UPDATE: spoke to my boss. She decided that we refuse to teach him unless next time he comes with an apology. Moving forward we are going to be very strict and take this as a provisional warning. One more wrong move and he is out. Thanks for your advice everyone.
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As the title says. I teach at a small Eikaiwa. I always approach our lessons stern but nice and happy with high energy. It’s disheartening bc he used to love our lessons and he was learning a lot and having fun but now I’ve noticed a change and he’s always misbehaving. His mum sometimes sits in the lessons and he climbs on the table and say NO to us doing anything. His mum panders to him by letting him sit on her lap when he says no to me. I can’t exactly discipline him in front of her.
Since he’s turned 6 (a month or two ago) he’s just gotten worse and will show up to the school screaming NO NO NOOOOO. And won’t let go of mum and wrecks the reception area. Kicking the sofa and punching ornaments. She says nothing.
Today he was so bad and the mum latently suggesting me to teach him regardless of the mood despite the fact we’re not in the classroom, so I brought out the materials to reception. I had some plushies of animals and asking questions about them. He snatches them from me and steps on/throws them – again mum says nothing.
This then culminated into him running into the classroom so I followed him and he was hiding under the table. So I crouched down and said “found you!” He laughed and then crawled forward and swiped at my face. I swerved away but he caught my mask and cheek/nose. He laughed again. I said “ouch! That hurt! You shouldn’t hit people in the face!” Mum definitely pretended not to hear me. I didn’t say anything to the mum but maybe I should have?
Should I bring this up with my manager? Any advice? It’s becoming really hard work and making me feel like shit.
EDIT: to add, he kicks and pushes his mother often too when he’s really bad. I am the sole teacher at this school and it’s private lessons.
31 comments
>His mum sometimes sits in the lessons and he climbs on the table and say NO to us doing anything. His mum panders to him by letting him sit on her lap when he says no to me. I can’t exactly discipline him in front of her.
And this is why I hate, hate, *hate* mothers sitting in lessons. The children always start misbehaving or acting like babies. The mother is the center of the child’s world, so you never get their full, undivided attention that they need to actually learn. As I have my own place, I don’t allow it, and I tell them why.
>I didn’t say anything to the mum but maybe I should have?
If she pretended not to see it. She is choosing not to care. Just like she does all the other times he is misbehaving. Saying something to her would have no effect.
>Should I bring this up with my manager? Any advice?
Yes, bring it up. Tell them that the kid is trying to hit you in the face. It’s just kids being kids, sure, but getting bitchslapped isn’t in your job description.
Really, your employer should fire disruptive students. If they drag their feet on this, you need to be assertive.
It is 100% not okay for that child to be behaving that way, and if the mother isn’t willing to redirect the kid (and you don’t feel comfortable with it either), then tell management that they need to talk to the mom about the kids behavior. If he doesn’t improve over a two week period then he should be dismissed. It’s not fair to you as a professional to have to deal with such an unruly and disrespectful pair of people, even if one of them is a child.
I’m a preschool teacher, and we absolutely do not allow that kind of behavior in my classroom. Words would be had with the parent and with the office.
Hell yes you should bring this up…kid shouldn’t be there..or maybe you. If no one is prepared to address the fact that he is a liability, to property, your physical well being and prospectively more business something is very wrong.
I had a difficult toddler, but the fact I’m a heavy set 6’ male and had a domineering presence allowed me to have an element of control which allowed me to quiet him down to some extent. And his mother was very patient and discussed the issue.
There may be a dysfunctional family element causing him to act out, but really is not your concern (I’m not refusing kindness for your students but you have neither status or financial compensation to allow this to be your responsibility).
Start looking elsewhere, this will not be first time or student that will do this.
Don’t take this the wrong way but you can’t let things like this affect you. You need to grow thicker skin. Eikaiwas are tricky because the students are also customers. If you say something and the school loses a student then they lose a source of revenue and they might see you as being at fault for them losing X amount of yen. Take a deep breath, brush it off and realize the lesson is only 40-45 minutes. It’s just my advice.
I still discipline mine even if mums in the room.
This week in fact I had to tell my 7 year old to put his feet on the floor when his mother was there about 30 times in a 50 minute class.
My 4 year old in my previous job couldn’t be controlled even when his mum was actively helping my coteacher.
My suggestion is to just pretend like she’s not there, and if she doesn’t like it, then ask her to do it instead.
