I am a married man with 3 kids, (0,1,2) and am in my early thirties. I am white and from the US, and speak Japanese at a level somewhere between N2 and N1. My wife and I only speak Japanese at home.
I recently joined a new company a month ago, and am on a team with 3 women (Japanese, Nikkei, and a foreigner that is fluent in Japanese) and myself. The team itself hasn’t been fully formed yet, and we don’t have control over any projects, so there isn’t a lot to be done.
During the onboarding process, I got to know one of the women that was going to be on the same team with me. She talked about her hobbies, interests, and how she was having difficulty with her boyfriend. I gave her some advice over the weekend and asked the the following Monday. She told me it went fine and that they made up. I didn’t have any personal communication with her outside of that capacity. She reported me for harassment.
Another person on the team sits at the desk directly in front of mine, facing me. There is a small partition between the desks to put post it notes and hang up a calendar, whatever. She asked me to stop looking at her when I was looking at my laptop screen. She reported me for harassment.
I tapped someone on their shoulder to get their attention when we were in a situation that would warrant it ( they had earbuds in and I needed to ask them a question). I was reported for harassment.
Today I was called into the office and put on administrative leave, while the company decides how to respond to the allegations and what team they will move me to.
Honestly, I’m shocked and hurt by what to me feels like being voted off the island for being a man. I understand now that what I did may or may not cross the line and be viewed under the umbrella of sexual harassment in Japan, but this is pretty insane to me. I can’t help but feel like they had it out for me from day one.
I would really love to hear some opinions from everyone because I am just at a loss right now.
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EDIT: In regards to the advice I gave the girl I onboarded with. basically, she said her boyfriend and her had a big fight and were going to break up and hadn’t talked for about a week. I recommended that she think about what she wants out of the relationship, if she feels like that is being fulfilled, and what/if anything she would like to be different, and recommended that she ask her boyfriend the same, just so they could be on the same page. They made up over the weekend and she commented that the advice was useful to them, allowing them to get their heads straight.
I was also reported for winking, which I do regardless of gender in a joking manner.
I also want to make it clear that one of my professional goals that was signed off by my direct supervisor (who is one of these women). One of my personal goals at this workplace was to help unite the team and get to know everyone better. I said I was going to check up on everyone on a weekly basis, and set up optional group outings after work once every couple months. The list of goals was approved by my direct manager (the woman that I assume didn’t report me for harassment.)
My wife thinks that I need to be more careful, ensuring that all text communications only pertain to the office.
She said to also avoid any physical contact at the workplace.
She is mostly just pissed that the women wouldn’t voice their concerns to our boss and instead went straight to HR
38 comments
I understand what you said, but it feels like you didn’t give us some relevant information. What exactly did you do that you now think might have crossed the line?
TBH, being accused of sexual harassment by three different women doesn’t look good.
I can’t judge the first two not having seen the conversation or witness the staring, but I would never tap our touch anyone to get their attention and definitely not a member of the opposite gender. Maybe try to get in their field of vision and wave?
Mindful that this is from your perspective. Can you think of any further details why three different people would accuse you of harassment that you haven’t shared?
…I mean, even if the allegations are cleared, I would find a new job asap. Would not want to work with such sensitive people.
I also don’t think it’s cultural.
Are those 3 things the “allegations” or are they not even telling you?
Wow jesus…
Maybe you just have a “resting creep face”
Even only hearing things from your own biased perspective I still think you clearly crossed the line. These aren’t long term colleagues. You literally just met them. I mean, you talked with one of them about her boyfriend over the weekend? And even followed it up? What the fuck dude. Touching someone is also a big no-no. If she had earbuds on you just position yourself in her peripheral view. Not sure about the staring one but I doubt you’re giving the full story.
I’d start looking for a new job OP. You gonna be blackballed once you are able to return. Women in office places love to gossip so assume everyone knows.
