First, I’m sorry for the usual boring topic but here goes;
I’ve been in Japan for close to 20 years. I like it here. I have a family here and a decent job. I live up north where population is dwindling. My job gets harder and more demanding every year but I’m actually making less money than a decade ago at the HS. My daughter will enter that HS in April but she really wants to live in America and experience life there. My wife does not want to go. She has lived close to her mother our entire marriage. We currently live next door to her mother in one of her mother’s properties. It’s cozy and practically free, plus it’s permanent. Our youngest is only in elementary school still. She’s going to be in grade 6 next spring and will be playing on a very strong and strict Bball team. My dad is the same age as my wife’s mom but works every day and I have only seen him a handful of times since I’ve been in Japan.
I feel like I should take my oldest daughter back to the states so she can experience American life and I can pay off school loans, make better money, and spend a little more time with my dad. My job here is secure but I’m just a glorified show horse for them and they will never give me any real title or upward mobility. Plus my salary is maxed out and as I said, it’s actually been going down a lot due to bonus cuts so the school can stay operational. I don’t hate my job but I’m getting there because we have a new principal who is making everything more difficult on top of cutting bonuses.
I think my wife will come live with me in America eventually and she always says, “just go and stop complaining.” Sigh… I’ve tried to explain it would be a good financial move and that we would come back to her family home in 5-15 years. However, she definitely won’t go with me the first year. That’s ok. We’ve lived apart before for work. I just don’t know if I’m being ridiculous for thinking that I can make more money as a teacher in the states. And I don’t have to teach, I’d do just about anything to get my loans paid off and get some money in the bank.
So, what should I do and why?
Thanks for reading
31 comments
Only you can decide, of course, but some thoughts:
If you have family in The States that could host your daughter for a year or four, she could experience America that way. I know multiple families that have done this.
I also know families that live apart for extended times, sometimes for the reasons you cite.
If your wife says she doesn’t want to live in The States, don’t expect her to change her mind. That seems a bit manipulative. It seems reasonable (in the absence of her saying “no way!” up front) to hope that she visits every so often.
If you feel caught in a trap, making some kind of change may be mentally healing. Whether that’s moving you and your daughter to America for a while, or changing jobs here, or whatever, at least making some kind of move can perhaps jolt you out of the rut.
Good luck, OP!
Nobody is gonna be able to tell you what to do. I’m sure you know that if you’re wanting to read something specific, then you already know what you want to do. You gotta talk it over with your wife and look at real employment options. Talking, discussing, not complaining…
Are you just telling yourself that your wife would follow you? Or would she actually? Nobody here knows her, so we can’t say. I’d hate for your family to break apart because you mistakenly believe she’ll follow later. Similarly, it seems unfair to move your youngest when she might not want to. On top of that, international moving can be emotionally straining and really hinder development. For both of your daughters, is their English good enough to transfer smoothly into education? Will their Japanese advance, or even be maintained? I know several people who were moved as children and have under developed language abilities that will hinder them for their whole life, being bilingual, yes, but with a pretty simple vocab set, sentence structure and reading difficulties.
You could send your older daughter to the US on a homestay/study abroad or to live with your dad for a while, or even just send her over this coming summer to experience it for a short stay and let her see what she thinks?
When I went back to the states, I *made* more money but *had* less money. Rent was crazy, car/insurance was crazy, minor medical issues were expensive as hell, etc. My quality of life was generally much lower, and you may have forgotten how taxing it is to be worried about, well, everything all the time. And that’s not even getting into how everyone seems to be full of selfishness at best, or hate and vitriol at worst, everywhere you go. Japanese may be somewhat cold and distant, but I’d take that over entitled and argumentative at the slightest provocation. There are nightmare bosses everywhere, but my experience with the corporate world in the US was soul-crushing. It was pretty rare to run into anyone who seemed content, much less happy. The only plus side was getting out in the wilderness on weekends and leaving it all behind (which if you live up north, you can probably actually do here in Japan). After 7 years back, we packed up and returned to Japan, and I seldom question that decision (exceptions for when I see pictures of BBQ, Mexican food, Nashville Hot chicken, etc., on the internet).
You might make more money in the US.
You almost certainly will *spend* more money. I don’t think people realize how expensive it is living in the States, unless you’re living in the middle of nowhere – in which case, you can stay where you are.
