Hi, everyone. Never thought I’d write this kind of a post, but I just had probably my scariest experience in Japan during the 7 years I’ve lived here. This post is mostly a rant, but I would really appreciate if you could give me some advice.
For context, I’m 29F, I live in Tokyo in Minato City. I was just going out to take my regular bus to Shimbashi so I could go meet my bf, I had my earbuds on, minding my own business. When some random Japanese guy in his mid to late 20s, without a mask mind you, approached me and started talking to me. I could tell even through blasting my music, so I took one of my earbuds and asked him what is it he wants in Japanese. He asked if the bus is going to Shimbashi, I said “yes.” Then I got the generic “your Japanese is so good phrase” to which I said “ichio/well sort of.” So I’m trying to go back to my music and this complete stranger just won’t leave me alone even though I’m clearing giving signs that I don’t want to talk to him. He then asks me if I know when the bus will be here (like check the board yourself?). I’m getting really pissed off at this point but I tell him that it’s already supposed to be here.
Our man then blatantly asks me to give him my line so we can chat. I tell him that I absolutely do not want to do that. And guess what? He starts demanding an explanation. Like do you have a boyfriend? Why don’t you want to give me your line? I told him it’s not a matter of having a boyfriend, I just don’t want to give him my line. And he keeps pressing for an explanation, moving closer. At this point I lost all my cool and told him because I find this kind of behaviour kimochi warui (disgusting). Of course he didn’t like it, and started demanding I explain why I think it’s disgusting. He just wouldn’t let me be and kept engaging with me, saying that it’s not disgusting and he’s not gonna stop doing this. His tone changed and he started using “omae” and just generally being super aggressive and rude. I noticed him frantically looking around and noticing people standing right behind him. I don’t know why but I felt like if nobody was there he would get physical? Another reason why I felt like he might get physical is because I started moving away from him step by step and he kept closing the distance and coming closer and closer.
Anyway, I tell him to leave me alone already. And he’s like I’m waiting for my bus you leave me alone.. like.. logic, is that even a thing? Thank god the bus arrived right at this moment and, guess what, he didn’t even get on the bus lmao.
I’m still fuming. And honestly his tone and manners and aggressiveness scared me quite a bit. It’s not the first time I’ve had random men hit on me, but they usually just leave after I ignore them or tell them I’m not interested. It’s also usually just some drunk men around Shibuya or at the bars. I didn’t think this would happen in Tamachi area in broad daylight. Fyi, I’m literally covered in wool head to toe, so definitely not wearing anything suggestive (NOT THAT IT WOULD GIVE HIM ANY RIGHTS TO APPROACH ME).
So I don’t know. What should I have done? At first I genuinely thought he needed help with the bus which is why I even answered. I don’t know how I should have approached the situation. He just kept talking to me even when I put my earbuds back on and wouldn’t let it go and back off. I’m scared that this might occur again because this bus station is right next to my apartment and I use it a lot. What should I do if I run into him again? It seemed like he came out of the building right next to the bus stop, so I am a little afraid that this is a very real possibility. A little research showed that I can’t have pepper spray on me, so that’s not an option..
Any advice would be highly appreciated.
42 comments
I would just tell them no thank you and then completely ignore anything they say after that. Just browse Reddit with earphones in not responding at all. If you don’t engage there’s nothing they can do except give up.
That sucks, I’m sorry that happened to you 🙁
Honestly, I think what you did was the right thing to do. I hear being confrontational usually works in that situation because ‘most’ people cower away (except for this guy I guess). Though I’m a guy so I don’t have much experience with this
I’m sorry this happened to you. I really feel that men have become more aggressive here in the last few years and it absolutely sucks to be the target of it. What I’ve started to do is just completely ignore them. And I know maybe some of the 50-something year old men who approach a lone 30-something year old woman on a train station, (with headphones in, clearly not wanting conversation,) are probably harmless, it’s not my responsibility to entertain them or to feel guilty for not responding to “WHERE FROM!” Fuck politeness, ignore everyone.
I think the best thing is to just ignore them, and not reply. Or just give a very short dismissive reply, in a semi-angry tone.
