Hi, this is more like a vent and I do realize most stuff here is about technical problems in daily life, so I apologize if this isn’t the right place. It’s just that I feel like more people on this sub would understand my situation.
I’m fully Japanese but was raised in the US. I came here at the start of high school. I’ve always been extremely shy and preferred to spend time alone, but I feel like it’s just gotten worse in a way ever since I moved back here.
Most people who first meet me probably wouldn’t even guess that I have this unusual background. But as pathetic as this sounds, I feel “myself” most when I’m on the internet interacting with English speaking people. My interest in pop cultural is still on the western side and I don’t share too many interests with other young women my age here.
I can follow the rules here, but there’s this unexplainable discomfort with my environment and the people around me. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate many things here, but something seems to be telling me that maybe Japan isn’t for me.
At the same time, I’m currently in the third year of uni and at the peak of job hunting. Of course I’m going to feel stressed and have some sort of fear towards society.
So I can’t tell which it is. Am I just reluctant of going out into the real world, unable to get over my extreme shyness at 21, or would I be better off back where I used to be?
If anyone else here has similar experiences I’d love to hear it.
20 comments
Just like anywhere in the world, with a bit of experience you will find a place you do feel comfortable and start settling into every day life.
Do a semester abroad, Canada, Australia etc.
Then recalculate.
I think “becoming an adult” in the way many Japanese expect you to do has nothing enjoyable : dress in a suit every day, work 60h a week, never give your point of view, never “break the harmony”.
But going back to USA may be hard too, because some really good perks of living in Japan may seem mandatory to you now… And living in a country as a high-school student or a worker is not the same.
Maybe try to find people sharing some of your interests? Maybe the city you’re living is not the one made for you?
I may advise you to try something new in Japan before going back to the other side of the globe, but you’re the better placed to decide 😊
🙋🏻♀️
Similar background, I came back for college and have been living in Japan for over 20 years.
I was blessed to have a group of kikoku friends when I started college, and by having them, the transition into living in Japan made my life much easier. Maybe finding friends who have similar backgrounds and interests would be first step in overcoming your shyness.
Regarding job hunting: I said fuck it and focused on graduating. Once I knew I had enough credits to graduate, I started looking for jobs. Everyone is so focused on getting into the renowned big companies, but there’s so little you can do in your first year after graduating. Now with a lot more gaishis in Japan, I feel you have more options than when I was a student.
Adjusting takes time. For some it’s few months, and even years. At the same time, make the best out of your situation now than to hold onto what / how you were living in the US.
Best of luck, OP!
Hi, father here and I wonder if part of what you are feeling isn’t related to the intermix of cultures that are part of your core identity. I am no psychologist but spend a lot of time thinking about that sort of stuff, especially now that I am raising a kid in Japan but where we speak almost all English at home.
First off, adulting definitely feels like it sucks at first, but there are a lot of tradeoffs which help make it worthwhile, more balanced than it would first seem. So reluctance absolutely makes sense, but don’t feel like life is gonna be shit from now on, because it really won’t be despite having to take on more responsibility than you may be used to.
Secondly, if I understand you correctly, you are a young woman yourself. And although I obviously have had a very different experience here in Japan, it is my understanding that especially to someone accustomed to Western/American values, Japan can be incredibly fucking sexist and frustrating for women. So that may be a factor here.
As a counterpoint, being shy and possibly an introvert seems to go hand in hand with Japanese society, at least from my point of view, lol.
Anyways, if it helps at all, I have always felt a bit uncomfortable and an “outsider” in my native culture, so moving to Japan where I am literally the “alien” actually feels very comfortable for me. Maybe you would thrive more in the US, if that is an option available to you? If not, I would say just embrace your unique background and find other returnees and/or foreigners living in Japan with whom you may have a lot more in common.
From what I have seen, job hunting in Japan is a real beast so don’t get too discouraged, and do your best to leverage your unique background to get a not-shitty job. Especially try to get hired by a foreign company operating in Japan rather than homegrown Japanese Inc type places.
