For example, when my daughter was born, I received 20,000 yen from wife’s uncle and had to send back 10,000 yen worth of gifts.
When my mother in law sends us gifts, we send back thank you gifts.
I’m getting tired of it all. How about you guys?
https://www.reddit.com/r/japan/comments/v2z3ca/what_do_you_guys_think_of_the_お返し_system_in_japan/
27 comments
Its a good system tbh, America should copy it
Obligatory consumerism, not a fan of it. Thankfully, I’m not Japanese, so I don’t participate in it.
It’s very annoying. Sometimes you get caught in a never-ending gift-giving cycle.
If I ever get a gift, I just say thank you and change the subject. If I feel like paying it back, I’ll do it in a less formal way.
This may sound a little rude, but it saves a lot of bother for all parties involved. Also, being a foreigner, I’m somewhat exempt for some obligations of Japanese society.
If you don’t like it don’t do it. It’s not like it’s the law or anything. It’s like sending Christmas cards or tipping. Just accept how those involved may treat you or think of you, but ultimately it’s your choice to follow custom or not
I like to play the gaijin card on this one.
It’s tedious. Even for Japanese its tedious.
As an obligation, I can’t say I care for it.
But the attitude of being appreciative is nice.
With that said, almost anyone I ever receive anything from has eaten homemade desserts of mine, so I never feel any pressure to return the gift, but if I haven’t someone a dessert in a while, I’ll see that they get some of my next batch – whenever that’s convenient.
In general, I tend to lose out on the gift giving stuff because I don’t care for a lot of the cheaper gift items people buy in bulk like senbei.
I remember when I learned about it. I thought it was rather “cold”, if that’s the word – basing every relationship and transaction on mathematics. But there we are, that’s culture.
I’m not a fan of traditions with no practical value.
I also believe that gifts should have meaning rather than be obligatory. If I give you a gift it’s because I want to make you happy. I don’t want anything back unless that’s also your motivation, and I’ll still feel uncomfortable.
Fortunately, I’m not on the sort of terms with most Japanese people where gifts are being exchanged between us. My wife and I are both “Let’s just have a nice meal or something” people regarding birthdays, anniversaries etc. We buy presents for our son. My wife dutifully performs reciprocal gifting with her family members, but I remain hands-off about it. I just thank people for gifts to the both of us if I happen to see them later. No one gives me gifts meant only for me. Last time that happened someone gave me a parting bottle of champagne when I left my job and moved across Japan seven years ago.
“Benefits” of being an introverted homebody who lives in the boonies, I guess.
Long since tired of it, but it is what it is. If you go to an aeon, there is a section with gift catalogs. That’s the most painless way of dealing with it IMO. Find a catalog with the price you want. Pay the money, fill out the form, and the shop will send the catalog off to your in-laws or whoever. They can select a gift on their own and have it delivered on your dime.
It gets frustrating when you receive a gift and not money. Many times we get a gift we don’t need or want and thus have to spend money to give a gift back. That gets tedious. Especially during difficult financial months.
it’s fucking annoying
Bruh, we had to do that last month and I hated it. The only good part is that when you get larger gifts, such as whatever your in-laws usually give you, it’s OK not to pay back 50%. Sometimes a symbolic (lol) 10k gift is enough if it’s well thought-out, even if you got 100k.
I don’t do it cause it’s dumb. If you give a gift you shouldn’t expect anything back. That defeats the purpose of a gift. Of course if it’s a thing like your birthday, you get a gift from your friend, it is natural to reciprocate the gift on their birthday. But reciprocating just because you got a gift for some occasion? Dumb. If I get a gift from you because I had a baby, I’ll give you a gift when you have a baby.
What I like about the custom of gift-giving is that, when I see someone, it makes me think “What do I owe them?” In that sense, it cultivates feelings of gratitude. When you reduce it to some kind of formula, that’s when it starts to get ridiculous.
I also follow this custom, but not like “oh I got a gift so I need to send cousin Taro something next week”, but I will send cousin Taro a starbucks gift card on his birthday… Maybe, if I remember.