Japanese people (very generally stating here) don’t touch each other at work, so I can imagine touching her shoulder made her uncomfortable
There’s basically two possibilities here, assuming you are being truthful:
1) Your behavior is far creepier than you realize it is.
2) Your entire team decided, within a month, to band together and collectively work to get you transferred or fired.
Without passing judgement or making my own assumptions about you, I would advise reflecting heavily upon both of these possibilities, finding a new job as soon as possible, and then putting the insight you gained from your self reflection into practice for self preservation purposes at the new job.
One possibility is that the three people have premeditatedly agreed to make these accusations in order to remove the OP from the team.
Another possibility is that after the first accusation, word has spread and there is now a predisposition to consider any action by the OP worthy of reporting harassment.
Unfortunately with sexual harassment the presumption of innocence does not apply as it should.
Paradoxically, this is detrimental to women as any man with a certain amount of power, knowing the risk he runs, is careful not to meet women alone for work purposes.
I feel that you aren’t telling us everything. In another response you said you wink at people regardless of gender. To me it seems like your comfort level is different from your surrounding and while unbeknownst to you, you might be giving off negative vibes.
Either that or they are all on the same team and just wants to get rid of you.
My advice would be start looking for another job regardless of the outcome
Three accusations from three different women in under a months is……a lot….
You might have some tendencies that you’re not aware of that are making women at work uncomfortable (outside of the ones you’ve already listed. Which are definitely a big no no).
Look for a new job. Be honest with yourself and evaluate your behavior before starting it.
Best of luck
DONT TOUCH PEOPLE IN JAPAN, E V E R. It is ok where you are from, BUT NOT HERE. Same thing happen in my school, a teacher tap a womans shoulder and got accused of sexual harrasment.
Dont talk about personal stuff. If people decide to share with you, do not comment, just nod and go japanese with “sugoi desu ne” or “sounandesuka” thats it.
> I tapped someone on their shoulder to get their attention when we were in a situation that would warrant it ( they had earbuds in and I needed to ask them a question). I was reported for harassment.
Regardless of gender, you should know better than to ever do this. Nobody likes to be unexpectedly touched.
But seriously – given that you’re a relatively new hire, consider yourself lucky that you’re being reassigned and not terminated. Allegations of sexual harassment from three different women in less than a month of hiring is going to meet the bar for a legitimate termination.
>I am a married man with 3 kids, (0,1,2) and am in my early thirties. I am white and from the US, and speak Japanese at a level somewhere between N2 and N1. My wife and I only speak Japanese at home.
Confused as to why you started off with this information and why you think it is in any way relevant to the situation at hand?
Something you are doing is making women uncomfortable, sexually. You should reflect on this. It is not an isolated incident apparently. And it’s not your raw gaijin sexual magnetism, it’s more likely you’re creeping on them.
Remember, sexual harassment is in the eyes of the person on the receiving end of it, not the eyes or intentions of the person doing it. And apparently it’s not an isolated incident, this is more than one woman you’re making uncomfortable. Think long and hard about that.
As many are already mentioning, we can’t exactly side with you completely just with your version of the story. But even if they were being ass about it, you should have been much more careful after the first strike.
The staring thing, I can relate. My vision often crosses with my coworker when I’m looking at the edge of the monitor, and after few weeks of that, I felt uncomfortable and repositioned the monitor and my chair so it would stop happening. I’m the male btw, and coworker female.
No touching. Period. Get in the peripheral vision and wave, or maybe knock on the desk. You just don’t touch people at all in Japan.
After all that, honestly, I’d suggest you try to find another job if it’s an option and start over, because you just know people will be talking about you behind your back.
What I’m getting from OP is that he’s completely unaware of Asian culture despite being able to speak the language.
No judgement, but it sounds like they’ve decided they don’t like you. Maybe the first one started the rumors and the others started seeing you through the sukebe lens, or it’s a team effort to get you booted, but if you’re being honest none of the above things mentioned would bother women if they had a decent rapport with you. The closest one would be tapping on the shoulder and you could have handled this one better, but most wouldn’t be creeped out enough to run to HR over an innocuous tap.
