If it’s a sudden change, that could be a sign of stress, anxiety, depression, or even physical/hormonal changes. It’s important to talk about these things and get to the bottom of it and find out what’s going on before making any big life-changing decisions.
Maybe she was never all that interested in having sex that much and did it to keep you happy. Now that you’re getting married she has other stressors and things to focus on. Maybe she has things going on at work that are stressing her out that she hasn’t told you about. Maybe there’s something going on with her family she hasn’t told you about. Just being 37, which isn’t all that old, isn’t suddenly going to make her stop wanting sex.
You are focusing on the wrong thing, however. So, why not try communicating in other ways? If sex is a priority for you then tell her that and break up. Sex isn’t a priority for everyone and they also shouldn’t have to feel bad about that.
Communication, buddy. She has the answers, not us.
It could be peri-menopause (the lead up to actual menopause) which can start as early as the thirties. The hormonal changes can really do a number on a woman’s brain and body, including of course her libido. Please read up about it, for both your sake’s.
Communication is key as everyone else has said.
1. Ask about stressors or issues they are having 2. Do they want or think sex is important for the relationship 3. Creating a mood is generally good, find her turn-ons
Outside of those generally it depends on how much you value sex. I know lots of people here in sexless marriages and just get sex from others which is hidden from their partners. Personally for me I make it clear that sex is a big part of relationships for me so if it ever becomes a sexless situation I will bring it up and at that point we need to decide to open or divorce since I wouldn’t be able to handle a sexless situation.
It happens.
First, you need to try to understand why she was okay with having sex twice a week in the first place.
1. Did she feel like it was an obligation in the early stages of the relationship? 2. Did anything change around the time you suddenly stopped having sex? For example, did she get a new job? Did you move? Did her life become busier? 3. Was it the same in her previous relationship(s)? Perhaps this is normal for her. 4. This should go without saying – you need to tell her how you feel. Tell her that you can’t imagine being married to someone and never happening sex. As you said, it’s not the most important thing in the world **but it is important**. You obviously seem to love her and if she loves you she will make somewhat of an attempt at explaining **why** she thinks having sex just isn’t that important. Finding out why is going to really matter.
Assuming you figure all of these things out and she still doesn’t want to have sex, you need to seriously consider how this could impact your relationship in the future with her.
You’re 32. I suggest you draw out the planning period a little longer.
Bail the fuck out. My ex went colder than the artic poles, wouldn’t talk about it at all, and when I confronted her about it she wouldn’t talk about it. Thankfully I was only engaged, and when I finally made a shit storm about it that was the end of us. 3 months later I find out she is married to a guy in the other town for almost a month at that point.
Take home, if you can’t get shit sorted out right now, you’re probably fucked and best bail if you have no connection.
Do you live together? If so, are household tasks like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc (truly) shared evenly?
I didn’t get an errection for months after getting Covid.
Difficult question to answer, ask her man. Be honest.
You need to talk to her about it. When you do, try not to focus on what it is that she is or isn’t doing, instead talk about what’s important to you, that regular sex is a non negotiable for you, and then ask if there’s anything that you are or are not doing that is having an impact on how she feels.
In my experience it’s very hard for some people, especially Japanese woman, to be open and honest about sex from their perspective. You need to give her space to think about it and make sure she feels safe enough to answer honestly.
Maybe the sex you’ve been having isn’t that enjoyable for her. Maybe she’s asexual. Maybe she suffered sexual abuse and has been too afraid to talk about it. Maybe she met someone else. There are so many possibilities as to why your physical relationship is not working, but only you two can work it out.
You don’t want to make ultimatums at the beginning of the conversation, but also don’t wait too long to resolve it (give it months, not years) – it will lead to resentment towards each other and that’s not a healthy place to be for anyone.
Is she on birth control? That can sometimes really affect libido.
Which is why I don’t use it 😅 I’m a horny girl and like it that way 🫠🥰
I mean, you’ve talked to her about it, but you need to be more explicit and forward. Tell her you need sex in your relationship. You need to find a way to help her get in the mood for it. I wouldn’t make it an ultimatum, but it is a problem, it is causing you stress, and it’s just going to get worse if you don’t find the root of the problem and figure it out.
