I work as an ALT here in Japan. I asked the students how many people are in their families just to get them familiar with counting. I got scolded by the English teacher saying that asking that is too personal. He took me out of the class and told me it’s rude and he is disappointed in me. Isn’t he overreacting? Or is this a culture thing?
Side note: I get the feeling he doesn’t really like ALTs much at all and is finding excuses just to tell me off or am I the asshole?
Edit: The JTE put me on the spot and told me to ask any questions to the students in English. I thought it was a great way to get them to count but, I understand now it’s not good and I won’t do it again. I didn’t realize Japan was this sensitive.
39 comments
It’s a personal question that may reveal the family structure of a student that, say, only lives with their mother. I don’t think it would be too inappropriate if your students were grown ups, but for kids it may be a touchy subject.
It’s hard to say. Bringing up the family might be a trigger for some kids who have troublesome family matters (i.e. a parent died, raised by grandparents, ect.). Even if you aren’t asking the kids to point out which number is which family member, when they count, others might get a hint of the underlying cause/information. That could be what the JTE is thinking regardless of you just trying to get the kids to count.
Or, your JTE could be showing his true colors.
Perhaps try to run the idea by him before class?
I’ve been out of the ALT game quite a few years and even back then they told us to avoid family questions. Anything about family had to be Sazaesan or something.
Still, to pull you out of class and give you a dressing down in the hallway? Who spit in his cheerios?
It can be an extremely sensitive topic, especially for those who have lost a parent, or a sibling. Are they still “counted”, or not; or children who have been “abandoned” and are being raised by a relative or similar; or children whose parent(s) are currently incarcerated. Divorced/remarried could also complicate matters further.
It’s far too personal, and probably best not to venture into.
I’ve heard that single parents worry about their kids being bullied if people found out their parents got divorced. (I actually think this goes for bullying from other kids but also comments from unkind/judgemental teaching staff too.)
One of my friends didn’t change her kid’s surname even though the dad left just to avoid the kid’s “shame” of a name change at school. Outing info about how many people are at home might lead to something like that happening tbh
My previous school actually stopped doing a Father’s Day craft because one of the kid’s dads had died though. Things like that might be part of the reason behind it too.
Probably best to keep it to siblings?
Never forget how awful children can be in establishing social hierarchy. Having a single mother/father as the only parent is definitely grounds for moving down the social ladder and can be justification for severe bullying in the mind of kids.
I’m a westerner, with a complicated family situation from a young age, and if you asked me that kind of question in class and made me answer it you’d probably be my most hated teacher from that day on.
Don’t lay the groundwork for kids having to share deeply personal information involuntarily. Absolutely unacceptable.
Always think about how any given child might feel about the question you ask them. In this case, some may feel uncomfortable sharing information about their family life, whereas others may not. You need to ask questions that won’t cause a situation like that. A better question to ask might be to reference an anime with a family in it, such as Crayon Shin-chan, or Spy Family.
That being said, I think the teacher could’ve handled it much better since mistakes do happen, but we learn from them. There was no need to make you so stressed by it.
Definitely something you should avoid in a school/group lesson.
But old buddy flipping out like that is probably due to hating you/the ALT position
Yes, it is rude.
I’m also an ALT, and I’ve been told by JTEs and HRTs not to ask how many people there are in the family because it’s too personal a question. It’s not a big deal for foreigners to ask each other or whatever, but it’s not done here (for whatever reason).
Having said that, this is the kind of thing that needs to be discussed BEFORE CLASS.
Edited: that doesn’t mean you should have been scolded during class though. That’s not fair to you.
I got scolded at ES for suggesting to write ‘Dear parents’ on their Christmas card. I understand why now …
oh. So they can ask you why are you not married or have no kids but we not allowed to ask how many brothers they have???
also I’m really offended by japanese ppl when they ask me 1)where I’m from 2) how fkng old I am and the THIRD ONE) What is my name. My name is the last important question in the conversation apparently…
Honestly I wish it was a sensitive topic at my school but so many classes are already set up to ask about family, so students got curious and asked about my parents/family and it was always awkward because I’m still in my 20s but I don’t have parents but I always lied to make it less awkward 😬 so yeah, I think it should be avoided but your coworker could’ve gone about it in a nicer way
Edit: I want to add, ignore the know-it-all comments from people who haven’t worked in teaching. Listen to those with experience, they know what the classroom experience is like and should be like.
Avoid implicitly asking if children live with their single mother. Try not to draw attention to kids with 1 parent.
That said, your teacher is a dick. It’s not a big deal. If you think they’re an asshole and they don’t like you, you’re 99% of the time correct.
Advice: ask ‘how many brothers and sisters do you have’, that one’s a classic. Or ‘how many erasers do you have’.
When we do “family” style topics with university age students we usually just say pick a family member or carer etc that you would like to talk about. You have no way to know what a student’s family life is like, so giving them the option to choose who they want to talk about is probably better.
When I talk about families I talk about in-laws and step-brothers and divorce and re-marriage in my own family and give examples of those relationships. That way they kids know what those words are and if they want to use them, they can, and they can see me talking about it like it’s not a big deal.
This is a question in one of the textbooks I use. No one ever had a problem with it
It is not a rude question culturally (although I can’t for the life of me think of a situation where I would actually ask anyone it IRL), but there is a conversation in worldwide EFL discourse with people on one side strongly recommending against it because it forces students to out themselves if they have an irregular family arrangement. And while I don’t think such topics should be verboten in the classroom, it’s pretty much a JHS 1, 1st semester question in most curricula, right? So it’s coming up at a time when students are in a new school and most sensitive to anything that makes them stand out at an age when sensitivity is already pretty high.