I’d be curious about what happened to the guy you are replacing 🤣🤣🤣
You have crossed many lines there.
* Don’t touch people at work unless they are in immediate danger. It’s a very basic rule.
* Don’t ever ask any personal question. You may think something is work related such as “do you have kids?” when wondering if they could work on the weekend, but it’s invasive. Stick to the obvious “can you work this weekend?”.
* Don’t give advice about their personal lives, even if asked. If they are going through something difficult, only offer an empathic agreement and leave it at that.
I am the only man in a team with 4 women (3 Japanese, one foreigner). I have worked with them for as long as 5 years. We talk daily about work stuff, work-related gossip, and do one-to-one projects often for hours at long. Despite that, I have no clue if any of them is single, have kids, or even their ages. That’s simply not my business. I have never touched any of them in any form. If they are using earphones and I need to get their attention (happens often), I wave or say their name louder. And they treat me the same, which is very nice and make for a stress-free work environment. I wouldn’t think it’s sexual harassment if a work colleague tapped on my shoulder, but it’s rude nevertheless – I would be very annoyed the first time and complain directly to them on the second.
is this your first company in Japan?
In japan, harrasment is being handled seriously.
I mean, you need to becareful not to talk too personal thing with your coworker.
“Wow that guy is taking paternity leave, I envy him” . boom harrasment.
“Why are you still single, you are so good looking”. boom another harrasment.
Talking personal stuff with coworker outside working hour can also be landmine of harrasment.
On personal notes, tapping on shoulder is a big no even for me as a man. If you need to get my attention, send me messenger or wave your hand to me. Last resort, tap my seat and I should notice the vibration. I mean being too close to my desk without invitation is a invasion to my personal space already.
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But in your situation, it could be that they are trying to get rid of you.
Whatever happened. You don’t have any choice but to leave and find a new job now.
It doesn’t matter if what you did happened or not, now the accusations have been made, to fight against them now would only colour you as a complainer.
Raising your voice against them would colour you as loud and foreign. People would make up their own opinions after that and you do not want that attention.
If you roll with it and accept a transfer they will be informed of what happened and you will not start off with even a neutral level of trust.
Nothing good can come of this situation. Move out of the situation.
Sounds like a snake pit.
There are two sides in this story.
First, you should never ever touch women in the workplace. In Japan at least. Not even to stop or pat on the back. Just no touch.
Second, you should never ever get into private conversations with women at the workplace unless you’re dead sure they’re fine with that. And even then be careful. When you are new you cannot do that at all. Workplace is not a friendship club. Feel free to make friendships with past colleagues after you leave the world place, it’s the safe zone then.
Third, those look allegations are probably an overreaction, but it is also a sign of a toxic workplace.
Now, the other side.
Sexual harassment allegations are just that, allegations. Unless they can prove that you approached them in a suggestive way, assaulted or something along the lines, you can’t get in more trouble than just being told to leave the workplace.
In the end it seems that indeed you should leave. Most likely there’s some rivalry going on between the women and they’re doing the group thing to push you out. Maybe it’s a culture clash. Probably you aren’t the first and the last with this fate.
Don’t agree to ANY allegations, stand your ground. Leave the workplace on your own accord, remember the three rules above and good luck at another workplace.
Woman here. Here’s my take based on etiquette and personal experience. This won’t help you now but for future reference, a colleague talking boyfriend troubles during onboarding (or before we develop a more friendly work relationship) is a huge red flag. That’s very inappropriate and I’d stay away from anyone who did that because it screams drama. I’d have changed the subject and kept our conversation strictly professional.