I would not marry this woman until this is resolved.
lol.
lmao.
I will be brutally honest with you, unlike every other single post here which seem to be made by people equally as clueless as you.
She is not attracted to you. I’m guessing she is Japanese, and you are white? I’m also white, and I can detect you kind of have a LBH vibe (loser back home). She’s 37, which means these are the last years she’s able to have children, literally the last year or two without beginning to require expensive fertility treatments with high risk of birth defects/complications.
She’s wondering how at 37, she’s with some dumb immature white LBH who cannot understand the reality of her situation and has to run onto reddit to ask about their “sex life”. You are not the man she anticipated being with at this age, and she does not think you’re a worthy man and thus she does not want offspring with you, and yet, you’re basically her only choice unless she goes to a sperm donor.
Although, she probably can’t because she’s likely not financially secure enough to raise a child on her own. And what would her family think? Family pressure in asia is insane. Everything about her life is fucked and she has no one to turn to except you, the white LBH. She thought it might be fun to try out a gaijin, that maybe you would sweep her off her feet and provide an amazing life for her like she sees in the movies, but it turns out you’re some kind of reject in your home country with zero long term earning potential in Japan. Likely you will go home to America, or continue staying in Japan and never making enough money.
To a woman, this scenario will make her turned off, depressed, and not want sex. You do not seem in tune with her needs, and come off as a frivolous guy which is the exact opposite of what she’s dreaming for at this crucial moment in her life.
Did she buy a pair of arm gloves? Does she walk around town with a gigantic sun visor? If so, she could be suffering from obasanitis and should consult her palm reader.
Doubt this behavior will change. If it didn’t, would you be ok with it? If not, you should bail.
I’ve been married for almost 20 years to a Japanese woman. I haven’t had sex with her once in the last 5 years.
It can be: 1 – she is extremely stressed about something and didn’t tell you. 2 – she never liked sex and did it to get closer to you. 3 – you’re a shit bf and sex always ends before breaking up (nothing saying you’re, just giving you possible causes) 4 – she’s facing a huge depression. 5 – drastic hormonal changes 6 – she’s having it in another place…
You should talk to her and get suspicious about any unusual answers. Not want to make you unnecessarily suspicious, but the truth is that this can happen. Don’t ask her if she’s stressed or depressed, just ask her why once, if she doesn’t give you a proper answer ask twice, if it keeps that way explain why the sex IS important for a couple’s life and ask her for the last time. If she still keeps you in the darkness, she prob doesn’t love you back and doesn’t really care about you, just bout the status of getting married. And I mean, even if she doesn’t know why, she at least should try to find the roots of the problem together with you. Real partnership means never letting your partner without knowing what’s happening and, when you don’t know the reason for the problem, seeking help TOGETHER.
And if you see that she isn’t cooperating, don’t feel bad about breaking up. You’re young and have the rest of the life ahead of you. It’ll feel sad, take 1 month of grief if you want but then go to whatever place and start dating again, even on apps. Life goes on, bro.
It happened here. Three to five times a year before marriage, maybe one or two after. Now zero for the last three years.
We love each other as much as we always have; no arguments; no fights. But with sex she’s just done.
Nothing much to add that hasn’t been said already, but happened to me too and we’re a good bit younger than you. In my case I put antidepressants at fault that removed her libido but honestly not sure that’s all of it
She could have a different life language than you, where you value physical touch more but she doesn’t. Have you talked about that
Also: never marry into a dead bedroom! /r/DeadBedrooms
It’s possible that there are 2 things that are happening:
She is stressed and does not have a sexual appetite
Or
There is something that she wants that she isn’t getting in the relationship.
I’m not making assumptions, but it seems to be either of the 2 in a relationship that is going to last for the long haul. Keep your head up, my king, just talk to your beloved.
If sex matters to you and you’re unhappy now, it’s not going to get any better. Think hard before making a commitment like marriage.
Especially if you want kids.
It won’t get better. This is your future if you stay.
Most of these comments are really silly, but there are a couple good answers sprinkled in. Irrespective of the underlying reason you should consider that this is definitely a symptom not a cause.
If I were to hazard a guess it would be that she is not getting what she wants out of the relationship any more than you are.