A lot of them will keep going if you reply to them, even if you say you’re not interested. They think they might have an “in”.
In this case though I think you were being harassed and could definitely go to the police, if you would like to take that route. Some police may take it seriously, some may not.
Sorry to hear that happened to you.
Maybe call the cops on him, if he starts harassing you again. But from what I heard about Japanese police on this sub so far, that may not help either.
Now you know not to engage with people that come and speak to you with confidence. If he really wanted information he would be sumimasen-ing his way to the max before even uttering a request.
Ignore, don’t reply, blind stare, goodbye!
I think a lot of the time, many foreign women are mindful of their surroundings in these situations and try to not make a scene.
Don’t worry about that.
SCREAM, if you have to. They will almost always run away and you will not be judged by those around you.
Sorry you had to go through all that. I think you handled it well and in most cases, as you said, they’d leave after a firm rejection.
When it comes to incels, it’s best to completely ignore them. Simply don’t respond.
By engaging in the conversation, you’re only going to give them even more excuses to stick around. Angering them, as you did, can potentially result in physical retaliation.
Pepper spray is illegal. In fact, defending yourself outside of the absolute bare minimum can be considered assault. If someone punches you in the face, for example, you aren’t allowed to retaliate and punch them back. The best course of action is to run to the nearest police box or try to get people nearby to stop your attacker, as restraining someone to protect another is considered legal.
In short, don’t give them anything to work with.
So sorry to hear you had to experience this.
Completely agree with others – ignore and ignore. If you run into him again, ignore. I’d start wearing a small body cam (that’s not too evident) and get proof of this asshole harassing you so you can take him to the police with solid evidence.
It’s easier to say ” I have a boyfriend” than to discuss with them, trust me. I’m married so I point to my ring that’s enough that they escape 😂 I agree with you though that a no without an explanation should be accepted. Isn’t it embarassing for them to continue even after you said you feel uncomfortable?
You honestly did everything “right.” The only thing I would have done is stopped engaging with him earlier. But, lesson learned.
Unfortunately, he caught you near your house. Usually, I suggest “tricking” them by, say, entering a station and then exiting from another exit and going onward to your destination. Never let them know where you’re going or where you live.
Just never engage once it gets weird. Ignore them. If you feel unsafe, walk away and enter a place with people — a conbini, a cafe etc. Most of them give up and you’ll be safe to leave in a few minutes.
I’m sorry this happened. About halfway through your story I thought “get the fuck away you cunt!” You have NO obligations to be polite to people like this. Don’t hesitate to blast them, in Japanese or otherwise. Full stop, do not. Just blast them AWAY.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this stressful situation.
>What should I have done?
I mean, I’m no expert, but it sounds like you handled it about as well as anyone could have. You went into a situation giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and they let you down. It wasn’t your job to manage their social ineptitude, and it sounds like you communicated your discomfort to the people around. Judging by his reaction to them, they had your back.
> What should I do if I run into him again?
I couldn’t hope advise except that if he interacts with you *at all* again, it’s now a pattern of harassment and you are entirely justified in reporting him to the police. I would bet money you are not the first woman he has harassed.
Try recording with your smartphone and say you would upload it on twitter or tiktok (cause that seems to be popular) or use it as an evidence. Other things like threaten him by calling cops if this ever happens again? like if he talks to you again just say kyomi nai and if he still continues then pull the calling cops card.
But for your protection please use your phone, record, call etc cause it seems like thats the only safest yet best tool besides shouting for help.
UGHHH I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I’ve had my fair share of dodgy situations, and I think the part I have always been most worried about afterwards is the bystander effect; that something worse could happen and would a Japanese step in to assist a foreigner? In my home country there’d be at least one person lacking in self-preservation common sense, but making up for it with protagonist energy.