Hang in there, take care of yourself, good luck.
That’s to be expected really – when you have a different cultural background and upbringing to the people around you, it’s hard to find common ground. It’s not your fault.
It may just be that you’ve yet to find your tribe. Japanese cities, especially Tokyo, are home to countless little subcultures of people interested in everything imaginable. There will be kikoku-shijo communities, but you can connect through hobbies too. I got into the indie music scene here for this reason: many indie acts here take more inspiration from overseas acts than western ones, so the people who gather at those shows love western music and I can talk with them for ages. There are also lots of DJ events here that play mainly/only foreign music which attract a similar kind of person.
You’re still very young, don’t give up yet. It can be hard searching to find your place, but whether it’s here or in the US, you will find it if you look.
I’m not Japanese but I can somewhat relate to your situation. I’m a westerner who grew up in a more conservative estern European culture, then lived in the US for several years, and now I live in Japan. I came here with open mind – I wanted to integrate (as much as possible), learn the culture and language, and incorporate the best parts of the Japanese mentality into my mindset. No matter how much I’ve been trying to achieve these things, I haven’t succeeded (been here for over a year now). Because, I realized that for me – and that’s my personal opinion that has nothing to do with the value and beauty of the Japanese culture on its own – I don’t think this culture has things to offer to make me a better human being. In many ways, I ended up rejecting the ways in which people in Japan communicate and behave.
From my experience of talking with people of Japanese heritage who grew up elsewhere, none of them felt like they fit in when they came to Japan. It could be that the cultural / mentality differences are so big that, no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to overcome them. It could be that, if you overcome what sounds like some degree of social anxiety, you might find that the environment feels more welcoming. Maybe you just need more time. Or maybe you’ll never be able to adapt to this way of life. Only time and working on yourself, and critical self reflection, will tell.
Think about your values and the values relevant to the Japanese culture. Think about how you see your (ideal) future in terms of relationships, daily communication style and habits. Go explore if Japan can offer you an environment like this (you’ll need to go out of your comfort zone for that in terms of socializing). And then decide if it’s for you or not.
I think the only way to answer this question is to try living abroad and see if the feeling persists.
Just sounds like most young people your age dealing with large life choices to be honest, nothing out of the ordinary.
If your support structure isn’t quite what you really need then it’ll make things harder and put more pressure on you, but I think most people have had similar experiences at the crunch time and it’s exacerbated somewhat in Japan due to the underlying culture to have “chosen a path” at 21.
As for the shyness, perhaps it’s a generalised anxiety condition, which you may want to see a doctor about to clear that up, or it could be you holding yourself back through fear of making the wrong choices and again, that’s pretty typical of people your age.
Whatever life throws at you, and there’ll be some big hurdles to jump, it’s all about getting back up and never giving up. You don’t fail if you keep trying. Good luck out there. 🙂
There’s nothing wrong with identifying with the culture and language of the place you were raised in rather than the one you were born in. It happens to everyone who spends lots of time abroad; plenty of people here were born in other countries but have lived in Japan long enough to have developed interests and behaviors that fit with Japanese society.
You probably don’t think so right now, but job-hunting-wise, you’re in a great spot for the long term, should you stay in Japan and re-assimilate as a “normal” Japanese person. In the corporate world, a Japanese person with great English is seen as far more valuable than an immigrant with great Japanese. There are opportunities open to you that no immigrant would have a realistic chance of experiencing (and I say that even recognizing the disadvantage you’ll face as a woman). And even if you don’t want those opportunities, you can always go back to the US where you feel more at home.
Also, if you’re in college now, you probably have opportunities to meet other people in your position and make friends for life. When I was in grad school, I met all kinds of *kikokushijo* and other “irregulars” and everybody enjoyed learning from each other’s experiences. You may be shy now but it’s easier to make friends and bond with people now than it will be once you start working. Are there many people with backgrounds like yours in your classes around you?