You get what you give. It’s not clear if this situation is recoverable or not but it’s in your best interest to have a deep meaningful, HONEST, conversation about BOTH your relationship goals, needs, and if there are any gaps.
Maybe there is something that can be discovered and corrected or maybe not.
Regardless carrying on this way without communicating or having your needs met is a pointless exercise.
Do something definite about it, and perhaps try to empathize with her more and if she does tell you something that you don’t like; bear with it like an adult and keep your emotions in check as you hash through whatever is on her mind.
Good luck.
abort abort abort eject eject eject run run run can I be more clear ?
>Is this the japanese dead bedroom, before the marriage even starts?
Could definitely be a warning shot. You know she doesn’t have a long time left to have babies?
Ahhh the roommate life. Just outsource that somewhere else. Soap or side chicks.
Also if you guys were doing it all the time in the past chances are she’s doing it with someone else. Sorry man.
Highly likely it will stay this way permanently.
You should investigate further. There is a reason. You can’t consider marriage without getting to the bottom of this mystery. When I say not to consider marriage, I am talking about deep communication. Sex is not so important.
My wife had stage 4 cancer and a full hysterectomy was the only option. She has completely lost her sex drive. I’ve learned to accept things with a sincere heart. Recently however she started hormone therapy which might is supposed to increase her libido, but I rather not jump to conclusions yet as I don’t want her to feel pressured.
Don’t marry someone who won’t have sex with you.
Not trying to sound rude, but.. she doesn’t want it from you because she’s getting it elsewhere. Sorry bro, gotta move on.
Cut it off now and save this sub yet another divorce post
Anything we say is just going to be wild speculation. We don’t know what’s going on in your partner’s mind, body or heart. You have a better insight in to that. If you really have no idea what’s going on we’re not going to have any better luck. And all the *she’s cheating* or *you’re bad in bed* or *Jchicks amirite?* is just sowing the seeds of discord in your relationship.
You live together, yeah? Been together a while? Talk every day? You really can’t think of a reason why this is happening?
Do not get married before working together on this. You will regret it. Understanding might turn into annoyance and then resent. Figure this out together.
Same thing happened to me. Except we were the same age. I still decided to get married.
It ended up in a divorce 4 years later.
One thing I’ve learned: some women are just not eager for sex. I remember I even had a conversation with her parents, and they told me it is because Japanese women are not that horny. BS.
The problem is that it starts with the sex not happening, then the small affection gestures and attentions also disappears. Everything gets betsu betsu. Separate Netflix dramas, separate meals… I couldn’t stand it and to this day I do not understand how she was happy with it.
Anyway, divorcing was painful at first, but after a few months it turned out to be the best decision I’ve ever made. I found out a real loving girlfriend, good sexlife, good romance. Way much happier now.
Not saying it will be the same for you but you should really sort this out before getting married.
Woman in her 30s here. Please understand that low libido can happen due to various reasons. Sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s her, sometimes it’s both.
1. Lack of trust. Did something happen that broke this? 2. Anxiety / depression. Pretty much reduces your libido to zero. Sex becomes a burden and even if the woman does it, she wont be able to enjoy it because her body cant relax. 3. PTSD. I had zero libido for 2 years after my dogs died. Worse yet, my partner couldnt understand. There were a lot of pressure and insults. 4. General exhaustion. I was working 7 days a week to make ends meet. My mind was just not in a sexy place. At all. Partner was drinking at home, jobless, not carrying his weight. I felt resentful and tired. 5. Cyst. Growth in a woman’s uterus can make sex painful. 6. Loss of physical / emotional attraction. Sometimes this happens as time goes on.
To some women, sex doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts outside, with lots and lots of emotional foreplays. One example: If you’ve been neglecting house chores all week and leaving it to her, then having the guts to say “hey, wanna do it?”. Most likely she will feel repulsed.
My previous partner and i spent a lot of time in the bedroom because i felt “safe” and “cared for” with him.
If you have any questions, please let me know 🙂
I’m 52, my J-wife is 48, and we have sex 2-3 times per week, even after 20 years of marriage and 2 kids. If intimacy isn’t a priority for both of you, the relationship as a whole will suffer, even though you love her.
