My brother-in-law’s wife is Japanese, he is not, and they recently had a child. I am from a culture where it is common, when you have a particular skill, to create a gift for the newborn with the parents’ help as to tighten the bond between family members.
I suggested we try this tradition from my culture. They wanted me to sew something for their child as I often sew, and since they are far away (they live in Japan and I do not) I asked them to choose an approximate style and fabric as a small contribution. I was hoping this would lead us to talk more and know more about each other as my brother-in-law’s wife never spoke to me (despite an attempt on my side to reach out to her)
However, through the entire process, she refused to speak to me and refused to participate, save for instances when her husband communicated to me that she vetoed something.
This made the whole process takes over a year instead of the couple of months it should’ve taken. Did I offend her for her to resist this idea so much? Is there something in Japanese culture against similar practices?
TL;DR: Japanese sister in law doesn’t want to talk to me and hates everything I suggest for a gift I want to make for her daughter
8 comments
Does she speak English?
Don’t think you did anything wrong. The issue is most likely something else. (she might be a bitch/has a fight with your BIL about family/totally did not understand what you were doing /postpartum issues /. ..). Certainly nothing culturally wrong with your gift suggestion.
Maybe it’s just me but isn’t brother in law’s wife like too distant a relation to do something like knitting their kid a sweater?
I mean I’d understand if it was like a brothers kid… maybe they just find it weird?
I can’t see how it’d be offensive. Maybe you just came on too strong or maybe she is upset about something else. But nothing is really standing out to me (source: lived in Japanese countrysidr for a year and have been studying the culture since I was a child).
I think the issue is just that brother in law’s wife is kind of too distant to do something like this
She might just be a bit of an arsehole?
Occam’s razor: she might just be an asshole
Even if she thought along the lines of 迷惑かけたくない (don’t wanna be a burden), expressing such open distaste or dislike for a handmade gift from a family member—regardless of how distant or culturally unfamiliar—is VERY RUDE in Japanese culture like most cultures.
If it were more like “No, no, no. I am grateful but it isn’t necessary. I will just accept your feelings as if having received the gift itself”, that would be a very polite Japanese denial. Doesn’t sound like the case, though.
People are people dude. Her being Japanese doesn’t seem to factor into this, but beyond that, not sure.
Nah, it’s not because she hates you or doesn’t like you or your gifts. It’s because she either can’t speak English well, doesn’t think families are supposed to be that close, or as others have said they don’t want you to go through that type of burden to make something and send something so big… they will literally think about the shipping fee lol and they will feel the need to give something in return, which may be, if they are super busy with the baby, not something they want to think of at that time.
Oh wait, she speaks English? How much of the culture does she know? If she knows well, as in more than 5 years, then I’d say yeah maybe she doesn’t like you.
It could be like a hard no from something, like bad hygiene or messy house or something. Not a lot of people feel comfortable getting something made thing or food or others from people with bad hygiene….