I have actually posted this in r/relationshipadvice but people there are not very knowledgeable on the topic of Japanese culture so I thought I would give it a try here.
I’m a foreigner, (Asian 25F), and my boyfriend is Japanese (30M). We have been dating for four years. We met in Canada whilst he was on working holiday, did long distance for a year during our second year, and we’ve been living together for 2 years in Japan since our third year because I landed a job in Japan.
Our values differ drastically and we have been sweeping these issues under the carpet for the past 2 years since he hates confrontation.
For me, he is a very self-centred lover since he will never inconveniences himself for our relationship.
His self interest always comes first (one time he refused to help out with doing laundry, it was mostly his laundry as well, because he had to drink and watch shows on his own), and his level of compromising is very low, at least it is for me. He never thinks from my perspective and will never make an effort to make me happy. He is what westerners would deem the “bare-minimum” boyfriend.
He would rather spend time on his own than be with me (he much prefers doing things on his own such as watching movies, chilling out, having meals, just doing everything on his own), he doesn’t want to celebrate anniversaries/Valentine’s Day/ Christmas etc. Minimum signs of affection (both verbal and physical), no gifts nor surprises of course.
For him, love doesn’t equate unconditional love and support, and a relationship is not interdependent, both partners should remain absolute independence until we have a baby. (E.g I shouldn’t expect him to help out with tasks at home/ bother him because we are separate individuals) Hence, he thinks I have high expectations when I want to share with him both my good and bad times and expect him to be there for me when I’m sad or stressed; he thinks I’m too demanding when I deem certain things as shared responsibilities and expect him to do his part.
He says that he never asked me to do things for him (E.g. cook meals, grocery shopping, clean the house, plan our dates, pay for his stuff) and I’m doing these things voluntarily and cannot ask the same of him.
He would always go back to the argument that most Japanese men are like that and I would have nothing to say.
He would say that his brothers are like that with their wives, his friends are like that with their girlfriends, thus he is the average Japanese boyfriend, or even arguably better because he now openly communicates with me. I am the one who is being demanding and needy.
In addition, I am the breadwinner hence I have been paying for most things (last year I paid for everything as in rent/ food/ travels/ daily necessities since he was not making enough money to even pay for rent). Hence all I ask from him is love and emotional support, but I cannot feel it…
I am still with him because despite our differences, I still love him and when nobody is stressed, we have a very good time together.
P.S. my Japanese is pretty good I can work in Japanese in a business setting so he speaks to me in Japanese 40% of the time.
So the questions are:
Are these really cultural issues or is it just him?
Am I being too demanding?
Should I continue this relationship? (The original plan was I sponsor his PR as my common law partner for him to come to Canada with me)
TLDR: my Japanese boyfriend pulls the “cultural difference” card on me for issues in our relationship. Are these really cultural issues or are they just personal issues?
– no signs of affection (be it verbal or physical, quality time, acts of services, gifts)
– thinks emotional support should not be expected in a relationship
– needs extreme personal time (as in I’m out of the house), only wants to spend time with me when he has “yoyu 余裕“
Edit: thank you to everybody for the love and support 😭🫶🏻 he has agreed with me to go to couples therapy so let’s see how that goes. Also to correct, he is in charge of laundry at home and is very clean. He picks up after himself. It’s just that he refuses to help out if it is not his chore/ responsibility. He also did improve his communications skills since he now openly communicates with me, although everything else remained the same and hence he believes that I do not recognize his efforts and is being too demanding. He said that maybe he can change, but he can’t promise and it might take a LONG time. (Unspecified timeframe)
Just wanna give him credit since he is not a bad person it’s just that his childhood experiences have shaped him to the person he is today, in which he thinks it’s totally healthy and ok.
47 comments
TLDR: BF is an asshole but only 80% of the time.
Imagine relying on your five-years-younger, foreigner girlfriend to pay the bills…
OP this is not a “cultural issue”. You need to find a better man.
No these arent cultural differences. Hes self centered and lazy.
even if it was a cultural issue (it’s not), would that make the situation any better on your end?
Everyone has their Mr orMrs Right, and he isn’t yours sadly. Regardless of culture, love should always finds a way and a relationship is meeting each other halfway. As hard as it is considering all the time and effort you’ve put into the relationship, it is time to plan on moving on from him. I know it’s easier said than done, I’ve been there. But you will be happier in the long run and you will open yourself up to meeting your Mr Right.
