RResidents in Japan

1.5 year friendship

I have been talkimg with a friend for about a year and a half. He knows I like him and he has shown interest in my hobbies. He also always wants to pay when we go out. But he doesn’t respond often, even though he originally set the pace of communication. Also when I said I didn’t thank him enough he said I made my feelings clear. Is it just the fact that he is shy, do I need to help in creating a better space for communication? Or is he just grateful that I helped him study daily, while I was in the US? I dont know, I figured since it correlates to the Japanese mindset and mannerisms, it would be helpfulto ask on this reddit page. Please help🙏

16 comments

  1. A lot of people falsely blame “Japanese mind set” for shockingly poor social skills. He’s just not thar into you, or, if he is, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. With kindness! ♡

  2. You’re nothing more than a convenience. They’re keeping you around “just in case.” Accept it and play the game as well, or move on. Lot’s of (Japanese) people out there who can and will properly reciprocate your affection. Good luck.

  3. Seems he just likes you as a friend. I know it hurts but it would be better to find someone who reciprocates your feelings!

  4. Before you take others advice and move on after 18 months. I’d suggest you ask him unambiguously, yes or no. Get that answer so you can move on without looking back with doubt.

  5. I don’t like guessing, so I would just go straight to ask and clarify if I am in doubt, maybe you also need to do this

  7. Fair enough, thanks everyone. He is shy and younger than me. He also switches his focus to subjects and activities that are of interest to me. He is not one to talk much, but always wants to listen. I want him to be able to open up and to be honest with how he feels, but I also know he is still in the process of gaining his own idenity. I worry I did or said something to cause him to be more closed off. I like him because he is kind, enthusiastic, and open minded. It also doesn’t hurt that I find him physically attractive and enjoy his voice. Sorry if this is tmi or not correlated to the post, but while I like acrobatics and calculus, I don’t like emotional gymnastics. But, while I try to be straight forward, I have always focused on my career, interests, and goals and have never been in a real relationship before myself. I always thought the concept to be tiring and too much effort. Also it has the possibility to deregulate your mental health and focus. So I guess I just wanted someone else’s perspective on how I am perceiving things.

  8. 1.5 years and you have NO idea if he’s interested? Then he’s probably not interested. All of my friends know not to think of me as a “bro” type because I want to smash and if I had the opportunity to take it then I would. I want no misunderstandings. I even jokingly flirt occasionally so they don’t forget.

    Now, let’s imagine he is super shy and has feelings but doesn’t want to say anything. Do you want a guy that doesn’t make a move after 1.5 years? Let’s imagine you do, then why not invite him to your place to teach? That would definitely let him know you’re interested without having to ask. Wear something you don’t usually wear. If it’s strictly English then you’re friends. If he declines and prefers public then you’re friends.

  9. If a Japanese person is into you they’ll let you know it. My guess is that he wants to keep things as they are.

  10. Have you tried shooting your shot? make a move at all? You sound like a female simp

  11. This is not caused by his Japanese mindset. He’s just not interested in you as much as you’re into him.

  14. Does this guy have alternative English people he hangs out with? He might actually like you but has no idea how you would respond to a kokuhaku and would prefer to keep his English friend around rather than scare her off.

    If he does have other English peeps then I think he’s not really into you. Also have you spoken about sexuality? He might not even be into women 🤷‍♂️

    Edit: Anecdotally I have a coworker I like and I’m pretty confident likes me back. But I’m not looking to make things awkward at my workplaces regardless of how she would reciprocate. Whatever the response may be the relationship would henceforth change and I’d rather it stay the same than for it to potentially complicate my work-life. Possibly similar situation for your buddy.

  15. Don’t embarrass yourself by being direct with him about your feelings. Reading the air, based on your description of the situation, it is absolutely certain that he is not in to you whatsoever. If you plan on maintaining the friendship, avoid being so desperate. It won’t bode well for the friendship going forward.

  16. Just ask them directly! “Hey I’ve been having romantic feelings about you, how do you feel about that? Should I continue or move on?” Just because it is japan and they are Japanese, doesn’t mean you can’t be direct and polite👌

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