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So a little background, we met at University last year when he transferred here to play a sport. (I don’t want to say which sport, for privacy reasons). He was recruited from Japan and has been in the U.S. for 3 years playing this sport at a college level, and his goal is to go professional in America. However, that is extremely competitive and difficult to achieve. He has gotten offers to play pro in Japan from every team there–they *really* want him, he’s famous there for this sport–but it has always been his dream to play in America. Even if he has to join the “minor league” for this sport, he would do that over going back to Japan. Getting onto the minor league is a lot more realistic, but I am sure the chances are still less than 50%.
My dream has always been to be a veterinarian, or work with animals in some way. I am one school year away from completing my bachelor’s in veterinary science, and have hundreds of hours of experience working in animal research, vet clinics/shadowing veterinarians, conservation efforts (I studied abroad in Namibia studying wildlife conservation), etc. All that to say I have worked really hard to get where I am at today.
But my boyfriend desperately wants me to go to Japan with him if he ends up not getting to play pro here in America. He isn’t a big planner or worrier, and I definitely am both, so I’ve been stewing over it for months. I’ve talked about it to him, but he said the choice is up to me, which is true.
I have a few options (if he ends up moving back to Japan). One, I could stay here and complete my bachelors and do a long distance relationship for a year, then move to Japan. Unfortunately, the vet field seems to be completely saturated in Japan, and with no prior experience speaking Japanese, I don’t think I could use my bachelors degree at all. But at least if I decide to come back to America after taking a year or two to figure out if Japan is for me, I have a degree under my belt and I can re-apply to vet school without having to go back to undergrad.
Two, I could study abroad for a semester or a school year next year in Japan, while still maintaining my student status (which would help me keep my full-ride scholarship at my current University). Then come back and finish my undergrad the following year, or not, depending on how it goes in Japan.
Three, we could break up. Which is really hard to think about, but is unfortunately a very likely possibility.
My main concern isn’t with making money, because if I went to Japan with him he would fund everything as he would be making a considerable amount of money. So I wouldn’t mind doing something that pays poorly or not at all to begin with (e.g., internships, volunteer work) until I build up more experience with the language. My main concerns are finding community, and finding something productive and fulfilling to do so I am not spending all day waiting for him to come home. I want to learn Japanese, but without any experience it will take a very long time, so I don’t know what sort of stuff I would be able to do. My passion is working with animals, but I also love teaching. I am also concerned with how I’ll be able to stay there if I am not an exchange student or don’t have a paid job. I saw that you can extend a 90 day visitor visa for up to 1 year, but I don’t know all the stipulations. I can’t see us getting married for at least a couple years, although I could see him proposing to me at any time now or in the near future. I do want to say that I love learning about his culture, love the food, and think I would truly enjoy living there.
I would really appreciate any genuine feedback and advice.
5 comments
Get married and learn fluent, high-level Japanese. If you don’t feel comfortable/able to do that, then this moving to Japan is a bad idea.
I won’t give any specific advice but I can tell you my own story. My wife (Japanese) came to the US to study abroad where we ended up meeting and dating. When she went back to Japan, we decided to give long distance a try. It went fine for a couple years, I went there once a year and she came here once a year so we got to see each other a bit.
Eventually, it became too much to maintain the long distance relationship while pursuing our own dreams. Since we weren’t quite ready to get married, we decided to break up and focus on ourselves.
After a few years, we were both more mature and more established in our careers. We decided to give things another try and discussed what would be best for the both of us. We got married, she moved here and now we have a house and a kid after almost 7 years of marriage.
I guess my point is to focus on your own dreams separately and if things are meant to be then your paths will eventually overlap again. You are young and have plenty of time to be together. Whether that is now or 5 years from now is up to you.
It’s nice to see someone who understands the difficultly of becoming a veterinarian in japan, we get the occasional dreamer that thinks they can just show up and do it. If that’s really your dream I don’t think you should sacrifice it for your boyfriends dream, though, that’s a recipe for long term resentment. Finish school, and if your boyfriends career takes off then you can get married and come here on a spouse visa.
Weirdly enough I know several professional basketball players ( Japanese B league, terrible name) from America here and their wives ( also American ) dont really do anything and they just hang out with each other. You mentioned volunteering, I’m a volunteer with a cat fostering and rescue group, there’s organizations like that all over japan. They’d love to have someone with medical experience working with them, and if money isn’t an object you could basically do that to your hearts content. You’d even be able to meet with local vets and maybe over time you can get a job with one.
Money shouldn’t be your primary concern and never should be. (Sorry for the non-american pov).
What will make you more happy, getting a degree or staying with him?
You can continue your studies in Japan. No idea how well a degree there would work other places.
Learning basic Japanese isn’t that hard and it’s not truly necessary most of the time, but it definitely helps.
If it were me, I would go just because it’s the best country I’ve ever lived in. Everyone is different tho. All that matters is what makes you the most happy.
In my opinion, 22 is way too young to be thinking about marriage these days. I’m more concerned about the stability of the relationship down the line if you both go through with this. Even more so given that he is going to be a big time pro sports player, and as such, will have the opportunity to meet many women. I’d say that both of you should go your separate ways while keeping in touch. After some years if the spark is still there, then consider starting up again.