Finding work, insurance, housing, cars – two cars, because your high school daughter is going to want to drive around – gas money, car insurance. Internet! Mobile phones! Literally every single thing you can think of, I suspect will be significantly more expensive in the US.
I think there’s a very strong possibility that you won’t make any dent on your schoo loans and such. And are you going to work and take care of the house, cooking etc? You’re in the states, will your daughter want to travel? But you can’t, ’cause you’re working. School in the States is….very different. She gets homesick, are you going to turn around and head back?
However, you should try to spend time with your dad. It seems like you work at a school – why don’t you and your daughter go spend a month in the States with your dad this summer?
In the meantime – dude, grow a pair and figure out how to make more money here in Japan! New skills, side hustles, whatever.
>I think my wife will come live with me in America eventually and she always says, “just go and stop complaining.”
Nothing to sigh about. She’s giving you the OK to go and take your older daughter to the US. You’ll have a chance to connect with your own father and your daughter will get to experience life in the US – which is her desire in the first place, right? Sure, it’ll be hard on your younger daughter but mom and grandma will be around.
I personally am of the opinion that the wishes of children trump those of the parents. So, if my own kid said to me that they want to live in the US, I’d take them. Obviously I would want my wife to come too, and hopefully she’d recognize that moving together for as a family creates the most stability, but ultimately I’d rather fulfill my kid’s wish of a new life elsewhere over…what, just keeping up the status quo here?
What teaching credentials do you have?
I’ve also been here 20 years and have an elementary school student and a MIL fairly close by.
It’s a tough call, because you are well into your career here and because your wife isn’t keen. OTOH, I do find it very reasonable and I’ve thought about moving back at least for some period of time.
Perhaps instead of hypotheticals what you could do is take some real actions and investigate wrt see what kind of practical problems you run into? E.g. – you’re a teacher. Are you certified in any state? If not, what would it take financially to get that cert, could you do it from here first, and what is the starting salary in the area you’d move to (keep the pension in mind too). There is a teacher shortage. Not sure if there is a shortage where you’d want to live. Can you get an informational interview with a school?
In terms of your children, what grade would they transition into and is any kind of evaluation necessary for your kids to enter that school at that grade in your destination?
Where would you live what is the rental market like (it’s a bit tough right now) in the area.
WRT your wife….hmmm…the one thing I’ve spoken with mine about is that it may actually be better to go to the US sooner, while her mom is in her early 70s because this is still sort of the early retirement years. If we were to wait until our son graduated, her mom would be in her 80s and then what? And then there is the importance you place on your children being intercultural and bilingual. These are the tough parts of international living!
For the sake of your daughter, take her back to the US and have her live there. Way more opportunities (and money) for her there than there ever will be in Japan; unless she is happy to just be a housewife forever, in which case Japan is heaven-on-earth.
“My job here is secure but I’m just a glorified show horse for them and they will never give me any real title or upward mobility. ”
That will never change, so get out while you still can. Being trapped here sucks.
I think you are out of touch with how much things cost these days, no offence. Are you sure you can find employment after being away for 20 years?
I think what you choose to do somewhat depends on what part of the US you’re from and to what extent your daughter has experienced “American life”. I’m also assuming your daughter is totally bilingual.
The reason i say this is because I’ve met many Japanese, some who actually do have family in the US, who have a very romanticized idea of “American life”, much in the way a wide-eyed weeb has a romanticized idea of Japan. If she knows what it’s like and she still wants to, I think it could be a really good experience for her.
Other options, depending on your cultural predisposition:
Send your daughter to high school on her own. Totally ok where I’m from.
Send your daughter there with one parent on rotation. I know one Indian family who did that.
Take a sabbatical / separation / etc.
Why not change jobs in Japan?
Find a remote work job? Seems like it solves all your problems. You may have to retrain but that’s life.
Your daughter doesn’t need you chaperoning her in America, if you want to go, she can’t be used as an excuse.
Send your daughter for a 1 year exchange program by herself.
I did that between middle and highschool and can only recommend it.
Maybe you could all meet and travel at the end of the stay?
No need to uproot your entire family.
Bloody hell man, that made my arse clench something fierce 🙁
I know nothing about teaching.
However, I have suggested *corporate training* as an option to folks in the past.