A person approaching you for help will just naturally ask the next person around if they truly need help and you don’t respond. IMHO any random stranger approaching the obvious foreigner, instead of the taros and hanakos on all sides, is suspicious af. It sucks to have to be this bitter and cold in public but I think it has saved me many times. I think I missed out on at least one free haircut though after cold shouldering a woman who ran towards me saying “Hey your hair is really nice…”
You mention how you dress, and I know how bs it is we have to think about this, but within a year of moving here I completely changed from a conservative/cute/pretty/feminine style to an aggressive/dark/masculine/I will eat your first born vibe. It seemed to be effective as I was definitely approached far less, and now I’m in my mid 30s I think I’m entering my “invisible as a woman because I’ve reached a certain age” era. So ready. Anyway I am just mentioning this because you say you were covered up but in my experience the more conservative/innocent looking, the more creeps…
Anyway I’m rambling, others will likely give better practical advice but I just wanted to commiserate. Stay safe!
Edit to add: Hard agree with everyone saying ignore completely, unless absolutely cornered and then scream bloody murder (have had to do this twice unfortunately, but it was effective both times). I feel like any response from you, especially using Japanese,(I feel aggressively speaking another language creates more “distance”) could give the impression that you know this person or are in conversation by choice.
You handled it well. Let it go, don’t let him live in your head. You know it is rare for it escalate like that and chances are, you’ll never the twat again. If there is a next time: breathe, don’t look at them, speak as little as possible. Have a good evening.
This is really scary.. I’ve had some encounters with nampa but not with this much intensity. One guy kept pestering me even after I told him I was married and only went away when I raised my voice and told him in Japanese to leave me alone. I’m glad it didn’t escalate because while I was in a public area, there was nobody in my immediate vecinity… I’m thinking of getting one of those small alarms that are loud as all hell when you pull a string. Holding it in their view should be enough of a deterrent… I hope.
I’m glad nothing happened to you! Be safe.
I don’t have any particular advice for you – all I can do is empathize and say you’re completely justified in your reaction. Don’t even think for a second, that it is something that you did, that invited this behavior! I think you handled the situation as well as anybody could have done in that moment.
And if you feel afraid at any time in the future, don’t hesitate to raise your voice and ask other people for help directly. Being spoken to lowers the invisible threshold for many people to involve themselves in a possibly uncomfortable situation.
It’s much more difficult to take that first step and ask: “Excuse me, do you need help?”
What if they misread the situation? What if you tell them off, saying it doesn’t concern them? Suddenly they’d be the one facing ridicule and unwanted attention. No no, much easier to just stare straight ahead. If things escalate, somebody else will do something.
But if you look somebody in the eye, or say: “You there with the blue scarf. Please help me, I’m afraid of this man…”
Suddenly it’s much easier for them to interfere. They would have to actively refuse to answer a plea for help, and most of us are just not conditioned that way.
Sense of entitlement in young men these days is through the roof!
Acting like they are owed something.
Good on you standing up to him. Sounds like a fuckwit who probably does it all the time.
You didn’t do anything wrong, in my experience Japanese men doing nanpa techniques are just not used to direct confrontation from women and somehow believe they are entitled to an explanation so they can trickle you into accepting whatever they are asking you to do. Unfortunately you cannot touch them (not even for defending yourself) so you can only ignore and hope they don’t get physical. If there’s a koban nearby you can go there and ask for help. It fucking sucks, but it is what it is. As the laws are not in your favour, better start just ignoring anyone who tries to talk to you in the street – the chance of them actually needing help is quite slim, if they’re in trouble they will most likely go to the police or approach a local.
I’m sorry this happened to you – seems last night was the day of meeting frustrated assholes because another fucker in Shibuya pushed me and almost punched me for stopping him from grabbing my friend without her consent.
In another country, I’d put my hand out, palm first, towards the fucker’s face, as if to keep the them from getting any closer.
I guess the local equivalent is jumping back in small steps while holding your hands in shape of letter X, meaning “not allowed”. Maybe saying something loudly/sternly more for the onlookers than the fucker.
After the fact, report them as “suspicious person”.
P.S. this royally sucks, I can’t think of anything that would really help you.
When he asked why you didn’t want to give your LINE, he was expecting some excuse to let him save face. Instead, you humiliated him by calling him kimochi warui. You hurt his ego, so he became confrontational, which is all he had left at that point.
