Ive been making excuses for it , but I have to be honest with myself. I keep telling my friends and family that im enjoying Japan and teaching here. However in reality these months especially from October has been an absolute nightmare.
1. The eikaiwa company I work for sucks. I have 1 day off weekly for this month and they dont care how I get there just as long as im at work on time. Ive been making excuses for them for a while two. But no they are just corporate monsters. This job is what it is, for a visa and i would advise only to stay for 1 year or even less. The salary sucks too. students are mostly good. But some care more about the fact that im not white than actually wanting to learn from me and acknowledge me for my education.
2. Ive been trying so hard not to think this way, but im finding Japanese people in general absolutely horribly difficult to deal with. I find so many people to be oversensitive about absolutely everything. If i even look at someone they get offended and even people who youve known for months will quickly turn against you if even a slight rumor starts. A student I was actually very proud of quit because I was ”too friendly and familiar”. The lesson before she quit I shared a bit about my Indian and Chinese roots and told them how chinese new year is celebrated in South Africa. I thought this student would be interested because she studied in China . People in the cafe I usually go to have all of a sudden become assholes and arent keen to even talk to me anymore. I do nothing wrong I just do my own thing and focus on my own work and am friendly and talk to anyone if they look keen to talk. This all happened after one of the waitresses saw me look at another waitress. She mentioned it to another waitress behind the counter. In reality I hadnt seen that particular waitress for a while and I wanted to greet her. Now since then they have all become weird to me. Its like wtf just because I look to acknowledge someone doesnt mean I wanna date them? i feel like people purposefully misinterpret my actions and judge me so ruthlessly here. They also have no.empathy that im from a different culture which relies heavily on eyecontact. How am I supposed to know all this shit? Do I look Japanese?People know ive only been here for 7 months. I hate that I feel this way but i must admit it . I feel horrible that they all of a sudden became cold after 7 months of knowing me and talking to me because me looking at one waitress was interpreted as me somehow being interested in her. i just dont want to even talk to Japanese people as ive become so wary of them. Im not even keen to interact with my Japanese friends as im afraid theyll just turn their back on me for some trivial reason. I feel bad for feeling this because I feel that its unfair for me to judge a whole group of people but I just cant help feeling this way even though I may be misreading things. But i just want to air my thoughts on how im feeling whether im misreading things or not. i admit a lot of the complaints of racism I was overthinking in the past and it was probably just xenophobia rather than color based racism but i am being honest when I say im finding people here frustrating and the cultural barrier so hard to get through. It makes it worse that people here expect me to know everthing.
*Note At the cafe I talk both to the male and female staff. Its just that that cafe is dominated by female staff.
With this all said I could be just depressed and frustrated with all the overtime and lack of sleep. I miss the friendly people of South Africa. I acknowledge that im probably just ruminating and overthinking everything because of my homesickness and depression. I wont lie I do feel some people are extra harsh to me here but perhaps im just going through a rough patch. You may be thinking im a nervous wreck but its just so lonely and frustrating. I have a big established friend group back home and I miss them.
my question is what tips do you have for me to get over this horrible stage of moving to Japan?How do I stop feeling this way? when does the depression stage end?
26 comments
Where are you located? It sounds like you are working for an eikaiwa somewhere in shitty inaka (countryside).
You mentioned your Indian/Chinese roots. If you were white, you’d be treated a bit differently (sad true here).
I have been here for over 6 years and I still find it difficult to socialize with Japanese people in general. It’s easier with folks who lived outside Japan and speak English – by speaking I mean they understand cultural nuances and communication in English. But still, there always is this “invisible wall” you can’t get through and actually “touch” or “feel” an authentic human soul, that natural “click” between people.
Naturally, it all depends on people and I can’t generalize whole nation like this despite the apparent obsession with uniformity here.
From my experience, I’d suggest:
– don’t overthink reasons behind their actions
– don’t take it personally, shake it off (this would lower your expectations, lessen the weight harsh feelings you feel even though they might be justified)
– don’t try to conform to everything, you’ll get destroyed mentally
– if you really are in inaka, gtfo to bigger city/region
-find a different job if possible
– connect with some other expats to keep your sanity
– focus more on your hobbies/life outside the work
Step one is don’t work at a shitty eikaiwa.
Step two is to make some friends.