Can you:
* Learn new stuff well enough to transmit that knowledge to adults?
* Construct your own teaching curriculum, for the lifetime of a product?
* Teach adults, some of whom may be untamed savages in the sales force?
* Teach customers?
* If you can do this in both English and Japanese, it would be even better.
If you can use a computer, then make a list all of the companies, stalk the person that you need to address by name, write to them advising when you are available for interview.
Bear in mind that because you definitely have PR by now, you can also work remotely for any company in the world. You could even split your time between Japan, USA, Singapore, Australia, and India.
Good luck!
For the “experience American life” part, another option could be to have her attend summer schools or go there for university. I’m not sure it’s an ideal solution for your financial situation though.
I wonder if you really could save more money in the states though? Unless you have family you can stay there with for free you’d have to pay probably a pretty high rent there. You said now your home is basically free. Plus separate electric, gas, water bills and food costs and everything. Teachers in America also don’t make much money so with rent on top of that I’m not sure..
Could your daughter do a one year exchange or something? I don’t really know where to point you but programs do exist. Maybe try asking the embassy? Or Japan-USA council?
For you/your family – ever thought of a third country and going to teach at an international school?
“just go and stop complaining.”
I would recommend you look for a job and if you get an actual offer letter with all the compensation spelled out, then and only then should you seriously consider moving. As someone else posted, you might make more in the US but that place is a money pit.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago and ultimately decided to bite the bullet and move back to the US. Sample size of one and our situations aren’t exactly the same but for me it was the right decision.
It’s been a year and I can honestly say my entire family is happier here. I’m making a good living, bought a house, my kids are doing well in school, even my wife is happier here (which I was very worried about, tbh).
Health care is expensive and really just stupidly complicated BUT you can get decent low-cost plans ($200-400 a month depending on subsidies) through the healthcare.gov that will at least save you from going bankrupt in case of severe illness or injury.
I did have a job lined up before I got here though. As some other commenters have said you should definitely have a real plan in place for a what you will do, if not a job offer, before you move.
Also, get started on your wife’s visa ASAP if she’s planning on joining you. Spouse visas are hell, take 18 months, and need to be done before your wife moves to the US.
Whatever you decide to do I really hope it works out for you. It’s a tough decision. Wishing you the best!
What should you do? I mean that’s really for you to decide.
For me seeing my dad a handful of times in exchange for my wife to see her mother everyday is a compromise I wouldn’t be willing to make. Let alone my kids seeing grandpa probably even less than that. But each to their own, you’ve obviously decided that bit is ok so I’m not sure why you’d want advice on that.
As for earning potential in a quiet part of Japan, let alone in HS, is as you know limited. Many jobs and industries can make more in US. But do you have the skills to do it? How old are you? Can you retrain? How do you afford the initial upfront cost which is much higher? If you can’t do any of those then I don’t see how you’re actually making more money in US.
Lastly. Where should your kids grow up? Do you want them in the US or again a declining population part of Japan? Many on this sub have fled Europe and US for their own reason to come here. But equally there’s a big question mark around growing up in a rural(?) part of Japan, what future you expect them to have? That said again if they go to US and if you have no real financial comfort, what can you provide for them there?
Questions only you can answer really but these are the things you should be thinking about
Try for an international school
I guess I’ve lived a similar life. I partly chose to stay here because my wife has a very large extended family nearby. It’s been good for my daughter growing up and my wife and her mom are very close. I’ve made my trips to visit my family back in the U.S. over the years, but they are all spread out. So overall, staying in Japan has been the better option.
My daughter struggled in junior high, by the way. Both in studies and with friends. When it came time for high school, I had her come to my private high. She still struggled with studies, but thrived as a person. She had friends, and my fellow teachers looked after her. They had also known her since she was born. I cannot express, though, how much of a joy it was to see my daughter every day at school, happy and laughing. I gave her space of course. But I felt lucky to have had that experience.
There are times when I, too, get frustrated being the only native teacher at my school. But my understanding and care of the students, along with my Japanese ability, has become so much stronger. I care and do my best to teach English and make positive changes. But at the end of the day, I just want my students to grow, to mature, and to feel joy being at my school whether it’s for studies or sports.
In the end, you need to do what you feel you need to do. But I’m pretty sure I am where I am supposed to be, even though there are sometimes difficult days. Too many things lined up, too many roads connected to put me where I am. Best wishes to you.