The smart thing to do was to give him the excuse he wanted: “I already have a boyfriend”. He’s probably heard it a hundred times, many of them are lies and he knows it, but he can’t accept the reality of what he really is.
I’d say if you see him again, ignore him but if he engages then play the boyfriend card. It sucks but it usually works. Say you’re going to call your boyfriend to tell him to fuck off. Sorry you went through this
Easier to pretend you don’t speak Japanese if you don’t want a conversation at all. So much trouble can be avoided
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
It’s hard to know what to do in the moment. Ignoring is the best strategy and a nihongo wo tabemasen if they insist. Throw some gibberish in there so they give up trying English. Develop a spontaneous speech impediment. Playing dumb has saved me from unwanted conversation. If they already know I speak Japanese and can’t escape with a nihongo wo nomimasen I deliberately misinterpret everything they say until they get frustrated and leave. “Line? What line? You’re already standing in the line…”
I’ve unfortunately had situations where a neighbor/someone in my small town kept trying to talk to me. With one person, I ignored them until one day they bothered me at a major intersection with witnesses. I shouted at them to leave me alone, I don’t know you, that’s my purse!! and they stopped trying after that.
Twist his nuts, never fails
This isn’t nampa, it’s mental illness trying to disguise itself as nampa. Unfortunately, foreigners are nutbag magnets. You’ll have to master a deaf-dumb-and-blind wall to put up and ignore these people. (Edit: I forgot to say I’m sorry this happened and I’m outraged on your behalf.)
Don’t talk to strangers on the street. Run the risk of pissing off the one nice person so you can ignore the other nine statistical d-heads. No Japanese person in their right mind and without an ulterior motive would pick the foreigner on the street to ask for bus directions in Tokyo. They talk to you for a reason and that reason isn’t information that is posted at the bus stop. The way your interaction went my first thought was that he would’ve introduced to the Fuji cult once he had your contact on text. But that’s just a vibe.
Do you know where the nearest koban to your house is? If you see him again and he starts harassing you again, walk there and tell the cops. They may not do an awful much but police scares most of these a-holes. Also, if he follows you there they might catch his image on their surveillance camera.
I would not advise you to film him outright when you see him again next time. But that’s a tool you can keep in your back pocket if this is a persistent effer.
Ignoring him is best, no eye contact, no words exchanged if at all possible. If you can call a friend who knows about this situation when you see him again, that is great in more than one way. It doesn’t give him an in to talk to you because you’re already talking. It can be a positive influence if you feel totally and understandably freaked out. And it’s somebody you can narrate what’s happening to and maybe get advice on the spot. Pretending to be on a call may also do in a bind.
It’s shitty you have to deal with this and need to have strategies like this. With any luck you’ll never see him again. But if you do, know what to do.
I’m sorry to hear that.
If there are people around, you can shout or pretend to call your boyfriend. If that doesn’t work, call the police.
Just pretend they don’t exist. Usually I would put my earbuds back on and ignore them completely. Eventually they give up trying to talk to you. Good luck
I’m from the US. I don’t really go anywhere where people do that sort of thing. But once a guy tried and I did the ‘talk to the hand’, shook my head and kept walking. I think the gesture threw him off. He was not expecting that.
But in your situation I probably would have told him I don’t speak Japanese, just stopped talking and ignored his existence. Stood my ground. I’m as tall as or taller than a lot of the men here. I’m not afraid to push them back if it comes down to it.
1. One of my male Japanese friends told me this years ago. Normal Japanese people don’t come up and talk to random strangers on the street, the train, etc.
2. You don’t own anyone anything. Do not explain yourself. Do not engage.
3. If you feel really uncomfortable or in danger go into a shop, konbini, etc. Tell them some weirdo is harassing you. They’ll usually be cool and try to help you from what I’ve heard. Or just walk into a koban if you’re really desparate. It doesn’t always scare them away, but it might. Especially if a cop is actually there. Sometimes they aren’t and then it probably won’t help you any.
There is not your fault.
Like the old Emmanuel Lewis PSA about child abuse prevention, if something like this happens, 1) say “no,” 2) then “go,” and 3) “tell” the police.
You handled that good imo.
