Throwaway account just in case…
So, just to preface, I know I did a stupid thing and am now paying the price…so no need to mention it.
TL:DR; I let my wife see my easily misunderstood dirty puns messages I engaged in with a coworker (100% just in good fun, just our immature personalities), and now she’s threatening to sue me and my coworker.
VERY long version:
Me and my Japanese wife (who had lived abroad so is relatively fluent) l have been married for 2 years now. Things between us was never great…but not terrible. However, about a year ago, i started messaging a coworker on LINE. It was all in good fun, but some of the messages we sent could easily be seen as sexting. It was all just puns and the like, and neither me nor the coworker had any ill-intention behind the texts, just a couple of adults who never grew up and remained immature.
Well, a few months back, she had noticed and asked me about it. There was nothing to hide as it was just us being immature, making dirty joked, so I let her see…and of course, she flipped out.
Since then, she’s been consistently verbally abusing me for months. Yelling at me for being a cheater and being unloyal, telling me horrible things about me and honestly frightening me with how aggressive she would get. I honestly couldnt do anything because, as the foreigner, I feel like my words have no weight when against a native in Japan , especially when my Japanese is almost nonexistent.
I told her that living with her, being constantly yelled and degraded was enough and wanted a divorce. She denied, of course, and instead blackmailed me with threats of sueing me and my coworker. I honestly have no money, but more than that, I dont want her to sue my coworker who , while maybe slightly guilty in engaging in the immature banter, really did nothing wrong.
Just last week, she said she’s talked to a lawyer and has “started” the process of sueing me and my coworker. My wife had held this threat over my head for months, saying she wont if “I behave” but she constantly goes off over the smallest things. I cant just up and leave either as she handles all the finances so I only get whatever money she decides to give me.
Im on a spousal visa, so if I get sued, im assuming I lose my visa and will get deported as being sued for adultery is a “violation of law”? Honestly, Im not even sure if our texts could even be considered grounds of unfaithfulness…but im just scared of ruining my coworkers life so Ive been trying my best to behave for my wife…but I feel like she will, and has repeatedly said will 100% sue her, just to spite me.
Does anybody know anywhere I can get help or advice. I’ve seen people suggest consulting a lawyer for 30mins but honestly, I DONT even have the 5000yen for that… its gotten to the point where I dont care what she does to me…but im jusy worried about the consequences for my coworker. If all the backlash is on me, then Im 100% ready to face the consequences..but possibly ruining my coworkers life because we were just being immature kills me…
34 comments
Wow even if you did have an affair, and I believe you if you say you didn’t, this almost sounds like extortion on the part if your wife. Regardless this is not ok. If you say that things were never great between you,
You need to speak to a lawyer. I am a fresh off the boat new arrival so no help here, hopefully others can provide some free legal advice helplines.
Is there anyone you can borrow the 5000 yen off for an initial consultation?
Time to go bazooka my man. A rough patch ahead, taken HEAD ON. You are fucken Duke Nukem, and you’re here to kick ass & chew bubble gum – and you’re all out of gum. Go see your wife, tell her to go to hell, and make her sign the brown documents from the ward office (divorce papers). Let her scream and tell her you don’t give a D A M N, and that she should literally sue you cause you do NOT GIVE A SHIT. Guns blazing and all. You’re an absolute unit and nobody will stop you, especially not that crazy skank.
She’s got a tight hold on ya bud
Firstly, I’m not a lawyer so ask a lawyer. But in the meantime.
I found this article interesting:
[https://savvytokyo.com/letters-from-japan-can-i-sue-her-lockdown-weight/](https://savvytokyo.com/letters-from-japan-can-i-sue-her-lockdown-weight/)
Particularly:
>According to Japanese civil law, while you can sue his **affair** partner for emotional distress, there is no guarantee that you will win or be awarded anything
and here
[https://higashimachi.jp/en/column/1470/](https://higashimachi.jp/en/column/1470/)
>**The Supreme Court’s decision**
>
>The Supreme Court held that in order to successfully sue for damages in relation to a divorce, **it is not enough that the defendant had a sexual relationship with the plaintiff’s spouse**. Instead, such a claim will only be successful where it is found that there are special circumstances that forced the married couple to divorce, such as the defendant unduly interfering with the marriage with the intention of causing the couple to divorce.
