I’m teaching English in a small town, today outside the supermarket an old man and woman called out to me. I’ve seen the old man before, he offered to buy some of my groceries for me in the past. This time he just offered a drink from the vending machine so I accepted. The two of them ask me where I come from the standard questions, he asks if I have a boyfriend, I didn’t want to lie to I admit I’m single, he then joked (I thought) about being my boyfriend, which I laughed at and pretended to not understand. He then took a photo with me and asked my ph no. to send it to me. I tried to avoid it by just using my line QR code, but he then walked me through how to call him when I faked not knowing my ph no. Stupid of me I know. I was immediately uncomfortable, but wasn’t sure if it was just the small town friendliness. He then called me tonight, inviting me to have lunch with him tomorrow.
Not the first time and I assumed the woman was his wife. Not so. I walk to his house for a coffee invite to make sure I know where to go to find it’s just us. He offers seating in the kitchen or living room/his bedroom, I go for the kitchen. I drink coffee, turns out he’s an enka instructor, we chat about music, he’s a good host. He talks about how its hard to live alone and offers his home if I ever need company at all. It starts getting late so I start saying that I need to go to bed so I should head home. He offers me his bed, I refuse. He offers to walk me home, (me still in denial in my head, the dudes a grandpa FFS), I accept to just get going since he already knows which apartment complex I am (small town, he’s just down the road). We start walking and he takes my arm, I assume he’s just trying to be a gentleman then he puts his arm around my waist. I was getting very uncomfortable. He then stops at the end of the street giving me a hug which I return to be polite and then he tried to kiss me.
I turn my cheek and he tries again asking me ‘Nande’ but accepts it. I then finish the hug step back and then he said something about boobs then TOUCHED mine. I immediately freezes and he says something like ‘Oh I touched it sorry’. I just nod and say goodbye, walking quickly to my apartment, (I don’t think he followed me further so he doesn’t know where I live precisely, thank God). He then calls me and I tell him I’m at home, and that sorry I can’t come to lunch tomorrow I’m meeting another friend for lunch. He then keeps pressing and asks if it’s because of earlier. I say it is and that I’m not comfortable coming tomorrow for lunch or dinner. He eventually accepts this and keeps apologizing I just say that’s okay but I’m not coming tomorrow. Which he accepts. I said maybe we’ll see each other at the supermarket again and leave it at that.
I’m freaked out. I’m not sure if the boob touch was accidental but I don’t think it was. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m too much of a pushover, saying daijobu and matakondo. But the guy was a very apologetic old dude (pervert?). I don’t know if he thought I was flirting to him. Bloody hell sorry for the vent. I have no experience with this sort of thing. Should I tell a coworker?
17 comments
I’m sorry this happened to you.
If he continues to contact you, I would definitely tell a coworker or someone who could help you.
In the future, if you get weird vibes from people, tell them you’re late for an appointment and get out of there.
That’s definitely sexual harassment and totally unacceptable if you are not comfortable with it.
Sorry that it happened with you but take it as a lesson to stop such advance right in the bud as soon as you sense it from creepy people.
I’m not sure if Reporting to police might calm things down for you emotionally but letting someone know about it just so that its logged would be better.
Dont feel sorry for the guy nor for yourself. You did great to stop him at the end.
Doesn’t matter if he’s a grandpa or a grandma, if you’re feeling uncomfortable walk away! Sounds like he was trying to check how far he could push you.
I’m sorry to hear about what you experienced. You may want to speak to your work / close coworker.
Do you think you can block his number / LINE? If things escalate, you should keep all records and report to police.
Also, please don’t feel bad about what happened, and if anything like this happens again, please be assertive, and tell them no means no. You don’t owe them anything.
So, you gave him your phone number after he asked if you had a boyfriend, then you went to his home. Why didn’t you just tell him you weren’t interested in the first place?
I’m not blaming the OP for what happened to her and that old man is a major assh*le for doing what he did. But there are times when it’s safer to say something like “I’m sorry, I’m busy. I have to go now,” or “I have no time, I’m going to an appointment,” and walk away.
Sorry it happened. Just keep being very clear if he contacts you that you don’t want to meet.
I hope it doesn’t happen, but if he ever approaches you unexpectedly, don’t hesitate and remove yourself as quickly as possible – go to a koban.
Him being old and lonely is no excuse and don’t feel bad for him at all.
