Will I lose my kids?

24 comments

1. Only your lawyer can help you through this.

   Unless your husband, who is unwilling to file amicably, has committed some form of actual documentable abuse or adultery, then divorce will become a messy, drawn-out process.

   The courts will almost certainly do what they feel is best for the children, not for you.

2. If his “surprise announcement” to the kids happened while you were there, just imagine what he’ll tell them (or do) when you’re gone. If at all possible, don’t leave your kids.

3. iirc usually children are awarded to the primary caretaker, which would really lower your chances if you left

4. Not a bad father? Waking sleeping kids to tell them their mom is leaving because she doesn’t love them anymore is clearly abusive. How awful.

   I’m sorry. I hope you can all get away from him.

5. Getting the kids “back” is a no-go without a lot of cooperation from your husband. Keeping them is possible.
   If you are going to get a divorce, do not under any circumstances leave the kids with him during the process. In fact, people who abuse the system will purposefully live separately with the kids before divorce proceedings to set up the kids’ routines apart from the spouse. Of course, find a lawyer, better yet find three because the first two are going to give you cultural advice instead of legal advice, but as a precautionary measure do not leave the kids with your husband. If he wants to get an apartment and live on his own, great! Otherwise, no shenanigans, no compromise, that home is your home, those kids are yours, if you travel or move they come with you. Please listen to that- if your husband starts feeling vengeful he could really make things difficult for you if he works the system (which I’m assuming will be easier for him as a native). You don’t have to be cruel, but be firm.

6. As soon as you can, make sure your children know your contact information. You want to ensure that if your husband runs off with the kids, they can contact you. Perhaps deputized the 13-year-old for this. Sure, he may not be able to run because of his job or other factors, but better to be prepared.
   Do not leave the house until you have a bulletproof plan. IIRC, custody generally goes to the parent who has possession of the kids. If you leave, take the kids with you.

7. You and your lawyer are the experts of your situation so please take any advice given here with a grain of salt (including mine).

   Yes, I am afraid that leaving them in the care of their dad for an extended period of time will endanger your chances of gaining custody.
   It is true that custody is usually awarded to the parent who is the primary caregiver. With a father this abusive, you will want to aim for custody of your children to protect them. That means all your evidence for the judge has to show that you are indeed the primary caregiver. Do focus on that and not on how abusive he was towards you (frankly, judges don’t care, even physical abuse doesn’t matter unless he also hit the kids). Everything that is of value, produce it. Show you were the one dealing with their schools, doc appts, night routines, making bentos, homework etc.
   Really talk to your lawyer about how to proceed toward physically separating while also ensuring you will still be seen as the primary caregiver.

8. Once I went to a consultation with a lawyer regarding divorce. We didn’t go through it and we’re still working things out. But I need to share what she told me, because I feel it’s really important here. If there is proof that you’re not living under the same house as your kids for a while, the court will see it as you not being the main carer and the custody will probably go to the parent who stays with the kids. I don’t remember the details but she told me if I wanted to keep my daughter, to make sure it was him the one who moved somewhere else. I don’t know if this makes any sense to you but please ask your lawyer next time. I hope things work out and I’m sending you lots of virtual hugs. Stay strong and fight!

9. It’s difficult to get a divorce if one of the spouses is refusing to agree to it. You need a lawyer.

10. I’m so sorry. This is 100% toxic and manipulative behavior and is unethical and inexcusable. I worry about your desire to stay close for the sake of the kids. I understand your reasoning in wanting to maintain your kids’ ‘old life’ but by what you just told us, this guy seems like he’ll burn everything down just to spite you.

    My own father did this same song and dance with my mother. While things fell apart after I went to college and I was able to see my father for who he was, my little sister wasn’t so lucky.

    My father kicked my mom out of the house and blamed her for everything. Despite our finances being in ruins due to his decisions. While the bank slowly foreclosed on our house, my dad found a woman to back him financially while he refused to get a job.

    Once the divorce was finalized, he got his inheritance from his mom, left with aforementioned new woman and ditched my sister to go be a landlord in Portugal.

    My mom was scapegoated so much that my sister still doesn’t want anything to do with her. She makes outrageous claims of abuse from her and we our relationship is built on not talking about how we completely disagree on everything.

    Believe me when I say this. Narcissist men can go scorched earth.