Short answer: Don’t ask it.
Your JTE probably could have handled it better, particularly if you’re a fresh-off-the-boat ALT, but in any case I suggest treating it like a learning experience.
It took reading some of the comments here for me to notice, ah yeah! There really might be something difficult to talk about there! To say “You’re insensitive and I’m disappointed in you” is still a totally ridiculous and unkind thing to do. A gentle “Ah, just avoid those kinds of things in future because XYZ” would have been a much better approach. You made an honest mistake, one so easy to not even notice IS a mistake. I’d say you didn’t do anything wrong. That person is a horrible asshole.
We had a whole staff conference once to discuss how one kid lived with his mom who had *gasp* never married! We were told to redirect kids who got near that subject with the kid so he wouldn’t get his life ruined, I guess. It truly can be a touchy subject.
It’s sad though because I am always genuinely curious about the kids’ home lives. But I think it’s better if they come to you with that information (not that my ES kids ever did that) than you forcing it out of them in a classroom situation.
We were forbidden from doing Fathers Day activities. And I noticed that by junior high most kids from single parent families had been either taught to lie about their home situation (“my father lives overseas for his job”) or had been lied to (“my father died when I was a baby”).
Another taboo, at least in the Kansai region, is asking about ethnicity. One mother asked me to make certain that her daughter never mentioned that she was half Zainichi Korean. It was a big huge family secret.
Oh, and I would definitely avoid conversations about blood types, too! I found out the hard way how wrong that can go…
I used to have “Tell me about your family” on a worksheet I handed out. No one complained about it, but it was something only the student and I looked at and I made it clear that they can write anything in that spot. There was no sharing for that part.
In my experience the students were happy to be super honest and included way more information than I expected (or wanted, really).
One of those “*oh yeah* I guess it could lead to unintended negative outcomes, never thought of that, sorry, anyway” things.
Your JTE is a shithead for taking you outside during the class and being a dick about it, though.
I was going to make a quip along the lines of “*wow if that’s too personal then Japan must be home to the most intrusive population on Earth given how many times I’ve been asked personal questions by total strangers*” but yeah it’s not the kids’ fault.
When I’m teaching family, they asked me not to ask about the students’ families 🫣😅
“How many families do you have?”
I observed an adult lesson where the teacher asked about family. One of the students was visibly uncomfortable when the teacher asked him about his family. The discomfort then increased when she said she was very close to her dad and asked if the student was close to his father too.
On the edit: it’s not just japan, it’s a bad question in any setting where you’re not close with a person. In any country
Psst, some of your kids will be embarrassed by the answer, and some might even be embarrassed by the fact they literally don’t have an answer.
They should have told you that some kids live in 児童養護施設 and do not have family.
It’s a personal question but as a Japanese who’s lived here almost entire my life, I don’t think there’re many Japanese who get offended or upset or anything else from being asked. If you ask what their parents’s job is, then perhaps it’s kinda rude and makes them wonder how they’re supposed to tell such a personal info.
It’s a bit of a personal question, but it sounds like the JT is on a bit of a power trip.
Maybe quickly stopping you and saying, “no personal questions, please” and then just moving on. If they wanted to explain why, they could have talked to you after class. No need for a reprimand though.
I personally never bring up parents/grandparents unless the student does first. I ask about siblings or cousins though, which is less likely to be a sensitive topic.
We ask it for all out students at my school, and its never been a big deal for small vs large- most of the classmates probably already know anyways.
I agree with others saying the teacher is sour grapes and I don’t think the question itself is that big of a deal, but when I was teaching I would always give kids options in scenarios like this; for example, tell me about your family or tell me about my family (which I have introduced) or tell me about (tv show family I have also introduced). That way the kids can share personal experiences if they want to but have some sort of out if they don’t.
That’s a totally normal question. What else can’t you ask about?
“Do you have any pets?”
“No, fool, what if someone’s hamster has died recently?”
“Do you like ice cream?”
“Idiot! What if a student is lactose intolerant?!”
I’d document his overreaction with your direct supervisor via email. That way, if he continues to harass you, there is a record.
I teach JHS, it’s one of the questions on the cards in a game. They can answer however they like (ex: 2, 3, 4 people etc.) and there’s no need to elaborate further. I don’t think the basic question is rude, but pressing for more details is.
Never had any JTE say it was rude either, and they even asked the same question too.
That JTE sounds like a real prick, obviously looking for his Hollywood moment where he can use a certain set of vocabulary that he’s saved up just for this occasion. I experienced something similar years ago when I used a bit of slang that the JTE wasn’t aware of. They thought that I’d used blue language in the class, when that wasn’t the case at all.
It happens. Is asking about someone’s family wrong? No, it’s not. If the parents are divorced, who gives a shit. The kids’ friends probably already know, and they should be taught that it’s no shame if they come from a broken home. That’s life.
It’s fine most of the time, but fucks up really bad if it wasn’t. It’s like walking in a near empty minefield
Back in 2012 I had a student who had some behavioral problems and I later learned he was a refugee from Fukushima. You never know what’s going on with students personal lives, so probably best to avoid those kind of questions. But also, probably best to let speak with you privately after class.
There’s a simple reason for this. If a kid answers 2 then it means they live in a single parent household.
Teacher: How many people are in your family?
Student: two
Other student: you don’t have two parents!?
A bunch more students: ehhhhhhhh!!