Is bachelorhood frowned upon in Japan?

9 comments

1. I’ve known a few older bachelors in Japan; they had girlfriends/boyfriends, drove expensive European cars, enjoyed travelling and hobbies. There is even a term called 独身貴族 to describe bachelors/bachelorettes who enjoy a lavish lifestyle.

2. I think it’s pretty common anywhere. Humans usually find a mate. To not do so raises interest. Not to say it’s bad or wrong, but as many people would prefer to have a partner, I think it’s understandable people would be interested in your choices.

   Are people actually saying “How can a man be happy without a wife/girlfriend”?

3. My husband and I live openly as a gay couple with a legal marriage from the US, even if the national government refuses to recognize it. We haven’t had any significant problems. Most of our neighbors are friendly and the ones who aren’t just ignore us.

   We both still frequently get the 奥さんは？ or 子供は？ questions from people who don’t know us. If someone asks me that when we’re together I say 奥さんは彼です. He hates it when I do that but I love to see the bewildered expression on their faces before they start laughing because they think it’s a joke.

   One time when I was out walking the dogs one of our elderly neighbors was cleaning in front of her house. When she saw me walking past she said, 男性二人の家からね. I said はい and then she just smiled and proceeded on with the usual neighborly しゃべり.

   That being said, discrimination against gay people in housing and employment is still a widespread problem in Japan because the Japanese corporate world, like the Japanese government, still seems to be stuck in the 1950s.

   A lot of gay Japanese men stay in the closet and many even get married and raise families in order to pass as straight so as to protect their careers and family relationships. The gay bars are full of them at night desperately seeking male companionship before they have to head home to their life of despair as a faux straight family man.

   This is a culture that has been obsessed with keeping the family line going and the clan populated for centuries, so people just assume that everyone will get married and have kids. The reality, though, is that a lot of Japanese people these days choose to remain single and a lot of couples refuse to have children. A survey that was released recently said that the number of young Japanese people who don’t want to get married and raise a family continues to increase.

   The reason why the birthrate continues to decline is because there is a huge disconnect between the traditional Japanese mindset and the realities of the 21st century. Work life is harsh for most Japanese and the cost of raising a family is prohibitively expensive for many.

4. TLDR mainly economics.

   There is a sort of generational gap timed at about the bubble collapse that helped accelerate low birth rate trends.

   In the last few years surveys have found adults at age 50 never married at about 28%/17% (m/f). This figure has rose significantly in the last 30 years. [not Original source but cited here](https://news.yahoo.co.jp/articles/c92b39fefaae762e1a7a57b6a3160086e9d1d859)

   In the general younger generation today at least 80% intend to be married someday, but at age 30 the never married stands at 50%/40%. [again not original source but cited](https://news.yahoo.co.jp/articles/d26598cc8726d9254ded4f993d72fa5b8e63ce3d)

   So why do you see such a disproportionate balance at your circles and workplace? Probably because you are 1) in an older age group, coworkers are also older, 2) work in an high earning sector and/or office setting. The men who may never marry near your age (maybe some 30%) are working in contracts, part time, in industries very different and far off from you. As such neither your coworkers nor you may ever meet them.

5. There seems to be an overwhelming sense of “If you don’t get married, there must be something wrong with you” (makeinu).

   This pressure is so strong that a lot of gay people get married and even have families just to fit the expectations. It’s a pretty simplistic way of thinking that only marriage, kids, and a house can make someone happy, but that’s slowly changing.

   I’m not married, but been with my partner for a long time, much more than a decade. Both of us have no desire to get married or have kids. All of her siblings have undergone multiple failed marriages over that time, but for some reason her family still considers her a black sheep and are worried that she is not as happy as her married sister who is on her third marriage and had two nasty divorces during the period that I’ve been with happy and stable with my partner.

6. You’d be getting side eye everywhere on this planet. Not because you’re wrong with your life choices but because people are, well, dumb.

   Relationship status is a small talk subject people very quickly run out of runway on without making assumptions or telling you what society thinks you should do. You’re in the country that coined the term Christmas cake after all. There is a statistical normal where people couple up and you’re not doing that. So unfortunately you’ll have to deal with this crap.

   It sounds to me like you’re assuming you would need to fulfill the role of the sole breadwinner in a scenario involving offspring. If you’ve reached your conclusion solely based on these economical constraints I would like to point out that couples can increase wealth and income when they share a household. So there are other ways to finance a family than relying on only one person. I’m not telling you to marry and have children tomorrow, you do you. If you don’t want kids, then you don’t want kids – no problem there at all. I just think that financial argument alone doesn’t hold enough water.

7. It’s strange that you seem to put yourself into that box and sealed to never get out.

   If you think that you will never support a family with you job consider these two things:

   1. Jobs can be changed. As many times as necessary.

   2. I have personally met Japanese women who would kill for a nice, loveable, non-asshole husband and they don’t care about finances, they are rich.

   If you want a girlfriend, I don’t think it’s an issue, you certainly have someone whom you like and who likes you among your friends. Speaking of marriage, not all marriages in Japan are shufu and okozukai feodal slaveries, in fact some people are open-minded enough to make different arrangements.

   So yes, I think you write and think something completely weird. Everybody is in a similar situation for a while, but life tends to change, women come into your life unexpectedly and money can increase itself too.

8. In America, you’d get weird looks or questions regardless. Decent guy, decent life, decent job, sociable, not divorced and no kids–not dating anyone? Must be a terrible partner, gay and hiding it, or some freak–is often people’s thoughts. And I’m talking guys over 30.

   Certainly in Japan, there’s pressure to get married and have a family by 30. My brother in law feels that, and he’s not even the oldest in the family or carrying on the family trade. There’s pressure for him to make a home, start new life, bring children into Japan, support his parents, etc..

   But I don’t think foreigners are viewed in the same capacity. Just the normal perception.

9. As others said, it is kind of looked down upon. A bit like how being unemployed is looked down upon in the US or Europe.

   But it’s getting more common and in turn more accepted I suppose. Things are changing, luckily.