[tw: suicide] A student committed suicide over the weekend. It’s business as usual here.

33 comments

1. They will address it in some form for sure. For sure their homeroom teacher and the school is gonna have a huge challenge of doing that right but they’ll do/are doing something.

   Also, not knowing the language can mean you’re missing a lot of the more subtle things going on around too

   But without going too deep into it all, I do wanna say that the same way you isolated yourself to cry and let it out, there will be others doing the same in places you don’t see.

2. It’s speaks volumes about your character that you care so much about this poor soul. I’ve had suicidal ideation too, so I understand that pain.

   Remember that the Japanese are very private, so although they may look ‘business as usual’ they may be feeling something’s quite profoundly inside.

   This is new and raw for you, so allow yourself to feel what you must and process. Reach out to someone you love or trust, or find a service (like TELL Japan) if you need.

3. Been there. Yeh it can be hard. Trust me your teachers are just as hurt they are just keeping face as per the wishes of the family. Somethings might seem cold but schools have their way of doing things and most of it as at the families request. Just follow your JTEs lead and find a good friend to confide in after work.

4. It’s definitely hard being in a school when this happens. You can’t really “pay your respects” or anything, you just have to grieve silently on your own. Take a mental health day if you need to, and maybe journal about it or something to help you work through your feelings. But, yeah. You’ll be expected to say and do nothing at school.

5. There is nothing you can do but put on a brave face at work if it’s affecting you. Keep in mind that you’re an adult and also seen as an authority figure at school so the best thing to do is to literally keep things moving/business as usual.

   Talk to your friends outside of work if you need to. Even if you personally knew the girl, there is little you can do but go along with how the school has decided to handle things.

6. [deleted]

7. I’d be careful posting mate, this suicidehas made the news, it might get back to your employer that you’re commenting on social media, I’d delete your op if I were you..

8. I worked at a school where this happened. It wasn’t my student, and in fact was a junior high school student that I hadn’t met. (I worked in the high school.)

   However, her deciding to take her life has had a profound effect on me. I too remember sitting through meetings (teachers room) where this was announced. An announcement was drafted up, that we were meant to tell all of our students. I carefully translated it in my downtime, and I was thinking carefully about what I could say to my students in our next class.

   Then there was a change, and it came through that the family had asked the school not to say anything. Nothing. We were instructed not to say anything to our students.

   Honestly, I hold this up as one of my breaking points with Japan, when I realized I cannot and never will feel at home here.

   I too was deeply affected. I was pretty friendless at the time but managed to go for a drink directly after work with someone I could talk to in person. That helped.

   I am sorry that I wrote so much about my own experience, but I absolutely understand and empathize with your feelings. If you need anyone to talk to, please don’t be shy to reach out.

   Take care.

9. I agree that the fact you care so much about it shows how great of a character you have.

   When I was in JHS in my home country (America), a student committed suicide. When I was in high school, a student was killed by a truck while jaywalking. In both cases, their close friends cried a lot but everyone else (even the teachers) were business as usual. This is not a Japan-only thing.

   I’ve also had friend kill themselves and, again, besides their closest friends, everybody tends to go on business as usual.

   When I was working in JHS in Japan, a teacher died. The staff didn’t tell me and I was the only one at the announcement (when we told the students) who was not wearing black. I was only told after the announcement that a teacher had passed.

   ​

   As for everyone’s reactions: It’s probably a mix of people who genuinely didn’t know them and don’t care, and people whose coping mechanism is to cold-face it all.

   Perhaps it was a student who never came to school, so you wouldn’t have known their face or notice them not there (since they were never there to begin with).

   The teachers at least, while they all may be sad, still have a job and need to put on a face. If the teachers bawled in front of the students, what would the students do/think?

   ​

   It’s hard to get over a suicide that close to you, whether it be a co-worker, friend, or student. In some ways you might never get over it. But it does get easier. Good luck.

10. Privacy is a very strong matter here in Japan. Some families will request that nothing be said.
    Even if the teachers feels disheartened they have no choice but to carry on and be professional about it. Let alone they can’t burden the other students with such information. Japanese don’t generally like to make a big deal of things so this is a very typical way of dealing with this kind of event. Most likely all the classmates will assume the person is just absent and eventually assume they just stopped coming to school. If she had close friends, eventually they will try to check in on her and word will spread quietly. Also, unless you were close to the student, the parent will most likely not want you to come to the wake. The only thing you can do is respect them in your own bubble. Life is tough, sometimes we can’t reach anyone. But if you ever find yourself in a situation to help or make an impact then do what you can.

