Hi all, made a throwaway just in case!
I’m sure you’ve all experienced it, but I have a really toxic coworker that I can’t seem to stop thinking about, and I think it’s starting to have an impact on my mental health.
It feels like she goes directly out of her way, and above me, to make me suffer, and intentionally disrespects me to get a reaction.
I’ll try to keep the story short, but she essentially thought she could do my job better than me, and made a big plea to upper management about why I am in the position I am. She kept a list of “bad things” I had done for 2+ years, and took it to management. It included blatant lies (like swearing at children), and she essentially tried to bring me down.
As of right now, I am part of management, and I’m technically higher in the work hierarchy, however I feel so disrespected and small.
She’s constantly creating a horrible work environment, talking bad about all teachers, and using the little power she has to order others around.
I spoke with upper management, and I was told just to “let it go”. As much as I’ve tried to let it go, I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle which I can’t break out of.
If anyone has any advice with how to deal with situations like theses, it would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
25 comments
Is she Japanese?
It seems like she has you in her sights and if she’s been doing this for 2+ years she probably isn’t about to let up any time soon. It sucks that your management won’t back you up. Your choices are either 1) let it go, 2) get management to care, 3) get her fired before she gets you fired, 4) get a new job. (an optional 5 might be to confront her and ask her what the fuck her problem is). I’d probably go for 4. If your management won’t back you up, then they don’t seem to respect you any more than she does.
Here’s what you do: take her aside one day and tell her that you’ve always appreciated her help and you have a great deal of respect for her expertise. Then tell her that you can’t say anything but you’ve heard someone has it out for her and she should watch her back. You know this because you attend meetings that she doesn’t. Then, in your own mind, convince yourself that the conversation never happened. Continue as if the conversation never happened. This will be utter torture to her. Good luck OP
This is a management issue, and such issues normally should be brought to the attention of the HR department. I’m assuming your institute doesn’t have an HR department.
Unfortunately, eikaiwa management has never been known to be skilled in management or treat teachers fairly, so I doubt there is much you can do.
So yes, you will probably just have to ignore her. It might help if you try to distance yourself. Think of her as a clown or other ridiculous person, someone of no merit whom you can just brush off. Watch her as you would a comedy, mentally laugh and point, and then shake your head and walk away. Interact with her as little as possible, and keep it brief and professional.
But if I were you, I’d start job hunting, at least, informally. Dealing with that kind of toxic atmosphere where management won’t manage long will, in the long term, eventually wreck your mental health. It’s not worth it.
Start bullying her. Of course in a Japanese way. Start criticizing everything she does.
“Oh! You’re wearing a pink cardigan today. It’s very bright and colorful! I hope it doesn’t distract the kids. I like it! I wonder if it’ll distract the kids. I wonder if they’ll start to wear bright colors too. It’s very nice”
“Ah! You gave me my schedule for today at 9:57 instead of 9:54 like you usually do. It’s different. Were you having fun drinking with friends last night? Is that why it’s late. It’s interesting! Well I hope it was fun!”
“Ah! You look tired today. Are you okay?”
“Hmm? Huh? Sorry I can’t understand your English. It’s special. Xx-sans English is easy to understand and simple. Yours is unique. Did your school not have English lessons? I like it! It’s funny for us foreigners”
“Oh are you finishing work early today? That’s nice! Enjoy your free time!”
“Eating out again for lunch? That’s nice. In my country we are taught to cook by our parents as a kind of common sense. Japanese culture is different huh!”
“Oh! Hamburger/noodles/curry/etc for lunch again? You like delicious food huh. You like to treat yourself. That’s so nice. In my home country we’re taught about healthy eating like it’s common sense. I’m so envious!”
Be super careful with this tho lol. The first comment might get type done for some hara
As a manager it comes with the territory and you need to learn to deal with all types including her type.
You’re a manager so, with respect, act like one, rise above it and let it go. Don’t lower yourself to her level or you’ll be seen as unprofessional and just as petty.
Ignore her until she goes away.
HR
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Find a new job
Brush off your resume and start job hunting.
The upper management have clearly indicated that they intend to do nothing about this. This is going to continue until you’re a nervous wreck.
The (presumably Japanese) upper management expect you to just “gaman”. It’s much easier than them actually addressing the situation. Sooner or later you will snap and say something unwise or confrontational and you’ll be the bad guy, or at minimum they’ll use this as evidence that “there is bad behaviour on both sides”.