11. In another post … you mention that “he controls my visa”.

    What’s the situation there?

12. Custody of kids is determined during the time of divorce, like you write it in on the form that you both stamp. If he agrees to give you custody, then you have them and won’t lose the kids. If he doesn’t agree, then you have to go to family court and fight it out there.

13. Will I lose my kids? I feel bad for your situation but people really post on Reddit the most random stuff. This is something you should really be discussing with a lawyer, a professional, rather than on Reddit with unknown users who may give you false or inaccurate information.

14. There’s been some media coverage about parental abduction in the Australian media in the last few days. Links below.

    Don’t leave him alone with the kids. If I were you, I would reach out to some of the people covered in the media to ask for their advice. Lawyers are likely to advise you to follow the legal process. The people who’ve had their children abducted might have other suggestions that will make it more likely that you having ongoing contact with your kids.

    https://amp.theage.com.au/world/asia/sarah-had-24-hours-to-abduct-her-own-children-or-never-see-them-again-20230314-p5crua.html

    https://amp.smh.com.au/world/asia/eighty-two-australian-children-have-been-abducted-in-japan-and-it-s-legal-20230313-p5crou.html

    https://www.smh.com.au/world/asia/japanese-mps-condemn-child-abductions-call-on-australia-to-pressure-tokyo-20230316-p5csss.html

15. I had to go through divorce with a son here in Japan as well about a year and 2 months ago. I am a non-Japanese Male. I even wrote a post here about the situation as well. Long story short I was cheated on.

    Biggest advice I can give you is to not do anything until you get and consult a lawyer.

    Every decision you make needs to go through the lawyer first. Do not leave the house you’re in right now with your kids neither until lawyer says so.

    Sadly your best option is to try to get out with a divorce by agreement, that is the fastest and less complicated and expensive way out.

    That is what I did and managed to hold my son’s custody as I am the one how is taking care of him, including keeping the apartment, etc.

    For what the lawyer told me the decision to give custody to one parent or the other will be based on what is best for the kid and they will look at things like for example family support, etc.

    If he refuses to divorce and decide to go through with it anyway you will need to gather evidence of him not being a good father/husband.

    But again probably the best advice you can get here is to simply go get a lawyer first. Also if you do not like or feel good about your lawyer then get another one.

    I got cheated on and I was pretty hurt, the first lawyer I went to (she was a woman mind you) did not take me very seriously and even at some point even laughed at my situation/broken Japanese. It made me feel devastated but decided to move on and get a different lawyer. Found one that could speak more English and she made such a huge difference.

    Find a good lawyer, someone whom you can communicate effectively with and will understand your situation.

    This might not be the most constructive thing to say but know also that you can inflict him some pain economically. If you want to you are entitled to half of everything you own together. If he used his personal account to pay for communal things like bills, loan or insurance then that account becomes shared even if you are not on it. This could be something you could use as a bargaining chip if he does not want to agree to the divorce. I know money is not something you care and just want to remain with your kids but it could be a tool used to coerce him into an agreement.

    But ideally try dialogue first to see if you can get him to agree on a divorce that works for both of you and where you can keep custody.

    Best of luck, everything must look bleak right not but do not dispare you can get through this and you will.

    I wish you the best OP do not give up.

16. I would suggest you get in touch with a group called Association for Foreign Wives of Japanese (just search for AFWJ). They have members that have divorced and maintained custody, so they should be able to help with advice and suggestions for lawyers, etc. You may need to become a member, but it’s not very expensive.

    I wouldn’t trust his mom to be on your side. He probably plans to dump the kids on her after you leave. He does not sound like a guy who is eager to be a single father.

17. If you leave the house alone, you are legally abandoning the kids and will likely lose custody. Ask him to move into the house down the road. Or take the kids with you.

18. > he’s not a bad father

    He absolutely is an awful father. Involving kids in emotional games is unforgivable and totally fucked up. Waking them up to alienate them against their mother? Like I think you are just used to really manipulative and abusive behavior b/c to me that is sooooooo fucked up. Like that he would even do that is unreal to me, and reveals a LOT about his character and the things he will do to try and maintain control. That was a “core memory” for the kids, and utterly evil on his part.

    I am sorry to say that I have no advice or awareness of how things will shake out, but good for you to end what sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I am so sorry for what you and the kids are going through. Hang in there.