So based on what you described, it seems highly unlikely that your wife could (successfully) sue your coworker for what is essentially a bunch of foolish text messages, assuming you didn’t actually have an affair and that you can prove that beyond reasonable doubt.
Even if you guys did have sex, it seems like it would be pretty difficult to sue her unless it could be successfully argued that she was *actively* trying to break up your marriage.
–
Plus, from my googling I was under the impression that these lawsuits usually only win when there is an actual affair (read: actual sex) and that also assumes your wife could prove you had an affair (or you admitted to it).
Other things that would work in your favor (if it really gets to her properly suing you) is if you offer to convene a meeting involving your coworker (and a lawyer present) to discuss everything. Your coworker can restate (the fact) that these were supposed to be harmless texts and that you never engaged in any physical activity nor did you ever plan to.
Hopefully at that point, whatever lawyer she decides to hire would decide the chances of winning are not high enough and advise her to drop it and make up with you.
But hey a well-made plan only survives the first skirmish with the enemy so..
>Just last week, **she said she’s talked to a lawyer** and has “started” the process of sueing me and my coworker.
Personally I doubt that. She’s probably bluffing because it seems like her case is pretty shaky.
edit: also I just found this (in Japanese):
[https://furin-isharyou.net/article/line_email_cheating/#:~:text=%E8%82%89%E4%BD%93%E9%96%A2%E4%BF%82%E3%81%AE%E5%AD%98%E5%9C%A8%E3%81%97%E3%81%AA%E3%81%84,%E9%81%95%E3%81%84%E3%81%AF%E3%81%AA%E3%81%84%E3%81%A7%E3%81%97%E3%82%87%E3%81%86%E3%80%82](https://furin-isharyou.net/article/line_email_cheating/#:~:text=%E8%82%89%E4%BD%93%E9%96%A2%E4%BF%82%E3%81%AE%E5%AD%98%E5%9C%A8%E3%81%97%E3%81%AA%E3%81%84,%E9%81%95%E3%81%84%E3%81%AF%E3%81%AA%E3%81%84%E3%81%A7%E3%81%97%E3%82%87%E3%81%86%E3%80%82)
(from DeepL because it’s almost midnight and I can’t be bothered, but it’s correct)
>*It was explained that exchanges of only lines or e-mails, where no physical relationship exists, cannot legally be regarded as cheating and no claim for alimony can be made.*
>
>*Nevertheless, the person being cheated on may feel hurt if they (the two people in question) have kissed, cuddled or gone on a short date, even if there is no physical relationship.*
Honestly it’s looking pretty likely that your wife would never win in a lawsuit because what you’ve done, while stupid in hindsight, almost definitely doesn’t cross the “adultery” threshold.
The same article also talks about the manner in which your wife found the text messages. The fact that you openly let her see the messages would work in your favor, as logically you would never willingly show her if you had something to hide (then again she could just lie and say she found them on your phone, it’s he said she said at that point).
So you’re sexting your coworker, and now that your wife (who handles the finances and everything for you) found out and is handing you the consequences for your actions, your stance is… defending the coworker you’ve been emotionally cheating with?
“It’s all in good fun, we’re so silly and immature, haha” …come on.
All these “my j-wife is so mean and unreasonable” posts really sound like fiction sometimes.
I’d be pretty furious too if I found messages like that on my wife’s phone. I don’t have anything better to say that hasn’t already been posted, but good luck OP!
Regardless of all that, your relationship with her is over.
Sounds like you both deserve each other tbh. An immature cheater and a weirdo control freak
She’s probably bluffing and hasn’t seen a lawyer, or if she saw one, they already told her that she doesn’t have a good case.
First of all, you should manage your own income. This has been going on for months and you still let her manage your money? It’s inconceivable that a working adult doesn’t have access to his own money. Next, consult with a lawyer.
It might be time to hit that old dusty trail back to wherever you’re from. Nonexistent Japanese and you don’t have 5000 yen? I’m sure you had a good run but your luck tank might be just about running on empty. Your coworker will be 100% fine. She’s bluffing.
>It was all in good fun, but some of the messages we sent could easily be seen as sexting
All in good fun. No harm, no foul. /s
>I feel like my words have no weight when against a native in Japan
What does this even mean?