Leave before this happens. Find a new job. You are not stuck. You can leave. They’ll be stuck with her, and that’s about as much justice as there’s going to be in this situation.
It sucks. I’m sorry for your situation and wish I had better news.
In the interim, if things get too bad, then go visit a doctor and get booked off for a couple of weeks of medical leave for “stress”. Don’t feel badly for your employer – they had the opportunity to resolve the situation and did nothing. You owe them nothing. Put your feet up, detox, and use the time to do job hunting.
As an added piece of advice, get your hands on whatever documentary evidence you can and just keep it in a file somewhere. Going the legal route in Japan is always an absolute last resort, but it is always nice to hold more cards than they think you do. Once you have a fair whack of evidence then visit a lawyer – many offer free initial consultations – show them the evidence and see what they think you can threaten. Off the top of my head if your co-worker has been unwise to put any of these false claims in writing then you could threaten a defamation lawsuit, and you could put the brakes on any punitive action by your superiors if you mention “power harassment” (while a subordinate made the claims your superiors allowed the behaviour to continue making them complicit).
I’m not a lawyer, but it’s always a good rule in life to document as much as possible and keep some aces up your sleeve in case things go badly.
Alright, everyone’s giving joke responses here so I’ll help you out and give an actual serious response.
She clearly has unresolved sexual tension for you and is taking it out by being a Tsundere Baka™. The only answer is to recreate as many scenarios from as many high school romcom anime as possible (run into her on the way to work with toast in your mouth, “accidentally” trip and land on top of her and gaze into her eyes, open the door while she’s changing, the more creepy situations the better—don’t worry about this being seen as sexual harassment because in Japan it’s just anime tropes so it’s fine) until she finally admits her feelings for you. This will definitely work because Japan in real life works exactly like Japan in anime. And then you gaze into her eyes and shed a single tear and report her to the company for unwanted sexual advances and she gets fired.
Problem solved.
Definitely find a new job and also document stuff given she is gunning for you. Even something as easy as a learning log.
Is this person Japanese? What age range is she? Provide more details please.
Sometimes just venting can help, so I hope posting this was therapeutic for you. I also suggest what others have said and either go to HR or start working on not letting her get to you. She will sabotage herself.
Is the person Japanese???
Hi, I’m a Human Resources manager for a mid size international company
Worst thing you can do is meet with her one-on-one or antagonize her. In that case, it will be your word against hers and cause more of a headache for everyone involved. Also, it will cause you to further think about the issue when you’re not at work.
Instead, try to ignore or avoid confrontation with her as much as possible. When you have to engage with her, always invite a third party.
One professional action you can take is talking to management and let them know you now feel uneasy and unsafe working with her, and request their presence in any meeting you have with her.
On a personal level, focus in doing your job when you’re there and consciously tell yourself not to worry about it when you’re not there (like literally say to yourself “I’m not going to talk about person X” whenever you think of her). It’s fine to vent about it once or twice, but if you notice it’s a repeated thing you’re bringing up with friends, then you’re letting it take over your life.
Generally speaking, the only person you can change is yourself and you need to let that other person drown in her misery without taking you down with her.
Skin her 👹👹 jk, but try not to let it absorb you. You can’t let every random person impact your life like that if you don’t want to.
Send her a mail (and cc mgmt) saying that from hereon in you want to communicate by email only wherever possible in order to keep communications officially recorded. Don’t explain more than that. Request her response.
ignore them?
Get some weed, put it in her bag, call the police… she will be out for at least the next 5 years
Come in a little extra early every day and breathe out audibly for a full minute while staring at her. Don’t say anything else, don’t reply to anything she says. She’ll eventually snap and kill you or maybe quit. Either way, you’ll be rid of her and that’s called winning.
Sounds like a typical Japanese co-worker female version.
It’s par for the course if she’s not your friend.
If you start complaining to management, there’s a chance they might let go of you, or let both of you go at the end of your contracts. What I would do is use your power to demote her, and give her less shifts until she eventually quits. Moreover, try to get management to make a new contract for her, and make her sign it promising her that it is because of Covid, and there are less projects.
don’t know if this applies here but
In Japan, defamation can be prosecuted either criminally or civilly.
Under Article 230-1 of the Criminal Code of Japan:
“(1) A person who defames another by alleging facts in public shall, regardless of whether such facts are true or false, be punished by imprisonment with or without work for not more than three (3) years or a fine of not more than 500,000 yen.”
Practice ignoring a toxic coworker is the best way.