19. I hate to say it OP but based on this story and your comments, I would seriously consider absconding with your kids before he does. The tradeoff would be none of you would be able to return to Japan until they are adults.

20. I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. I ca relate with your struggles because I am also going through the same except I’m a Canadian Male which makes it harder for me and custody.

    My wife has a terrible narcissistic tendencies which she has inherited from her family. Like everyone said abandon any chance of having any sort of adult relationship with any of them. My in laws turned on me and lied to my face to try and get me to do what they wanted which was to literally leave and never come back.

    I’ve also done my share of research unfortunately your husband can deny the divorce unless you can prove he has cheated on you, abused you, or stopped supporting your family for like 3 years.

    Like you have heard before Japanese courts will do what’s best for the children but they also believe that kids staying with the Japanese parent will be what’s best, in certain situation even deferring custody to the grandparents.

    I’d highly suggest you moving into your own place near by and setting up a schedule for your kids to see you both. Your kids are al old enough now to understand the situation and won’t be “poisoned” I can assure your this. This was my biggest fear of moving out of the toxic environment I was in with my wife. I highly suggest that you continue to support your children and keep building them up and making sure that any negativity that their father dumps on them can be washed away when they see you when they grow up they’ll realize what went down.

    Fight the war not the battles. Take your lumps now but know when they are all adults they’ll know how much you sacrificed and how hard you worked for their happiness and success.

    Good luck with your journey and if you ever need a pep talk on some encouragement feel free to send me a DM because I know without the help of my friends and family it can be heavy burden that drags you down.

21. If there are two basically fit & healthy parents in a divorce in Japan, usually the parent who is the primary caregiver will be granted custody of the children. (Your husband likely knows this, and you are likely the primary caregiver, and he doesn’t want to lose access to his kids like often happens to fathers in Japan.)

    Here on Reddit we hear mostly about the Japanese partner getting the kids because in most western-Japanese relationships, the Japanese partner is female and typically the primary caregiver. In cases where the foreign partner is the primary caregiver (regardless of gender) them getting custody is not unusual.

    You need to speak to a lawyer who understands your situation and you need to listen to their advice on what to do, and what **not** to do.

    ***
    ***

    Edit:

    > I don’t want half his anything, I wasn’t even asking for the house, just the opportunity to live there until the youngest graduated high school.

    You need to adjust your thinking and you need to demand your fare split of the communal assets in any divorce that happens. Don’t shortchange yourself and your children because of some weird sense of pride.

    ***
    ***

    Best of luck to you. Stay strong, and take care of yourself and your kids.

22. You can get divorce by mutual consent or non mutual consent.

    For non mutual you have to prove an ‘exception ‘ and this pretty much, by way of precedent, boils down to DV, abandonment for 3 years or more ( this also can be interpreted as no job, but usually it’s physically leaving.) Or adultery. It’s not easy. And why divorce rates are low here.

    For mutual there are generally two ways and 1 illegal way.
    1) agree on it peacefully
    2) make his life hell until he does. Lock him out of his own house and make him get a locksmith scream at him until he wants to live in his car. This is the crazy person route and the stuff you do here will affect future custody battles, which he has a huge advantage in already just being a Japanese citizen. He could probably abduct your kids and get away with it. I hope you got permanent residency while married.
    3) the illegal way I have had happen to friends is just get the paperwork for mutual and fill it out yourself. Use his hanko when he is sleeping and that ball is already rolling and hard as hell to stop as long as you deny your dirty deed.

    For those of you who don’t know about this risk or worried your SO will go crazy and do this to you like mine, there is a special document at the city hall you can fill out that makes it so any divorce has to be done in person before witnesses and eliminates that risk. It is very assuring whenever the wife goes on her pissyfit about making curry wrong or some dumb shit and escalates to divorce talk and I just say go ahead and try, but I do not agree.

23. I’m sure our expert Reddit users will have a better answer than your lawyer

24. Do not leave without your kids. What basically decides custody in Japan is who is living with which parent at the time of divorce. If you file for divorce while they live with your husband and you live somewhere else, he will 99% chance get custody.

    The courts basically don’t wanna extract kids from a “stable” living environment so will let them live at the current place (with mom or dad) at the time of divorce until it’s finalized. The parent they are living with almost always gets custody.