If I get given a gift (which is rare anyway), I will pay it back with a meal/coffee. Simple. Or even just a thank you if it’s a long term friendship where we give and take anyway. This whole transactional relationship thing really annoys me,.
The most infuriating thing about it is there’s an entire industry propped up on these so called “gift” items. Oh these are “gift” cookies. They’re in a special fancy tin, but otherwise taste the same as any other cooke you buy for a fraction of the price.
I always repay a gift by baking or cooking something for them the next time i see them. That ends the monetary feedback loop, but still shows a sign of grattitude.
Just send them a bottle of vegetable oil.
No big deal for me. I love getting gifts back! Often get something I never would have bought myself.
Big formal situations of money gifts, giri and okaeshi I’m ok with. The ‘rules’ are fairly clear cut. I don’t like smaller, acquaintance, usually via kids, kind of giri. That’s tedious.
We get some really nice fruit sent every year from a few different people. It’s fun choosing something different each year to send back. Good excuse to try nice snacks or cakes. I’ve always been envious of those people who can nick into the gifts pantry right as you’re giving leave and come out with some exotic can of gifted juice from some obscure village in Tohoku.
Edit to add : It’s a bit strange having to return favours to your wife’s mother. My MIL would never stand for that. Uncle I can understand.
Tedious but these customs do serve a purpose. It’s a way to mutually signal an appreciation of the relationship. Possibly also a way to virtue-signal one’s own appreciation for tradition. If you have some other way of signaling appreciation at equal “strength”, then not partaking in these rituals should be fine. If not, your behavior may be interpreted as you telling people that you don’t care about the relationship with them. Up to you if you want to take the risk. Could well come back to bite you in the rear at the worst possible time.
The most important formula in Japanese culture: 1 + ½ + ¼ + … = 2.
I’m Japanese and I’m simply ultra very happy that this culture is dying off.
Some gives me gift telling me I don’t have to return the favor. You can never really fully trust their words, and when I’m on giving side, I can’t stress that enough when I really meant to give someone a gift with no returning involved. But now that this thing is dying off, I can just take the word just as it means what it says. I don’t return none and I don’t give it unless I really want to.
I still do see some families that does that, but this trend totally died off in my extended family within 90’s. I do feel a bit sad when good tradition dies off, especially it’s part of the gesture to keep communication alive and whatnot, so I envy a teeny bit about your wife’s family. Though I won’t miss that. My ex’s was from rich family in country side and they were still following every damn traditional gift exchange. I helped her mom time to time but the amount of work you need to do every time was a bit too much. (She had to do that for the company that her husband runs, so she was sending to every clients.) Did she like it? Of course not. Everybody knows that the reason anyone still does it is because they don’t want to be the first person to disrespect the exchange culture in the circle. She told me in many occasions not to send shit to her because she just have to return it as if she’ll get punished if she didn’t send it. It’s not like I intended to send anything, but at least I didn’t have to feel guilty about it. This call is quite common.
My mom was calling my grandma not to send shit anymore, but I was happy my grandma sending gift for me so I was calling her later and asked for more lol But eventually it died off.
I don’t know how your Japanese partner thinks about this, but I think it’s totally okay to ask them to tell their parents not to send gifts anymore. Again, it’s not rare to see people telling another one not to send anything.
I never knew about the 50% rule. I just buy them chocolate or something. If they buy me something expensive like 20,000 yen I don’t care. I just give something that looks nice, but like 3000 yen. They don’t care either.
It’s fucking stupid.
Lol. Maybe my wife is cheap. When we had our daughter we got like 1k$ average from a few relatives and she sent them back a nice professional baby photo with a thank you. Granted I think we’re about to do baby tour visiting them over next month or two and bringing maybe $40 お土産. But we’re US based until later this year so I guess maybe the cost of the trip there makes up for it.
It’s a pain in the oshiri, especially when the gift you get back is a bunch of useless towels or pickles that you hate…