> I gave her some advice over the weekend
Sorry, but that was also very inappropriate. To be frank, her personal relationships aren’t your business and that was opening the door even wider for more drama and possible trouble. Given the culture and speaking from experience, if you were talking to the Japanese woman or another japanicized colleague, I’d imagine she took things out of context and came to who knows what conclusions in her head, but one thing is very likely for all women: we tend to talk, and it’s very possible that she shared whatever conclusions she came to with the other women, prompting them to be wary of you.
As for tapping someone on the shoulder, that varies from culture to culture and person to person. I don’t think a colleague has ever done that to me, and I think I’d feel a little taken aback if that happened. In such a situation, with both a male or female colleague, I slowly bring my hand into the person’s view to get their attention, keeping as far away from them as possible.
One thing I believe men should keep in mind, too, is that many women have been victims of assault so we can be very sensitive to things that seem completely innocent. A simple tap on the shoulder, for instance, could trigger someone’s PTSD because such a gesture unexpectedly invades their space. (I’m NOT saying that this doesn’t happen to men, just sharing a woman’s view here). For all we know, the woman you tapped on the shoulder could have told the other women that you “touched” her without her consent, which is technically true but certainly not as inappropriate as a sexual advance, for example, but by the time something like this gets talked about it can easily be blown out of proportion and next thing you know you’re a “chikan” on the verge of raping half the office, you see what I mean?
Depending on the protocol at your job, I’d apologize to the women if possible, even if you think they’re overreacting, and I’d explain to your supervisor that it was a cultural misunderstanding. 100% read up on professional conduct, though.
If you feel you have done nothing wrong, don’t apologize because that’s admittance and it will be used against you.
Think carefully about the circumstances that lead to this situation.
1. Was this woman making these comments about her bf to you directly or just in general at work and you decided to give your advice?
2. Sounds like she really dislikes you.
3. Did she have headphones in because she didn’t want to speak to you?
Are you a member of a union or is there a union that you can join and speak to regarding these harassment allegations?
In the past I have been accused of harassment for *not responding when a woman made complimentary comments about my chest and biceps* because apparently my discomfort and silence made her comments seem sexual when they were actually just friendly. She also said that she thought it was fine to talk about it, because she overheard me and a male colleague having “guys talk” earlier in the day.
I thought I was taking crazy pills when everyone at the office was trying to get me to “see her side.” So I put all the evidence I had, I included every bit of information I could and I sent it to my union. They wrote a letter to my manager for me explaining why what I did wasn’t sexual harassment and actually what she had done was.
But without that, I fear I would have ended up apologizing for being on the receiving end of sexually charged comments.
There is a lot of judgement going on here, so I am not going to add to it. What I can say is I ran a team of 50 people and it was maybe 85% women. You do have to be careful about what you do and how you respond even if the woman is asking for advice.
I am a little surprised tbh to have to say this in 2023 (I am old) because we were getting this training back in the 90s.
Anyway, there are a couple of anecdotes I can tell you that aren’t about sexual harassment but rather about bullying someone out of a team.
I have a friend who worked in a team of 5 (including himself). He is Asian and business fluent. Unfortunately, his foreign boss was transferred out of the country in b/t the time he was hired and started. He arrives to meet his teammates and…well…they take a disliking to him. So they basically bullied the guy by telling stories about his productivity or not explaining things to him and being generally unhelpful. By week 4 or 5 HR was telling him he wasn’t going to pass probation.
So I told him to focus on his KPOs which were measurable data, he did and nailed them with the data to back it up all while HR was regularly telling him it was time to leave. They knew they couldn’t prove he didn’t pass probation but this team was determined to have him out so they ended up paying him quite a bit to leave.
Thing is…he sort of had to leave. There was just no way they were going to give him a chance.
Btw…I also knew a Japanese woman hired by HK and the sales team decided they didn’t like her because she wouldn’t basically be their slave, so they engineered her off the island during probation.
So Idk, I would suggest you refute anything that is a lie, try to assess if resolving this is even a possibility, and in the meantime absolutely focus on any measurable deliverables during your probation and see what you can do. But the damage may be done.