I think an important part of information is where in the US would you be going? Rent, cost of living and crime are high right now in many places. Also your commute would be something to consider, you would probably need to buy a car also.
I did see you mention that you might consider teaching, the two HS teachers I know both work two jobs so their pay is not high. And again depending on where you move you might have to worry more or less about gun threats.
I think you should go. It’s a great opportunity for her. You know how many people would kill to have that opportunity? Lots.
Here’s my 2 cents: you are asking this question so you subconsciously already know what you want. I say go for it. You don’t want to resent the fact that you stayed, years from now.
Well as I see it, you are tossing a coin. With your background you’ll probably not live the good life in the US either but maybe you can make it work. You have a stable life here and you can probably ride things out till retirement. Logic would say that staying here is the mathematical better choice.
However emotions are not logical and if you are miserable here, that’s a problem. If your dad was to die in your absence, that would also be hard on your soul. But also consider your wife’s position. You would put here in the same spot as you are now. With her wanting to spend more time with her mother and worrying that she might die in her absence. Also consider that your wife will be less able to adjust to life in the US then you were able to adjust to life in Japan. She is probably in her 40s now? That is a hard step. Especially depending on her English proficiency. She might be absolutely miserable. So you are also tossing a coin if your marriage can hold.
In the end, best case scenario is that you go to the US and find a good job. Your wife goes as well and adjusts well. Her mother is healthy. Your daughter also gets along well. Worst case, you go over find a shit job are gutted by the ridiculous rent prices. Your wife is miserable and divorces you. Your daughter doesn’t like it either and goes back to Japan with her mother. Anything within that range is possible, how realistic each point is is for you to decide.
In the end, you have to be honest with yourself:
– Can you reasonably expect to get a better job and life in the US than what you have now?
– Will your wife be able to adjust? Will your daughter be able to? Or do you just want them to be ?
– If you wife does not play along, what is more important to you?
Since you asked for opinion here is mine: If you go to the US you will loose your wife and will have shitty work opportunities. Hard to tell how your daughter will do. You are romanticizing life back home. However, you are miserable and not doing something about it is a recipe for disaster. Same as wanting to be with your dad. Maybe explore your feelings and see if there are alternate options rather than just “go to the US or stay in Japan/change nothing”.
Left Japan last year after teaching 5+ years. Couldn’t find work, (had interviews, no offers) and now I’m headed back. So make sure you find a job *before* moving.
Just go and stop complaining. You’ll eventually find a economical solution.
Your dad will help and he deserves seeing you and your siblings before he gets to old.
Going or staying, you will find problems anyway, either way.
I am not going to tell you what to do, but it does sound like you are stuck in the false dichotomy of thinking your only choices are
1. Status quo
2. leave and move to the USA for an extended period of time
I think it will benefit you and your wife if you can break it down a little more and think of more flexible options and to really look at the basic needs of everyone in a way that is not bolted down to that simple binary shift.
Here is some things I would think about:
– It sounds like your wife is shutting down the conversation – you might be served to find a way to open that up a bit. Express your need to her to discuss this openly and much more carefully. Couples counselling could be helpful – it is not just for couples who are on the brink of divorce, etc.
– You need a much more detailed picture of what you living in the USA would look like – with options – how will you remain connected as a family? Will your wife be willing/able to join you in the USA for weeks/months at a time? etc.
– If you live apart and are not intentional and on the same page and confident about your relationship, it could be the beginning of the end of your marriage.
– USA is not all streets paved with gold. Inflation is really bad right now. Cost of living has gone CRAZY. Your expectation that you can do much better financially if you move to the USA may need to be managed.
– What are your wife’s need? She is ~~obviously~~ probably shutting down the conversation because there are certain comprimises she does NOT want to make or even be asked to consider.
– What other ways might you have your needs met? For example, negotiating for more financial support from your wife’s side of the family so you can spend time in the USA and bring your kids.
– What other job opportunities exist for you in Japan? It looks like it is time for greener pastures.
– If you move to the USA what jobs await for you here? Will they make you happy? Will they really offer you a drastically better financial situation?
-If jobs in your area are crap, then maybe you need to ask your wife to propose some solutions of her own. I really don’t get the sense from what you are saying that she is doing much constructively to really make this better.