So, I came to this school at the end of last year, and I’ve officially been here for 6 months. It started off pretty normal, meaning I didn’t speak a lick of Japanese and nobody talked to me, as expected. However after six months, my Japanese improved a lot, and some of the younger teachers took notice and started talking to me and inviting me out for drinks.
I’m in my late 20s, and there are around seven or eight teachers in their late 20s and early 30s as well, one of whom is a 25 year old Japanese teacher who I was interested in. Sometimes I think he was making a move on me.
One day after school, he and another female coworker invited me out for drinks. The first half of the evening he was super sweet and attentive to me. As we were leaving to go to the second all-you-can-drink, he asked me if I had a boyfriend (no), and when I asked him if he had a girlfriend, he pretended he didn’t hear me. Red flag number one. Things turned super weird at this point – he started physically flirting with the other teacher in front of me, touching each other under the table, hugging her and putting his hands in her pocket. I was shocked… What’s more is that I pieced together through the conversation that he has a girlfriend, who is ANOTHER teacher at the school.
I didn’t hide my shock… unfortunately. He told me he’s charai and motteru (eyeroll) just like American players. I said, チャラい人が好きじゃない and maybe that’s where things started dropping off.
I go to work the next week, and he and the female coworker are just super cold to me. They say ohayou gozaimasu to everyone else, but don’t look at or acknowledge me anymore. It’s now been a month, it’s the same cold shoulder. And the seating arrangement is so that we sit in the same cluster, so I feel the bad vibes every day.
What makes matters worse is that another teacher who had been really friendly, regularly coming by my desk and helping me with my Japanese started making advances on me, asking me to have dinner and if we could go home together. He’s a 60-ish yo man. I basically ran away from him, and he got the clue, but now I try to avoid him at all costs.
In general, my workplace is super hostile right now and I don’t know who to go to. I don’t need to be friends with my coworkers, but I want it to be a place where I don’t feel like people hate my guts. How would you resolve the tension? I just want it to go back to being normal and polite.
Do I just need to break the ice by being friendly to them as if nothing ever happened? Should I gaman through it? It’s causing me a lot of stress. Please don’t eat me alive.
12 comments
Don’t be so forward with your hatred for people and you’ll be fine.
I work at a high school, and if you find out there’s one creepy teacher per big high school, you’re lucky. It’s generally more. I know three teachers I’ve worked with through the years who married students they taught directly, and everyone accepts the story that “they met after graduation.” One wasn’t so lucky, everyone thinks he’s a creep and he was moved to a middle of the mountains branch of a farming school.
I just ignore that kind of talk. I’m married, so I thought that would be enough so that people wouldn’t include me, but apparently marriage doesn’t mean as much to those folks.
What I do is find ways to get in the way of creepy “teaching sessions.” Innocently, of course, I’m a foreigner who doesn’t know any better. Also, the greeting I give will tell you what I think of you. If you get a “cha” or a “mas”, you’re a horrible person and that’s the only thing I can do to express it without using words.
Just my opinion, but it sounds like you could be overthinking it. Especially if a lot of what was said/done was while they were drunk, they probably feel awkward about themselves or maybe they don’t even remember.
If you’re giving them a loud OHAYOU or OTSUKARESAMA to their face and they don’t even make eye contact, then maybe they are ignoring you. At that point I would just gaman and try to make friends outside of work. Doesn’t sound like a “hostile” environment imo, maybe just awkward.
Honestly if they were all over each other when he has a gf, maybe they feel embarrassed by your shocked reaction (because they should feel ashamed) and want to avoid you. Who knows? 🤷🏼♀️ I had a coworker giving me mixed signals as well and we’re still perfectly civil at work, I just avoid too much conversation with them and gaman. These things happen.
Well, this probably isn’t the best answer, but it is what I would honestly do. I would first confirm that they are treating you like an outcast.
If you can do that, I would make references to how cute he and the teacher he was hugging are as a couple because apparently his real girlfriend is another staff member. Upon being told about his “real girlfriend,” I would feign innocence and let the tables turn on him.
The other commenters are crazy and are being way to dismissive. Your coworkers sound like assholes who don’t know how to behave themselves. It’s not on you to forgive or patch up their misbehaviors.
I’m sorry to hear that, that is definitely a really difficult situation to be in. It must have been scary being hit on by the older teacher; and ostracization can be really difficult to manage.