You gotta tell us the whole story bro.
To people in the comments acting like you’re going to get sent to prison for daring to make friends or talk about something *gasp* part of personal life at work, please stop.
Yes, if you want to be completely business like and 100% safe you can avoid any personal topic, but it’s fairly normal in Japan and elsewhere for people to make friends and talk about personal lives at work. It’s not some kind of hard rule that’s going to get you fired
I’m not saying this is you, but I know a guy that everyone thinks is a creep. When he was called out for sexual harassment, he said it’s just his way of communicating (body touching). Maybe he didn’t realize he was being creepy and tbh maybe it really is just his way of communicating. Nonetheless, he needs to change it.
As for the boyfriend advice. That’s never going to go well. Stay out of anything relationship related. Even if someone brings it up, I just say I hope you work it out and I never bring it up again.
Good luck. And I hope you either prove your innocence or realize you’ve made mistakes and maybe this as a reality check.
Edit: grammar
I worked for several years with all Japanese staff under me, including several women. To this day, I have no idea whether any of my staff were married, were gay/lesbian, had children, etc. etc. My Japanese was totally fluent (simultaneous interpreter at international meetings level).
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I consciously stayed out of their private lives so there could never be any hint of anything inappropriate. I feel you may have unconsciously crossed some borders, partly due to your lack of fluency in Japanese.
Sounds like you were obviously targeted my dude. Im sorry they did that to you. Don’t let the neckbeards or scorned women in this sub get to you. It’s clear what happened.
FWIW I have worked with people who were falsely accused of sexual harassment/assault against a Japanese student by a western co-worker. She just didn’t like him, and tried to get him fired.
It was shocking, had the potential to completely wreck the guys’ career, and it changed my view from where I automatically believed women when they made these type of accusation, to the current situation where I know for sure that women are capable of making this stuff up for their own ends.
So there’s that. If you’re reading this B, you know who I am. You’re a disgrace to women.
I would say that you are probably just clueless about the atmosphere and the mood of people around you, so I would suggest you really sincerely work on that.
You were a new employee and you really needed to be walking on egg shells to develop report with your new coworkers. But instead it sounds like you charged right in being what you probably thought was friendly and personable but that they perceived as creepy and intimidating.
Your failure is that you were unable to read and understand their reactions to you. *It should have been obvious*.
Unless you work on that skill *very hard*, you are going to get in similar trouble at your next job as well.
My advice is don’t immediately try to be friendly with your coworkers, because you probably aren’t good at it. Be *professional* instead. Only speak about work. Don’t converse unless necessary. Be polite but keep professional distance. Do this until you can learn to read the effect you have on other people.
Everyone on here condemning touching on the shoulder needs to get a grip. Like where has common sense gone? I’m sorry but there is absolutely nothing wrong with touching anyone on the shoulder unless their shoulder is injured or something. Like are your genitals located on your shoulder all of a sudden? If said person feels uncomfortable then they can say something about it but there’s no need to report it and unless he licked her shoulder there’s nothing sexual about it. I would like to think that most people would have no problems at all with a simple touch on the shoulder. If this is really how life is now then let’s all just give up on in person human interaction in any and all settings.
I’ve read the OP and through the comments.
Here’s what I would do. Make sure to deny the allegations as harrassment. Play the touching one off as a cultural misunderstanding. The other two are ridiculous. Giving someone advice and looking at someone are not harrassment. Make sure you keep any evidence of these allegations, get them in writing – they possibly show malice towards you.
The touching one could stick, but the other two show that they’ve gone after you for some reason. So I don’t think you could get fired. Fight the allegations at least until they offer you a pay off.
You say they are planning to transfer you so perhaps they know it’s mostly bullshit. But they don’t have any recourse back to the women. Maybe roll with the transfer but be aware it might be to something you don’t like/an attempt to push you out(?).
I think it might be the winking.