it as being “because she’s Japanese.”
My Japanese fiancé apologises a lot. Sometimes unnecessarily.
My wife hardly ever apologizes. And when she does she tends to do the “I’m sorry you feel that way” type of anti apology. We’ve talked about it but she still doesn’t really do apologies. It’s a bad side of her but that being said I’ll be honest it is mostly me anyway that does stuff necessitating an apology.
Only if we get into an argument that ends with both of us apologising. Happens rarely because we almost never argue.
She also says sorry every time I close a door she left open or pick up her discarded contacts she left on the floor again or trip over her bag she dropped in a doorway… But I don’t really count that as an apology because if she meant it she’d stop doing that lol
It’s actually opposite for me. My wife tends to blame herself for everything that goes on around, and apologizes for the most miniscule things.
I’m leaning towards your sentiments. Similar situation, am American, wife is Japanese. She has a hard time because of her upbringing (never lose, don’t back down, etc.) from her mother that she rarely will apologize. Sometimes it feels like she takes our roles as competitions rather than a partnership.
Even her apologies can be excruciating as you can see her pained look as she says she is sorry. Feels like a court proceeding rather than genuine remorse. Sometimes rather than realizing she could just make the day go smooth, she’d rather die on a dumb hill. It’s partially my fault, I at some point decided to lean into the “yes dear” to avoid conflicts and it can come back to bite me in the ass for sure.
I love her fiercely, she is a fantastic mother to our child and I’m thankful for all she is most days. For every fault she has, she has five great traits, and this is but a small (yet admittedly annoying) facet of our marriage. Cheers
Is it about just saying the word ‘sorry’? Or does she lack remorse or fight back when she fucks up?
If it’s the first then I don’t think it’s a problem. A lot of people are like that, including myself. I’ve never said sorry to some people and it’s just “damn, My bad bro” and we’re square.
If it’s the latter and she also expects you to apologize then you’re probably in for a world of hurt. Bonus points if you back her into a corner where she has not choice but to apologize but instead starts crying and being like “why are you shouting at me”.
It’s likely just a her thing
My Japanese husband apologised a lot. Even for something that I don’t think he needs to. I always think it’s him being Japanese.
Nope not once.
My Nagoyan ex was abusive and I was brainwashed into always apologizing for her behavior. I was always walking on eggshells, never knowing what could set her off, and honestly believed I simply wasn’t good enough.
She apologized profusely only when I told her I was leaving. She apologized and praised me so much at the same time it was absolutely creepy. She apologized for like a week straight. Then she threatened suicide. Her mom came to Tokyo to convince me to stay. Later my ex disappeared for a full day after threatening suicide in the morning, forcing me to get out of work and go and find her, legitimately believing she could have carried out the threat. But no, she had intentionally done it to prove I still cared for her and should stay with her.
Max emotional blackmail. I had to take time off work secretly to find another apartment to flee to. Fortunately I had control of the bank account.
Ex found posts I had posted later (anonymously or so I thought, without ever saying her name – still no idea how she found those posts) on support forums for survivors detailing my situation and seeking help, and had a lawyer ask me to remove the posts. Which I did by begging the site/forum admin to, cutting one of my avenues for support and recovery. Eight years have passed so I’m going to bet she won’t see this one.
A real charmer. Probably just an outlier though, and nothing to do with the nationality! 😀
The other Japanese women I dated (including my now wife) are/were perfectly normal, insomuch as any given person can be considered “normal”.
I discovered My wife was afraid to apologize because her family used to scold her a second time. Shame culture PTSD is real out here.