Also If they start to touch you phisiically start screaming chikan !!! That means molester in Japanese
Next time just say “nihonggo wakaranai” and put back your earplugs in. Works 100% of the time for me.
Sorry you had to put up with this asshole.
Easiest thing to do is just say (in a bad accent)… ‘Nihonga wakaranai’ and fake blank expressions to fuck with this guy might help you get away. Or just speak rapidly in English to make his penis shrink because he can’t cope with the inadequacy of not being able to cope with an ‘easy’ foreign language. ‘Gaijin power’ is an underused tool for people who can actually speak some Japanese.
Nice of you that your first instinct was to help someone with the bus though… just be cynical enough to turn on a dime if necessary.
But I’m a guy so please take my words with a pinch of salt. I’ve been stalked by weird people (Japanese and foreign) simply because I was polite to someone… but stalking and harassment of women is almost always much worse.
Hope this advice from guy who looks Japanese is helpful. Good luck with things!
Japanese girls *never* refuse to exchange Line contacts. Instead they say ぜひぜひ! and then just block or ignore messages. Normally I wouldn’t encourage this because it’s kind of shitty, but if a guy’s just being a total jerk, it’s a fair move.
“Gomenasai nihongo tabemasen” found this beautiful phrase on Reddit, tested and approved. All my girlfriends are using it.
Get a taser and/or mace.
Worst case scenario, he’s stalking you and knows your routine.
You didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m not sure there was anything else you really could have done. It sounds like he’s sick and ignoring him probably would have gotten a similar result. If it happens again go to the police and let them know.
Ugh that sucks. Don’t beat yourself up about how you reacted, he’s the wrong one, not you.
But if you want to know what to do for similar next time, don’t react to or pay attention to a stranger at all. Especially not in the big cities. It’s not considered normal behavior in Japanese cities to approach strangers. So the ones who do, especially to obvious foreigners, are usually trying to sell you something, or are unhinged, or a bit of both. The best way to avoid getting involved is a) remove yourself from their presence if possible, and b) ignore them. Pretend you can’t hear+see them. Do not look at them or make eye-contact. Do not react to anything they say or appear to see anything they do.
You can start those de-escalation and avoidance tactics at any time during an unpleasant interaction, but the sooner the better, ideally they’ll have been the only one verbalizing, they’ll give up quicker. Hopefully you never spot this guy again, but if you do completely ignore him and pretend you don’t see/hear him at all, move away from where he’s at. If he harrasses again/appears to be stalking you in particular you may want to bring things to the police. They may not “do” anything but increase police presence in the area for a few days, may be enough to clear the chickenshit, may also help them establish a profile/case if he’s doing this to multiple people.
For the garden-variety nutty types, along with those passerby scammers, PUAs, and MLM/cult recruiters, it’s a numbers game to them and they do the same approach to multiple, maybe hundreds, of people a day until they get…whatever it is they’re after. So you just have to show you’re not worth their time and generally after a few unsuccessful tries, they move on. The silent pokerface mode, thousand-yard stare in where they’re in your gaze for safety but you don’t look *at* them, is usually what works safely. Unfortunately if you give them an inch they take a mile, and if you reply to or acknowledge them at all they feel they’ve got their foot in the door and will try to wedge further in, and will be that much harder to put off. Ideally no interaction at all, entirely one-sided, is best and subsides quickest.
After a few similar unpleasant experiences, I don’t acknowledge or reply to anyone in public. If I hear “sumimasen!” near me I just move away without reacting or looking at them. If I dropped something they’ll say, “otoshimono desu!” or something and will be holding out my lost item to me, it will be obvious. If it’s not obvious what they want my attention for, I completely ignore and pretend I can’t see/hear them. As do all the other Japanese around. Also common sense, when normal people need directions or confirmation, they’ll ask someone in charge, they confirm the bus route by asking the bus driver, not some rando passenger.
Sorry to hear about the bad experience…
I just pretend I don’t speak Japanese. And when people try to speak to me in English after teaching for 8 hours, I hit them with super slurred half fake Spanish.
Smile wave nod and put your headphones back on while you Gomen sumimasen wakarahen yourself to freedom.