>my coworker who , while maybe slightly guilty in engaging in the immature banter, really did nothing wrong
Step 1. Admit you both did something wrong.
What line of work are you in where you don’t make any money?
Did you marry my ex-wife bro? Are you dutch? Lol
Maybe open up another bank account and tell your work to pay into it, so you can start keeping your paycheck? There are English friendly places like shinsei and sony bank.
Soooo… are you gonna try smash that coworker of yours before you lose your visa and have to go home or..?
Might as well give it a shot, you’ve already come this far.
But most love hotels are around the 3000-5000yen mark, so that’s a little outta your price range unfortunately.
Oh yeah… Next time, don’t be showing that stuff to the wife.
But sounds like you were on shaky ground to begin with. Hope there’s no kids. Best of luck.
Prime example of two people that should have never gotten married.
Why did you get married if things were never great?
She can’t “sue” you. Nor can she sue the co-worker. It’s meaningless. It’s stupid. It’s a non-issue. The fact that she’s threatening a lawsuit instead of just a divorce is a massive red flag. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE CRAZY.
Just get a divorce already – there is *zero* reason you should spend your life with someone if you’re making each other miserable. This has zero to do with who is at fault – doesn’t matter. Get out of a toxic relationship.
To do that – grow a fucking pair and manage your fucking finances. You can’t be in a bad relationship AND have the other person controlling the finances. You’re supposed to be a responsbible, functioning adult, how the hell can you not have Y5,000 of your own money?
Open a new bank account to get your salary deposited there. Take back the debit cards / seals etc for your current account. Whatever it takes – take control of your life.
**I WILL REPEAT: I am NOT saying that your wife is totally to blame and you are blameless. I’m sure there’s plenty of blame to go around, and you even say yourself the relationship was never terrible, but not great.**
I am saying that you **NEED TO GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP**. Sad, sure – but thank god you don’t have kids (it appears). The relationship will only make the two of you – and by extension, everyone around you – miserable.
She’ll ‘sue’ for 慰謝料, claiming you ‘cheated’ (again – going purely on what you said, if what you said is 100% true, you did not cheat on her). You sue back for emotional distress. You can apply for divorce mediations, or sue for divorce. You can move out. Whatever you do – do NOT get into a shouting match. ‘He was yelling at me and it was verbal DV’ is the last thing you want.
If you’re on a spousal visa, you have six months to change to another visa.
Well, there is criminal and civil cases. If she sues you, that is a civil litigation and will not result in a criminal record or deportation.
Another poster indicated that winning a lawsuit in this sense is not that easy which I think so too. Usually lawsuits are only successful if you can prove some kind of tangible monetary loss, I.E. your cheating traumatized your wife so much she had to take days off work or something, OR that the other person maliciously tried to break up your marriage.
If you divorce or separate, that will make you ineligible for further spouse residence renewal.
My fiancé would be livid and break up with me if I did such a thing.
None of my exes would have liked it either.
Not a j wife thing.
You need to grow up, matey.
Oh it’s just casual bantz guys, we all send explicit messages to others in our offices right? Right?! No harm can come from it!
Uhh.. no. You messed up. In a country that has bizarre laws that actually allow for her to take you to civil court. Buckle up and message mum for a loan.
why are you so sure that your coworker is 100% on the same page with you and doesn’t see it as flirting?
Put judgement aside, I think your problem is that your life in Japan is wholly dependent on your wife, especially financially. Which I wonder why you challenge that. If you want a divorce quick and still stay in Japan, find another person maybe this coworker) to support you for a while. They won’t deport you immediately but you need to find a new grounding.
If not, either just leave japan or humbly beg for forgiveness as its not really a legal matter.
“Things between us was never great…but not terrible”
And you got married? First mistake right there…
How bad were the messages?
Joking about going to Aeon Town together is probably OK in court, making actual plans to meet for pasta, booking a hotel, discussing who will bring the adult toys etc. might be enough evidence for the judge…
You fucked up. You’re probably not being 100% straight about it.
Your wife dialed it up to 11. It is a reaction completely disproportionate to the original offense. You don’t get carte blanche to abuse the shit out of someone because they fucked up first. Anywhere.
You need to talk with your place of employment and see if you can register a different kind of visa.