39 comments
If it’s a sudden change, that could be a sign of stress, anxiety, depression, or even physical/hormonal changes. It’s important to talk about these things and get to the bottom of it and find out what’s going on before making any big life-changing decisions.
Maybe she was never all that interested in having sex that much and did it to keep you happy. Now that you’re getting married she has other stressors and things to focus on. Maybe she has things going on at work that are stressing her out that she hasn’t told you about. Maybe there’s something going on with her family she hasn’t told you about.
Just being 37, which isn’t all that old, isn’t suddenly going to make her stop wanting sex.
You are focusing on the wrong thing, however. So, why not try communicating in other ways? If sex is a priority for you then tell her that and break up. Sex isn’t a priority for everyone and they also shouldn’t have to feel bad about that.
Communication, buddy. She has the answers, not us.
It could be peri-menopause (the lead up to actual menopause) which can start as early as the thirties. The hormonal changes can really do a number on a woman’s brain and body, including of course her libido. Please read up about it, for both your sake’s.
Communication is key as everyone else has said.
1. Ask about stressors or issues they are having
2. Do they want or think sex is important for the relationship
3. Creating a mood is generally good, find her turn-ons
Outside of those generally it depends on how much you value sex. I know lots of people here in sexless marriages and just get sex from others which is hidden from their partners. Personally for me I make it clear that sex is a big part of relationships for me so if it ever becomes a sexless situation I will bring it up and at that point we need to decide to open or divorce since I wouldn’t be able to handle a sexless situation.
It happens.
First, you need to try to understand why she was okay with having sex twice a week in the first place.
1. Did she feel like it was an obligation in the early stages of the relationship?
2. Did anything change around the time you suddenly stopped having sex? For example, did she get a new job? Did you move? Did her life become busier?
3. Was it the same in her previous relationship(s)? Perhaps this is normal for her.
4. This should go without saying – you need to tell her how you feel. Tell her that you can’t imagine being married to someone and never happening sex. As you said, it’s not the most important thing in the world **but it is important**. You obviously seem to love her and if she loves you she will make somewhat of an attempt at explaining **why** she thinks having sex just isn’t that important. Finding out why is going to really matter.
Assuming you figure all of these things out and she still doesn’t want to have sex, you need to seriously consider how this could impact your relationship in the future with her.
You’re 32. I suggest you draw out the planning period a little longer.
Bail the fuck out. My ex went colder than the artic poles, wouldn’t talk about it at all, and when I confronted her about it she wouldn’t talk about it. Thankfully I was only engaged, and when I finally made a shit storm about it that was the end of us. 3 months later I find out she is married to a guy in the other town for almost a month at that point.
Take home, if you can’t get shit sorted out right now, you’re probably fucked and best bail if you have no connection.
Do you live together? If so, are household tasks like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc (truly) shared evenly?
I didn’t get an errection for months after getting Covid.
Difficult question to answer, ask her man. Be honest.
You need to talk to her about it. When you do, try not to focus on what it is that she is or isn’t doing, instead talk about what’s important to you, that regular sex is a non negotiable for you, and then ask if there’s anything that you are or are not doing that is having an impact on how she feels.
In my experience it’s very hard for some people, especially Japanese woman, to be open and honest about sex from their perspective. You need to give her space to think about it and make sure she feels safe enough to answer honestly.
Maybe the sex you’ve been having isn’t that enjoyable for her. Maybe she’s asexual. Maybe she suffered sexual abuse and has been too afraid to talk about it. Maybe she met someone else. There are so many possibilities as to why your physical relationship is not working, but only you two can work it out.
You don’t want to make ultimatums at the beginning of the conversation, but also don’t wait too long to resolve it (give it months, not years) – it will lead to resentment towards each other and that’s not a healthy place to be for anyone.
Is she on birth control? That can sometimes really affect libido.
Which is why I don’t use it 😅 I’m a horny girl and like it that way 🫠🥰
I mean, you’ve talked to her about it, but you need to be more explicit and forward. Tell her you need sex in your relationship. You need to find a way to help her get in the mood for it. I wouldn’t make it an ultimatum, but it is a problem, it is causing you stress, and it’s just going to get worse if you don’t find the root of the problem and figure it out.