    I hope you feel better soon. It’s a tough experience to go through.

11. I have been through something similar. DM me. ♡

12. The parents may have requested that no information is relayed to the students in the school. This happened before at one of my schools, so no kids in that student’s class know anything other than he transferred out.

    It may not be something the teachers or school can even do anything about. They’re just better at keeping quiet about it because… that’s the thing they do about most everything.

13. What should they have done?

14. In the US, a classmate committed suicide when I was in high school and I still remember the same.

    Everybody knew, but nobody addressed it. The kids talked about it in whispers until everyone knew… and then nothing else. The teachers/administration never addressed it.

    The only time I ever recall it being “discussed” was when they had to address how to “deal” with it in the yearbook.

15. We had a few jump off the roof over the years. Due to the privacy laws we really can’t do anything.

16. The Japanese people care but they won’t show it in public. This is the Japanese way.

17. >I’d like advice on how to move forward if possible.

    If you think this will stay with you, seek professional help. You can find a therapist who works over Skype or, if you’re in Tokyo, there are plenty who will meet you in person who speak English.

    At work – don’t do anything. You know, and you’re privileged to have been told. You said that it’s business as usual but…as you said yourself, you don’t speak the language well. You don’t really know what’s going on around you, who is talking to who about what, what people are feeling on the inside despite outward appearances.

    >The kids seemed unperturbed.

    It’s entirely within the realm of possibility that the family of the deceased doesn’t want the rest of the class to know.

    And it’s neither your job nor your right to go about and spreading the news. Let the school admin do what they will, even if that means they do nothing at all, and take care of your own mental health first.

18. I hope you can take some day off to take care of yourself. This is truly sad and heartbreaking.

    – Japanese are very private. It’s likely their family has requested the school to keep silent about it.
    – The school might not have the proper mental support /care for all of the kids. We, as adults, feel it’s very heavy and hard to process, imagine how bad this might impact the teenagers if it’s addressed/talked in public, but you don’t have enough resource to provide emotional supports for the kids.
    – The teachers might not be as cold hearted as it seems. They are probably just trying to be professional in the work environment. Deep down we are all humans.

    Hope you can get support you need. *hug

19. I found [this document](https://www.schoolcrisiscenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Guidelines-Death-Student-or-Staff-Booklet-Format.pdf) (Guidelines for responding to the death of a student or school staff, by the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement) helpful. While not everything applies here (in Japan), it did help me.

    One of the more important things for me, at that time was, coming to the realization that such guidelines exist. I am certain all schools/BOEs in Japan have a similar document that they follow.

    I once read a quote, that stuck with me: Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.

    Unfortunately and sadly, death is a part of life. It’s sad whenever life comes to an end; but for those of us who still remain, remember that our time is limited, and to make the best of it.

20. Thanks guys for all the comments. I don’t have the energy to respond to all of them, but there is some very good advice here and I’m saddened to hear this isn’t an uncommon experience.

    I understand that the family likely wants things to stay private, and that the teachers are doing what they can to save face for the students. I respect them for it. though I wish I could do something to express my condolences, I realize that allowing everyone to grieve in their own way may be the best option.

    I appreciate everyone who’s responded. Thank you

21. Okay, you might want to talk to a therapist. Preferably one in Japan. In English, of course, but someone who’s also familiar with living here. Hugs to you, but remember you’re not in their heads any more than they’re in yours.

22. I don’t mean to sound cruel OP, but this story is on a major news website including the school name too. You might want to take this down for your own privacy.

23. First of all, I’m very sorry this has happened and I can tell you’re a very empathetic and sensitive person. Please try and remember there is probably a lot going on behind the scenes and the language barrier may seem like nobody is doing anything. Also, (and this is part of psychology) it is much better to keep moving on business as usual because suicides are contagious. Whenever suicides get publicized highly in the media for example, suicide rates spike. I’m sure the school and teachers are doing all they can to make sure the students get the support they need

24. When I was in high school in the US (graduated 2011), it was the same way. The most they did, was offer counseling to close friends (I heard that through the grape vine tho so idk if that’s even true) No announcement, no explanation, nothing – only found out because of social media. 3 students committed suicide that I knew of during HS. My senior class was 400 and in the Biblebelt so I guess the attitude was it’s bound to happen. There was a huge movement for awhile not to talk about it so it doesn’t encourage copy cats (I think that’s been disproven now but idk how much better this would be handled in the US nowadays).