You are also (for the most part) entitled to stay the length of your current visa, so you’re not beholden to staying in this marriage.
If you don’t have a skillset that can allow you to stay here without being a dependant, I’d advise not staying here.
Time to eject, pull chalks, exit stage left. No kids, nothing to lose. Good luck & then please update us in 90 days when you’ve divorced your “wife”, moved out and are boinking your co-worker.
Oh yeah you fucked up
Hindsight’s great and all, but in hindsight *never* mix work stuff into your personal phone, computer, etc.
All saucy banter with your colleagues *must* be carried out on company-supplied equipment.
Hope you find this comment among the downvotes (been there, done that, multiple times):
1. Your wife needs concrete proof of cheating to sue. Messages are enough, but she needs to have access to your messages, a screenshot or something like that. Only her word is not enough.
2. Did she really consult with a lawyer? The first thing a lawyer would tell her is to save these messages from your phone. Make sure she has NOT done that.
3. If it wasn’t clear until now: make a backup of the chat just in case somewhere only you can access, the safest way possible, and then DELETE the conversation. Block your coworker on line and make sure the messages are not backup in the cloud (login on line PC and check if you can still see the messages). Change your phone password and do not let your wife take your phone. If you need, change devices and keep the old one outside of your wife’s reach (work, with a friend, etc). Without proof, she has no case.
4. If she already saved your messages, you are fucked. Best you can do is damage control and convince her not to sue your lover in exchange for something (maybe stay married, promise to behave, etc). According to article 724 of the Civil Code, she has 3 years to sue, after that you (and your lover) are free.
5. It’s very easy for a private investigator to get proof of your cheating if your wife hires one, so do not cheat anymore until the situation is fixed. Do not see your coworker outside of work, and do not message her at all. No “farewell” date, meeting to talk about what happened, or anything like that, don’t be stupid. Just cut your contact with her.
6. At last, start working fast on your divorce and don’t submit to emotional blackmail. How long are you willing to stand that situation?
Um, throwaway account but same ISP…
It would be easy to find this thread, and the vocab you’ve used, including the word “cheating”, will sink your ship with any decent PI.
Lives in a country, doesn’t learn the local language, still able to marry a local, still doesn’t learn the local language, relies on the local wife for everything and still acts like an immature idiot.
Japan women sure can pick them.
Well obviously this marriage is over. Don’t try to extend it, because your wife is never going to get over this. She has every right to be pissed off, and now you need to accept that you have to leave.
I have no idea why you gave her total control over your money, but you need to take back control of it. There is no such thing as a joint bank account, so you must have the bank account in your name. Just take back control of it. Grow a spine!
Bro. Grow the fuck up. Here is what you do considering your limited Japanese.
Go to city hall, give notice of leaving the country. Use google translate app if you have to. Say you wont return.
Book a flight home, borrow money from family if you can/have to.
Let your employer know you will be leaving a month in advance.
Start packing your bags ahead of time before you tell your wife.
For the last week or so, have a very cheap hotel/bnb booked.
Tell her you are moving out, tell her you want a divorce. Tell her she is free to go and get the paper herself now and you’ll sign it, or she can send it to you later and you’ll mail it back.
Move out, fly home.
What is so difficult? Anything preventing you doing this?
I realise there is more nuance, like the fact she seems to have all the money you earned. However you are never fucking trapped. You have your ow agency if you want it.
You just need to put up with hell and be frank. You want a divorce, get the money you are owed and leave. If she tries to sue you, just deal with it from your home country(where it probably wont get very far).
Not to condone your emotional cheating but if your income + savings satisfies their requirements (i.e. low enough), then you are eligible for free legal consultation at [https://www.houterasu.or.jp/chihoujimusho/tokyo/](https://www.houterasu.or.jp/chihoujimusho/tokyo/)
​
You can use their free service for a maximum of 3 times. Call the # indicated in the website. they have English-speaking operators and some offices can provide you an English translator during consultation
There is a subreddit devoted solely to making fun of the people in this subreddit.
I used to think that was needless and mean.
Now I don’t know what’s satire and what’s real anymore.
What kind of job/life situation are you in where you can’t afford 5000 yen as a grown man?
How are you even planning on buying a plane ticket home?