One day in the future you will look back at this moment as the lowest of your life.
You need to let your boss know about these issues yesterday.
I can’t speak for others in other parts of Japan. but after speaking with my bosses and Co workers apparently a lot of people here expect others to discipline their children. Management needs to have a talk with her.
You say he was a good kid up until a just couple of months ago? Do you think perhaps there’s stuff going on at home that might be a trigger to this sudden change? Are his parents still together? Other parent lives at home, or works in another city?
Also, hate to say it… but this kind of very sudden change in personality of a young child can also be a warning sign of abuse. Keep your eyes and ears wide open. Take a bit of time to read up on various signs and behaviors to look for, subtle questions you can probe gently with. Gently and UNCREEPILY (haha) put your hand on his clothed back/arm etc and watch for any possible bruise-related flinching. Does he avoid sitting, fidget and shift uncomfortably if he’s made to sit etc.
See if the school could swap teachers for a while, see if a different gender teacher gets improved/calmer behavior out of him. Does he resist being around a you again later if it’s switched back?
If you do start to suspect abuse may be involved, don’t directly ask the mother (yet) as statistically if she’s not the perpetrator, reaction to such questioning (no matter how gentle) is often *extremely* negative/outraged rather than what you would *think* to be the logical reaction of making them consider such a possibility.
CSA in particular, sadly quite contrary to what would seem a logical reaction, parent(s) will often express strong and complete denial/disbelief even if their child has come forward, as most often the perp is a known and “trusted” person, until they are presented with some form of undeniable evidence.
There’s lots of helpful resources on this available with a quick Google.
Though I sincerely hope he’s just having some generic kiddie tantrums and none of what I’ve said here ends up being the case for him ❤️
As a teacher, and now parent, it’s imperative the mother leaves the classroom and you separate him when he misbehaves. My son is lovely, but he’s dealing with a lot at home and he struggles with discipline that isn’t understanding (he goes to international school). His mother is very disciplined and it has an opposite effect. The classes he attends where he has space and good communication from the staff on his behavior have had the best results.
Give him a role in the class so he feels special in some way. Either cleaning the board or putting the materials away.
Yes. You have an uncooperative student that doesn’t know how to play nice.
It’s entirely possible kid didn’t mean any harm, but if he’s taking swings at you, he’s bound to take swings at his fellow classmates. Best to nip that nonsense in the bud.
Your job is to teach, not to be anyone’s mother. I know everyone is different, but I personally would request to speak with the mother about her sons unacceptable behavior. Politely request her to aid her son during those tantrums if she’s present and if she wants her son to properly learn. I would definitely have a conversation about it with my manager if I was in your shoes. No offense when I say this, but I doubt you’re getting paid enough to put up with that. I understand ignoring the child during the tantrums, but I wouldn’t ignore the mother. She’s obviously half of the problem. With saying that, I’m not suggesting to be hostile. Just a teacher conference. If you let it continue to slide, it will only get worst for you since you’re pretty much allowing the situation to become dire. Sorry to hear that you have to deal with this, I wish you luck!
Hug little one…
I own my school. I would just get rid of him.
Sounds like how a six-year-old behaves when they’re bored. Too young for an eikaiwa class.
>I can’t exactly discipline him in front of her.
What is your idea of discipline?
As others here said, yes, bring it up with your manager. You shouldn’t have to tolerate this.
If your manager thinks there is something more you can do, tell your manager to teach the kid themselves to demonstrate it to you.
If the manager just tells you to just shut up and teach the kid, refuse.
If the manager threatens to fire you over your refusal, tell him “fine, fire me.” and if they follow though, go to Hello Work and apply for unemployment while you look for a new job.
Why put up with this shite if you don’t actually have to? An incident like this will really let you know where you stand with your employer – that is, if the employer doesn’t do a thing when the student is out of control, you can expect the employer to never, ever, have your back on anything.
Unfortunately the vast majority of Eikaiwa will do absolutely nothing about it if there is a chance that it will affect their bottom line, and without support from management you are pissing in the wind.
I 100% agree that he needs to be separated from his mother, but the mother is the customer and if Koki wants to be with mummy….well then that’s just fine (so long as she keeps paying)…
..it’s true that you need to have a serious talk with mother….but mother doesn’t have time and won’t make time…..it’s not going to happen.