Once you do these things you’ll probably feel better, and don’t forget if things don’t improve you can always go home.
Looking after yourself is priority number one.
I dunno man, sounds like you might be better off going back home. Nothing wrong with going home. Regardless of whether it’s fair or not, nobody here cares what’s common in your culture. If it’s offensive or weird here, it’s offensive or weird, end of story. Occasionally you get a gaijin pass for certain social miscues, but that’s mostly a privilege for white people.
Step 1. Go to your local izakaya
Step 2. Drink
Keep in mind you might just be experiencing the end of the “honeymoon phase”. It’s not uncommon for people who move internationally to get depressed around months 6-12. The novelty of the new place wears off, and you start seeing the reality of your situation, which is never as glamorous as in your fantasy. That said, there’s also a tendency to romanticize your home at this point, and have some “grass is greener on the other side” feelings about your former life that may not be exactly accurate. I’d say try to stick it out until the end of your 1 year, and see how you feel then. You might change your mind, or consider other options that aren’t “go back home”.
You mentioned that you start talking to people at the café. Actually that’s kind of weird here. Strangers don’t usually talk to each other. Of course we have to talk to the staff, but just keep it to normal ordering. It’s not normal to talk otherwise.
I am from the US where people talk to each other even though they are strangers on a train or in a café etc. As a half Japanese and American, this is where my Japanese dominates. I really dislike strangers talking to me. I think Japan is a place where extroverts will feel rejection.
Try to realize that it’s a different culture here and adapt to that, but meanwhile find compatriots here or online that you can relate to at the same time
You’re burned out from working too much in a probably shitty Eikaiwa. I didn’t start to enjoy Japan until I got a better job. You need to have a plan to improve your life, in the short term and long term.
Hey, it might be worth it to go back home bro.
And there isn’t anything wrong with that. Sometimes things just don’t work out.
“I do nothing wrong, I find people to be overly sensitive, how am I supposed to know, do I look Japanese,” etc.
The above is all incredibly defensive, self centered and frankly just as insensitive as the people you’re accusing. The expectation for them to understand YOU, to go outside of THEMSELVES to understand YOUR cultural sensitivities is unrealistic.
Lots of Japanese people, especially in rural areas have never left. My wife had never been more than 2 hours away from where she grew up outside of a few trips when we met.
You have to take the steps and make the effort to a certain degree. They don’t owe you anything. You came here. Example: you go to a pizza place that only sells thin crust cheese. Where you’re from, it’s thick crust pepperoni. How fair is it that you go there and explode at them for not having thick crust pepperoni?
Now, what can you do? Meet them halfway. Ask why people do the things they do. Ask if you did anything wrong. Ask. Talk. Communicate. Communicate your feelings. Explain how things are where you’re from. If it still doesn’t work out, move on and find a new group. If you put in the effort, detach and try to grow, make mistakes, communicate, all those things and it still isn’t clicking, going home or switching to a city area may be the only options you have.
Hey Niko, I don’t usually comment here, but I have seen some of your posts time and time again. Just a bit of my background, I have RSA roots, but became Canadian later when my parents moved. So, I get where you are coming from. I feel since this was your first gig outside of Mzansi, in extension the motherland, it can be very overwhelming. I remember my first time being young and into this different world that was different from what I knew. It was easier to traverse then, because Canada is a great place to make lifelong friendships with a diverse group of people. From then, living in other countries was easier I suppose. Perhaps maybe move to Tokyo? Or try and find support groups (maybe on FB ) for Mzansi folks in Japan? I know the community is fairly big. If not, try the expat meetups, there’s a few on the meetup website, with open minded friendly locals in attendance. Who knows you can even make some great friends through that. I am mostly in Inaka (very close to Tokyo) with my in-laws, but don’t mind coming through here and there if you ever want to meetup and chat. Stay Strong.
Do you work in the countryside or a tiny town? My friend had a similar experience and hated it. Lots of gossip about him and bullying. It’s so different out there. I can never see myself living in the country side. I know so many people that teach in Tokyo and don’t experience any of that.
Try to follow similar hobbies and habits you had from back home. Live day to day, do anything that pleases you.
If your contracted on a visa remember it’s not forever. If your on a spouse visa there’s time to improve your situation.