Sounds like you’re dating a man-child and even paying for him to essentially leech off of you… It’s a 100% dump from me because he’s clearly never going to change when he keeps pulling the whole “cultural differences” card.
OP, I say this with love: the sooner you leave this guy, the better. He will not change “once you have a baby” (good *god!*) — he is showing you, right now, exactly what you can expect for the rest of your life if you stay. I know you love him, and I know there are good times, but trust me: you will be happier after leaving him, and some day when you’ve found a partner who supports and respects you, you’ll be so, so grateful that you did.
This is a personal issue. He’s a freeloader.
My suggestion is you dump him ASAP before he’s entrenched in your life too much.
If I were in your shoes I would not start a family with this guy. At the very least, you need to tell him that his good enough for a Japanese relationship is not going to cut it with you. It’s awfully convenient to hide behind cultural differences. But this is your relationship, not a platonic friendship. And he’s basically told you he’s not willing to change. Don’t let the good times make you forget that. And my honors degree from the two cent university of armchair psychology tells me you’ve entered the cesspit that is Reddit to have this knot in your stomach confirmed. He ain’t it.
This is not cultural, this is him.
It will only get worse, don’t waste your time and leave him asap.
You love him, sure.
But do you even *like* him?
Sounds like you don’t and frankly neither do I.
Would ten year old you say her dream was to grow up and marry someone like him?
Yeah this isn’t cultural. I’m a guy and none of my male friends are like this with their spouse.
Sounds like a lazy entitled bastard. That’s not a “cultural issue”.
Married for over a decade to a Japanese man who also lived in Canada. He’s incredibly helpful, loving, and kind and pulls his weight around the house despite his demanding (and very well-paying) job.
So no, your situation isn’t cultural. That guy is just a loser, unfortunately, and you deserve better. Know your worth.
From your description I’d have to say he’s a jerk. It isn’t cultural, it’s him. My Japanese husband is an absolute sweetheart. I’m always his top priority. He’s very Japanese in many ways but his commitment to our happiness together is absolute.
Would you be ok with it if it’s a cultural issue?
Tell him in Japan the man is supposed to be the breadwinner and work overtime everyday, and you should control his salary because the woman is supposed to do the finances of the house. Why do “cultural differences” only work in his favor? lol
He’s being honest with you. At least him, and the people in his general vicinity are like him.
Sometimes, when someone tells you who they are, it’s who they really are.
If he was lying, he’d try to elevate the status of Japanese Men, and take digs at other men around the world.
Considering he himself is saying all Japanese men are like this… it’s definitely a him issue and not a cultural issue. My J husband hates it when I pull any kind of “it’s cause you’re Japanese/I’m American” card. Sooo yeah.
My husband isn’t very affectionate but shows his love usually through gift giving or doing something thoughtful for me.
I can’t even imagine what the third one would be like after kids. Could you handle him just bailing on family time cause he needs to be alone??
My spouse (of 10 years) is Japanese and I am American. I find that when one of us uses the culture card (and we’ve both done it) then it usually signals that we are completely unwilling to change. Whether the issue at hand is really a cultural issue is kind of irrelevant; the important point is that it asserts “I’m not going to change this so don’t even try to ask me to.”
So you just need to ask yourself if the behavior is something you can learn to accept. If not, then it is going to poison your relationship forever.
I’m not going to pile on and call him a selfish asshole—he’s certainly emotionally selfish, but lots of people are and they still manage to have decent relationships and raise families. It’s a hell of a lot better than someone who is abusive and controlling.
If you’re not ready to give up on him then you might want to try a different way of communicating. It’s common for men to get emotionally “flooded” during difficult confrontations and basically just shut down. It seems weird but perhaps communicating through daily emails or some other indirect method might allow you to pull these issues out from under the rug without causing him to retreat.
Girl hell to the fuckin no!! I’m in a similar situation money wise with my bf and we have been dating for 4 years in Japan and live together. HE does all the laundry, cooking, and tidying while I clean some things. We are very physical and he spends a lot of time with me at home. And other Japanese guys I’ve dated have been more similar to my bf rather than yours. You should tell him how you feel and if he doesn’t understand…. You can find another bf because wtf
When reading what you wrote about his personality I said out loud “then what is he in a relationship for? He’s acting like he’s single”
Dunno, sounds like too much to deal with
There are cultural differences, but he is using the worst of cultural differences to be a lazy freeloader who just gets what he wants. He is fitting into the stereotypical Japanese husband (of the 80s), but those guys at least had high-paying stable jobs and at work all the time. He just sounds like a lazy entitled asshole
This dude sounds awful.