25. I don’t see an ability for me to message/chat you— but I’m a trained crisis hotline volunteer that has experienced personal loss related to suicide.

    I just moved to Japan this week but I’d be happy to talk through some of the emotions you’re experiencing (all of which are totally valid by the way) if you want to reach out.

    Glad to hear you’re starting to feel better. Stay strong ❤️

26. This is a terrible situation for all but it also really needs to be business as usual. Students and teachers that need time off or need help should get it. But having big services and closing the school does sometimes make students dwell on what happened and you get more suicides.

    I have had a teacher and a student commit suicide (or at least try) on school grounds. It helped that we could keep going, but for some it helped to be away from it for a little while. A number of teachers and students took a week off each time. Find what works for you and your students. If you think something at your school would help, advocate for it.

27. im sorry to hear that 🙁
    may i ask which prefecture please?

28. If you “don’t speak much Japanese”, you don’t really have any idea what people are talking about, nor do you understand what the principal said. Not sure why you’d assume the worst – he’s a principal running a school. No mental gymnastics required.

    There was a suicide at the local school when I was living in the UK; according to families of students that were enrolled there, it was business as usual as much as possible and counselors were available to anyone that wanted to talk to someone.

    As it happens, there was a suicide at my Japanese school when I was an exchange student almost 40 years ago. I didn’t speak much Japanese at the time either. It also felt somewhat like business as usual, there was a big gathering in the auditorium where the principal and another teacher spoke to students.

    It’s interesting to note that the teenage suicide rate in Japan (and Korea) is actually *lower* than in the US, Australia or Canada, even though Japan and Korea are viewed as having ‘cram school hells’ etc.

29. I agree with the comments saying take a day off to privately grieve. The teachers are probably feeling it as well but have no choice but to be calm. For both the privacy of the family and for the sake of the students. It’s part of the professional to have to be the calm one in any situation and to not cause unnecessary strife for the students at school. It sucks and the other teachers are probably feeling really shitty about it as well but life really does have to just move on. This isn’t only Japan btw, I was in education in America too and it’s just the way things are. We’d be told horrible news but have to keep face for classes.

30. 死にたい doesn’t mean they are dead

31. Robert Frost quote I think, one thing I learned about life is that it goes on.

32. Personally I think that something should be said by the school/teachers. everyone should have a moment to acknowledge that a young person has lost their life and be allowed to feel that. I’m sorry to those affected by her death.

33. I’m Japanese but Western-educated between the US and Tokyo. More than a decade ago, one of my best Japanese school friends’ dad committed suicide when she and I were about 14. She told our friends nothing about it, and stopped coming to school for about a month and a half. We knew something was desperately wrong and found out soon enough, but couldn’t get ahold of her. In the meantime, my parents and I (being culturally insensitive in hindsight) looked up funeral homes in her area. I don’t know about privacy policies now, but in those days, everything was still done over the phone, so the home assumed we must’ve been next to kin or close acquaintances, and gave us details on the procession. Obviously we wouldn’t show up without an invitation, so instead I sent her a condolence card and some flowers.

    I don’t think everyone would agree with what I did, and I admit that it was a gamble I took. Fortunately, years later as adults, my friend confided to me that my card gave her so much comfort when she didn’t know how to grieve for her father publicly, much less privately. By the way, I still don’t know most details about her father’s death to this day. Despite having sent the card, that was the most I allowed myself to intrude. She doesn’t tell us anything, so we won’t ask her anything either.

    I respect that Japanese people are very gracious in handling personal matters and family emergencies; it takes immense strength to carry on as usual when deep inside, they might be crumbling to pieces. I’m sorry to hear about this girl’s tragic death. Maybe several of her close friends are in pain too, and it takes an emotional toll on some people when they can’t reach out for the support they need. But as a teacher, as someone who has a professional obligation to protect student well-being, I feel it might be best for you to look out for your students from an appropriate distance. If someone approaches you personally, you can be there, listen to them, and guide them to the resources they might be benefit from (ex student counseling or involve other faculty members).

    Again, very sorry for the loss. All the best.