If you drink go make friends are the local izakaya, or if you have hobbies focus on them, others will join you with similar interests
Look at the bright side of things often. Don’t focus on what is bringing you down
1day off a month…you dont get weekends?
How are you supposed to enjoy life here if you have no free time to enjoy it.
Look for a new job and quit this one.
I been here on JET and have so far liked it, though can’t compare JET to a crappy eikaiwa. I’m thinking it more has to do with your work being so bad and demanding…I think from there it’s bleeding into the rest of your life. Japanese people are more reserved when it comes to foreigners…maybe they feel you are going to be leaving soon and are not putting in much effort, I don’t know.
A few people are like, hey it’s ok to give up and go home. And it is. However… I think you should try South Korea. I taught English in Japan and SK and it’s was very similar, but also very different.
TL:DR Try South Korea it might suit you better.
A few of the things that are bumming you out, might be better over there. Koreans are less… cryptic about what you are doing wrong. If you are offending them, they will straight up tell you. There’s no mystery about how you were maybe offensive and didn’t even know. Trust me, you will know. And it’s harder to be offensive. If you are in someone’s way there’s none of this sumimasen bullshit, people just put their hands on you and move you so they can get past.
There’s a large South African expat community over there. Obviously you don’t move to Asia to hang out with people from home, but it is nice to have the support of people from the same place to have a bitch with. I thought there were so many South Africans over there because they were not eligible for JET but they are for EPIK, but I just looked it up, and South Africans are eligible, so… maybe it changed? Whatever the reason, there are far more of them teaching English in Korea than in Japan.
Hagwon is the Korean equivalent of Eikaiwa and is it shitty and possibly scammy? Yes, absolutely. But you can wear casual clothes, there’s none of this putting on a suit because English teachers must look like ‘professionals’. There’s less rules about not becoming friends with students (might vary school to school) and it’s just more casual in general. I didn’t have to take my nose ring out like in Japan.
There’s not anti-tattoo bullshit, you can go to the gym, sauna, pool etc.
It’s more modern than Japan, (wow, you can pay for things with your atm card!) but less convenient. Your local combini might close at midnight and you might have to walk more than 200m to find a vending machine.
Maybe you already dedicated a lot of time to learning Japanese, but if you can learn hiragana, you can learn hangul. You already know the subject + object + verb sentence structure, you just need to learn new words. And more people speak English anyway.
The karaoke and drinking culture is the same, the food is great once you get the spicy tolerance into your system, the bullet train is great, people are fun. The apartments have heated floors. Heated floors!
Some people just suit one more than the other. I only went back to Japan because the snow is better. Reading what I just wrote I’m wondering if I should improve my Korean and try go back in the future lol.
Obviously everyone is different but I think it is common to first feel Japan is amazing, then hate it (where you are at the moment) and then it level off somewhere in between. For some the “somewhere in between” isn’t enough, for others it is.
Certainly the job doesn’t sound like it is helping/healthy. Being miserable at work can negatively impact every other area of your life.
There are many countries that u will be happy but maybe Japan is not one of them.
It took me about five years to finally adjust to the culture and settle into my life here. I had a really hard time adjusting to the differences in communication styles between US culture and Japanese cultural.
I also worked for an eikaiwa for the first couple of years I was here and while most of the students were good the school itself and the Japanese staff were terrible. I also learned it’s a bad idea to try to form friendships with the students because they don’t view you as potential friendship material. The first time you say or do something that offends them they will run to the school manager and complain about you.
Fortunately, after a couple of years I was given an opportunity to join an international trading company as a partner and that got me out of the eikaiwa business. That was the first step in helping me have a better life in Japan.
The only advice I can give you based on my own experiences is to get your Japanese language skills up to a point where you can communicate effectively in Japanese as quickly as possible. Once you can do that you can go out and make some Japanese friends. Having Japanese friends and allies who can help you and support you makes a big difference in how well you can adjust to and navigate this culture.
After that I would say follow the social norms here and do things the Japanese way. When you can communicate effectively in Japanese and do things the Japanese way it makes it much easier to fit in and be accepted by the Japanese people around you.
Finally, beware of jaded, bitter expats. They’re nothing but trouble.
Culture shock is a genuinely measurable phenomenon and can lead to depression.