I have a similar background to you. I’m fully Japanese, but grew up in the US and came back when I was 13. I, for the longest time, was convinced that I wouldn’t stay here long term (joke’s on me. I’ve been here almost 30 years now!) and all of my friends, teachers, and family all thought I would go back to the US to either study or work or both.
However, I started to realize more and more that my desire to move back to the US was entirely based on my childhood experiences – experiences that didn’t require me to deal with all of the grown-up things in life such as rent, taxes, insurance, etc. And the more that I lived here, I realized that life here isn’t all that bad if you choose to surround yourself with people who really get you, not to mention that a bachelor’s degree in liberal arts wasn’t going to necessarily open doors enough for me to get a sponsored job.
Seeing as you’re a college student, youth is on your side. Going to the US to see if that’s the better place for you is not necessarily a bad thing. As you get older, you’ll start to be more aware of the fact that your parents are getting older and require care. It will start to feel like you should stay close to them. This is a common thought expressed here by foreigners living in Japan (you’ll read about it here on r/japanlife every now and then) and can be a mitigating factor in you making drastic life choices down the line.
I can’t speak to what you should/shouldn’t do. It all depends on your personality. Are you the type to live in regret? The type to be overly cautious? The type who craves adventure? Only you can answer those questions and make choices based on what you think is right for you. If you still think that staying in Japan is uncomfortable, then you should give America a shot! If it ends up not working out, you will at least have that lived experience and know for sure instead of wondering “what if”.
Lifelong US dweller here, can confirm being an adult is generally uncomfy. I’m not sure it would get much better being elsewhere. That doesn’t mean “do nothing about it” though, so please keep striving for your goals. Best wishes and good luck!
I really feel you on the lack of feeling like you belong. I grew up in the US and my family is Puerto Rican. So we already had a sort of half Hispanic half American upbringing. Moving to Japan has only furthered that. Now when I return to the US I feel like I belong in Japan, yet when I come to Japan I’m just another foreigner.
What you need to find a group of supportive people/a goal for yourself that’s not necessarily restricted to geography.
I’ve learned that home isn’t necessarily a location but a feeling.
Uni is the best part of life in japan. If you think it’s bad now it’s worse later.
Honestly, if I was a woman I would get out of japan too :/
Sometimes shyness can be a bit of a feedback loop that makes getting out in the first place harder. For me at least. It just takes getting out and having a good experience with others that can remind me of how good it feels mentally and emotionally. And lastly, being introverted with a small social battery is OK!!
Make sure you don’t work for a Japanese company.
I’m a half that moved here last July. I feel pretty similarly. I figured you being full would make it easier. I suppose not. I’m still struggling with identity but I’m also in my 30s with 2 kids now in the Japanese school system.
It is my experience that a lot of the complaints I see here about living in Japan are very similar to problems you can have in America, but people experience these problems in their early 20s in Japan and think it’s only a Japan issue and not just issues you face as an adult in general. No matter what country you live in you will have difficult office politics, toxic people you are forced to work with or under, issues with relationships, issues with fitting in. You are at the age where you are experiencing particular road bumps on life for the first time and it can be easy to attribute these to japan problems instead of just life problems.
Japan isn’t for everyone. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re not some sort of failure just because you’re racially Japanese. If you’re happier in the US then make it a goal to try to go back there one day.
Find an event that sparks your interest. Enjoy said event. Exchange contact info with people there. Out of every hundred people i add on line, I still talk to 1 or 2 people regularly.
As far as people I feel comfortable being ‘me’ around, there are about 3 people in the entire world I could say anything to.
Since you are still at University, stopping by the local town hall and seeing if there are any cultural exchange events or events to promote local culture or crafts might be a good way to run into random people that you may or may not become friends with.
Its going to be kind of like working out. At some point you just have to get into a habbit of doing something social once every couple of months and talking to a couple people. Getting into that habbit is hard for many people. I also wouldn’t limit your socialization goals to just people of your own gender or age range. The most well connected people socially are the older folks. Find an old mangaka couple living in the mountains running a pottery studio and making weird ass coloring books, it makes life much more interesting.