A feeble attempt of a struggling 日本語 learner in writing haikus. Hoping for feedbacks or comments, good and bad

Hello to my fellow friends of the same tongue

Ive been trying to learn this language for the past 10 months or so. Recently ive been reading about haikus and I feel like it is a beautiful form of art and expression. Being interested in it and wanting to have an outlet for catharsis, Ive made 4 of them, abiding to the rules of haiku, based on my own understanding, available on the internet in english that I would like to share here and hopefully get a response/feedback/criticism or whatever really. I think its kinda (very) cringy (lol) and I dont know if I am making sense, and thus ive included an english translation because obviously, japanese is not my first language (english too as a matter of fact). But yea here they are : –

“茶色目は

日光で見えて

うんこけり

(your) brown eyes, seen under the sun, full of crap all along“

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“各木には

枝の葉を見て

君の顔

your face on every leaf of every branch of every tree”

​

“そよ風で

花が香ってや

戸を閉まった

In the gentle breeze with the fragrance of flowers- the door is closed”

​

“四季変化

変わると同じ

気持ちかな

alteration of seasons, changes and yet same, sensational/ (maybe also) feelings”

​

I try to include “kireji” in them, though i dont fully understand them, heck i dont even really know how to 日本語 tbh lol… yeaaa its very cringy cos maybe I was thinking about that girl that left me in high school while writing these LOL…. I hope yall enjoyed reading them.

3 comments
  1. The second line of the first one is too long and the third one is 5 – 8 – 6. The small っ is supposed to be counted in haiku

  2. This is a nitpick, but only because it seems like you’re interested in Japanese culture and rules of haiku. It’s far more important to include a seasonal word known as “kigo” when writing.

    For example in the famous Matsuo Basho poem:

    ふるいけや
    かわづとびこむ
    みずのおと

    古池や
    蛙飛びこむ
    水の音

    In addition to following the traditional 5/7/5 structure, he uses frog (かわづ/カエル) which is a seasonal word for spring so it hopes to evoke a feeling or moment of spring.

    I find it a fun challenge to look for a word in the kigo dictionary and come up with a poem sometimes as well. 😊

  3. I’m not sure what rules of haiku you abided; 季語 is the most defining rule of them all, yet I’m struggling to catch them.

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