I would not marry this woman until this is resolved.
lol.
lmao.
I will be brutally honest with you, unlike every other single post here which seem to be made by people equally as clueless as you.
She is not attracted to you. I’m guessing she is Japanese, and you are white? I’m also white, and I can detect you kind of have a LBH vibe (loser back home). She’s 37, which means these are the last years she’s able to have children, literally the last year or two without beginning to require expensive fertility treatments with high risk of birth defects/complications.
She’s wondering how at 37, she’s with some dumb immature white LBH who cannot understand the reality of her situation and has to run onto reddit to ask about their “sex life”. You are not the man she anticipated being with at this age, and she does not think you’re a worthy man and thus she does not want offspring with you, and yet, you’re basically her only choice unless she goes to a sperm donor.
Although, she probably can’t because she’s likely not financially secure enough to raise a child on her own. And what would her family think? Family pressure in asia is insane. Everything about her life is fucked and she has no one to turn to except you, the white LBH. She thought it might be fun to try out a gaijin, that maybe you would sweep her off her feet and provide an amazing life for her like she sees in the movies, but it turns out you’re some kind of reject in your home country with zero long term earning potential in Japan. Likely you will go home to America, or continue staying in Japan and never making enough money.
To a woman, this scenario will make her turned off, depressed, and not want sex. You do not seem in tune with her needs, and come off as a frivolous guy which is the exact opposite of what she’s dreaming for at this crucial moment in her life.
Did she buy a pair of arm gloves? Does she walk around town with a gigantic sun visor? If so, she could be suffering from obasanitis and should consult her palm reader.
Doubt this behavior will change. If it didn’t, would you be ok with it? If not, you should bail.
I’ve been married for almost 20 years to a Japanese woman. I haven’t had sex with her once in the last 5 years.
It can be:
1 – she is extremely stressed about something and didn’t tell you.
2 – she never liked sex and did it to get closer to you.
3 – you’re a shit bf and sex always ends before breaking up (nothing saying you’re, just giving you possible causes)
4 – she’s facing a huge depression.
5 – drastic hormonal changes
6 – she’s having it in another place…
You should talk to her and get suspicious about any unusual answers. Not want to make you unnecessarily suspicious, but the truth is that this can happen. Don’t ask her if she’s stressed or depressed, just ask her why once, if she doesn’t give you a proper answer ask twice, if it keeps that way explain why the sex IS important for a couple’s life and ask her for the last time. If she still keeps you in the darkness, she prob doesn’t love you back and doesn’t really care about you, just bout the status of getting married. And I mean, even if she doesn’t know why, she at least should try to find the roots of the problem together with you. Real partnership means never letting your partner without knowing what’s happening and, when you don’t know the reason for the problem, seeking help TOGETHER.
And if you see that she isn’t cooperating, don’t feel bad about breaking up. You’re young and have the rest of the life ahead of you. It’ll feel sad, take 1 month of grief if you want but then go to whatever place and start dating again, even on apps. Life goes on, bro.
It happened here. Three to five times a year before marriage, maybe one or two after. Now zero for the last three years.
We love each other as much as we always have; no arguments; no fights. But with sex she’s just done.
Nothing much to add that hasn’t been said already, but happened to me too and we’re a good bit younger than you. In my case I put antidepressants at fault that removed her libido but honestly not sure that’s all of it
She could have a different life language than you, where you value physical touch more but she doesn’t. Have you talked about that
Also: never marry into a dead bedroom! /r/DeadBedrooms
It’s possible that there are 2 things that are happening:
She is stressed and does not have a sexual appetite
Or
There is something that she wants that she isn’t getting in the relationship.
I’m not making assumptions, but it seems to be either of the 2 in a relationship that is going to last for the long haul. Keep your head up, my king, just talk to your beloved.
If sex matters to you and you’re unhappy now, it’s not going to get any better. Think hard before making a commitment like marriage.
Especially if you want kids.
It won’t get better. This is your future if you stay.
Most of these comments are really silly, but there are a couple good answers sprinkled in. Irrespective of the underlying reason you should consider that this is definitely a symptom not a cause.
If I were to hazard a guess it would be that she is not getting what she wants out of the relationship any more than you are.