..you should you discipline the kid in front of the parent buuut if you do and the parent doesn’t like it, then…sorry OP-san…we want you to be a bit kinder to the children.
If you have support from management then that great, you are lucky but if they are too scared to lose that sweet tuition fee then your **real** options are
Put up with it
Change schools
Open your own school and run it how you want to. (Recommended)
But having said that….
When you followed him into the classroom and said “found you” you rewarded his bad behaviour with positive attention. You need to be ignoring bad behaviour (wherever practically possible), or addressing it in a calm non playful manner. Both ways have their merits, and it does depend on the kid/class dynamic.
Sounds like a home issue. Maybe mom should think about how she raises her kids.
Bring it up to your manager. Get it on paper. But also, don’t expect much to change.
“I can’t exactly discipline him in front of her.”
Why?
Japan is a more violent culture in the home than what most Westerners are accustomed to. This often spills over into schools because children mirror what they encounter at home.
Sounds like a case of OD or ADHD? But I guess you can’t really say that too the parent.
Your job description doesn’t include physical assault by kids. Get a Japanese assistant to sit in on it, and if nothing have a serious talk to management about kicking him out.
The kid is six and the mother sits in? That would drive me insane. I told my employer that I do not, under any circumstances do “with mommy” classes. That was my only thing I straight up demanded. Its such a bad idea. I understand the first class or whatever but after that, nope. No way.
You need to say something to the manager. Probably won’t do anything but to let them know what’s actually going on. We’re in a business and I get that but there has to be limits. If a kid tried hitting a teacher or whoever in other scenarios they would be reprimanded I’m sure. It’s not like hitting Eikawa teachers is different.
Tell him “do you want to embarrass your mum?”. Better if in Japanese as well.
This is such a common problem. I teach in a different kindergarten / daycare every day. Most are great. But there are some that are just hell. Kids punching me in the crotch. Calling me names etc. So, you should talk management but remember this is a business. That kid brings in Yen. They will not want to upset a customer. So brace yourself for a tough couple of months. I’d just ignore him as much as you can. Occasionally invite him to join your lesson so you are covering your back as a teacher. But don’t give him any extra attention.
Honestly kids misbehave… it’s part of teaching kids.
Give him heaps of games to keep him engaged rather than trying to say ‘stop it’ or whatever. No 6 year old’s gonna stop just because an adult says so.
Your manager should be observing every class with this kid, in full. Every minute of every lesson.
Even if they don’t have any good advice or any solutions, it removes any excuse of not knowing about the problem or the extent of it.
You may not be able to do anything about this kid, but when it comes to your next contract negotiations, you’ll have proof of everything that happens.
And if you’re not doing it already, keep written records of your own.
You might also consider videotaping the lessons if that’s possible.
And in a less serious vein, leave the mom with a 相変わらず元気ですね after each shitty lesson and an 今日は落ち着いたですね when he’s slightly less monstrous.
(Don’t do that last one, it was a joke)
so glad I run my own shop
I feel for your situation
I have a 7 year old and a 3 year old. Unless the kid is diagnosed with some sort of developmental disability or something, This is a parenting problem. My kid acts like a little shit when we go out or go to one of his functions, guess what? He doesn’t get to go anymore. His shitty attitude seems to magically disappear pretty quick.
Unfortunately, no one taking money from a parent is going to tell them they are the problem. Is this a 1 to 1 lesson? Or is he disrupting other kids whose parents pay money?
I don’t know who you work for, but if it’s Nova they aren’t going to do anything. Not allowed to discipline students, Japanese staff are told that everything teachers say is a lie, and managers aren’t going to do anything because the kid is just money, not a student.
What do other staff say about this? Even though they are customers, letting this behaviour happen in front of others (eg. in the reception) is embarrassing. I think telling your manager is the first step.
I used to work in eikaiwa and had a situation with one violent 6 year old student who would pick fights with other kids. Each time we’d discipline him and tell his father who did not care. One day when I was breaking up a fight with him and another boy, I got punched in the arm. I was livid! When his father came, my assistant and I had a stern word with him and we were both so angry that I said I simply don’t want to teach him anymore. I was at risk of getting fired for being rude but at that point I was fed up! The father was sweating so much and couldn’t take any responsibility.
Later the manager came to deal with him and made the kid either move to a different English class or quit English (and continue other classes). Other parents also had a problem with this dad and kid so were relieved to see him go.