Okay I’m going to assume you’re new here. Like really really new. Like FotB new.
1. Don’t feel obligated to be polite, if someone is making you uncomfortable leave/be rude/be loud and rude/be loud violet and rude as the case may hopefully never warrant.
2. Most social interaction here between the opposite sex is done in groups. Meeting a man alone and accepting his invitations to be alone further is generally considered a date. For instance if a woman I wasn’t already friends with invited me to her apartment, alone, there’s a pretty strong indication here of interest in a non puritanical nature. Same for guys inviting girls over.
3. Honestly it sounds like he tried to signal interest in more than friendly friendship and you didn’t give him an indication that you weren’t interested or receptive to. He attempted to move things further and after not receiving a stop stepped over the line so to speak and your reaction told him he’d gone to far and he backed off and tried to recover the interest he felt the 2 of you shared. I have a number of female friends I am touchy with, my understanding is that I’m friendly touchy rather than sexual touchy. This is not to say were the situation ever appropriate I’d kick them out of bed for eating crackers just that that’s not why I hang out with them. If the touching seems creepy or sexual it probably is and if your not interested you don’t need to be polite. If they were ever to tell me hey you’re making me uncomfortable I’d be fine with it and you’re under no obligation to protect anyone’s fragile masculinity by being polite.
So advice time. Tell anyone you feel comfortable telling. You’ve broken contact with him – keep it that way. Don’t accept any further invitations etc where you know he’s going to be there. If you meet at the store certainly be polite but don’t feel obligated to talk to him or engage with him. A simple polite “oh hi, nice to see you, I’m busy” should be fine. If he persists in trying to talk to you a polite I’m not interested thanks and leaving is more than you owe him. And I don’t think you’re a pushover, you’re in a new situation where you’re not comfortable with the social signals and afraid of offending someone. Remember that you don’t have to worry, it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, and telling someone they’re invading your space in a way you’re uncomfortable with is never wrong.
Big city advice always works. If you feel uncomfortable, just ignore and walk away. Most people in big cities in Japan don’t talk to each other anyways and there’s no such thing as small talk. So do this same advice in the same town.
“Maybe we’ll see each other at the supermarket?”
After all of what happened?? Should have said to never come near me! Let him know firmly.
Being polite is great, but not when it starts to have a negative impact on yourself.
The grandpa is totally at fault but you could have avoided it much earlier.
I’m so sorry you had to experience that
You’re the victim here for sure, especially if the boob touch was intentional (though I guess that’s still up in the air even inside your own head). Sorry, you had to feel uncomfortable.
But at the same time, I am curious on why you weren’t able to just cut communication or simply walk away from the circumstances. Reading your story if sounds like you realized a lot of red flags going on before the incident happened. Equally important to getting victims justice is for us to honestly be accountable for the situations we facilitate and foster for ourselves.
Hope you are able to find the proper guidance
It was intentional harassment. This guy has practice steamrolling women into doing what he wants with this technique. He’s not harmless, and this was not okay.
Tell a coworker. Also, talk to someone local who you trust about what happened.
Also talk to your landlord (if you’ve got a friendly one—at least talk to someone nosy and friendly in your apartment complex) so they can alert you if the old pervert gets extra creepy and lurks around the building. Small towns are good at looking out for community members—so let them look out for you, and inform them. Someone will probably do a subtle roundabout “don’t do that, the town is watching you” communique with the creepy old man.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Definitely tell your coworker.
Lessons learned. Unfortunately, just about every man is a horny idiot. Please exercise caution and don’t ever go to a man’s home alone unless you are absolutely sure about who they are and what their intentions are. I can’t ever forget about that young eikawa teacher who was murdered by her student. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Lindsay_Hawker
Call the cops
I totally get why you won’t able to refuse correctly – as someone who started new life in a new country twice, sometimes your brain just freeze when something new happened.
Imagine when I was in the States, I actually asked a classmate (male) to my newly moved house. Cuz it’s not that furnitured I asked him if he wants to watch Netflix although i am fully aware the notion of Netflix and Chill… just can’t master those nuance that smoothly. Imagine the awkwardness when I say sorry I don’t mean that.
So, I would say your case might not have a sound legal standing if you report, but it’s not your fault. It’s normal to encounter this kind of things. I’d say many Japanese old men are weird and be a bit more alert.
Don’t lead them on next time. For real.