So, like many foreigners in this sub who married Japanese spouses, I am thinking about divorce. My Japanese wife brings it up constantly and practically begs for it when she’s having her borderline personality disorder episodes.
The thing is, we have a one-year-old girl whom we both love dearly and would do anything for. Through a divorce, one of us would get the child, but if she gets custody, I will definitely never see her again and I don’t think I can handle that.
As I said above, my wife has borderline personality disorder and when she has episodes, she loses all control and breaks things, physically abused me, screams demonically, commits suicidal gestures, self-harms, and more. I’m afraid for my daughter’s safety/life if my wife gets custody.
I’m wondering what the chances are of winning custody as a foreigner male. I’m on a spousal visa, attending graduate school here in Japan, and am about to get a full-time job (I currently don’t have a job because I was taking care of our daughter as a stay-at-home-dad). I don’t have a car in my name and our apartment is in the wife’s name. Wife has a decent job working remote for a company in Tokyo. She previously came at me with a kitchen knife which was reported to the police, but charges were never filed. The record is there, and if it happens again, she could face serious trouble.
Also, she forced me to start going to the hospital to fix my Asperger’s syndrome which, according to her, is the root cause of all our marital problems. She refuses to go to a hospital herself for a BPD diagnosis despite literally having every symptom and even childhood background.
My wife constantly says she will definitely win a custody battle because:
– She’s Japanese
– She’s the mother
– She has a stable job
– She has a car and apartment all listed in her name
– She is not going to the hospital to seek any kind of treatment
Possibly relevant information:
– Daughter has an American passport but no Japanese passport yet (her Japanese nationality can be proved through 戸籍 though)
– I have a picture of a bruise that she gave me from one BPD episode she had a while ago
– I have several audio recordings of her going through an episode saying things like, “I hate you”, “I want you to suffer,” etc… None of it was with her consent though
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I don’t know my dude, but if you’re heading for a divorce then it seems like you need to either try and make it amicable, or you would want to gather as much evidence as possible in order to make people believe she is a headcase.
None of this was apparent before you got married?
I feel bad for the kid the most in this situation. One parent that is crazy and another that is oblivious
In a nutshell, you’re going to have to prove that she’s a danger to your daughter.
I personally know two American men who were given custody of their children over a Japanese wife. In one case, the person hired a “private detective” agency, who then followed here and gathered evidence of her leaving the kids (young) home by themselves while she was out partying all night, etc. The package was then used in the custody determination. You’ll have to talk to such an agency, and they can explain the ins and outs of what they can provide.
The second person was much like your situation, and he just toughed it out long enough to get a record. What I mean is that every time she acted violent, threatened suicide, etc., he called the cops. If a person is actually mentally ill and having an episode like this, they don’t stop acting like that when the cops arrive. In fact, they often become worse. Get enough documentation, and Bob’s your uncle.
Either way, it sucks and it’s a tough row to hoe. Put your own feelings aside, and make choices on what the best outcome for your child will be.
You could request marriage mediation first (shinzoku chyoutei 親族調停 I think it’s called) . They could hear both sides and lay out some ground rules first. Unfortunately it does cost money if you get lawyers involved too.
Document everything and start talking to a lawyer.
I know this wasn’t the main point of your post, but forcing you to go to the hospital to “fix” your Asperger’s syndrome… being non-neurotypical is an asset, not a problem to solve. Sorry your wife can’t see that at this time.
Edit: I meant non-neurotypical.
> I have several audio recordings of her going through an episode saying things like, “I hate you”, “I want you to suffer,” etc… None of it was with her consent though
As I understand it, consent isn’t required in Japan. That is valid evidence.
Also jsyk going to therapy and getting help actually looks better for you in court cause it shows you’re trying to change so idk why your wife is saying it will make you look bad. As long as it’s not going on meds I think then it’s fine
This is speculation, but:
BPD people tend to have serious issues with abandonment. She is likely projecting this by asking for a divorce. If she wanted to divorce you she does not need your permission, by the way. If you take her daughter, she will come after you. Whether she would follow you to the US, I am not sure.
I feel sorry for the kid.
I’m almost same situation as you. I felt helpless since I don’t have proper job, I’m taking care of our son and getting abused by all kind of stuff that’s she’s putting on me.
One thing I know is she knows I have no choice if I want to be in my sons life.
Unfortunately unlike you I have no choice to go back in my country with my son.
This May my spouse visa will expire and she said she won’t help. Because our son is almost 3 years old and will start to school this April. So she don’t need me.
Long story short, upcoming May i will loose my son, I have no country to go back to, and most definitely can’t get any visa extension. Basically waiting to died like a patient who’s sick for a long time.
Please don’t do what I do, act quickly. Because your partner and your situation won’t change.
Best of luck.
When I discussed with a lawyer, I was told the only way I’d get custody is if I can prove that the mother was mentally unstable to care for the child and if she poses as a threat to harm the child or herself. You may have something here if you can keep documenting the outbursts.
Seriously, just get divorced and run. Maybe that’s very painful but the rest of your life will be ruined otherwise.
Honestly you have very little chance of success in getting custody over your daughter. That 4th paragraph of yours was a doozy.
You:
* Are a foreigner
* Are male
* Have a spousal visa
* Are attending graduate school
* Currently don’t have a job
* Don’t have a car
* Apartment is in the wife’s name.
* Have a diagnosed mental health disorder
Your wife:
* Is Japanese
* Is the mother
* Has a decent job
* Has no diagnosed mental health disorder
* Has a house
Basically everything you wrote is a point against you. You have no income (no way to support a daughter on your own). You have no car or house (nowhere to live). You have no visa either if you get divorced, which means you’ll be forced to leave the country unless you get a job and a new visa.
From the court’s perspective, they could give the daughter’s custody to the Japanese mother with a house and a job and not significantly disrupt the child’s life, or they could give it to the foreign father with no income nor place to live, who would then likely be forced to take the child abroad due to lack to residency status to a place she’s likely never been, massively disrupting her life.
I have no doubt what you say is true, that you’re the primary caregiver and that your wife is crazy, but with those credentials a judge would have to be insane to award you custody over her.
The only way you’d get it would be if you could prove that your wife presents a danger to your daughter. A picture of a bruise probably won’t cut it.
I’m afraid I can’t really give you any advice, the odds are just completely stacked against you here. Maybe if you had a working visa and a job and your wife’s disorder was medically diagnosed, you’d have a chance, but right now there’s not much you can do. Either stick it out, get a job and improve your odds a bit or get out of there and risk losing contact with your daughter. Either way you should probably consult a lawyer.
I have no horse in these types of divorce/custody battles as I don’t have any kids, but I’m confused in these types of situations why the Dad can’t just take the kid back to their country and run? I read about it happening the opposite way, as in a Japanese wife taking the kids to Japan and then cutting any contact. Not looking at it from a moral standpoint I’m just wondering if theirs some type of reason as to why I never hear about it happening in reverse.
Since it is the child’s right to see her father, you can continue to see her again even if you do not get custody of her in the divorce.
It is a difficult situation for the daughter to be in when the father has ASD and the mother has BPD and the two of them do not get along.
The only way your getting custody is to show she’s a nutcase.
So you need to start playing the long game and RECORD RECORD RECORD. EVERY meltdown.
Every time she gets violent, brings out a knife, whatever. RECORD