I don’t care what anyone says on this sub but I’ve seen it way too often.
Dating a Japanese man, better be ready to date a spoiled self-centered man child 9 times out of 10.
Jesus christ how did you stay with this loser for 4 years lmao.
>Are these really cultural issues or is it just him?
NOT AT ALL. Even among Japanese males, he is a terrible life partner. Although it may be common for elder Japanese men to behave in that manner, it’s no longer acceptable among younger generations.
Can’t believe you’re paying for him! He sounds like a complete d*ck. Find a new bf.
These are not cultural issues, your BF is freeloader who doesn’t seem to actually care about you
In a year or less, I hope this becomes a “look back and laugh” moment for you
In dating everything is personal – it might be that person was shaped by their culture but they’re a person. And reading your post there is nothing here cultural this is personal.
That being said:
>Our values differ drastically and we have been sweeping these issues under the carpet for the past 2 years since he hates confrontation. For me, he is a very self-centred lover since he will never inconveniences himself for our relationship. His self interest always comes first (one time he refused to help out with doing laundry, it was mostly his laundry as well, because he had to drink and watch shows on his own), and his level of compromising is very low, at least it is for me. He never thinks from my perspective and will never make an effort to make me happy. He is what westerners would deem the “bare-minimum” boyfriend.
None of this is cultural. Your mind is throwing up red flags for a reason. No amount of you wishing it will change is going to change him. No amount of “cultural understanding” is going to fix this. You need to decide if you can actually tolerate this or cut the chord now while you’re still young enough to recover in terms of having career freedom/a family/whatever it is you want.
Let me be clear again **no amount of you loving him is going to change anything about him**. All you’re going to do is waste your time if you can’t accept his behavior because as you so conveniently mentioned he isn’t going to change his behavior long term (he might short term to keep you but this sort of person never truly changes because it’s all about them).
You are describing my ex… I noticed that this type of man I easier to find in Japan BUT there are many many mannnyyy nice guys too. My husband is Japanese and he is kind, and open-minded. He loves cuddling and helping with everything at home. Listen to me and run! Find someone who deserves you, this guy doesn’t 100%.
What do you even like about him? it sounds like you basically moved here to be his mom, both financially and emotionally. Maybe you should tell him you’ll only be paying for things and doing housework when *you* have the *yoyuu*.
Leave him! You can do better.
You wrote all this and you still feel at age 25 that this is the person for you for the rest of your life?
ah yes cover your asshole boyfriend as “cultural issues”.. girl he’s an asshole no matter what ‘culture’ he comes from.
You need to leave that parasite of a man like yesterday.
*lists 235 things why boyfriend is an asshole*
“So is this like a cultural thing?”
No, it’s an asshole boyfriend thing!
Plus he is trying to gaslight you into believing that everyone is like that and problem is in you. It’s not true. I see a lot of hardworking, gentle and caring young Japanese men trying to make their gf/ wife and kids happy. My husband is one of them.
My 31 year-old Japanese boyfriend is nothing like your boyfriend and he’s never lived abroad meaning he’s only ever had Japanese influence in his life.
Conclusion: You just found yet another guy that puts his shitty personality down to ‘cultural differences’.
Oh hell no. Run. Run like the wind.
He is gaslighting you big time, because he can get away with it. He’s taking advantage of your ignorance about social norms in Japan. This is a really common situation in mixed-culture relationships, especially when one partner has no roots or support system in the country. I see it all the time, and not just in Japan.
Just find a way to to get out. He brings nothing to the table. You deserve better.
Hmm, sounds like my Japanese ex. Believe me, single is far better and less lonely. DTMFA.
We live in a globalized society, there is no such thing as a “culture” of being a total asshole. Please just dump him, he’s worthless.
Whether it is a cultural issue or a personal issue does not matter; what is the point of keeping him around? He’s like a pet that doesn’t even lick you when you come home. Don’t let him trick you into thinking everyone is like this; I guarantee you can find someone better. Even if 90% of Japanese guys are in fact like this, you would still have a 10% chance of a satisfying relationship, versus the 0% you have now.