Typically people begin feeling culture shock about two months from arrival. This is because for the first few weeks you’re preoccupied with a full change of routine, conscious and unconsciously you’re adapting to new sleeping patterns, food and naturally work. After about three weeks your body and mind start normalizing things, you start to accept your routine. It then takes a few more weeks to process all the differences and if you susceptible, fall in to a form of shock. Confusion and a low mood typify it and if your conscious of it it isn’t hard to focus on the midterm and push past it. Being goal focused, building a support network, are good distractions but if your isolated, have little control over routine and are faced with little variation or longer term opportunities the ‘shock’ quickly turns to depression and depression compounding bad habits an behaviours.
OP sounds like he never got passed this.
I think I’ve posted this on another post of yours before but do you speak Japanese enough to go drinking with people? Just go to a bar and talk to people.
Japan is not for everyone, just like anywhere else. Some fit right in, others, not so much. Even the ones that have been here for decades. How is your Japanese level? Talking from experience, those that thrive in Japan tend to possess a good level of Japanese and, unfortunately, those with low Japanese ability tend to struggle. That’s the reality of living in a country that doesn’t really speak English.
Eikaiwa has a very low bar for entry so the pay reflects that, unsurprisingly. If you have any other marketable skills outside of teaching English, I recommend you try changing jobs, preferably an international company. That will make living in Japan easier if your Japanese level isn’t quite there yet.
Alternatively, you could switch from Eikaiwa to being an ALT which is much more relaxed environment and typically comes with lots of holidays. Be careful as not all ALT dispatch companies are created equal. I’ve heard some are just as bad as some Eikaiwa but there are couple out there which has good reviews.
Alternatively, if that all sounds too much, maybe it’s best for your mental health to just go home and recover. You can always come back.
>Im not even keen to interact with my Japanese friends as im afraid theyll just turn their back on me for some trivial reason.
There well may be another post on Reddit right now where your Japanese friends ask for advice on why their South African friend has seemingly turned his back on them for no apparent reason.
Maybe a foreign country isn’t for you… maybe it’s something you can learn to enjoy…. but judging from the quality of your prose, English is not something you should be teaching.
Google “culture shock curve” — a few images should pop up that may show you where you are and what to expect. Try to not take things so seriously for the time being; you’ll start to see a light at the end of the tunnel before long.
*And if you grew up in SA, you could also be experiencing a touch of seasonal affective disorder — winter in Japan can be really bleak for anyone who grew up where it’s warm and sunny.
Be white and you’ll get positive discrimination. haha
If you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you’re the asshole. If the entire Japanese population is an asshole, go to therapist.
You’re going there too frequently, and they are thinking you have no better place to be. Also, they are trying to find a reasonable conclusion as to why you hang out there all the time. When you ‘accidentally’ oggled the hostess while another one was paying attention to you, she felt the need to start gossip because 1. You are a foreigner 2. Because you are always there 3. Because they are bored AF 4. You are not their type.
Ever heard of the following office saying? : When a guy pays an office girl attention, and he is her type it’s a compliment. When a guy pays an office girl attention, and he is not her type, it’s creepy with a tinge of sexual harassment?
Familiarity breeds contempt, that’s why the Japanese husband isn’t in the house on a Friday night, he’s either working, or out with friends pretending to work so his wife doesn’t call him a good for nothing.
Girls are girls everywhere in this world, and will behave functionally the same way.
Don’t be so needy, vibes are real, and when you exert a needy vibe, you repulse others.
Your spirit, your ki, your mana, chakra, this shit is all real.
Don’t turn around and say it’s cause you ain’t white, the problem is with your attitude & expectations, homeboy！
I hate to say it, but as a foreigner you are already pre－ labelled as weird by the stereotypes formed about them through media. Don’t make it easier for them to poke fun at you. Go somewhere else, and calibrate yourself.
Chat up the girl a couple times during different visits, leave it at that, if she isn’t busy doing her work, and willing to speak to you, she will open a conversation with you.
You are just planting the seed for a convo to take place. If you keep chatting her up, you are putting her between a rock, and a hard place. Should I choose between my job, work reputation, or this needy customer？
Depression is a serious medical illness:
[https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression](https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression)
If you think you have depression please seek medical help. Talk to your friends and ask help.
Your well-being and health should be top priority. I think it will be better for you to go where you feel happy rather than living in misery.