You get what you give. It’s not clear if this situation is recoverable or not but it’s in your best interest to have a deep meaningful, HONEST, conversation about BOTH your relationship goals, needs, and if there are any gaps.
Maybe there is something that can be discovered and corrected or maybe not.
Regardless carrying on this way without communicating or having your needs met is a pointless exercise.
Do something definite about it, and perhaps try to empathize with her more and if she does tell you something that you don’t like; bear with it like an adult and keep your emotions in check as you hash through whatever is on her mind.
Good luck.
abort abort abort eject eject eject run run run can I be more clear ?
>Is this the japanese dead bedroom, before the marriage even starts?
Could definitely be a warning shot. You know she doesn’t have a long time left to have babies?
Ahhh the roommate life.
Just outsource that somewhere else. Soap or side chicks.
Also if you guys were doing it all the time in the past chances are she’s doing it with someone else. Sorry man.
Highly likely it will stay this way permanently.
You should investigate further. There is a reason. You can’t consider marriage without getting to the bottom of this mystery. When I say not to consider marriage, I am talking about deep communication. Sex is not so important.
My wife had stage 4 cancer and a full hysterectomy was the only option. She has completely lost her sex drive. I’ve learned to accept things with a sincere heart. Recently however she started hormone therapy which might is supposed to increase her libido, but I rather not jump to conclusions yet as I don’t want her to feel pressured.
Don’t marry someone who won’t have sex with you.
Not trying to sound rude, but.. she doesn’t want it from you because she’s getting it elsewhere. Sorry bro, gotta move on.
Cut it off now and save this sub yet another divorce post
Anything we say is just going to be wild speculation. We don’t know what’s going on in your partner’s mind, body or heart. You have a better insight in to that. If you really have no idea what’s going on we’re not going to have any better luck. And all the *she’s cheating* or *you’re bad in bed* or *Jchicks amirite?* is just sowing the seeds of discord in your relationship.
You live together, yeah? Been together a while? Talk every day? You really can’t think of a reason why this is happening?
Do not get married before working together on this. You will regret it. Understanding might turn into annoyance and then resent. Figure this out together.
Same thing happened to me. Except we were the same age. I still decided to get married.
It ended up in a divorce 4 years later.
One thing I’ve learned: some women are just not eager for sex. I remember I even had a conversation with her parents, and they told me it is because Japanese women are not that horny. BS.
The problem is that it starts with the sex not happening, then the small affection gestures and attentions also disappears. Everything gets betsu betsu. Separate Netflix dramas, separate meals… I couldn’t stand it and to this day I do not understand how she was happy with it.
Anyway, divorcing was painful at first, but after a few months it turned out to be the best decision I’ve ever made. I found out a real loving girlfriend, good sexlife, good romance. Way much happier now.
Not saying it will be the same for you but you should really sort this out before getting married.
Woman in her 30s here. Please understand that low libido can happen due to various reasons. Sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s her, sometimes it’s both.
1. Lack of trust. Did something happen that broke this?
2. Anxiety / depression. Pretty much reduces your libido to zero. Sex becomes a burden and even if the woman does it, she wont be able to enjoy it because her body cant relax.
3. PTSD. I had zero libido for 2 years after my dogs died. Worse yet, my partner couldnt understand. There were a lot of pressure and insults.
4. General exhaustion. I was working 7 days a week to make ends meet. My mind was just not in a sexy place. At all. Partner was drinking at home, jobless, not carrying his weight. I felt resentful and tired.
5. Cyst. Growth in a woman’s uterus can make sex painful.
6. Loss of physical / emotional attraction. Sometimes this happens as time goes on.
To some women, sex doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts outside, with lots and lots of emotional foreplays. One example: If you’ve been neglecting house chores all week and leaving it to her, then having the guts to say “hey, wanna do it?”. Most likely she will feel repulsed.
My previous partner and i spent a lot of time in the bedroom because i felt “safe” and “cared for” with him.
If you have any questions, please let me know 🙂
I’m 52, my J-wife is 48, and we have sex 2-3 times per week, even after 20 years of marriage and 2 kids. If intimacy isn’t a priority for both of you, the relationship as a whole will suffer, even though you love her.
All in Yoshiwara.