I’ve had three Japanese boyfriends. So I will base my answers of my experiences for you to compare. Firstly, with my last ex I lived together and I did the laundry while he did the cooking. We made sure to both have household roles and we did cleaning the house together. Which we also mutually were on the same page on in terms of when and how often we’d clean it.
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>no signs of affection (be it verbal or physical, quality time, acts of services, gifts)
That is a “him” thing. Acts of services was pretty much my last ex’s love language. My second ex was also pretty big on giving gifts (I remember receiving Tiffany earrings once).
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>thinks emotional support should not be expected in a relationship
Again, that’s a “him” thing. I was always able to talk about my problems and they vice versa could also talk about their problems.
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>needs extreme personal time (as in I’m out of the house), only wants to spend time with me when he has “yoyu 余裕“
Also a “him” thing. All of my exes loved spending time with me. I often went out with my exes. Even with my last ex, despite living together, we loved going out together. Even if it was just for a walk around town.
I thought my last ex had a pretty bad avoidant attachment style, but he seems like nothing compared to your boyfriend. Yikes. Are you sure you want to be with someone as cold as that? You shouldn’t settle for someone like this tbh, you can get a much more loving partner.
for better or worse the quintessential japanese man would be working overtime every night to feed his family and support a stay at home wife (and a kyabakura habit), not leeching on his girlfriend.
dude is a bum and manchild whose father maybe did a little too much of the overtime and wasn’t there to be a positive role model.
Speaking as a Japanese man married to a Caucasian woman for 20+ years, no, this is not normal or acceptable. I sometimes say jokingly “this is what happens in a traditional Japanese household”, to which she replies with something like “well good thing I’m not Japanese and this isn’t Japan in the dark ages.”
Remember that once you have kids, there will be a heck of a lot more stress, compromises, and things that have to get done. Eg, if you need to keep working to be the breadwinner, he will HAVE to take care of the kids and do at least his part of the housework (and there are a lot more of those once you have kids).
Him being Japanese is not an acceptable excuse for treating you this way. Just as it is not an excuse for any Japanese man to treat his Japanese wife that way. It happens, but that is also not acceptable. Just like it’s not acceptable when it happens in other countries.
Even if you bought the whole “cultural differences” thing, its not like Japanese culture is well-known for treating people equally. If anything, Japanese society is largely stereotyped as xenophobic, sexist, and generally old-fashioned. It’s perfectly okay to say some cultural practices fucking suck and have no place in a more modern and educated world.
My point is that regardless of “cultural differences”, your BF is acting a dick of a man-child. Japanese women complain about the lack of care and love from their partners all the time. Why would you accept this behavior just because you’re a foreigner?
Honestly I’ve never had a Japanese boyfriend but I do have Japanese male friends and they treat me much nicer than your boyfriend treats you, to be frank. I receive Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, cards, and letters from them and we occasionally discuss personal issues with each other when feeling stressed.
They never tell me not to open up to them because I’m too “high maintenance” or “too emotional”. I have received a lot of respect from them and am very appreciative to have such good friends. They are very very considerate not only of me but of the people around them and I highly doubt it’s because they’re just an exception within their culture.
I think even if you were just friends with this guy he would be a shit friend. And even if this IS somehow a cultural thing I think you would be better off alone rather than with someone who is clearly not invested enough in you.
I’m a Japanese girl. This is my opinion.
Contrary to what people are saying on this sub, some of it IS a cultural issue. Depending on where he was raised and how his parents were like, it’s possible he grew up in a conservative mysogenistic household. He’s right in some regards, he’s not alone, lot of Japanese men are useless idiots like him (especially rural ones)
The thing is though, even if it was a cultural difference, is his shit attitude something you want to put up with for the rest of your life? Can you overlook it and carry him and your kids (if you choose to have any) by yourself until you’re dead? Because I guarantee it won’t get better just because you have kids and he finally agrees to combine your incomes/chores to “work together” instead of individually. It’s been 4 years together and you’ve been living together for 2. Has it gotten better? If not, don’t waste any more of your time. He sounds like a loser.
My parents are both thoroughly Japanese. Born, raised, and lived in Japan all their lives until they were 35 ish. Their relationship isn’t great, but my dad’s not a loser who can’t contribute to a household. He took care of us kids, cooked, cleaned, helped with everything else whenever he was asked.