None of it is your fault, that situation with the younger teachers feels really uncomfortable 😔 maybe it is best to find time to think what is the best solution for you, is there anyone you can go to for help/ advice to deal with this situation?
You just discovered Japan’s notorious cheating culture..unfortunately at your own workplace
Ignore them and make new friends outside of your workplace .
First of all, I am so sorry that happened to you. Regardless of where it happens, it’s not fun or ok to be treated this way. ❤️ Your feelings about it are valid, those teacher’s behavior is inappropriate, and it sounds like a hostile work environment to me.
When I was on JET, some of the younger male teachers would flirt with me and then I was shocked when I found out they had girlfriends/wives. It felt gross. Nothing happened between us, but I was still mad that they were behaving that way. I would never have flirted with a teacher I knew had a girlfriend.
At a bonenkai my last year on JET, one older teacher who had been sexually harassing me for the entire time I was there (he did it in English so other teachers wouldn’t understand as easily and he always played it off as a “joke”) sexually assaulted me. Like flat out he drunkenly groped me. I pulled myself from him and ran to the bathroom crying. When I told my good friend at the school (a young woman) she said he was “just joking” and to essentially “get over it.” I was very upset and told her that no has a right to touch me like that without my permission and it’s assault, not a “joke”. I was almost more upset that my good friend was so dismissive of sexual assault. I could see a behavior shift in the other teachers towards me. A lot of them were colder after that incident.
But, when I told an older female colleague/friend at the school (the librarian) she was so sympathetic and kind. She said that teacher was known to SA teachers and that he was gross. She told me I should report it and tried to help me. I felt so so much less alone knowing that the librarian was there for me and believed me. Having a sympathetic friend made the cold behavior of some of the others a lot more bearable. I reported the incident to my PAs (Prefectural advisors) and I warned the ALT of the school he was moving to to watch out for him because he had a predatory history. I know your situation isn’t the kind you would report, but talking to your PA, fellow ALTs, and kind-seeming co-workers who you feel you can trust will help you feel less alone. Knowing you have friends/allies at the school will make the coldness of the others more bearable.
If you’re not sure who to talk to about this or don’t have other ALTs in your area— a friendly older female JTE is a good bet. After I told the librarian I told my favorite JTE (also an older woman) and she helped make things feel a lot better and safer for me.
Also, all my fellow ALTs believed me and were behind me.
I was lucky because the teachers who were cold to me either stopped being cold or were people I didn’t care about as much. If you talk to a JTE you can trust, then their coldness hopefully won’t affect you as much because you’ll have kind people in the office behind you.
Honestly I’d find a new place to sit most of the time, set up a tablet in some corner no one will ever use. Keep conversation to essential work stuff with JTE’s/principal only, and def find people outside the workplace to be social with. It’s JET so there’s no real benefit or consequence to just becoming avoidant, really.. focus on gaining back peace of mind, not sh*tty people.
You messed up partner. There are plenty of crusaders who are going to defend Japan but let me real for a moment. Cheating in Japan is NOT treated like cheating in the west. Anyone who has been here even a few months should immediately realize that. Where you went wrong is you voiced your opinion and broke their 和.
Now I’m not saying you’re wrong. Hell, you’re right but this is what happens when you say or do anything out of line with the herd. Everyone knows he’s dating someone else but everyone will just mind their business and speak in hushed tones. Out of sight, out of mind.
As weird as it is, he and the other coworker probably now feel you’re a troublemaker.
I always advise JETs to as a general rule to refrain from proactively trying to make friends at work or with other work affiliated people. Make your own friend group with no connections and save yourself the drama.
It’s absolutely my largest regret on JET
He’s a weirdo and the other teacher he’s flirting with is a weirdo too. Neurotic people attract neurotic people. Just ignore them and take a breath of fresh air, kill them with kindness, be happy and smile and be polite and let life go on, even if it’s awkward now.
if you continue to freeze up, you’ll make it way worse
Sorry that happened to you OP, it can definitely feel really alienating when your co-workers are being cold to you in the office. I currently have that experience even though I haven’t done anything.
I think the suggestion of ignoring those co-workers and going about your day is valid, my supervisor told me to focus on co-workers that care about you rather than tunnel vision yourself on the ones that don’t.
It’ll feel cold for now, but eventually you’ll stop thinking about them. Stay strong.